He hadn't come there that day with any plans but to see Evans again. Wanting to see how he's been, to apologize for pulling away during his time in trying to get his life back together after the ghost ship. There's many he hasn't seen or spoken to much since his transformation and while he knows he has many to see, above all of those comes Max.
Just hugging him there at the door had meant so much, been something he's missed more than he had realized until that moment. Not until he'd held him once more.
Even just holding his hand makes him smile, glad to be there.
Letting Max start the fire, he moves over to the bed and sprawls out on it, enjoying the comfort of the mattress, the way it molds to his body. He's so acutely aware of things like the texture of the covers and the tension of the bed and how it holds his body as he shifts into Max and presses close to him.
Staying quiet, listening to Max talk about what he's feeling and what all he's been coping with while Kyle has been learning to control himself and his hungers during this time of transition.
He smiles at that first reassurance. "You told me I love you," he teases, but he's still smiling. "But I get I'm not the love of your life but you love me. I've known Liz isn't. Sorry but I haven't."
He stops then, cupping Max's cheeks gently. "Okay, one? Never blame yourself for what this place makes you do. It's not a reflection on you, Max. All you can do is the best for you and your partners, because this place doesn't care. Don't think yourself a slut for this place. Hell, don't think yourself a slut for anything. This society is not ours, and fuck ours. Ours led me to hurting Alex, and us to both believe our first love had to be our last," he points out. It's something he'd thought about over the years before Duplicity.
He pauses though because that's a hard question but he doesn't want to lie to Max.
"I gave up being jealous months ago because deep down I've known that Elijah has been sleeping with others when I haven't. I don't know who. I don't ask details but beyond the month he forgot me and our relationship, I've seen comments made to him on the finder thing and that Grindr Instagram thing it set up. This world isn't ours, and love isn't what we've been told it is. I realized a couple of months ago that I had to accept that love is what it is between us and not think about what it is outside of our love and our relationship. Otherwise, in this place, I would go nuts."
Which he fears that Max might be doing.
Kyle shifts to rub his hand against Max's back. "If I could find you a way home, I would, Max. For you and Alex and Michael. For Liz and Margo and Seth. I really wish I could."
It's no small secret that Max is really used to loving only one person, and so Duplicity and all of the sex it proposes and the contracts and his new bisexuality has really sort of ripped through his reality, and coming to terms with some sort of polyverse that he can be comfortable with is nigh to impossible, even if it's exactly what Max needs to do. He blows out frustration and lays there, enjoying the comfort of Kyle, and listening to his wisdom until he mentions finding a way home.
A little while ago that was really all he wanted. He wanted to go home to Isobel, and back to the way his life was with Liz and everyone else. Now, his whole life has changed, and if he goes home there wouldn't be this Kyle. He knows it. It would all be different. Max starts shaking his head.
"No. No. I don't want to go home. You won't be there. I know you can't leave Elijah. You wouldn't before, but you can't now that you are both... both vampires, right?" He has no idea why he thinks this, he just has a feeling that kyle has to stay with his creator because of all the lore he's heard about vampire subjects. "I want to be with you Kyle. I don't want to go back to a world where we don't have this. I can't lose part of my heart. Then I'd also lose Caleb. I don't know how good or bad things are. I hope they are okay now that we've talked, even if I'm going a little crazy. Maybe if I just do my thing and sleep with less people I'll feel better. Maybe I'm upset with myself more than anything else."
It takes Max a little bit to realize that, that is the true reason he's upset. He doesn't like who he is right now, and he knows that he needs to tie himself down and up, to limit himself to a very small amount if he can. Because being with everyone and trying to love was tearing him apart. He turns into Kyle and kisses him along the neck softly.
It hadn't hit Kyle that Max didn't want to go home. He wouldn't have thought he'd hear him say that and he's not sure what to think about that. It's a hopeful thought, one that makes his voice catch in his throat for a minute.
So instead he leans into Max and nuzzles at his shoulder and thinks about that, about what he's asking about. About the truth that he hasn't talked to about with anyone.
"I... We don't know how all of it works. If Elijah goes home, he's dead. He's lived through that and then woke up back here. If he goes home and dies... I die. We think. I would if I was in his world. All of the vampires an Original vampire makes die with them."
And he knows that isn't something Max wants to hear. No one wants to hear it, he's sure. Not anyone he's close to.
"But we don't know what would happen if we could go to Roswell. Since he's not from there, there's a chance we could go home and just be the only vampires in our world. At least that we know about," he says, moving to hold Max close. "But we're here, and that's what matters."
He doesn't mention that he wouldn't lose his heart because he wouldn't remember this, or Caleb, if he went back to Roswell. It's not something that he wants to think about. He hates those thoughts and what it means. What all would be lost.
"Hey, I'm here for you, Max. We're here for one another." He hugs him tightly, wishing he could make this better, could find a way to fix this. "Max, what do you want? Not with me but in general. In this place. Don't think in terms of being a slut. Think in terms of what you need, and then figure it out from there but the one thing I've learned is you can only work that our for yourself, not for anyone else."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Just hugging him there at the door had meant so much, been something he's missed more than he had realized until that moment. Not until he'd held him once more.
Even just holding his hand makes him smile, glad to be there.
Letting Max start the fire, he moves over to the bed and sprawls out on it, enjoying the comfort of the mattress, the way it molds to his body. He's so acutely aware of things like the texture of the covers and the tension of the bed and how it holds his body as he shifts into Max and presses close to him.
Staying quiet, listening to Max talk about what he's feeling and what all he's been coping with while Kyle has been learning to control himself and his hungers during this time of transition.
He smiles at that first reassurance. "You told me I love you," he teases, but he's still smiling. "But I get I'm not the love of your life but you love me. I've known Liz isn't. Sorry but I haven't."
He stops then, cupping Max's cheeks gently. "Okay, one? Never blame yourself for what this place makes you do. It's not a reflection on you, Max. All you can do is the best for you and your partners, because this place doesn't care. Don't think yourself a slut for this place. Hell, don't think yourself a slut for anything. This society is not ours, and fuck ours. Ours led me to hurting Alex, and us to both believe our first love had to be our last," he points out. It's something he'd thought about over the years before Duplicity.
He pauses though because that's a hard question but he doesn't want to lie to Max.
"I gave up being jealous months ago because deep down I've known that Elijah has been sleeping with others when I haven't. I don't know who. I don't ask details but beyond the month he forgot me and our relationship, I've seen comments made to him on the finder thing and that Grindr Instagram thing it set up. This world isn't ours, and love isn't what we've been told it is. I realized a couple of months ago that I had to accept that love is what it is between us and not think about what it is outside of our love and our relationship. Otherwise, in this place, I would go nuts."
Which he fears that Max might be doing.
Kyle shifts to rub his hand against Max's back. "If I could find you a way home, I would, Max. For you and Alex and Michael. For Liz and Margo and Seth. I really wish I could."
no subject
A little while ago that was really all he wanted. He wanted to go home to Isobel, and back to the way his life was with Liz and everyone else. Now, his whole life has changed, and if he goes home there wouldn't be this Kyle. He knows it. It would all be different. Max starts shaking his head.
"No. No. I don't want to go home. You won't be there. I know you can't leave Elijah. You wouldn't before, but you can't now that you are both... both vampires, right?" He has no idea why he thinks this, he just has a feeling that kyle has to stay with his creator because of all the lore he's heard about vampire subjects. "I want to be with you Kyle. I don't want to go back to a world where we don't have this. I can't lose part of my heart. Then I'd also lose Caleb. I don't know how good or bad things are. I hope they are okay now that we've talked, even if I'm going a little crazy. Maybe if I just do my thing and sleep with less people I'll feel better. Maybe I'm upset with myself more than anything else."
It takes Max a little bit to realize that, that is the true reason he's upset. He doesn't like who he is right now, and he knows that he needs to tie himself down and up, to limit himself to a very small amount if he can. Because being with everyone and trying to love was tearing him apart. He turns into Kyle and kisses him along the neck softly.
"I'm sorry I dumped all this on you."
no subject
So instead he leans into Max and nuzzles at his shoulder and thinks about that, about what he's asking about. About the truth that he hasn't talked to about with anyone.
"I... We don't know how all of it works. If Elijah goes home, he's dead. He's lived through that and then woke up back here. If he goes home and dies... I die. We think. I would if I was in his world. All of the vampires an Original vampire makes die with them."
And he knows that isn't something Max wants to hear. No one wants to hear it, he's sure. Not anyone he's close to.
"But we don't know what would happen if we could go to Roswell. Since he's not from there, there's a chance we could go home and just be the only vampires in our world. At least that we know about," he says, moving to hold Max close. "But we're here, and that's what matters."
He doesn't mention that he wouldn't lose his heart because he wouldn't remember this, or Caleb, if he went back to Roswell. It's not something that he wants to think about. He hates those thoughts and what it means. What all would be lost.
"Hey, I'm here for you, Max. We're here for one another." He hugs him tightly, wishing he could make this better, could find a way to fix this. "Max, what do you want? Not with me but in general. In this place. Don't think in terms of being a slut. Think in terms of what you need, and then figure it out from there but the one thing I've learned is you can only work that our for yourself, not for anyone else."