I'd like that. You're one of those I trust and feel secure with so I wouldn't worry about holding back, or thinking you are holding back.
And I know logically but... My kind of vampire never forgets anything. It's always there. Except for me? It's his thousand years plus my own memories. He opened himself up to them and they became as much a part of me as vampirism is. I'm working on getting rid of them because I do worry they influence me and I want to be me. Not whoever, whatever it was he wanted me to be or what he wanted in doing that.
Literally what happened. I blame myself though I know most say I shouldn't. I should have seen it. I consider myself a smart man but I let him blindside me.
I want to be free of him. I never want to forget but I want to know all my choices and desires are based on me... and I want to explore the desires I have. Pain. Pleasure. Blood. All of it.
What a selfish fucking prat. He just wanted to ensure some part of him stayed with you that you could never forget. If you have a way to get rid of those, then do. There's no good to be had in having someone else's thoughts and experiences in you like that. I bet he sold it to you as some romantic move or something. 'Knowing all of him' or some shite.
[He's....mad legitimately pissed off and he knows it's not just on Kyle's behalf, though that's most of it, it's the manipulations and the strings Chris can see. The kind of shit he knows he always takes personally because of Bane, though their relationship had been platonic.]
Good manipulators never let you see it coming, the smartest people in the world can eat their shit up and never know it. You're better for knowing it now. You didn't let him do anything but open his mouth and I'd not expect you to be such an ass to stop that for no reason.
[Fuck he needs to...step outside or something. Climb onto the roof. The static presses in to choke him and he grabs his phone to do just that.]
[It both feels good that Chris can see it and talk about it like this, and also suck so much because others can see it and Kyle never did. Not until it was too late and then he was clawing his way up and out. ]
You're right. It's how he did it. He loved me in that instant, he had waited a thousand years for me, and he needed me to know who he was so I could love him too.
I had Ragnor break the emotional bond I have with them, and it's helped a lot. I've recently had an offer to help remove them and I hesitated, because of the idea of someone messing with my head but I think I'm going to take them up on it.
Thank you though. No one has put it so bluntly or seen it as clearly and it really helps. I need to hear that from someone. Especially from you.
Someday you're going to have to let me be there as much for you as you are for me, Chris.
I completely understand your hesitation with going through with having someone's hand in your head. I've been there and it's not something I easily abide by, but if you have any trust for this person, I'd take their offer. If you're not sure, take someone you trust to go with you and keep eye on the process.
I'll always be happy to call bullshit, especially for those I care for. Maybe I'm too sensitive to that sort of behavior, but I keep an eye out for it often.
[The last part he pauses on, fingers hovering over the letters.]
Someday. I'm just not good at letting people do that, even if I trust them to. You should get some sleep, handsome.
Yeah, nope. Don't wanna. Not even if he shows up here again.
[ It's a bad joke but he can't help himself. ]
How sad is it that I'm less worried about letting someone else in my head than I am keeping my sire there? It's such horrific things, and it just reminds me of what I could be. I want to remember who I am, and that's why I'll never let that happened before happen again. Not because I'm afraid of what I'm capable of.
Just don't ever forget I'm here for you, because I want to be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And I know logically but... My kind of vampire never forgets anything. It's always there. Except for me? It's his thousand years plus my own memories. He opened himself up to them and they became as much a part of me as vampirism is. I'm working on getting rid of them because I do worry they influence me and I want to be me. Not whoever, whatever it was he wanted me to be or what he wanted in doing that.
Literally what happened. I blame myself though I know most say I shouldn't. I should have seen it. I consider myself a smart man but I let him blindside me.
I want to be free of him. I never want to forget but I want to know all my choices and desires are based on me... and I want to explore the desires I have. Pain. Pleasure. Blood. All of it.
no subject
What a selfish fucking prat. He just wanted to ensure some part of him stayed with you that you could never forget. If you have a way to get rid of those, then do. There's no good to be had in having someone else's thoughts and experiences in you like that.
I bet he sold it to you as some romantic move or something. 'Knowing all of him' or some shite.
[He's....mad legitimately pissed off and he knows it's not just on Kyle's behalf, though that's most of it, it's the manipulations and the strings Chris can see. The kind of shit he knows he always takes personally because of Bane, though their relationship had been platonic.]
Good manipulators never let you see it coming, the smartest people in the world can eat their shit up and never know it. You're better for knowing it now. You didn't let him do anything but open his mouth and I'd not expect you to be such an ass to stop that for no reason.
[Fuck he needs to...step outside or something. Climb onto the roof. The static presses in to choke him and he grabs his phone to do just that.]
no subject
You're right. It's how he did it. He loved me in that instant, he had waited a thousand years for me, and he needed me to know who he was so I could love him too.
I had Ragnor break the emotional bond I have with them, and it's helped a lot. I've recently had an offer to help remove them and I hesitated, because of the idea of someone messing with my head but I think I'm going to take them up on it.
Thank you though. No one has put it so bluntly or seen it as clearly and it really helps. I need to hear that from someone. Especially from you.
Someday you're going to have to let me be there as much for you as you are for me, Chris.
no subject
I completely understand your hesitation with going through with having someone's hand in your head. I've been there and it's not something I easily abide by, but if you have any trust for this person, I'd take their offer. If you're not sure, take someone you trust to go with you and keep eye on the process.
I'll always be happy to call bullshit, especially for those I care for. Maybe I'm too sensitive to that sort of behavior, but I keep an eye out for it often.
[The last part he pauses on, fingers hovering over the letters.]
Someday. I'm just not good at letting people do that, even if I trust them to.
You should get some sleep, handsome.
no subject
[ It's a bad joke but he can't help himself. ]
How sad is it that I'm less worried about letting someone else in my head than I am keeping my sire there? It's such horrific things, and it just reminds me of what I could be. I want to remember who I am, and that's why I'll never let that happened before happen again. Not because I'm afraid of what I'm capable of.
Just don't ever forget I'm here for you, because I want to be.
I'll try. I'll see you soon.