You seem fine with it when it's me pinning you to a wall.
[Because the joke is easy despite the way there's edges to this talk of so much more. Yet they're just being there, together. Kyle is telling himself all the time it doesn't matter what it's called or anything else. Just what it means to them.
He sees the cactus, thinks about home, tries not to let himself think too much of it. Or too much about how it makes him feel.
He falls quiet a moment though about something else, about those things he doesn't talk about. Like the really bad times, as if the snap of loss hadn't been the bad times. But it wasn't the worst. ]
I got it to prove how much I loved him. To show I hadn't given up though he had.
[ He's never talked about the break, about what happened a month after they devoted themselves to one another. He knows it is when the lies started, when all the vows had been broken and never renewed. ]
He was cursed, and somehow ended up back home. He lived out the rest of his life. When he came back, he wanted nothing to do with me. I was obviously a mistake after what he had lived through and what he'd done to his family in his life.
[ He watches what Nick is doing, his voice very even and very hollow, but there's new thoughts as he talks about this. About how much of an idiot he had been. ]
He kept coming back, took what he wanted and left. But I was in bad shape. Wasn't eating, wasn't working out, drinking a lot. I got the tattoo at a festival, swearing I would do better, prove I hadn't given up. I stopped drinking, took care of myself. Eventually he got his memories back, opened himself up, and came back.
( it would be easy to just keep joking about that, and pretend there's nothing else here to talk about at all. kyle would probably let him, he's always been unreasonably good about letting nick duck away from heavy topics of discussion. too good, really.
but nick wants to know more, even if it means hurtling towards that feeling that things are serious faster and faster. he reaches out the outstretched foot until he can nudge at kyle's thigh, tucking his toes under his leg and nodding as he listens. occasionally he pauses his progress along the line, but he tries to keep working as kyle talks. )
You're not an idiot.
( he says it softly, turns to dip the needle again as he says it. )
You loved him, that's not stupid. If there's an idiot in that situation, it isn't you. Did he ever...do anything like that for you?
[ Kyle knows he's moving more and more away from caring about what happened during those six months. A time when he had been hurt over and over again, and that's not even counting in a physical way. He's realizing more and more that nothing was healthy during that time. ]
I'm still not sure if it was real. At least not when it started. Not after the things I've seen here. But I'm not sure it matters, but I just think about that.
[ He shrugs, even as he runs his hand over Nick's foot, tracing the bones delicately. ]
The festival was a lot about body art. He had a tattoo when he came home. Lyrics from a song and he said he must have gotten them for me but, now? I'm not sure. He shared his memories with me and I know how much he loved two other people, one he swore to love when he came back from being home so I'm not sure truly if it was for me or her. Or hell, the guy he was with when he got it.
I would have sworn I knew then, but there's a lot that happened, and things he didn't think I knew about and lies told and promises broken so I'm not sure anymore.
( he's doing a pretty good job of keeping his eyes on the tattoo he's very slowly etching out into his skin, chewing slightly on the inside of his cheek in the moments where it feels tender and wiping it off with the corner of a nearby towel when the ink gets too messy, but it's hard.
it's hard, because he kind of wants to make sure this guy knows just how stupid he was for ever letting things with kyle fall apart, for twisting something that could have been something good and turning it into what clearly has become a painful memory. he wants to tell kyle he'd never do something like that, he'd never hurt him like that, that he'd never lie like that.
but he can't say that. because they're not together. because this isn't serious. because that's what nick wants. )
You didn't deserve that, ( he says finally, glad for the excuse to frown as he keeps jabbing along the lines. ) I'm sorry. You're...a really good person. Taking advantage of that is fucked up. I hope you told him to go fuck himself.
[ He knows he hasn't talked about a lot of this with Nick, and he knows why too. He doesn't want to scare Nick away with how deeply Kyle feels things, and he doesn't want him seeing just how stupid Kyle had been.
He blames himself for so many mistakes. Not for being with him, for the things that others had blamed him for because he had taken Elijah's word for it. But for the moments he didn't stand up to him, hadn't pushed back. He should have and he knows it, and he's letting Nick see he didn't and that worries him.
Nick's words though make his eyes sting. He's heard it from Michael, and he's started to believe it even. Hearing it from Nick though is something he hadn't hoped for. His hand lightly closes against Nick's ankle, running his thumb along the inside of his leg. ]
Thank you. That means a lot to me. I'm... I'm really coming to realize that I didn't, that I didn't fail him. He failed me.
[ He snorts, shaking his head. ]
Nope. It got worse. Before the city ordered us apart, I ... [ How does he even talk about this to Nick? ] He did something that really hurt me. There was a lot that led up to it that really tore me down but that just kind of broke me.
[ He talks softly, staring at the slender curve of Nick's ankle as his fingers curl against it. ]
I didn't realize until later it was because I was bound to him. I couldn't fight back against him if I had wanted to, and because of that bond I would never want to.
( nick needs two hands to do this properly, one to hold the skin taut and one to wield the needle. it's a good excuse to stop him from reaching for kyle immediately, in a way that feels very transparent. it doesn't last long though, he's only halfway done when he pauses, longer this time. )
You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
( he starts, quiet, and then he leans over so that he can squeeze at kyle's wrist. he doesn't even bother trying to mask his expression into something less exposing when he looks at the other man, visibly soft, sad, sympathetic all in one. )
I don't— if it's too hard still— but it's a part of you. Even if what happened to you is fucking awful. So if you want to talk...I'm listening.
[ Maybe it's easiest to have this talk with Nick doing something else. Something he just can't get up from within ruining it. So Kyle focuses on the tattooing and just touches Nick lightly and tries to hold back the darkest parts of his emotions. ]
It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to make you deal with it all.
That tattoo I had? It was craziness. It was the pathetic act of someone obsessed. I really think Michael's right, and that all of those memories basically downloaded into my brain in a blink screwed with my head. You can't see all of that violence and pain and aggression and not have it do something to you.
[ He raises his gaze to look at Nick for a moment before looking back to the tattoo. ]
I'm thankful for Ragnor and separating my emotions from them. It makes talking about this easier.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick "doesn't do serious", in any form, no matter what it's about. and yet more and more, kyle is the exception to that. nick never would have dreamed of talking about exes with anyone else, but here he is, the one doing the asking, because he wants to know kyle.
he holds his gaze a beat longer before returning to one of the arms of the cactus, and when he frowns he can tell himself that it's because the digging pain of the needle into his ankle is getting to him, and not because the thought of kyle being hurt like that is devastating. )
That's— I'm glad he helped. No one should have to go through that, you deserve better. I hope you know that.
[ It's admitting more than he often does, trying not to tell too much. Yet he is thankful to talk about this with Nick of all people. Even if he doesn't want pity from him, and it sounds like a pity story.
Staring into his eyes for a moment, wanting to pull Nick close, to cuddle in with him. Yet in the middle of his tattoo is the worst time for that. Even as he rubs his thumb along the arch of his foot, not soft but like a massage. ]
I'm beginning to remember that I do. It was hard at first after I got my emotions back. I looked at what I did in that month and decided that everything that happened in the six months I was with him was everything I deserved.
Having my emotions separated from his though has helped. A lot. Having you and Michael here, trusting me after everything? That means a lot too. Thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Because the joke is easy despite the way there's edges to this talk of so much more. Yet they're just being there, together. Kyle is telling himself all the time it doesn't matter what it's called or anything else. Just what it means to them.
He sees the cactus, thinks about home, tries not to let himself think too much of it. Or too much about how it makes him feel.
He falls quiet a moment though about something else, about those things he doesn't talk about. Like the really bad times, as if the snap of loss hadn't been the bad times. But it wasn't the worst. ]
I got it to prove how much I loved him. To show I hadn't given up though he had.
[ He's never talked about the break, about what happened a month after they devoted themselves to one another. He knows it is when the lies started, when all the vows had been broken and never renewed. ]
He was cursed, and somehow ended up back home. He lived out the rest of his life. When he came back, he wanted nothing to do with me. I was obviously a mistake after what he had lived through and what he'd done to his family in his life.
[ He watches what Nick is doing, his voice very even and very hollow, but there's new thoughts as he talks about this. About how much of an idiot he had been. ]
He kept coming back, took what he wanted and left. But I was in bad shape. Wasn't eating, wasn't working out, drinking a lot. I got the tattoo at a festival, swearing I would do better, prove I hadn't given up. I stopped drinking, took care of myself. Eventually he got his memories back, opened himself up, and came back.
[ He pauses before adding. ]
I was an idiot.
no subject
( it would be easy to just keep joking about that, and pretend there's nothing else here to talk about at all. kyle would probably let him, he's always been unreasonably good about letting nick duck away from heavy topics of discussion. too good, really.
but nick wants to know more, even if it means hurtling towards that feeling that things are serious faster and faster. he reaches out the outstretched foot until he can nudge at kyle's thigh, tucking his toes under his leg and nodding as he listens. occasionally he pauses his progress along the line, but he tries to keep working as kyle talks. )
You're not an idiot.
( he says it softly, turns to dip the needle again as he says it. )
You loved him, that's not stupid. If there's an idiot in that situation, it isn't you. Did he ever...do anything like that for you?
no subject
I'm still not sure if it was real. At least not when it started. Not after the things I've seen here. But I'm not sure it matters, but I just think about that.
[ He shrugs, even as he runs his hand over Nick's foot, tracing the bones delicately. ]
The festival was a lot about body art. He had a tattoo when he came home. Lyrics from a song and he said he must have gotten them for me but, now? I'm not sure. He shared his memories with me and I know how much he loved two other people, one he swore to love when he came back from being home so I'm not sure truly if it was for me or her. Or hell, the guy he was with when he got it.
I would have sworn I knew then, but there's a lot that happened, and things he didn't think I knew about and lies told and promises broken so I'm not sure anymore.
no subject
it's hard, because he kind of wants to make sure this guy knows just how stupid he was for ever letting things with kyle fall apart, for twisting something that could have been something good and turning it into what clearly has become a painful memory. he wants to tell kyle he'd never do something like that, he'd never hurt him like that, that he'd never lie like that.
but he can't say that. because they're not together. because this isn't serious. because that's what nick wants. )
You didn't deserve that, ( he says finally, glad for the excuse to frown as he keeps jabbing along the lines. ) I'm sorry. You're...a really good person. Taking advantage of that is fucked up. I hope you told him to go fuck himself.
no subject
He blames himself for so many mistakes. Not for being with him, for the things that others had blamed him for because he had taken Elijah's word for it. But for the moments he didn't stand up to him, hadn't pushed back. He should have and he knows it, and he's letting Nick see he didn't and that worries him.
Nick's words though make his eyes sting. He's heard it from Michael, and he's started to believe it even. Hearing it from Nick though is something he hadn't hoped for. His hand lightly closes against Nick's ankle, running his thumb along the inside of his leg. ]
Thank you. That means a lot to me. I'm... I'm really coming to realize that I didn't, that I didn't fail him. He failed me.
[ He snorts, shaking his head. ]
Nope. It got worse. Before the city ordered us apart, I ... [ How does he even talk about this to Nick? ] He did something that really hurt me. There was a lot that led up to it that really tore me down but that just kind of broke me.
[ He talks softly, staring at the slender curve of Nick's ankle as his fingers curl against it. ]
I didn't realize until later it was because I was bound to him. I couldn't fight back against him if I had wanted to, and because of that bond I would never want to.
Vicious circle.
no subject
You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
( he starts, quiet, and then he leans over so that he can squeeze at kyle's wrist. he doesn't even bother trying to mask his expression into something less exposing when he looks at the other man, visibly soft, sad, sympathetic all in one. )
I don't— if it's too hard still— but it's a part of you. Even if what happened to you is fucking awful. So if you want to talk...I'm listening.
no subject
It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to make you deal with it all.
That tattoo I had? It was craziness. It was the pathetic act of someone obsessed. I really think Michael's right, and that all of those memories basically downloaded into my brain in a blink screwed with my head. You can't see all of that violence and pain and aggression and not have it do something to you.
[ He raises his gaze to look at Nick for a moment before looking back to the tattoo. ]
I'm thankful for Ragnor and separating my emotions from them. It makes talking about this easier.
no subject
( it's not exactly a secret that nick "doesn't do serious", in any form, no matter what it's about. and yet more and more, kyle is the exception to that. nick never would have dreamed of talking about exes with anyone else, but here he is, the one doing the asking, because he wants to know kyle.
he holds his gaze a beat longer before returning to one of the arms of the cactus, and when he frowns he can tell himself that it's because the digging pain of the needle into his ankle is getting to him, and not because the thought of kyle being hurt like that is devastating. )
That's— I'm glad he helped. No one should have to go through that, you deserve better. I hope you know that.
no subject
[ It's admitting more than he often does, trying not to tell too much. Yet he is thankful to talk about this with Nick of all people. Even if he doesn't want pity from him, and it sounds like a pity story.
Staring into his eyes for a moment, wanting to pull Nick close, to cuddle in with him. Yet in the middle of his tattoo is the worst time for that. Even as he rubs his thumb along the arch of his foot, not soft but like a massage. ]
I'm beginning to remember that I do. It was hard at first after I got my emotions back. I looked at what I did in that month and decided that everything that happened in the six months I was with him was everything I deserved.
Having my emotions separated from his though has helped. A lot. Having you and Michael here, trusting me after everything? That means a lot too. Thank you.