[ It's an odd realization to think that most in a man's life hadn't pushed to see beyond the surface. He had always been there for others. He was the one called in the middle of the night for anything and everything. He was the one that was a steady rock, the responsible one to do it all, but never the one that anyone questioned how steady he would always be.
No one has ever spoken of ensuring he doesn't just put on a face and keep going. Or even seemed to notice too deeply that he did. Only one other did on any level and that's hard for him to face now as well, but it also means the world to him. ]
I will do my best, Charles. I'm not good at it and I know why isn't great, but I can make an effort to be better about it. Because I do feel like... like you're the first person who's wanted me to be open about things. So how can I not try and give you that?
[ It feels like a melancholy admission, but at the same time it feels so important to him, because Charles isn't willing to just accept the smile and the acceptable mask. ]
[It's confusing to Charles, and surprising, to hear that other people apparently haven't tried to delve deeper with this man. He understands it on one level: he knows people can have a habit of accepting what others show them. Continuously showing strength and a desire to be the one helping, rather than being helped, can make some assume a person doesn't need help, or that they may not respond well if they try to. It's the apparent truth of some people not wanting or trying to go deeper with this man, when he feels worthy of it, that doesn't make sense to him.
It's the heart of his feelings for Kyle asking the question, but who wouldn't want to try building something more with this man?]
I don't feel you should do it for me, if that's part of your motivation. [He's not sure there, and he doesn't know if Kyle may be, either.] I understand that may sound counter-intuitive, when it's what I've been pushing you for tonight. I do want it, because I want to know you, but I don't require it to still want to know you, or to be happy in our relationship.
Does what I'm trying to say make sense? [He hopes he's being clear, but this is a complicated issue, and it's difficult for him to tell. He doesn't want to push this man to expose himself to him because it's wanted. There's a level of safety and defensiveness there that he feels sustains a habit of being for other people, rather than Kyle's own self.] You can tell me no, and in that case, I'll try again.
[ The smile Kyle offers Charles is soft and full of affection, even as he nods at that question.
Because he does understand where Charles is coming from. More than that, he appreciates it. He's been in a position of having no free will, even if he hadn't been aware. He knew what it was like to feel he had no choice, and he cherishes knowing that now he has.
And he cherishes knowing that Charles wants to know more without worrying if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to. Whatever it may be if and when the time comes. ]
You're making perfect sense. You don't want me to feel I have to share things, but you're here for me if I want to. I've known others will listen if I wanted to, I just...
[ He pauses, considering his words and how to make sense himself. ]
Knowing others will listen isn't the same as them vocalizing that they actively want to hear things from you. [ He offers a tender look then. ] If I'm the one making sense now.
[He's been heard and understood - something he was hoping for, but not expecting - and it brings a warm smile to the vampire's face on turn.]
You are. [He's thought his interest in hearing Kyle's thoughts and feelings could be read through his actions, but as often seems to be the case with everyone he knows lately, it's sounding like more effort is needed on his part.
It feels reasonable. People won't know what he's thinking and intending, unless he tells them. He gives himself that reminder again, now.]
I do want that. You know it, but you are more to me than my administrator, a person who has helped me, or a boyfriend. You're also a friend, as tame as that may sound. [It's the truth.] I do want to hear the things you think about, and what you want to tell me.
[If some of this is about feeling wanted, is there some better way for him to show that beyond the things he feels he does now? The how there doesn't feel clear now, and Kyle isn't asking for it directly, but it's something he resolves himself to considering further.]
I know you care about me and you are closer to me than nearly anyone that's here or ever been here.
[ He doesn't even feel he's exaggerating though he knows the other might think he is. Michael and Tim have been close to him, but the only ones in those years that he's felt he could be open with and share anything with of his own free will.
He couldn't name anyone back in Roswell he could say that about. Not anymore. ]
It's just been something I don't think about. I just kind of talk of others, and what's going on but not myself as maybe I should.
[ He offers a small smile though, light and teasing. ]
Though you may come to regret opening those gates.
[That earns an amused smile. Charles is grateful for the levity. Not as someone who appreciates levity (he doesn't, usually, when it often feels to him like a deflection, or distraction from deeper or important matters) but in this case, it's characteristic of the other man. It's a comfortable prod at a return to well-tread common ground between them, and that's what he takes it as.]
Are there deep, dark secrets I ought to prepare myself for? [It's meant to be a joke, but coming from him, no doubt could sound like a serious question.]
[ It could be horrible, especially in this place, but Kyle laughs despite how bad it could be. If only because of what they've talked about already in the secrets he's had, and all he's been through. ]
Think less dark secrets and more bad day needing to vent and declarations of love. I can be very schmoopy when I don't hold back.
[ As if he hasn't been already, but it's a nice way to turn a talk about death and dying. ]
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No one has ever spoken of ensuring he doesn't just put on a face and keep going. Or even seemed to notice too deeply that he did. Only one other did on any level and that's hard for him to face now as well, but it also means the world to him. ]
I will do my best, Charles. I'm not good at it and I know why isn't great, but I can make an effort to be better about it. Because I do feel like... like you're the first person who's wanted me to be open about things. So how can I not try and give you that?
[ It feels like a melancholy admission, but at the same time it feels so important to him, because Charles isn't willing to just accept the smile and the acceptable mask. ]
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It's the heart of his feelings for Kyle asking the question, but who wouldn't want to try building something more with this man?]
I don't feel you should do it for me, if that's part of your motivation. [He's not sure there, and he doesn't know if Kyle may be, either.] I understand that may sound counter-intuitive, when it's what I've been pushing you for tonight. I do want it, because I want to know you, but I don't require it to still want to know you, or to be happy in our relationship.
Does what I'm trying to say make sense? [He hopes he's being clear, but this is a complicated issue, and it's difficult for him to tell. He doesn't want to push this man to expose himself to him because it's wanted. There's a level of safety and defensiveness there that he feels sustains a habit of being for other people, rather than Kyle's own self.] You can tell me no, and in that case, I'll try again.
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Because he does understand where Charles is coming from. More than that, he appreciates it. He's been in a position of having no free will, even if he hadn't been aware. He knew what it was like to feel he had no choice, and he cherishes knowing that now he has.
And he cherishes knowing that Charles wants to know more without worrying if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to. Whatever it may be if and when the time comes. ]
You're making perfect sense. You don't want me to feel I have to share things, but you're here for me if I want to. I've known others will listen if I wanted to, I just...
[ He pauses, considering his words and how to make sense himself. ]
Knowing others will listen isn't the same as them vocalizing that they actively want to hear things from you. [ He offers a tender look then. ] If I'm the one making sense now.
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You are. [He's thought his interest in hearing Kyle's thoughts and feelings could be read through his actions, but as often seems to be the case with everyone he knows lately, it's sounding like more effort is needed on his part.
It feels reasonable. People won't know what he's thinking and intending, unless he tells them. He gives himself that reminder again, now.]
I do want that. You know it, but you are more to me than my administrator, a person who has helped me, or a boyfriend. You're also a friend, as tame as that may sound. [It's the truth.] I do want to hear the things you think about, and what you want to tell me.
[If some of this is about feeling wanted, is there some better way for him to show that beyond the things he feels he does now? The how there doesn't feel clear now, and Kyle isn't asking for it directly, but it's something he resolves himself to considering further.]
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[ He doesn't even feel he's exaggerating though he knows the other might think he is. Michael and Tim have been close to him, but the only ones in those years that he's felt he could be open with and share anything with of his own free will.
He couldn't name anyone back in Roswell he could say that about. Not anymore. ]
It's just been something I don't think about. I just kind of talk of others, and what's going on but not myself as maybe I should.
[ He offers a small smile though, light and teasing. ]
Though you may come to regret opening those gates.
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Are there deep, dark secrets I ought to prepare myself for? [It's meant to be a joke, but coming from him, no doubt could sound like a serious question.]
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Think less dark secrets and more bad day needing to vent and declarations of love. I can be very schmoopy when I don't hold back.
[ As if he hasn't been already, but it's a nice way to turn a talk about death and dying. ]
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