drmcsexy | (no subject)

(no subject)

Every time Kyle thinks he's making sense of what his life in Roswell has become, he finds the world is once more tilting on it's axis and everything is changing. Since he'd bested Jesse Manes, things had been better. Looking up even. Except he's almost more confused than he's ever been. At least where his emotions are concerned.

Much as he's never put it into words, he knows he is falling in love with Alex Manes. He knows having his friend back is the singular best thing that has happened since he came back to Roswell after medical school. And he knows there's little he wouldn't do for him. Yet he knows that this thing with Michael, it isn't all about just making Alex happy. Even if he isn't sure he really knows Michael all that well. Sure kissing him is hot, but they're going to need more than that if they're going to make this work.

So he sent Michael a text during his shift, asking him to meet Kyle at the Wild Pony that evening. He knew Alex was working on some things, and he let him know they'd be hanging out. If nothing else, a beer or two would make it easier, especially with working out the past and what they wanted for the future.

So he changes after his rounds and heads over to the bar, ordering a beer and settling at a table out of the way and looks for Guerin.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"If you don't want people to know and the foster family doesn't want people to know..." Michael shrugs. "The checks keep coming, I don't cause any trouble really so who the fuck gives a shit about some nothing kid."

Michael looks down at the bottle of whiskey and the conversation is starting to really make him tense. It's a lot and it doesn't seem to have a point which made it worse somehow. "Do these what ifs even matter, Kyle? The point is no one's fucking perfect. No one's all good or all bad, you of all people should know that." Because no the aliens shouldn't have been there but they'd been there long before Kyle's father and by then hadn't the lore around them already been built up by xenophobic idiots?

"I don't know, Kyle. I don't have the same frame of reference as you. I didn't grow up loving her or even knowing she fucking existed. I thought I was alone because I was alone. And fuck, I'd run away here and stare at the stars and just wish someone would come save me and she was... there instead. So it doesn't matter. And you know, I thought Isobel killed those girls. I saw her, Kyle. It didn't change a damned thing about what I felt or thought about her and I protected her from the truth instead. So I'm the wrong person to ask if you want someone to agree with you."

But in Kyle's mind, someone should care. Someone should realize these kids are being hurt, and he's though it enough to help make sure they stay well and do everything he can or them, and he just feels like he keeps seeing the world anew, and none of it's good and it hurts. It hurts feeling he should do more, and he isn't even sure where to start.

"It matters to me," he says softly, even as he shakes his head. "Which doesn't matter. I get it," he says in the same voice, staring off into the desert but not really seeing anything at all.

"I don't want or need you to agree with me. I just realized that drinking isn't helping me much because it makes it harder not to talk about what I'm always thinking about," he says, putting the bottle kind of pressed between their legs, just to hold it up right, not even wanting to hold it because he's not sure he won't take another drink.

"Forget I said anything. I'm just being a dick with alcohol in his system rambling. Ignore me and everything I've said. Seriously, I'll be fine."

Because there's no other choice. There's things he needs to do, and people he needs to help and he just needs to forget about it all. At least openly, because it doesn't matter what he's thinking about if no one else knows.

Michael rolls his eyes because there's something irritating about the way Kyle would say something and dismiss himself in the same breath and he was constantly doing it. He didn't say anything about it, though.

"You're an idiot," Michael exhales and he's not going to forget anything that Kyle's said but there's no point in pushing the topics either because they're not ones that help either of them.

"But not the best method to get to know each other probably."

Are they really learning much about each other this way? Fucking would have been less frustrating and probably just as productive. Michael doesn't say it out loud, though.

Kyle catches his lower lip between his teeth, biting down hard. In truth, he's fed up and he's just about done with everything at the moment. He isn't sure what he's not doing right, or should be doing, and he's had too much alcohol to not regret everything he's just said.

"If your best method is calling me an idiot and expecting to blow you or some shit, I can start hiking back now," he says, shaking his head as he shifts both arms behind him, leaning back on them and staring up at the sky.

"All you've had to say all along is you just want it physical and ... Hell, maybe you did and I just wasn't listening. My bad," he says, and hating that it bothers him because he would want more, but he can't force that either.

Michael isn’t exactly expecting that extreme or a reaction from Kyle. It felt like his words had been taken far more seriously than they’d been said which he guessed is his fault. It’s not like they know how to talk to one another. He wouldn’t say so but he missed the others arm where it had been the contact lessened by Kyle’s shift.

And it’d be easy to just let Kyle think he’s right, it’s a safer option. After all, it’s only a matter of time isn’t it?

“If that’s what you’re taking away from this then you really are a fucking idiot,” he mutters and works his jaw for a long moment. “You keep saying shit and then wanting me to forget it. You wanna talk about all this shit that isn’t you and I’m supposed to get to know you? But I’m the one that just wants something physical, maybe you just want a therapist. Fuck you, Valenti.”

"I told you to forget it because I'm laying shit on you that you don't need to deal with. It's my bullshit family drama to work through and I felt bad for rambling on about it. Hence the forget about it because you shouldn't have to listen to me bitch."

His tones are sharp, as brittle as he feels.

"But if this is just going to be me trying even if I'm getting it wrong and you constantly calling me names, then I don't know what else I'm supposed to do because I really don't have the emotional strength right now for this."

He's coping with family and the aftermath of Jesse, and what the hell he's even doing with Jesse because he can't keep him in a coma forever, and waiting for this to fall apart and to be single again before he was even not actually single with Manes, and the constant turmoil because after Caulfield before things went to Hell and the cabin and now this, he just isn't sure what to do anymore.

Michael rolls his eyes and the anger and frustration with Kyle just builds and kicks out his foot with a telekinetic blast that sends dirt and small rocks flying off and doesn't really do anything to soothe it but at least he won't blow up at Kyle verbally.

"Nothing I fucking say is going to be the right thing. It never is."

He never has the right thing to say to Alex either. To Max. To Isobel. Maria. It's not like things are great for him, his world had come apart at Caulfield and then hadn't stopped. He'd finally found his family only to have to leave his mom to be bombed to oblivion while he watched and did nothing to save her or any of them. That feeling he'd felt when they first got close to the prison hadn't quite gone away. And then everything that had happened with Max and his hand. It's not like he could even explain why that healing was such a trauma but everyone saw it as a good thing.

But he hadn't minded hearing about Kyle's problems but it had been frustrating when it seems Kyle just wants to sit in the feelings without doing anything about them. He didn't need Kyle to agree with his ideas but it pissed him off that he should dismiss an entire conversation they'd had.

"I take you to one of the most important places to me on this planet and you tell me forget the entire conversation we had because I don't know, I guess you didn't get what you wanted from me so you just want to act like you made a mistake talking to me. You aren't trying to get to know me, Kyle and you're blaming me. So yeah, I think you're being an idiot. And you're completely ignoring the parts of what I said that mattered. I'm trying to tell you I don't want something just physical and you're getting upset because I called you an idiot because you didn't catch on but then again you'd have to get your head out of your ass and think about anything I've actually said or done to realize that."

Michael jumps off the tailgate and maybe he should have let off a few more telekinetic blasts because that still wasn't the best way to say anything. Then again no one had ever accused Michael of being a good communicator.

"I'll drive you home or whatever."

Because there's no way that's not what Kyle wants.

Kyle rolls his eyes at the display, some part of him knowing he should be concerned all things considered but it's still Michael Guerin even if he technically has the ability to literally take Kyle apart with his mind.

"Stop comparing me to everyone else. I just don't fucking know what you want, but I want to try. So instead of just flying off the damn handle, talk to me instead of making me feel like I'm fucking beneath even your contempt."

Because he gets it. He's human. He's not one of them. He's a doctor and he technically has the knowledge to destroy Michael and his whole family. But he hasn't, and he won't.

"I told you to forget it because it's not your place to deal with the horrible things my father did to your family and me whining about it, Guerin. I'm bitching about a man that has hurt you and your family and you know what? I do want you to forget it, because the last thing I want is for you to look at me and see him and all he's done."

His words crack, hating how emotional he feels over this. Not just about his father but about the fact that they can't seem to spend time together without fighting.

"And you can think I'm idiot. I don't fucking care," he says, knowing he's lying. "But I refuse to let the fact that he took me to games and camping and all outweigh that in the end, he was a horrible person. He never should have died like he did but that doesn't negate the truth either. But I'm not blaming you, Michael. I'm blaming myself."

For letting himself fall in love with someone who is in love with another. For letting himself think he could be forgiven for the past, for his family. For thinking he had any clue how to make this work.

"But you haven't told me anything, Michael. You've snapped, and you've grumped at me, and you've made me feel like I'm fucking six years old again and can't do a goddamn thing right but don't pretend as if you've talked to me because you haven't. At me, sure, but don't pretend you've even given me anything but apparently cryptic clues that prove to you I'm an idiot because I haven't picked up on them."

Kyle slides off the tailgate, turning to face Michael. "I think I'm going to stay here a bit longer. I'm not ready to go back. And..." He pauses, figuring he's going to say the wrong thing again but being honest. "I hope you don't leave, and it's not because I worry about you driving like this, which I do," he says, and he can't help the truth. The thought of Michael racing out of there as angry as he is terrifies the doctor in him that has done one too many ER rounds. "But because in the end, we both care about the same person and he deserves us trying again."

Because there's little Kyle wouldn't do for Alex, not after all he's put him through and all he's come to care for him.

Michael could keep arguing because there's something Kyle is missing in what Michael had been trying to get across about his dad. But Kyle was stuck in his way on it so it didn't matter. Michael knew when to give up on a battle if he really didn't want to fight it and he really didn't want to fight this one. He didn't want to fight with Kyle at all.

But he does have to say one thing.

"I don't see what he did when I look at you," and maybe that's why he doesn't want Kyle to forget about the fact that his father loved him and that mattered. Even with everything else it still mattered and he wasn't the same as Jesse Manes. But none of them were simply their father's sons -- or maybe Michael was but who's going to know? "You shouldn't blame yourself for any of it. That's like saying Alex should blame himself. So don't be a fucking hypocrite because you know what you'd say to Alex if he came at you with this bullshit."

The feeling that he can't say anything right really doesn't dissipate the more Kyle talks. He sighs as he leans on the side of the truck, his arms propped on it as he stares at Kyle. It's not like he's going to just drive off without Kyle.

"Ask me a question that's not about relationship status or what I want from this."

"I do." He says it quickly, so fast, and he knows he should stop but he can't. "I think about what he did every time I see you, or Isobel, and every time I see another sign of what has happened in this town because off him and Jesse Manes."

He looks down and away, shifting as he shoves his hands in his pockets, hugging his arms close to his sides, drawing a deep breath and sighing out as he looks at Michael once, his expression so drawn and showing the pain and sadness he keeps trying to hide.

"I don't blame myself for what he did. I fear becoming him. I'm scared to death of letting myself get caught up in all the wrong things. Not like I haven't done it once, right?"

And he is scared he can't swear he won't again.

"And I'm good for do as I say not as I do, Michael," he adds softly. "Because hypocrite is apparently in my DNA." He's been one. His father. Hell, even his mom when he's called her out on her beliefs about the Ortecho's.

"Oh great, course soon as you ask like that, I can't think of anything," he says, smiling thought to soften the words, trying to at least make himself relax. Which isn't easy when he's positive everything he says will be looked down on and seen as idiotic. "Tell me about this place," he says softly. "About how you feel out here."

Maybe it does sound stupid but he said it's important to him, so he wants to know.

Micahel sighs, pushing his fingers through his hair and he can't help but find that a bit infuriating and he doesn't know why. But there's no point in arguing or telling Kyle that he doesn't need to worry about shit like that. People who worry about it aren't the people who become the monsters. It's the ones who never stop to consider they could.

"Then do better and stop being a fucking hypocrite," Michael settles on it being the only thing he'll say to that matter. He taps his fist lightly on the truck's bed's frame.

It's a bit hard to shift away from the anger but he'll do it. He has to. He shifts and moves to grab the bottle of alcohol again taking a long drink from it.

"When I ended up back in Roswell, this became my spot. On the really bad nights, I'd come here. Something felt... connected here and I guess it's kind of stupid but I'd look up at the sky and just wait for someone to come for me." Michael lifts a shoulder. "Sometimes it made me feel less alone, imagining someone was out there looking..." he furrowed his brow because after the prison well... it's not likely anyone had ever been looking for him after all. "It's the one place I could be that I could hope things would get better."

Before Alex, anyway.

"Another time we'll talk about why I became a hypocrite," he says, being honest about it because if they're actually going to truly get involved in all of this, then eventually all of this has to be talked about. What's the point if they don't share?

But this is about Michael, about this place, not about Kyle getting hard at the thought of kissing his best friend during a game of spin the bottle, and fearing being beaten like Alex was so often.

"It's not stupid, Michael. Not at all," he says softly, sincere though, being honest about how that sounds and how he feels about it. "It makes sense you would come back to this place, and you don't know there isn't someone out there," he points out. "You were once upon a time. There could be others."

He cants his head back, looking up at the sky. "I mean, let's be honest, Michael. You're the literally proof about why there could have been others out there and could be coming for you."

They have no idea how long it took Michael and his people to get to Earth, after all, and how long it might take others to get there.

Michael shrugs. They could talk about it but he'd be settled on the idea that just because you were once a hypocrite doesn't mean you have to stay one but he lets it go for now.

"If my mom was in Caulfield... I don't really think there was more family out there looking for me," Michael says and he's not trying to be negative but it's just what he believes. If he had any other family they were in that prison when it got blown up too. They were gone. Maybe there were other aliens out there like him, Max and Isobel but that didn't mean they were family in the same way, in the way he'd been wishing for when he was younger.

"It's not the same, but it's fine," Michael shrugged. He knew that because Alex knew Kyle knows that he has part of the ship that crashed that he'd been trying to rebuild it so he could go out searching. But honestly, between Alex... and knowing his mother had died in that prison there feels less and less reason to try. He still felt out of place and like he didn't really belong here but he's not sure he'd belong any better out there either.

"It still feels right to be out here, though." It still feels close to home or something or what he guesses is home since he's never really had one of those to know what it should feel like.

One day Kyle will forgive himself for what he did to Alex. One day. He's pretty sure that won't be any time soon, though the way things have been going he's getting closer to it. He doubts he'll ever let it go through. Forgetting means risking doing it again, in letting his fears control him and Kyle plans to never let that happen again. No matter how much madness he throws himself into trying to prove he won't let fear control him.

Even if he has felt the trickling of it during this talk. Of what he would do to keep the relationships he has and how much he doesn't want to lose this. Not just with Alex, but with Michael as well.

There's a part of Kyle then that wants to argue there could be others, even distant family, but given how little he wants to have with any family besides his mom after everything that's happened, he figures that isn't the right answer either.

"It doesn't have to be fine, but I can understand that." He can't bring himself to talk about accepting he can still love his dad as much as he hates what he did, so how can he push Michael to cope with dealing with so much worse.

"Thank you for bringing me out here. For sharing this with me."

Michael's quiet for a while and he shrugs.

"You wanted to know me, this was just a good place to start," he says. He feels exhausted somehow, this whole conversation starting at the bar and now here just weighty.

"I'm trying, Kyle."

He's trying to make it work too.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only