[it takes Elijah a beat as he listens to Kyle's apology, and suddenly the vampire decides that sympathy is the last thing he deserves or really wants in this moment. His friend probably got to go back to her life, and maybe it was dangerous there-- she did carry the scars of bullet holes across her chest, after all, but who was Elijah to actually be upset about this?
He frowns and gets up, goes to the fridge to pull out a beer. Twists the top open and sighs.]
No, it's okay, I shouldn't have bothered you with it. It's so small, and people go home all the time, don't they. Your time will come soon enough. I'm sure you'll be happy to leave.
[the thought hurt, even though Elijah didn't know why, but he didn't like it-- he didn't even know why he said it, but there it was. He wished he could take it back, but instead he just drank.]
[He hears the sound of the bottle opening, aching to do the same but he won't let himself. He won't go and get the bottle in the kitchen. He has to stay healthy and strong, to be ready when he's needed, whenever he might be wanted again.]
Elijah, if you don't listen to anything else I say, don't believe anything else, please believe this. I am always here for you. No matter how small you think it is, because it's not small to you. I'm here for you.
[And he knows in saying that he is opening himself up to so much that will hurt him, so much more that he's sure he can handle but he's there for Elijah. Always.]
But don't ever think that. [His voice is harder than he means it to be then, hurt and angry and not able to hide it.]
My life is here, Elijah. It will always be here for as long as I can stay here, and if they try and make me leave, I'll fight my way back. This is my home and my life and I only want to be here.
But I know how it feels losing people here. I had someone here, and the last night I talked to them they were drunk and unhappy and I was overworked and distracted. I never saw or heard from them again. So I know how it feels and it's awful, Elijah. I'm sorry you have to go through this as well.
[Thinking it over, the last time he spoke to her was to set up this dinner. At least it was a nice conversation. The last time he saw her was nice as well-- nothing negative had happened, and he'd regret something like that. These were memories he let himself have. There was a giant gaping hole in the middle, and a part of him knew exactly what filled that hole, but he was still avoiding it, avoiding it until something or someone forced him to open the wound. Hadn't he wounds enough?]
You don't have to, you know. You don't owe me. I'm not exactly the best person for you to stay for. I let someone die. I loved them, and I let them die. You say I loved you, what if I do the same? Why stay for someone like me. Then I killed myself.
[all this is said without emotion, dead and dry like the leaves in winter, crumbled to a decaying ball, like his shriveled heart right now.]
It makes Kyle think about that night with the snow and the ice and the driving wind. It also makes him think about right now with Elijah. What could end up being the last things they say to one another if this place tears them apart?
It's a painful thought that has him shifting, sitting up and bending over, his elbows on his knees and holding the phone to his ear.
You're right, I don't have to. I want to. This isn't about what I owe you, or feeling I'm indebted or anything of the sort. It's about making a choice.
[There's so many things he wants to say, that he should say but he fears if he says them he'll chase Elijah away, make him shut off more and hang up.]
Then I die. I'll die by my choices, but I know what I want. I know who I want to be with. If that never happens again, then I'll still wait.
[He's trying not to say that he loves him, that he wants him back, but he's not lying either. Elijah asked and he's being honest.]
[Elijah just rubbed his forehead, frustrated that Kyle just didn't get what a horrible person he was. Kyle was human, and Elijah had killed so many people that he'd lost count. He let the woman he loved die, and here Kyle was saying that he'd be fine with dying for Elijah. It made no sense, and yet it made something in him ache, yet made him nauseous at the same time-- like he was repsonsible and knew it. Was this yet another dream he'd wake from knowing everything that he'd done wrong?
No, it couldn't be, and Elijah would not allow himself to even consider the thought.
You're a fool to even think that. You have no idea who I am, or what I've done. You can say what you will, but you haven't known me long enough to really understand the type of person I am. I'm violent and evil. I kill without thinking twice when it suits me. I can feed from a human without a second thought. In fact, I did it earlier tonight. I sought a woman, compelled her, drank from her and left her.
[he thinks he can shock Kyle into sense, or shake some sense into this man who seems to know that Elijah is this other person, this delightful fool with some amazing virtue, when Elijah knows full well and good now, that he is nothing of the sort.]
[Kyle is quiet, not saying a word. He lets Elijah go on, listening and then closing his eyes tight as he bows his head. It's not like he could pretend that he didn't think Elijah wasn't out feeding on others, but that doesn't change that it hurts. Even if he's not sure Elijah remembers enough to know he's hurting Kyle. Warning him, yes, but he's hurting him so much that his chest aches.]
Well, if I thought you were trying to actually hurt me, you would have hit your mark but you're not scaring me.
[His voice is harder then, passionate and frustrated and trying not to just snap and tell him everything and knowing he can't not say anything.]
Elijah Mikaelson, I'm curious...
[Elijah can't see him but Kyle straightens. His eyes are bright, ignoring the tears that have slipped down his cheeks as he sits up straighter, pushing to his feet.]
Which parts are you referring to when you call yourself violent and evil? Ripping out people's hearts? Killing those you cared about? All those things behind the Red Door that you did when your emotions were turned off? Which do you think I don't know about? Which do you think I don't remember from when I walked through that door of my own free will?
[It's a hard challenge, his hands shaking and fighting not to start sobbing because he knows what Elijah is trying to do and he's not falling for this.]
And I know you can feed without a second thought. You did it from me without hours of us meeting. And you didn't have to compel me or abandon me after either.
[maybe. maybe there's a tiny small part of Elijah that knows he's hurting Kyle, and maybe he's doing it because he doesn't think he deserves anyone right now-- especially the person who had showed him such loving devotion, when all Elijah had done was treat him so roughly and all but use him during sex, even if he'd been a little bit gentler after. Guilt played wildly with his conscious. No matter how Elijah played this, he would never win.
He listened, and inhaled, exhaled, then thought of one thing that Kyle missed.]
I never turned my feelings off. I did all those things with my emotions on.
[it did shock him though. It shocked Elijah to know that Kyle had seen beyond his red door, that he'd willingly taken that step and made it out the other side. When Hayley had done the same thing, she had taken off and not come back to Elijah, not really and then Elijah had forgotten her and then her death and they'd never had time to reconcile. It was all a little too horrible for words. A sob wells up in Elijah's throat, and he doesn't even know why, or who it's for, but it's there.]
How...
Fuck.
[the word slips out before he realizes it, and he wants to take it back, to pull it all back, but he doesn't know how a human made it through that horrid revelation and could still love him. He wants to know. He wants to know what kind of man this is, or how someone like Elijah could even deserve that. Especially now. Elijah feels about as worthy as the dog shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. He's still reeling from that, when Kyle drops the next bomb. They had a close enough bond that Elijah fed from him after hours? of them meeting?]
.... I would never. That's. No. I don't trust people. I don't let people get that close, nor would I feed from a willing human without compulsion, it's just not done.
[His tones are still rough, thick from the tears that threaten to overcome him. He's hurting, and he's finally angry that after a thousand years of being denied happiness by his family, he's denying his chance at it.]
Because it doesn't. I saw it all, and I clung to you, screaming, and I still held you. I mourned all you had lost and everything you had been through. I know you keep saying you're not ready, Elijah, but it hurts knowing all I offered and it... you don't...
[He winces, shaking his head. It's not that easy to say it, to try and not hurt Elijah despite how bad he's hurting himself.]
Have you had that blood you took with you? Did you think I just had several bags of the same blood type laying around? The same person's blood? It's mine. I've been taking it as often as I can. First so you could take it to club nights with Rebekah, and then because I didn't know what you would need coming out of the coma. My blood is yours, Elijah, and honestly? I really don't care how things are done. I care about how we do things.
[He keeps waiting for the call to end, for Elijah to hang up on him. He's stayed silent and let him runaway and not texted him constantly and begged him to come home but he Elijah opened the door, as it were, and now he's not sure he can close it. Even if he's trying so hard not to say too much. Just what he's done and how he feels.]
I just don't. I can't put it together, Kyle. I'm sorry.
[Elijah sighs and as much as he doesn't want to think about this, Kyle is really beginning to force him to face some of the facts from his old life here -- it was so short, and yet he gave this human so much power over him. He doesn't understand that in light of how he feels and felt for Hayley, and how he knows it would have disrupted the flow of life within the Mikaelson family at large.]
Thank you for the blood. I needed it when I woke, but I just can't do this right now. Thank you for listening to me. I think I should go. Goodnight, Kyle.
[it's hard, but Elijah hangs up, feeling lost and very alone right now. He doesn't know what's going on, but suddenly he wishes he were back home with his family and had someone, anyone to be with at the moment. Alone just isn't cutting it.]
[Kyle listens, and he hurts for Elijah. He hurts that he can't help him, and that Kyle's love for him is causing so much trouble for him. It hurts. Like he imagines it would if someone had physically reached into his chest and ripped out his heart.
Closing his eyes, listening to the phone go dead even as he whispers softly.]
I love you.
[He lets the device fall with a clatter onto the desk, turning and heading inside. Making it to the couch, curling up and not fighting the tears he feels. Philip's gone. Margo has Seth and happiness. He hasn't anyone left he feels he can turn to and much as he fights against the fears, he knows he might spend the rest of his life loving someone that will never see him again.]
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He frowns and gets up, goes to the fridge to pull out a beer. Twists the top open and sighs.]
No, it's okay, I shouldn't have bothered you with it. It's so small, and people go home all the time, don't they. Your time will come soon enough. I'm sure you'll be happy to leave.
[the thought hurt, even though Elijah didn't know why, but he didn't like it-- he didn't even know why he said it, but there it was. He wished he could take it back, but instead he just drank.]
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Elijah, if you don't listen to anything else I say, don't believe anything else, please believe this. I am always here for you. No matter how small you think it is, because it's not small to you. I'm here for you.
[And he knows in saying that he is opening himself up to so much that will hurt him, so much more that he's sure he can handle but he's there for Elijah. Always.]
But don't ever think that. [His voice is harder than he means it to be then, hurt and angry and not able to hide it.]
My life is here, Elijah. It will always be here for as long as I can stay here, and if they try and make me leave, I'll fight my way back. This is my home and my life and I only want to be here.
But I know how it feels losing people here. I had someone here, and the last night I talked to them they were drunk and unhappy and I was overworked and distracted. I never saw or heard from them again. So I know how it feels and it's awful, Elijah. I'm sorry you have to go through this as well.
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You don't have to, you know. You don't owe me. I'm not exactly the best person for you to stay for. I let someone die. I loved them, and I let them die. You say I loved you, what if I do the same? Why stay for someone like me. Then I killed myself.
[all this is said without emotion, dead and dry like the leaves in winter, crumbled to a decaying ball, like his shriveled heart right now.]
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It's a painful thought that has him shifting, sitting up and bending over, his elbows on his knees and holding the phone to his ear.
You're right, I don't have to. I want to. This isn't about what I owe you, or feeling I'm indebted or anything of the sort. It's about making a choice.
[There's so many things he wants to say, that he should say but he fears if he says them he'll chase Elijah away, make him shut off more and hang up.]
Then I die. I'll die by my choices, but I know what I want. I know who I want to be with. If that never happens again, then I'll still wait.
[He's trying not to say that he loves him, that he wants him back, but he's not lying either. Elijah asked and he's being honest.]
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No, it couldn't be, and Elijah would not allow himself to even consider the thought.
You're a fool to even think that. You have no idea who I am, or what I've done. You can say what you will, but you haven't known me long enough to really understand the type of person I am. I'm violent and evil. I kill without thinking twice when it suits me. I can feed from a human without a second thought. In fact, I did it earlier tonight. I sought a woman, compelled her, drank from her and left her.
[he thinks he can shock Kyle into sense, or shake some sense into this man who seems to know that Elijah is this other person, this delightful fool with some amazing virtue, when Elijah knows full well and good now, that he is nothing of the sort.]
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Well, if I thought you were trying to actually hurt me, you would have hit your mark but you're not scaring me.
[His voice is harder then, passionate and frustrated and trying not to just snap and tell him everything and knowing he can't not say anything.]
Elijah Mikaelson, I'm curious...
[Elijah can't see him but Kyle straightens. His eyes are bright, ignoring the tears that have slipped down his cheeks as he sits up straighter, pushing to his feet.]
Which parts are you referring to when you call yourself violent and evil? Ripping out people's hearts? Killing those you cared about? All those things behind the Red Door that you did when your emotions were turned off? Which do you think I don't know about? Which do you think I don't remember from when I walked through that door of my own free will?
[It's a hard challenge, his hands shaking and fighting not to start sobbing because he knows what Elijah is trying to do and he's not falling for this.]
And I know you can feed without a second thought. You did it from me without hours of us meeting. And you didn't have to compel me or abandon me after either.
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He listened, and inhaled, exhaled, then thought of one thing that Kyle missed.]
I never turned my feelings off. I did all those things with my emotions on.
[it did shock him though. It shocked Elijah to know that Kyle had seen beyond his red door, that he'd willingly taken that step and made it out the other side. When Hayley had done the same thing, she had taken off and not come back to Elijah, not really and then Elijah had forgotten her and then her death and they'd never had time to reconcile. It was all a little too horrible for words. A sob wells up in Elijah's throat, and he doesn't even know why, or who it's for, but it's there.]
How...
Fuck.
[the word slips out before he realizes it, and he wants to take it back, to pull it all back, but he doesn't know how a human made it through that horrid revelation and could still love him. He wants to know. He wants to know what kind of man this is, or how someone like Elijah could even deserve that. Especially now. Elijah feels about as worthy as the dog shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. He's still reeling from that, when Kyle drops the next bomb. They had a close enough bond that Elijah fed from him after hours? of them meeting?]
.... I would never. That's. No. I don't trust people. I don't let people get that close, nor would I feed from a willing human without compulsion, it's just not done.
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[His tones are still rough, thick from the tears that threaten to overcome him. He's hurting, and he's finally angry that after a thousand years of being denied happiness by his family, he's denying his chance at it.]
Because it doesn't. I saw it all, and I clung to you, screaming, and I still held you. I mourned all you had lost and everything you had been through. I know you keep saying you're not ready, Elijah, but it hurts knowing all I offered and it... you don't...
[He winces, shaking his head. It's not that easy to say it, to try and not hurt Elijah despite how bad he's hurting himself.]
Have you had that blood you took with you? Did you think I just had several bags of the same blood type laying around? The same person's blood? It's mine. I've been taking it as often as I can. First so you could take it to club nights with Rebekah, and then because I didn't know what you would need coming out of the coma. My blood is yours, Elijah, and honestly? I really don't care how things are done. I care about how we do things.
[He keeps waiting for the call to end, for Elijah to hang up on him. He's stayed silent and let him runaway and not texted him constantly and begged him to come home but he Elijah opened the door, as it were, and now he's not sure he can close it. Even if he's trying so hard not to say too much. Just what he's done and how he feels.]
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[Elijah sighs and as much as he doesn't want to think about this, Kyle is really beginning to force him to face some of the facts from his old life here -- it was so short, and yet he gave this human so much power over him. He doesn't understand that in light of how he feels and felt for Hayley, and how he knows it would have disrupted the flow of life within the Mikaelson family at large.]
Thank you for the blood. I needed it when I woke, but I just can't do this right now. Thank you for listening to me. I think I should go. Goodnight, Kyle.
[it's hard, but Elijah hangs up, feeling lost and very alone right now. He doesn't know what's going on, but suddenly he wishes he were back home with his family and had someone, anyone to be with at the moment. Alone just isn't cutting it.]
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Closing his eyes, listening to the phone go dead even as he whispers softly.]
I love you.
[He lets the device fall with a clatter onto the desk, turning and heading inside. Making it to the couch, curling up and not fighting the tears he feels. Philip's gone. Margo has Seth and happiness. He hasn't anyone left he feels he can turn to and much as he fights against the fears, he knows he might spend the rest of his life loving someone that will never see him again.]