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( he's not going to lose it in front of kyle. that much is incredibly important to him, even as his chest aches and he has to swallow down a lump in his throat that threatens to burst. the whole point of shutting people out of the room was to prevent exactly this, but the idea of sending kyle out of here now is somehow so much worse.

he waits another moment, hovering just short of any real kind of contact, and then nick turns very abruptly and throws his arms around kyle's neck. he clings tight, enough that it's probably a good thing kyle isn't human, and he exhales slowly.

he still doesn't lose it. )

I don't want to think about this shit any more.

[ All Kyle wants to do is hold Nick close and just try and offer whatever comfort he can. Instead he just holds himself very still, ignoring the way his eyes burn and his chest hurts. There's almost a physical pain in wanting to move but he knows it's his desires and this needs to be about what Nick needs.

At first he doesn't move, closing his eyes and fighting back tears. Then just one arm moves, resting his palm against his back. Not holding him tight, just trying to offer some kind of comfort. ]

How can I help?

[ His voice is so small and so soft, scared of startling him and making Nick push him out. ]

( the answer to a question like that is so big that nick can't possibly fathom a real answer right now. he wants to scream, but the idea of actually vocalising any of the thoughts rattling around his head makes him feel insane. he wants to be by himself, but he wants kyle here more. contradictions on contradictions, and the only sure thing is that the touch around his waist is the only thing that has made him feel remotely better so far. )

You're helping.

( he's just as quiet as kyle, leaning until his cheek rests against the other man's and exhaling carefully and slowly. and when that isn't enough, he turns his face too, brushes a kiss across kyle's cheek and closes his eyes. )

You are. I just want–

( he cuts off, frustrated, because half the problem is that nick has no idea what it is nick wants, from kyle or in general. )

[ It's always been part of Kyle to just forge in and do things, fix them, make it better. It's why he hasn't held back in medical school, why he's a surgeon. It's why he learned all he could to help Liz, then Isobel when she was so sick. It's what he had started out doing in this place but his ex had drawn him off course.

Now he's back to trying to be the man he wants to be and he isn't sure how. He just knows that for both of their sake, he has to not know what truly happened because seeing Nick like this, he's sure he's going to destroy someone. He's not sure he's not going to do like he is now.

So when Nick moves in closer, that soft nuzzle and the kiss, Kyle feels something loosen in his chest.

No less tense though as he shifts slowly, wrapping his arms around Nick and holding him as he presses a kiss to his temple. ]

Then just stay like this. Take what you need because I'm here for you. Nothing else matters right now.

[ He'll get back to texting Maria, but right now he's here for Nick. ]

I want to skip to the part where I've already forgotten about this.

( nick has annoyingly complex feelings on all things mind and memory, frankly. most of the time it isn't an issue, but moments like now, he'd rather be the type of person that was happy to just get their memory altered. it'd be simple to just wipe the whole thing — but even as the thought appeals to him, the idea makes his skin crawl.

there's really no winning, here.

he sighs as he loosens a hand around kyle's shoulders, slides it around until his palm rests over kyle's cheek instead. )

I don't want to... ( he trails off, a vague sense of tension in the words even if his body is significantly more relaxed. he leans up again, watching kyle and his reactions carefully for a moment for any kind of issue before he leans in again. pressing another soft kiss, this time to the corner of kyle's mouth. ) I just want this, for now. That's all.

I'm sorry. You know if I could do that for you, I would offer.

[ Of course if he could do that, he wouldn't be turning to Ragnor to get rid of the emotional connection to Elijah's memories. ]

You know there are those that can help with that, if it's what you want.

[ Though in this place, how often could he end up having to do it? It's a sick and scary though, and he hates Nick has to be here for this. Even if he would miss him for as long as he gets to live if he left.

Kyle doesn't take anything. He lets Nick lead things with his touch, his kisses. Following that lead as he slides one hand along his back, trying to sooth him, offering what comfort he can. ]

I'm here, Nick. As long as you need. Whatever you need. You wanna move somewhere? Sit down? Or we can just stay here.

( the thing is, nick hates memory magic. hates the idea of someone being in his head at all, actually, but fiddling around with memories, changing things, it makes his skin crawl. and yet, the offer sounds...incredibly appealing.

he still shakes his head, but the thought is tucked away in the back of his mind for now. instead he takes a step back, catching hold of kyle's hand and holding on tight. )

Come lie down. ( it's not phrased as a question but it is one, nick holding kyle's gaze with a very carefully neutral expression. because he'd really been on the verge of admitting— something to himself, and if this whole situation has shattered that, nick really doesn't know what he'll do.

the city can have everything else, he doesn't care. it can't have this. not before nick even knows what this could be. ) Just lying down. Just for a bit.

[ That singular touch is like a lifeline. Clinging to Nick's hand, terrified he'll lose him because of this and so thankful when he asks that of him.

Following him to the bed, staying close to him. ]

Of course. I'm ready to stay right here with you for as long as you'll let me.

[ He knows he's being needy, and he's not hiding how much he cares about Nick even if he's not going to put it in words. He knows enough to realize that would be a bad idea, especially right now. ]

( nick climbs into the bed, shifts to one side to make space for kyle, and holds his breath. really does it, too, because as much as he wants everything to be the same, he really can't predict how things will change.

but he doesn't tense, and he doesn't panic, and it's honestly such a relief that nick has to turn his face into the pillow and let out that long held sigh. )

Tell me something about you. Something that's not sad.

( he won't tolerate it forever, nick knows too much about himself to believe that, but for now he just wants to worm his way into kyle's arms and stay there. for as long as he can manage. )

[ Kyle may not know what was on that video, but pieces and horrible thoughts are coming to him and so he's being as careful as he can be as he follows Nick and slides up onto the bed.

Moving slowly to curl up on the bed next to him. Not pressing in too close, leaving space but laying so that if Nick wants to, he can move in closer to him as he slides his arm over his waist.

Not sad things. That does make it hard, because so many good things in his life also makes him think about horrible things as well. ]

I went to school at University of Michigan. I was on a football scholarship as a quarterback. And my first season, I screwed up my knee.

Which is not sad. [ He rushes to add that. ] Because I switched to medicine and realized how much I love being a doctor. I like being able to help people.

( it's made that much easier because kyle is letting him move at his own pace. he just doesn't know so much right now, he doesn't know how he's going to react to anything, and every time kyle touches him and he doesn't flinch is another win. so he'll keep taking them.

nick shifts in until he's right by kyle's side, leaning his head near kyle's shoulder and splaying a hand out over his chest. his knee knocks against kyle's, and he stretches out a foot to hook around the other's ankle, until there's points of contact littered all over them, and nick feels all the better for it. )

You were good with that stethoscope, ( nick murmurs in response, smiling faintly and resting his palm over the approximate spot where he assumes kyle's heart must be. remembering when the worst thing they had to deal with in this house was a little accidental poisoning. ) You can tell, you know. When you talk about it, like...it's what you're supposed to be doing. It's nice.

[ Everything about Kyle is devoted to Nick right now. Offering him all he can and to do everything he can for him. Trying to stay calm, to move slowly. He has no idea what could be triggers, what touches might spark memories for Nick and ruin things between them. It's a horrific tension, but one he's going to deal with as long as he needs to for Nick's sake.

They're lay there, facing one another, touching here and there and it feels right. They're together, and Kyle is there for him, and that is what matters. ]

It's all I wanted to do. To help others. Which I know sounds cheesy and corny, but it's what I've tried to do.

[ Right up until he gave up all of who he was for another. Now all he can try and do is fix those things. ]

I gave up on the family career. My dad was the sheriff and then my mom was sheriff.

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