( he knows he's being a coward. he knows he's being stupid and reactive and he's pretty sure that he's going to regret this the moment he goes through with it. but there's a nagging voice in the back of his head that says get out, get out, get out and he can't ignore it. not when there's the paperwork literally sat in front of him.
a week ago he would have signed it. now, nick can't even look at it.
they've barely crossed paths all week and that's the worst part, because nick knows it's because of what nick said, but the awful nasty part of him that needs to escape twists that too, until it's hard to see it as anything other than a rejection of it's own. kyle has never pushed nick into anything he didn't want to do, never made him feel uncomfortable, or try to press an issue nick didn't want to engage with, and it makes perfect sense that he would be exactly the same way with this.
but the lonely hours of the middle of the night spent alone in his own bed easily twist it into something its not, until all he can think about is that it's for the best of everyone if he goes. the bedroom door has been magically locked for two days to stop anyone besides nick from coming in or out, so that no one would know when he started packing.
he could leave without saying anything. kyle would probably let him. maybe that would be better than whatever this is, but it still feels cruel. so he does something only slightly better, and sends him a text. )
so i think i'm probably going to go. i'll take chester with me but cullen likes the sun too much so if you don't mind i think he should stay. i really appreciate you letting me stay here for a bit, it's been fun.
( even after he hits send, there's the icon that indicates nick is still typing for a very long time after, until eventually it disappears. )
[ Kyle stares at the message, the blinking dots, and he waits. Waits for something to make this make sense. Waits for something to make him realize he's not an utter and complete fool.
It never comes.
It takes a while before he can manages a message back.]
if thus iswhat you want then i qwish you luck and hopw you find what youre looking for.
the door is always open and the wardswill always be keyed to you.
Please be carefuk and let me know if you need anything
( there's the dot dot dots again as nick writes and deletes and rewrites and deletes, because there's a hundred things that he wants to say — and a thousand things that he should say — but half the problem is that he can't find the words.
if nick knew how to express even half of what he was thinking properly, he probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. so, as always — when in doubt, he just lies. )
i just think this is the best move for the both of us. youve got a spare room now, someone else can move in if you want them to. im going to be fine. ive got some things sorted out, you don't have to worry about me or anything.
just like. look after yourself ok. youre a really great guy someones gonna have the time of their life with you.
[ as dumb as it was, Kyle had tried the door and found it locked. He wasn't surprised. Yet he had been so busy with work and his pain and helping others he had what? Missed his last chance to see Nick again? It wasn't as if they weren't both trapped in this city and yet he's sure Nick will see to it. Just like that he was gone and it felt so permanent.
Especially with that next message.
He answers it before he can think.]
im not a good person and maybe i never was.
i hope you find whatever it is youre lookign for.
[ Kyle knows there's no one seeking him out. No one he'll have that time with. He had been right when he had told Michael that he wasn't meant for love, but he had fooled himself again. He needed to accept the truth, no matter how much it hurt. He'd had things fail too many times to think otherwise.]
( this is the part that nick was dreading. he should have waited longer, so he didn't actually have to have the conversation. something caught between guilt and misery shatters, and he's so close to throwing all his resolve away and yanking the door open. he could do it, he could say sorry and beg forgiveness and kyle would probably let him, and they could forget any of this ever happened.
instead he just squeezes the device so tight that his palms ache, feeling a little like he's screaming internally as he runs over the words again and again. because he knows if he opens the door, he'll change his mind, but nick is so convinced that he's making the right choice for all of them. )
it's really not you. it's not. it's me. i need to go. i'm sorry.
( it doesn't make him feel any better, but at least he can try and make sure they're all on the same page about what's happening here. nick is the problem, and he's weeding himself out like a poisonous root. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text | evening of the 26th
a week ago he would have signed it. now, nick can't even look at it.
they've barely crossed paths all week and that's the worst part, because nick knows it's because of what nick said, but the awful nasty part of him that needs to escape twists that too, until it's hard to see it as anything other than a rejection of it's own. kyle has never pushed nick into anything he didn't want to do, never made him feel uncomfortable, or try to press an issue nick didn't want to engage with, and it makes perfect sense that he would be exactly the same way with this.
but the lonely hours of the middle of the night spent alone in his own bed easily twist it into something its not, until all he can think about is that it's for the best of everyone if he goes. the bedroom door has been magically locked for two days to stop anyone besides nick from coming in or out, so that no one would know when he started packing.
he could leave without saying anything. kyle would probably let him. maybe that would be better than whatever this is, but it still feels cruel. so he does something only slightly better, and sends him a text. )
so i think i'm probably going to go. i'll take chester with me but cullen likes the sun too much so if you don't mind i think he should stay.
i really appreciate you letting me stay here for a bit, it's been fun.
( even after he hits send, there's the icon that indicates nick is still typing for a very long time after, until eventually it disappears. )
no subject
It never comes.
It takes a while before he can manages a message back.]
if thus iswhat you want then i qwish you luck and hopw you find what youre looking for.
the door is always open and the wardswill always be keyed to you.
Please be carefuk and let me know if you need anything
no subject
if nick knew how to express even half of what he was thinking properly, he probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. so, as always — when in doubt, he just lies. )
i just think this is the best move for the both of us.
youve got a spare room now, someone else can move in if you want them to.
im going to be fine.
ive got some things sorted out, you don't have to worry about me or anything.
just like. look after yourself ok.
youre a really great guy someones gonna have the time of their life with you.
no subject
Especially with that next message.
He answers it before he can think.]
im not a good person and maybe i never was.
i hope you find whatever it is youre lookign for.
[ Kyle knows there's no one seeking him out. No one he'll have that time with. He had been right when he had told Michael that he wasn't meant for love, but he had fooled himself again. He needed to accept the truth, no matter how much it hurt. He'd had things fail too many times to think otherwise.]
no subject
instead he just squeezes the device so tight that his palms ache, feeling a little like he's screaming internally as he runs over the words again and again. because he knows if he opens the door, he'll change his mind, but nick is so convinced that he's making the right choice for all of them. )
it's really not you. it's not. it's me. i need to go. i'm sorry.
( it doesn't make him feel any better, but at least he can try and make sure they're all on the same page about what's happening here. nick is the problem, and he's weeding himself out like a poisonous root. )