[ He hadn't thought that texting Kyle when he couldn't lie - was forced, even, to tell the truth - would be that much of a problem. Or maybe he'd done it knowing subconsciously the kind of thing that might come out. Now that he'd admitted to himself and to Bass, even, his feelings for Guerin, maybe it was that much easier to admit that there might be something here, too. ]
Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
[ Despite their teasing and flirting, Kyle has never truly thought about Alex having any kind of feelings for him beyond friendship. A lot of that comes from feeling certain that Alex will never believe in him or trust him again. Not like maybe he once had.
So for Alex to make that admission stops Kyle for a moment. But he gathers himself before typing back. ]
That's only a problem if you would rather not have those feelings. Not that anyone would blame you if you didn't want to feel that way.
Thank you though. I'm trying not to. Maybe he'll change his mind but we'll see. It's just painful even if I know I don't always deserve the happiness I want.
After everything that I've been going through the last month or two, I think it'd be unfair to make anyone else go through that, too.
I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
Everything like what, Alex? We've all been through shit, and we're all still doing our best to be here for one another. Just because you've had a rough time doesn't mean that others who care about you aren't going to be there for you.
It's not even high school that haunts me sometimes. It's things after that. I don't think I don't deserve to be happy though. I just want to be a better person.
Thank you though. I'm trying to work on that. To let go what happened and not let it have anything to do with my life anymore.
There's a difference between being there for me and being in it with me. Like Guerin is. I think it's unfair for him to be in it and dealing with it, but he's stubborn like that.
I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
I'm not sure I could say I know the difference or ever acted on it, but then I'm the guy that apparently was willing to give up my place at the hospital for the sake of Liz's love for another.
A combination of having had our time and neither of us looking to repeat that, and a lot of the time she was here I was being monogamous to the point of hiding away.
[ It didn't matter that he'd always love her, it just wouldn't have been right. ]
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Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
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So for Alex to make that admission stops Kyle for a moment. But he gathers himself before typing back. ]
That's only a problem if you would rather not have those feelings. Not that anyone would blame you if you didn't want to feel that way.
Thank you though. I'm trying not to. Maybe he'll change his mind but we'll see. It's just painful even if I know I don't always deserve the happiness I want.
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I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
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It's not even high school that haunts me sometimes. It's things after that. I don't think I don't deserve to be happy though. I just want to be a better person.
Thank you though. I'm trying to work on that. To let go what happened and not let it have anything to do with my life anymore.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
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I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
You do deserve it, Kyle. Of course you do.
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I try and convince myself of that but thank you.
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[ It didn't matter that he'd always love her, it just wouldn't have been right. ]
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