Sometimes the best part of bartending is knowing just what your client needs right now. Even more so with a friend.
[ And right now his friend definitely seems to need something warming. Not to mention a bit of Dutch courage.
And the next part is knowing when to listen. To let Chris get this out in his own way, on his own.
That question though catches him off guard and he sits up a bit straighter, considering that. ]
You mean more in here... [ He touches a hand to his chest. ] To who I am as a person. I...
[ The easy answer is there, but he doesn't think easy answers are needed right now. ]
Not normally, but that is because I work very hard to never let myself forget who I was before. I hold tight to those I love, to love which is really important to me in ways I don't think anyone really gets. Maybe Michael? But I don't think even he understands how much it's part of me.
So I hold on to that. Onto being who I've always been because...
[ He picks up his drink and sips instead of gulps even if part of him aches to. ]
Because I haven't always been who I am and I know I can be someone else. Something else. You've seen that yourself... but there's more ways than just that. There's a sort of lack of care for humans in my kind. A lack of care for others. I gave into that for a time right after I was turned and I know what its like. It's not freeing like they believe. It's awful.
[ He sighs. ]
Which is probably way more than you were asking for.
[He folds his hands together in front of him and listens. It's not what he's looking for, but he'd not sure how else to ask.]
I don't mind it. [He offers a little more softly. Even if it's not the answer he's looking for, he never minds listening to Kyle's thoughts, particularly on this. Chris appreciates his perspective.]
I don't think I mean who you are...I- [He knows that at least, right?- Maybe. How much of it was all tied together?]
I think I meant literally what you are. You're Kyle regardless, but if tomorrow- [No, that wouldn't help either, he can trace the track of the question. He'd know the difference between being human and not because his senses would be different, his body would be different. He sighs and scrapes a hand back through his hair.]
I'm trying to parse something. For myself. You know about the whole incident with The Tempest, right? The ship that went out?
[ He realizes what it is when he says no who but what. That thing that Kyle fights against, that he denies if he can because he's afraid of what happens if he doesn't.
He remembers that too. ]
I know I'm not human. I don't feel it though. Even when I do things I know humans can't, I don't feel like I'm not. But I have. I did right after I was turned, when I wasn't doing everything I could to stay as human as I can.
I could feel it, if I let myself. [ It's something he's never let himself admit to anyone. Not at all but he suspect Chris needs to know there is a difference more than he needs to keep that secret. ] I have felt it and there's a reason I don't give myself time to stop and think. To feel.
I do know though. About the ship and all that happened. Nate and you both died, and it hit my household pretty hard but that is nothing compared to what you all went through from what I've heard.
[He waves a hand dismissively at that, eyes darting up to Kyle, but then back away.]
I'm not here to rehash what happened unless you need to know it, it doesn't matter exactly, you've got the parts that do.
What's this feeling? At least...if you can tell me, if you're willing to talk about it. I want to hear.
[He needs to hear...something. He's not sure what'll help at this point, but waiting for his head to sort itself isn't working and he knows his mood is effecting those around him. They don't need this from him and he's not sure he can manage it either.
But not at the expense of Kyle's state of being. Hurting his friend for his own sake isn't worth it.]
I don't need to know anything. I know the parts that matter.
[ People he and Nick love died. Again. He puts on a brave face and takes it all in stride, because he knows others need him to, but that doesn't change how sharply he feels these things. More than he admits to anyone. Nature of the beast. Literally. ]
I don't mind talking about it. I just... never have.
[ If he was honest, no one ever actually asked. Put what was done to him behind him. Forget it. Ignore what he'd been through because the one that did it didn't matter. But some parts of it did. At least to Kyle. ]
When I was first turned, which was two years ago this month actually, I didn't do any of the things I do now. I lived in what I had become. The moments when I woke up on the beach....
[ He pauses there, not thinking about that before now. About how he had died in the ocean just as Chris had. How he'd washed up on that beach, changed.]
I didn't feel human. I felt... feral. Everything was too sharp, too strong. Not just the physical things like the sun or how sounds were amplified but...
[ He's never talked about this and now he's not sure the words he had.
He can't ever forget it. Not anything and that moment is suddenly nearly as overwhelming as it was then and he tips back his glass downing it. ]
When I slow down now, I can feel it. Like what I am is too constrained in my skin. Like it's all too much for who I am and how... It's not who I am and everything I am at the same time.
[ He sighs, pouring himself another single. ]
I'm not sure I have the words to explain it... though I'd never thought about the parallels before. Or that it all happened in the same month.
[He listens quietly, a small shift in his posture for the mention of waking up on the beach his only real tell throughout. He knew Kyle had been on a boat, he'd said as much, and Chris had heard about the general event later, even if it had preceded his arrival here.
His eyes drift back up to Kyle and catch there. There's an intensity of thought and focus in his dark eyes that keeps Chris' attention. He has to force the shift in his mind to refocus on the signs and tells in the other man.
So many of his friends and loved ones called him 'kind' and 'sweet' and all manner of other gentle words that didn't feel like they fit. Not when he knows exactly how inclined to being selfish and inwardly focused he could be. He was doing it now all while Kyle searched himself for something Chris got the impression he hadn't worked to think on before. Out of pain? Negligence? He's not sure, but it's effort and exposing of a nerve that Chris is asking permission to press on.
He should try to be less of a prick.]
An odd coincidence to be sure. You think you felt an energy to you? You said like your skin couldn't -or shouldn't- contain you...maybe cause it was suddenly an ill fit? Yet the only one available.
And you still feel that way? Do you....do you think you feel wrong or just...different?
[ It's not the beach that floods Kyle's senses but so much after. The things he knew others saw in him and thought the worst of. Of him keeping Elijah when others said he was wrong to be with him. In giving up everything else to wrap himself up in what he thought he wanted... and nearly dying even before the veil was removed from his eyes and he saw the truth.
He remembers those days when his life was hungers and desires and while he had his humanity, he didn't think about it. About anything but himself and what he wanted. He wasn't encouraged in that now, and so he remembered why that otherness that could be him could never truly be who he is.
But he knows it is what he is.
He shakes his head though. ]
Not wrong. Just different. Kind of like those comas where I wake up with memories of things I've never done, never had, and yet they're as much a part of me as everything else. Mine and not at the same time.
I guess energy is the best way to put it. If I let myself slow down, like meditation or something? If I do that and clear my thoughts of everything else I'm doing and thinking about all the time?
It's like if I'm touching a really mild voltage, I guess. There's something there. It's not quite comfortable, and it's kind of exciting, but I can't put my finger on any of it.
I'm not even sure how to explain it now.
[ He pauses and then puts things together, though maybe putting them together wrong. ]
How does it feel for you since you came back? What's different? [ Another pause, another drink. ] Have you had that happen before here? Dying?
[Gods...the comas. He'd been through his own what felt like forever ago and it had been so disorienting. Would it be better if it happened again? Would he feel more like himself on the other side of it? Or worse for the comparison of how he should be?
Again, he doesn't let himself dwell. What Kyle describes is fascinating...it makes him want to push the other man, to have him chase the feeling instead of shy from it and see where it took him. What if it helped him like how chasing his nature had helped Rhys? On the other hand, the natures in question were very different circumstances. What if it made things worse?]
I think you're doing a fine job describing it for something I can't possibly know myself.
[And then Kyle asks and he can feel his throat closing around the needed answer. This was foolish, he was human, he didn't feel not human he just felt...wrong. Bad. Guilty. Nothing he couldn't push back down and move on, that was something he was good at...usually.]
I feel fine. [He lies and looks away from Kyle to the bottle of booze so he can set to pouring himself more.] And I have died before, back home, but it was brief and got brought back by my bodyguard and best friend. All's right there.
[So, moving on.]
Have you tried pressing at this feeling of yours? Like with meditation? Focusing in on it as much as you can and the like.
[ There's an unsettled feeling as they talk about this. Having to think about what he's hidden for so long, that memory of living as less than human. The violence and the bloodshed and all that had come with those months after he'd been turned and before they were broken up.
Things he hasn't let himself think about in nearly two years and now it's just there, right below the surface and he's not sure what to think about that sensation.
The words "I feel fine" have never meant anything but covering up the truth, and it's so carefully worded. Looking away didn't help that feeling Kyle has either. ]
Fine could mean a lot. You don't have to talk about it, Chris, but I'm here for you as well. Without judging. Without doing more than letting you talk it out. Just like you're giving me that chance now.
[ And it's why he wants to let him know how he feels, what he's thinking. So that he knows they're sharing this, and that he is willing to talk things out with Chris. ]
Not since I was with Elijah. Then I was entirely open about it all. I sunk into what I was and forgot about who I was. But if we're honest about this?
[ And he needs to be honest about it. For both of them. ]
I still don't know how much of it was what I am and what was what he wanted me to be.
[Kyle says 'you don't have to talk about it and Chris, coward that he sometimes was, took the option. Maybe he'd try again later...maybe not. It just felt...selfish and he knows he's selfish, gods does he know it, but this is a step too far even for him to swallow.
He came to Kyle because he was pulling in on himself, because he was retreating from those he cared for -Kyle included- and it had slapped his hand how he'd deserved. So he was trying. Because Nate said 'talk to someone' and Chris practically choked on the idea, but Kyle was patient and understanding.
And not the right person to talk to when Chris would sit there whining about feeling wrong or fake or dead and Kyle was an actual undead. It pours enough disgust into him, Chris' next drink is swallowed down and refilled before he can respond. It's so much easier to just focus on this, at least.]
Would you want to try again? Now that's just you? For your own purposes and desires. Could keep you company for it in case it's too much...but figure, if you're bound to this life forever, shouldn't you know the corners of it?
[Chris came to Kyle for help and, honestly, he's not sure if he's helping or not. He's answering his questions though and trying to be as open as he finds he can be. And maybe in offering that distraction, or somewhere in his answers, Chris will find the answer he's looking for.
All he knows is that he wants to be there for him if he can. They've been through so much together and that he even came to Kyle meant a lot to him.
He opens his mouth, not sure he's taken enough time to think about it before he says something else. ]
Is that really something you'd want to do? It would feel like asking a lot from you.
[ It was a double edged sword. Chris had seen the worst, had endured it, and could he ask him to risk seeing that again? To have to defend himself once more from Kyle? ]
The truth is, I haven't thought about it. Not since that period before Michael kicked my ass. Once I was back in my own mind and making my own choices? I've focused on the skills I needed to always keep my humanity intact. Honestly?
[ Maybe in saying this he's admitting more than he'd like... or even truly understands himself. ]
I haven't given myself much time for anything that isn't keeping my focus on my humanity. Including the time I spend with those I care about. It's been almost two years and while I embrace what I am in a lot of ways, it's not all that I am or could be. Because what if being all I am means being like him? Or worse, like I was.
Which is more than you should have to talk about if you don't want to. I do understand if you'd rather not.
[He leans forward, elbows bracing on his knees a moment, although one hand reaches out between them to brush Kyle's knee.]
Kyle, you walked into a room thinking I was going to magically bind you to me for an unknown amount of time because you're afraid of what you can do.
No one should have that much fear in them or disregard for the sanctity of autonomy. If I can help ease your mind while you do what you can to find your limits? That's well worth it.
You won't be come him because you're watching for it. That'll never be your fate and, if something starts to get too much, we know how to stop it and we'll adjust from there. I only ask you don't do it alone, even if you choose someone other than me to help.
[He looks up at Kyle from where he's bent more forward, green eyes imploring.]
What you can't do is hide from yourself and sweep your needs under a rug out of fear or shame.
You know what I can do. The worst I can do. Shouldn't I be afraid?
[ His voice is soft then, earnest. He hates reminding Chris of that but its the truth as well. If anyone in this city knows why Kyle is afraid, its Chris. ]
I hate what I did to you and others. I hate that I let him ... No I let me become like that. I won't blame him for it.
[ Even if there was plenty of blame to be passed that way as well. ]
The truth? That I've never said to anyone? I don't know what autonomy is as a vampire. I came to bound and I've gone to great lengths to remain human but you're right. I don't know what its like.
[ He's so quiet, his voice soft, but he never looks away from Chris. ]
My needs are one thing I haven't shied from. I don't think. I mean, I think I'm one of the few vampires in this city who gets their blood directly rather than my blood bank for them.
[ But there's other things about himself, things that could well be needs, things he hasn't let himself think about. And it's truly out of fear of what he could be. ]
I won't be a monster, Chris. I can't let myself be. No matter what I am.
[Chris watches him a moment, then sits up and stands off his chair entirely to crowd into Kyle's space. His hands come up to cup Kyle's face, hold gentle while something in his eyes goes hard.]
Kyle Valenti, Enough of that. You take what happened, a slip of control due to circumstances well outside yourself, and you turn it into a stick to beat yourself with. I've forgiven you and I was the one you attacked, so work on forgiving yourself too cause you're doing no one favors for this self-flagellation.
You don't want to be a monster? Then don't be. Work on that, focus on that, the line between you and what you do or don't want to be, not mistakes of the past you'll never truly learn from if you don't accept.
[ That touch makes Kyle lean in closer, staring up at Chris with his eyes half hooded. His love language is most certainly contact and it's what he responds to the most even if he's rarely gone without it here. ]
I hate that I let that be me, and I've not figured out how to let that go though I've moved past it.
I am working on it. It might not seem that way but I am.
[ And without locking away the bad he's down behind some red door in his mind where he can ignore the worst that's happened. ]
You asked though and I don't know what it's like to sink into being what I am because of the repercussions. It's more than just you and the others too. Things I did with him, that I embraced because I believed they were right and I know now were really just abuse under the guise of bloodlust.
That's why I worry. My only role model in all of this is my memories of a family of cursed children who believe themselves to be tantamount to gods. [ He nearly smiles, a crooked little thing. ] I'm already close enough to a god complex as a doctor.
[He takes a breath and lets his fingers stroke along Kyle's cheeks before he lets them fall away, though he doesn't step back.]
So you're pioneering this. That's why I suggest having someone with you to watch your back. I'd suggest taking on a mentor, but none of the other vampires here are like you, right? Not sure how much help that'd be.
I think you're scared of yourself and what you can do and while caution's appropriate, fear's only gonna hurt you in the long run.
[Something like doubt twists in him after a beat and he looks away as he moves to take a step back from the other man.]
Well, it's your call, that's just my take on it as your friend.
[ He considers that a moment. He isn't sure who is out with others and who isn't but he wants to be careful. ]
There was one here once I wish had stayed. Rafa had kind of stepped in to help. I'm glad for the time we did have. Most of those here I wouldn't look to that way. I adore Diva as a friend and kind of a little sister, but we aren't even of the same mindset.
There's a couple though who have been doing this for a while and who I think I can look to and ask advice from. I don't think either is in a position to want to be a mentor though, but we'll see. Things could grow from a friendship.
[ Wolf and Grayson might help with that and he knows they might as well.
He steps in as Chris moves back, not wanting him to drift away like that. ]
You're right though. I should see. Just so that I know. Please, don't think I'm denying what you're saying, and I'm trying not to live in fear.
Chris, I always want to hear your opinion on things. Because you are my friend and I trust you. If you want to help, I would appreciate it. I know you won't let me hurt you.
[Both Wolf and Grayson run through his mind as well. Wolf would likely take it on because he was kind and would see it as a chance to make sure no one got hurt, including Kyle. Grayson...Chris had his opinions on the man, but they'd reached a truce and some basic understanding. If he saw something in it for him, maybe? Even just curiosity might be enough and he might be more willing to push Kyle the way he needed...but it was all Kyle's choice.
He steps in as Chris tries to move back and there's a flicker of surprise, but he doesn't move back again.]
I do want to help. Just don't want to seem I'm pushing you to something you don't truly want...and perhaps selfishly a bit fearful you'll resent the suggestion if it turns sour?
[He doesn't mean for it to sound like a question, to let his doubt slip in, but he covers it with a smile. Just a silly little thing and not a glimpse of insecurity in his own thought process that he hadn't meant to show.]
Sorry. I'm not meaning to seem to be coming after you. I just don't want you feeling like you have to move away during this talk. Okay?
[ Maybe he fears it's from concern, or that he thinks Kyle is ignoring his suggestion.
And he knows he's not, but he also knows he's skittish as hell about older vampires though he's trying to get over it. All because of the one that had nearly destroyed him in a lot of ways. ]
It doesn't feel like you're pushing me. You're not wrong in any of it, and it's something I've thought about. I just get nervous about someone in that position with me because of what happened before. But I have to try.
But no matter what happens if I try? That has nothing to do with you and me, okay? You're looking out for me and that matters a lot to me. It isn't as if I haven't thought about this as well. Just really cautious.
[His fingers come up to brush along Kyle's chest.]
You've right to be nervous...and if anyone you chose to approach does hurt you or try, you can tell me. I think I'm uniquely abilitied to help you tear them apart for it.
[Or potentially break a compulsion if he found another vampire who could do that to him...but he doesn't even want to put that into the air for possibility.]
You can certainly take care of yourself, but I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't perhaps a little protective of you.
We both know my history hasn't proven to go well for me with others of my kind but I am curious to talk to those I know about helping them. I don't know any vampires here who are younger than me. [ Not yet. ] So there's a good chance one of them might be able to help me. And want to
[ Which means that, perhaps, it wouldn't be intended to hurt him. He can help. ]
But if anyone becomes a threat, trust me. You're one of those I would turn to.
[ That makes him smile then. ]
I think I'm okay with you being protective of me. And one of these days? You'll come to me like this and I'll be able to help you as much as you seem to be able to help me nearly every time we talk.
[He doesn't want to mention Grayson, mostly because he's positive the vampire wouldn't appreciate being outed like that if he wasn't already, and Chris can't be sure if he would even be interested in a mentor role...but if he wasn't, he could also see the problem-solving and puzzle aspect that might appeal to the man. The fact Kyle was a different sort of vampire from himself might be enough to draw his attention.
He keeps it to himself, Kyle should make that decision without unasked for outside input.
For now, he gives a slightly weaker smile, but tries to muster it for Kyle's benefit.]
I'm sure you will. [That was part of why he'd come here today, but...this wasn't something anyone could help with, he was starting to see that now. It wasn't fair to ask.]
Either way, I'm glad I can help you. Might as well offer what wisdom I've got. Between that and killer blowjobs, I've skill enough to handle most things.
[He's mostly joking. Those were probably his two most redeeming qualities. For now, he turns back to the bottle to pour himself just another swallow more.]
[ Trusting another vampire is hard. Kyle knows he never would trust one that came from his sire's world, no matter if they were close to that family or not, but he has to come to trust others.
Certainly Diva isn't one who could help him, friend that he is, but he's finding there's others he could truly turn to. Wolf and Grayson topping that list and he's actually kind of excited about the chance to get to know himself especially. ]
I think you have a lot to offer Chris, and I'm glad you're in this helping me with so much. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ And right now his friend definitely seems to need something warming. Not to mention a bit of Dutch courage.
And the next part is knowing when to listen. To let Chris get this out in his own way, on his own.
That question though catches him off guard and he sits up a bit straighter, considering that. ]
You mean more in here... [ He touches a hand to his chest. ] To who I am as a person. I...
[ The easy answer is there, but he doesn't think easy answers are needed right now. ]
Not normally, but that is because I work very hard to never let myself forget who I was before. I hold tight to those I love, to love which is really important to me in ways I don't think anyone really gets. Maybe Michael? But I don't think even he understands how much it's part of me.
So I hold on to that. Onto being who I've always been because...
[ He picks up his drink and sips instead of gulps even if part of him aches to. ]
Because I haven't always been who I am and I know I can be someone else. Something else. You've seen that yourself... but there's more ways than just that. There's a sort of lack of care for humans in my kind. A lack of care for others. I gave into that for a time right after I was turned and I know what its like. It's not freeing like they believe. It's awful.
[ He sighs. ]
Which is probably way more than you were asking for.
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I don't mind it. [He offers a little more softly. Even if it's not the answer he's looking for, he never minds listening to Kyle's thoughts, particularly on this. Chris appreciates his perspective.]
I don't think I mean who you are...I- [He knows that at least, right?- Maybe. How much of it was all tied together?]
I think I meant literally what you are. You're Kyle regardless, but if tomorrow- [No, that wouldn't help either, he can trace the track of the question. He'd know the difference between being human and not because his senses would be different, his body would be different. He sighs and scrapes a hand back through his hair.]
I'm trying to parse something. For myself. You know about the whole incident with The Tempest, right? The ship that went out?
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He remembers that too. ]
I know I'm not human. I don't feel it though. Even when I do things I know humans can't, I don't feel like I'm not. But I have. I did right after I was turned, when I wasn't doing everything I could to stay as human as I can.
I could feel it, if I let myself. [ It's something he's never let himself admit to anyone. Not at all but he suspect Chris needs to know there is a difference more than he needs to keep that secret. ] I have felt it and there's a reason I don't give myself time to stop and think. To feel.
I do know though. About the ship and all that happened. Nate and you both died, and it hit my household pretty hard but that is nothing compared to what you all went through from what I've heard.
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I'm not here to rehash what happened unless you need to know it, it doesn't matter exactly, you've got the parts that do.
What's this feeling? At least...if you can tell me, if you're willing to talk about it. I want to hear.
[He needs to hear...something. He's not sure what'll help at this point, but waiting for his head to sort itself isn't working and he knows his mood is effecting those around him. They don't need this from him and he's not sure he can manage it either.
But not at the expense of Kyle's state of being. Hurting his friend for his own sake isn't worth it.]
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[ People he and Nick love died. Again. He puts on a brave face and takes it all in stride, because he knows others need him to, but that doesn't change how sharply he feels these things. More than he admits to anyone. Nature of the beast. Literally. ]
I don't mind talking about it. I just... never have.
[ If he was honest, no one ever actually asked. Put what was done to him behind him. Forget it. Ignore what he'd been through because the one that did it didn't matter. But some parts of it did. At least to Kyle. ]
When I was first turned, which was two years ago this month actually, I didn't do any of the things I do now. I lived in what I had become. The moments when I woke up on the beach....
[ He pauses there, not thinking about that before now. About how he had died in the ocean just as Chris had. How he'd washed up on that beach, changed.]
I didn't feel human. I felt... feral. Everything was too sharp, too strong. Not just the physical things like the sun or how sounds were amplified but...
[ He's never talked about this and now he's not sure the words he had.
He can't ever forget it. Not anything and that moment is suddenly nearly as overwhelming as it was then and he tips back his glass downing it. ]
When I slow down now, I can feel it. Like what I am is too constrained in my skin. Like it's all too much for who I am and how... It's not who I am and everything I am at the same time.
[ He sighs, pouring himself another single. ]
I'm not sure I have the words to explain it... though I'd never thought about the parallels before. Or that it all happened in the same month.
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His eyes drift back up to Kyle and catch there. There's an intensity of thought and focus in his dark eyes that keeps Chris' attention. He has to force the shift in his mind to refocus on the signs and tells in the other man.
So many of his friends and loved ones called him 'kind' and 'sweet' and all manner of other gentle words that didn't feel like they fit. Not when he knows exactly how inclined to being selfish and inwardly focused he could be. He was doing it now all while Kyle searched himself for something Chris got the impression he hadn't worked to think on before. Out of pain? Negligence? He's not sure, but it's effort and exposing of a nerve that Chris is asking permission to press on.
He should try to be less of a prick.]
An odd coincidence to be sure. You think you felt an energy to you? You said like your skin couldn't -or shouldn't- contain you...maybe cause it was suddenly an ill fit? Yet the only one available.
And you still feel that way? Do you....do you think you feel wrong or just...different?
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He remembers those days when his life was hungers and desires and while he had his humanity, he didn't think about it. About anything but himself and what he wanted. He wasn't encouraged in that now, and so he remembered why that otherness that could be him could never truly be who he is.
But he knows it is what he is.
He shakes his head though. ]
Not wrong. Just different. Kind of like those comas where I wake up with memories of things I've never done, never had, and yet they're as much a part of me as everything else. Mine and not at the same time.
I guess energy is the best way to put it. If I let myself slow down, like meditation or something? If I do that and clear my thoughts of everything else I'm doing and thinking about all the time?
It's like if I'm touching a really mild voltage, I guess. There's something there. It's not quite comfortable, and it's kind of exciting, but I can't put my finger on any of it.
I'm not even sure how to explain it now.
[ He pauses and then puts things together, though maybe putting them together wrong. ]
How does it feel for you since you came back? What's different? [ Another pause, another drink. ] Have you had that happen before here? Dying?
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Again, he doesn't let himself dwell. What Kyle describes is fascinating...it makes him want to push the other man, to have him chase the feeling instead of shy from it and see where it took him. What if it helped him like how chasing his nature had helped Rhys? On the other hand, the natures in question were very different circumstances. What if it made things worse?]
I think you're doing a fine job describing it for something I can't possibly know myself.
[And then Kyle asks and he can feel his throat closing around the needed answer. This was foolish, he was human, he didn't feel not human he just felt...wrong. Bad.
Guilty.
Nothing he couldn't push back down and move on, that was something he was good at...usually.]
I feel fine. [He lies and looks away from Kyle to the bottle of booze so he can set to pouring himself more.] And I have died before, back home, but it was brief and got brought back by my bodyguard and best friend. All's right there.
[So, moving on.]
Have you tried pressing at this feeling of yours? Like with meditation? Focusing in on it as much as you can and the like.
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Things he hasn't let himself think about in nearly two years and now it's just there, right below the surface and he's not sure what to think about that sensation.
The words "I feel fine" have never meant anything but covering up the truth, and it's so carefully worded. Looking away didn't help that feeling Kyle has either. ]
Fine could mean a lot. You don't have to talk about it, Chris, but I'm here for you as well. Without judging. Without doing more than letting you talk it out. Just like you're giving me that chance now.
[ And it's why he wants to let him know how he feels, what he's thinking. So that he knows they're sharing this, and that he is willing to talk things out with Chris. ]
Not since I was with Elijah. Then I was entirely open about it all. I sunk into what I was and forgot about who I was. But if we're honest about this?
[ And he needs to be honest about it. For both of them. ]
I still don't know how much of it was what I am and what was what he wanted me to be.
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He came to Kyle because he was pulling in on himself, because he was retreating from those he cared for -Kyle included- and it had slapped his hand how he'd deserved. So he was trying. Because Nate said 'talk to someone' and Chris practically choked on the idea, but Kyle was patient and understanding.
And not the right person to talk to when Chris would sit there whining about feeling wrong or fake or dead and Kyle was an actual undead. It pours enough disgust into him, Chris' next drink is swallowed down and refilled before he can respond. It's so much easier to just focus on this, at least.]
Would you want to try again? Now that's just you? For your own purposes and desires. Could keep you company for it in case it's too much...but figure, if you're bound to this life forever, shouldn't you know the corners of it?
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All he knows is that he wants to be there for him if he can. They've been through so much together and that he even came to Kyle meant a lot to him.
He opens his mouth, not sure he's taken enough time to think about it before he says something else. ]
Is that really something you'd want to do? It would feel like asking a lot from you.
[ It was a double edged sword. Chris had seen the worst, had endured it, and could he ask him to risk seeing that again? To have to defend himself once more from Kyle? ]
The truth is, I haven't thought about it. Not since that period before Michael kicked my ass. Once I was back in my own mind and making my own choices? I've focused on the skills I needed to always keep my humanity intact. Honestly?
[ Maybe in saying this he's admitting more than he'd like... or even truly understands himself. ]
I haven't given myself much time for anything that isn't keeping my focus on my humanity. Including the time I spend with those I care about. It's been almost two years and while I embrace what I am in a lot of ways, it's not all that I am or could be. Because what if being all I am means being like him? Or worse, like I was.
Which is more than you should have to talk about if you don't want to. I do understand if you'd rather not.
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Kyle, you walked into a room thinking I was going to magically bind you to me for an unknown amount of time because you're afraid of what you can do.
No one should have that much fear in them or disregard for the sanctity of autonomy. If I can help ease your mind while you do what you can to find your limits? That's well worth it.
You won't be come him because you're watching for it. That'll never be your fate and, if something starts to get too much, we know how to stop it and we'll adjust from there. I only ask you don't do it alone, even if you choose someone other than me to help.
[He looks up at Kyle from where he's bent more forward, green eyes imploring.]
What you can't do is hide from yourself and sweep your needs under a rug out of fear or shame.
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[ His voice is soft then, earnest. He hates reminding Chris of that but its the truth as well. If anyone in this city knows why Kyle is afraid, its Chris. ]
I hate what I did to you and others. I hate that I let him ... No I let me become like that. I won't blame him for it.
[ Even if there was plenty of blame to be passed that way as well. ]
The truth? That I've never said to anyone? I don't know what autonomy is as a vampire. I came to bound and I've gone to great lengths to remain human but you're right. I don't know what its like.
[ He's so quiet, his voice soft, but he never looks away from Chris. ]
My needs are one thing I haven't shied from. I don't think. I mean, I think I'm one of the few vampires in this city who gets their blood directly rather than my blood bank for them.
[ But there's other things about himself, things that could well be needs, things he hasn't let himself think about. And it's truly out of fear of what he could be. ]
I won't be a monster, Chris. I can't let myself be. No matter what I am.
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Kyle Valenti, Enough of that. You take what happened, a slip of control due to circumstances well outside yourself, and you turn it into a stick to beat yourself with. I've forgiven you and I was the one you attacked, so work on forgiving yourself too cause you're doing no one favors for this self-flagellation.
You don't want to be a monster? Then don't be. Work on that, focus on that, the line between you and what you do or don't want to be, not mistakes of the past you'll never truly learn from if you don't accept.
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I hate that I let that be me, and I've not figured out how to let that go though I've moved past it.
I am working on it. It might not seem that way but I am.
[ And without locking away the bad he's down behind some red door in his mind where he can ignore the worst that's happened. ]
You asked though and I don't know what it's like to sink into being what I am because of the repercussions. It's more than just you and the others too. Things I did with him, that I embraced because I believed they were right and I know now were really just abuse under the guise of bloodlust.
That's why I worry. My only role model in all of this is my memories of a family of cursed children who believe themselves to be tantamount to gods. [ He nearly smiles, a crooked little thing. ] I'm already close enough to a god complex as a doctor.
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So you're pioneering this. That's why I suggest having someone with you to watch your back. I'd suggest taking on a mentor, but none of the other vampires here are like you, right? Not sure how much help that'd be.
I think you're scared of yourself and what you can do and while caution's appropriate, fear's only gonna hurt you in the long run.
[Something like doubt twists in him after a beat and he looks away as he moves to take a step back from the other man.]
Well, it's your call, that's just my take on it as your friend.
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There was one here once I wish had stayed. Rafa had kind of stepped in to help. I'm glad for the time we did have. Most of those here I wouldn't look to that way. I adore Diva as a friend and kind of a little sister, but we aren't even of the same mindset.
There's a couple though who have been doing this for a while and who I think I can look to and ask advice from. I don't think either is in a position to want to be a mentor though, but we'll see. Things could grow from a friendship.
[ Wolf and Grayson might help with that and he knows they might as well.
He steps in as Chris moves back, not wanting him to drift away like that. ]
You're right though. I should see. Just so that I know. Please, don't think I'm denying what you're saying, and I'm trying not to live in fear.
Chris, I always want to hear your opinion on things. Because you are my friend and I trust you. If you want to help, I would appreciate it. I know you won't let me hurt you.
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He steps in as Chris tries to move back and there's a flicker of surprise, but he doesn't move back again.]
I do want to help. Just don't want to seem I'm pushing you to something you don't truly want...and perhaps selfishly a bit fearful you'll resent the suggestion if it turns sour?
[He doesn't mean for it to sound like a question, to let his doubt slip in, but he covers it with a smile. Just a silly little thing and not a glimpse of insecurity in his own thought process that he hadn't meant to show.]
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[ Maybe he fears it's from concern, or that he thinks Kyle is ignoring his suggestion.
And he knows he's not, but he also knows he's skittish as hell about older vampires though he's trying to get over it. All because of the one that had nearly destroyed him in a lot of ways. ]
It doesn't feel like you're pushing me. You're not wrong in any of it, and it's something I've thought about. I just get nervous about someone in that position with me because of what happened before. But I have to try.
But no matter what happens if I try? That has nothing to do with you and me, okay? You're looking out for me and that matters a lot to me. It isn't as if I haven't thought about this as well. Just really cautious.
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You've right to be nervous...and if anyone you chose to approach does hurt you or try, you can tell me. I think I'm uniquely abilitied to help you tear them apart for it.
[Or potentially break a compulsion if he found another vampire who could do that to him...but he doesn't even want to put that into the air for possibility.]
You can certainly take care of yourself, but I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't perhaps a little protective of you.
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[ Which means that, perhaps, it wouldn't be intended to hurt him. He can help. ]
But if anyone becomes a threat, trust me. You're one of those I would turn to.
[ That makes him smile then. ]
I think I'm okay with you being protective of me. And one of these days? You'll come to me like this and I'll be able to help you as much as you seem to be able to help me nearly every time we talk.
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He keeps it to himself, Kyle should make that decision without unasked for outside input.
For now, he gives a slightly weaker smile, but tries to muster it for Kyle's benefit.]
I'm sure you will. [That was part of why he'd come here today, but...this wasn't something anyone could help with, he was starting to see that now. It wasn't fair to ask.]
Either way, I'm glad I can help you. Might as well offer what wisdom I've got. Between that and killer blowjobs, I've skill enough to handle most things.
[He's mostly joking. Those were probably his two most redeeming qualities. For now, he turns back to the bottle to pour himself just another swallow more.]
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Certainly Diva isn't one who could help him, friend that he is, but he's finding there's others he could truly turn to. Wolf and Grayson topping that list and he's actually kind of excited about the chance to get to know himself especially. ]
I think you have a lot to offer Chris, and I'm glad you're in this helping me with so much. It means a lot to me. Thank you.