[When Charles sees what feels like Kyle retreating from him in a certain way, it trips a bit of an underground nervous switch in the vampire. It may not be the best response, he doesn't know, but he steps closer and reaches to take both of Kyle's hands in his own.]
[ Had Charles drawn back, physically or mentally, Kyle probably would have let him and let it go. That he steps in instead, taking his hands, Kyle doesn't even think about his reaction as his fingers cling to Charles' ]
No. I... Everyone's busy. Here or back home. Life is crazy. I get that most don't have the time or emotional or mental capacity to worry about things with everyone and everything. I try and not make it harder on others.
[ He pauses, knowing he would normally stop there but he makes himself continue on. ]
I want someone to though. I'm always the one being strong, and I'm glad I can be there for others. I'm glad I'm the one they rely on. But it feels good to know there's someone I don't have to be that person with all the time.
[Charles' expression softens sympathetically as he listens, a distinct pain slipping through around the edges as Kyle opens up to him in this way. He's heard some variety of this fear so many times from other people in the city - but it tugs especially hard at him now, as it's coming from Kyle. Again, and in a way that sounds as genuinely vulnerable as this does. He understands the instinct behind what he's saying. The justification to withhold for the sake of others. Nobody wants to be a burden in a terrible place like this. Even admitting something like this has to be terribly uncomfortable for the man.
But it's not a burden for him to hear Kyle out through things like this. Far from it. He's committed to him, and part of that demands that he be here for him in this way. Whenever, and wherever, that may be needed. He takes for more than granted that he won't always be a perfect partner, but he knows, too, that he doesn't need to be. Kyle has already shown him that he doesn't want more from him than who he is.
That's a precious and loving kindness he wants to give the man in turn, if he can find a way to make it work, coming from him.]
You aren't a burden or something in my way, Kyle. [He gives the other man's hands a pulse, and then lets go briefly to shift his grip to the other man's waist, instead.] Something is always going on in this place, and even when it is, I do want to be here for you as I can. Every part of you is worth my attention.
I do know it's... difficult, [his gaze tracks away from Kyle's face briefly] to show this kind of vulnerability to people. You know I'm not a stranger to that either. [He looks up again, smiling self-effacing.] But I take what you're saying seriously; And I intend to follow through.
[Not sweepingly romantic or expressive, perhaps, but he means every word with utmost sincerity.]
[ Since Kyle had left Roswell as a teenager heading off for better things, he had become someone that did his best to offer kindness, empathy and help to people. Wanting to be a good man who didn't fear or anything else stop him from who he could be.
And somewhere along the way he had given up his ability to ask for help. Not wanting to be a problem for others while they were dealing with so much.
Yet with Charles he finally feels a place where he doesn't have to hold back, that he can put forward the worries he has as well as the fears. He can be open and doesn't have to hide any of those things.
It's a sensation that leaves his chest tight and his eyes prickling as he uses that hold to draw Charles a bit closer. ]
I want to do better with you. About being open and trusting myself with letting things out. Because I don't have any doubt that you are there for me, or that you would turn away from the worst or see me differently.
You make me feel safe, Charles, in ways I haven't ever. I feel freer to show all sides of myself with you than I have with anyone.
[ He loves so deeply but he's not always let himself bother others with himself. Yet here is this amazing man, who has been through so much, and he makes Kyle feel stronger for what he's been through... and to face what he's ignored for his own sake. Because he cares. ]
[More than anything else, Charles is glad (relieved, really) to hear Kyle tell him he feels safe with him. That part of what the man's saying, he believes wholly. It's what he's hoping for in this conversation, and what he hopes they can share between one another. The city is a threat, and not simply a physical one, and how do they survive the things it does without the safety of this kind of caring and support to fall back on when necessary? He's grown enough to depend on people like Kyle, Elle, and occasionally even Amelia, to know that much is true.
But there is an additional nagging feeling in the back of his mind. That some of what he's hearing isn't wholly genuine. He doesn't know. But it sounds to him to be crafted into something the man may think he wants to hear. When it arises, Charles excuses the thought and brushes it aside. If Kyle isn't being wholly truthful with him, it wouldn't be intentional on his part - he assumes it would be because the man doesn't have practice with this kind of vulnerability, and may be aiming to please.
He's not going to fault Kyle for that when, as he's still learning himself, vulnerability one isn't used to giving requires time, practice, and wrangling with difficult feelings that arise. It's not easy, or comfortable. Extending patience and space for those needs feels the least he can do for this incredible man.]
You already are. [Doing better.] But I don't think either of us needs to go at a pace that's too much, either. I will push you [because the man has now affirmed that it's what he wants from him, and Charles does think it's for the best for Kyle, for himself, and for their relationship] but I also need you to tell me if it becomes too much.
I think that's part of how you can stay feeling safe with me-- and how I've felt safe with you. [It reminds him, immediately, of how Kyle had asked him what he wanted the first time they spoke about their feelings for each other. When he'd started, he hadn't realized that he wasn't being transparent, because he feared asking for more than he felt he deserved at the time. That nudge had helped him, and ... here they are now.
Pushing each other to communicate: It's one of the ways he imagines this working for the best between them.]
[ It's an odd realization to think that most in a man's life hadn't pushed to see beyond the surface. He had always been there for others. He was the one called in the middle of the night for anything and everything. He was the one that was a steady rock, the responsible one to do it all, but never the one that anyone questioned how steady he would always be.
No one has ever spoken of ensuring he doesn't just put on a face and keep going. Or even seemed to notice too deeply that he did. Only one other did on any level and that's hard for him to face now as well, but it also means the world to him. ]
I will do my best, Charles. I'm not good at it and I know why isn't great, but I can make an effort to be better about it. Because I do feel like... like you're the first person who's wanted me to be open about things. So how can I not try and give you that?
[ It feels like a melancholy admission, but at the same time it feels so important to him, because Charles isn't willing to just accept the smile and the acceptable mask. ]
[It's confusing to Charles, and surprising, to hear that other people apparently haven't tried to delve deeper with this man. He understands it on one level: he knows people can have a habit of accepting what others show them. Continuously showing strength and a desire to be the one helping, rather than being helped, can make some assume a person doesn't need help, or that they may not respond well if they try to. It's the apparent truth of some people not wanting or trying to go deeper with this man, when he feels worthy of it, that doesn't make sense to him.
It's the heart of his feelings for Kyle asking the question, but who wouldn't want to try building something more with this man?]
I don't feel you should do it for me, if that's part of your motivation. [He's not sure there, and he doesn't know if Kyle may be, either.] I understand that may sound counter-intuitive, when it's what I've been pushing you for tonight. I do want it, because I want to know you, but I don't require it to still want to know you, or to be happy in our relationship.
Does what I'm trying to say make sense? [He hopes he's being clear, but this is a complicated issue, and it's difficult for him to tell. He doesn't want to push this man to expose himself to him because it's wanted. There's a level of safety and defensiveness there that he feels sustains a habit of being for other people, rather than Kyle's own self.] You can tell me no, and in that case, I'll try again.
[ The smile Kyle offers Charles is soft and full of affection, even as he nods at that question.
Because he does understand where Charles is coming from. More than that, he appreciates it. He's been in a position of having no free will, even if he hadn't been aware. He knew what it was like to feel he had no choice, and he cherishes knowing that now he has.
And he cherishes knowing that Charles wants to know more without worrying if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to. Whatever it may be if and when the time comes. ]
You're making perfect sense. You don't want me to feel I have to share things, but you're here for me if I want to. I've known others will listen if I wanted to, I just...
[ He pauses, considering his words and how to make sense himself. ]
Knowing others will listen isn't the same as them vocalizing that they actively want to hear things from you. [ He offers a tender look then. ] If I'm the one making sense now.
[He's been heard and understood - something he was hoping for, but not expecting - and it brings a warm smile to the vampire's face on turn.]
You are. [He's thought his interest in hearing Kyle's thoughts and feelings could be read through his actions, but as often seems to be the case with everyone he knows lately, it's sounding like more effort is needed on his part.
It feels reasonable. People won't know what he's thinking and intending, unless he tells them. He gives himself that reminder again, now.]
I do want that. You know it, but you are more to me than my administrator, a person who has helped me, or a boyfriend. You're also a friend, as tame as that may sound. [It's the truth.] I do want to hear the things you think about, and what you want to tell me.
[If some of this is about feeling wanted, is there some better way for him to show that beyond the things he feels he does now? The how there doesn't feel clear now, and Kyle isn't asking for it directly, but it's something he resolves himself to considering further.]
I know you care about me and you are closer to me than nearly anyone that's here or ever been here.
[ He doesn't even feel he's exaggerating though he knows the other might think he is. Michael and Tim have been close to him, but the only ones in those years that he's felt he could be open with and share anything with of his own free will.
He couldn't name anyone back in Roswell he could say that about. Not anymore. ]
It's just been something I don't think about. I just kind of talk of others, and what's going on but not myself as maybe I should.
[ He offers a small smile though, light and teasing. ]
Though you may come to regret opening those gates.
[That earns an amused smile. Charles is grateful for the levity. Not as someone who appreciates levity (he doesn't, usually, when it often feels to him like a deflection, or distraction from deeper or important matters) but in this case, it's characteristic of the other man. It's a comfortable prod at a return to well-tread common ground between them, and that's what he takes it as.]
Are there deep, dark secrets I ought to prepare myself for? [It's meant to be a joke, but coming from him, no doubt could sound like a serious question.]
[ It could be horrible, especially in this place, but Kyle laughs despite how bad it could be. If only because of what they've talked about already in the secrets he's had, and all he's been through. ]
Think less dark secrets and more bad day needing to vent and declarations of love. I can be very schmoopy when I don't hold back.
[ As if he hasn't been already, but it's a nice way to turn a talk about death and dying. ]
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Do you not want people to?
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No. I... Everyone's busy. Here or back home. Life is crazy. I get that most don't have the time or emotional or mental capacity to worry about things with everyone and everything. I try and not make it harder on others.
[ He pauses, knowing he would normally stop there but he makes himself continue on. ]
I want someone to though. I'm always the one being strong, and I'm glad I can be there for others. I'm glad I'm the one they rely on. But it feels good to know there's someone I don't have to be that person with all the time.
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But it's not a burden for him to hear Kyle out through things like this. Far from it. He's committed to him, and part of that demands that he be here for him in this way. Whenever, and wherever, that may be needed. He takes for more than granted that he won't always be a perfect partner, but he knows, too, that he doesn't need to be. Kyle has already shown him that he doesn't want more from him than who he is.
That's a precious and loving kindness he wants to give the man in turn, if he can find a way to make it work, coming from him.]
You aren't a burden or something in my way, Kyle. [He gives the other man's hands a pulse, and then lets go briefly to shift his grip to the other man's waist, instead.] Something is always going on in this place, and even when it is, I do want to be here for you as I can. Every part of you is worth my attention.
I do know it's... difficult, [his gaze tracks away from Kyle's face briefly] to show this kind of vulnerability to people. You know I'm not a stranger to that either. [He looks up again, smiling self-effacing.] But I take what you're saying seriously; And I intend to follow through.
[Not sweepingly romantic or expressive, perhaps, but he means every word with utmost sincerity.]
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And somewhere along the way he had given up his ability to ask for help. Not wanting to be a problem for others while they were dealing with so much.
Yet with Charles he finally feels a place where he doesn't have to hold back, that he can put forward the worries he has as well as the fears. He can be open and doesn't have to hide any of those things.
It's a sensation that leaves his chest tight and his eyes prickling as he uses that hold to draw Charles a bit closer. ]
I want to do better with you. About being open and trusting myself with letting things out. Because I don't have any doubt that you are there for me, or that you would turn away from the worst or see me differently.
You make me feel safe, Charles, in ways I haven't ever. I feel freer to show all sides of myself with you than I have with anyone.
[ He loves so deeply but he's not always let himself bother others with himself. Yet here is this amazing man, who has been through so much, and he makes Kyle feel stronger for what he's been through... and to face what he's ignored for his own sake. Because he cares. ]
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But there is an additional nagging feeling in the back of his mind. That some of what he's hearing isn't wholly genuine. He doesn't know. But it sounds to him to be crafted into something the man may think he wants to hear. When it arises, Charles excuses the thought and brushes it aside. If Kyle isn't being wholly truthful with him, it wouldn't be intentional on his part - he assumes it would be because the man doesn't have practice with this kind of vulnerability, and may be aiming to please.
He's not going to fault Kyle for that when, as he's still learning himself, vulnerability one isn't used to giving requires time, practice, and wrangling with difficult feelings that arise. It's not easy, or comfortable. Extending patience and space for those needs feels the least he can do for this incredible man.]
You already are. [Doing better.] But I don't think either of us needs to go at a pace that's too much, either. I will push you [because the man has now affirmed that it's what he wants from him, and Charles does think it's for the best for Kyle, for himself, and for their relationship] but I also need you to tell me if it becomes too much.
I think that's part of how you can stay feeling safe with me-- and how I've felt safe with you. [It reminds him, immediately, of how Kyle had asked him what he wanted the first time they spoke about their feelings for each other. When he'd started, he hadn't realized that he wasn't being transparent, because he feared asking for more than he felt he deserved at the time. That nudge had helped him, and ... here they are now.
Pushing each other to communicate: It's one of the ways he imagines this working for the best between them.]
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No one has ever spoken of ensuring he doesn't just put on a face and keep going. Or even seemed to notice too deeply that he did. Only one other did on any level and that's hard for him to face now as well, but it also means the world to him. ]
I will do my best, Charles. I'm not good at it and I know why isn't great, but I can make an effort to be better about it. Because I do feel like... like you're the first person who's wanted me to be open about things. So how can I not try and give you that?
[ It feels like a melancholy admission, but at the same time it feels so important to him, because Charles isn't willing to just accept the smile and the acceptable mask. ]
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It's the heart of his feelings for Kyle asking the question, but who wouldn't want to try building something more with this man?]
I don't feel you should do it for me, if that's part of your motivation. [He's not sure there, and he doesn't know if Kyle may be, either.] I understand that may sound counter-intuitive, when it's what I've been pushing you for tonight. I do want it, because I want to know you, but I don't require it to still want to know you, or to be happy in our relationship.
Does what I'm trying to say make sense? [He hopes he's being clear, but this is a complicated issue, and it's difficult for him to tell. He doesn't want to push this man to expose himself to him because it's wanted. There's a level of safety and defensiveness there that he feels sustains a habit of being for other people, rather than Kyle's own self.] You can tell me no, and in that case, I'll try again.
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Because he does understand where Charles is coming from. More than that, he appreciates it. He's been in a position of having no free will, even if he hadn't been aware. He knew what it was like to feel he had no choice, and he cherishes knowing that now he has.
And he cherishes knowing that Charles wants to know more without worrying if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to. Whatever it may be if and when the time comes. ]
You're making perfect sense. You don't want me to feel I have to share things, but you're here for me if I want to. I've known others will listen if I wanted to, I just...
[ He pauses, considering his words and how to make sense himself. ]
Knowing others will listen isn't the same as them vocalizing that they actively want to hear things from you. [ He offers a tender look then. ] If I'm the one making sense now.
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You are. [He's thought his interest in hearing Kyle's thoughts and feelings could be read through his actions, but as often seems to be the case with everyone he knows lately, it's sounding like more effort is needed on his part.
It feels reasonable. People won't know what he's thinking and intending, unless he tells them. He gives himself that reminder again, now.]
I do want that. You know it, but you are more to me than my administrator, a person who has helped me, or a boyfriend. You're also a friend, as tame as that may sound. [It's the truth.] I do want to hear the things you think about, and what you want to tell me.
[If some of this is about feeling wanted, is there some better way for him to show that beyond the things he feels he does now? The how there doesn't feel clear now, and Kyle isn't asking for it directly, but it's something he resolves himself to considering further.]
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[ He doesn't even feel he's exaggerating though he knows the other might think he is. Michael and Tim have been close to him, but the only ones in those years that he's felt he could be open with and share anything with of his own free will.
He couldn't name anyone back in Roswell he could say that about. Not anymore. ]
It's just been something I don't think about. I just kind of talk of others, and what's going on but not myself as maybe I should.
[ He offers a small smile though, light and teasing. ]
Though you may come to regret opening those gates.
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Are there deep, dark secrets I ought to prepare myself for? [It's meant to be a joke, but coming from him, no doubt could sound like a serious question.]
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Think less dark secrets and more bad day needing to vent and declarations of love. I can be very schmoopy when I don't hold back.
[ As if he hasn't been already, but it's a nice way to turn a talk about death and dying. ]
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