Bass, he's likely going to want to. It's been 2 years. Things happen and I'm sure he'll be here for you. I'm hoping that between healers and things they have here you might not have access to back home that we can make it work out in a time that won't keep you away too long.
I've never done that. Ever. I don't know what all I can do with it. I'll try and find out though, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable using that. After the sire bond and being controlled, I just don't know if I can. Or how.
I will. I'll let him know and we'll get you some clothes and, you're right about the razor, but there are electric ones about and with Alex there or me we can help.
You're welcome, Bass. I'm glad we can get this worked out for you. For both of you.
Yeah, you're probably right. It's just not been my experience in life. Better to be prepared for the worst. Then you don't get blindsided when it happens.
Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.
Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.
Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.
Preparing for the worst means all you focus on is the bad. That isn't healthy for anyone, especially so for someone with mental health issues. You need to start finding positive things to focus on.
I don't want you to hurt anyone, especially yourself, but I've been controlled by another. Looking back on it, it's a horrific feeling. I have no idea what things I did because I wanted to or what I did because he wanted me to. It's terrifying, Bass. Even now.
If it helps with your mental health, we'll find a way to help you with it. That's all part of getting to a healthier place.
I'm contacting a new doctor who may be able to help you. I've got hope in this.
Funnily enough, I do know that, but it's kinda in my actual diagnosis to not be able to do so easily. My doc and I were working on it, with limited success.
I can see how it would be. [Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]
Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.
Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?
Mental health is not my specialty and I'm speaking less as a doctor and more as Alex's friend. I want to see things go well for him.
Thank you for understanding. There's many things I'm capable of that I'm not comfortable with sharing for the safety of others.
[ Like using his blood to heal people. He can't risk them being turned. ]
I've contacted Henry Foster and I hope he'll be in contact with you to try and help with this and seeing if he can figure out ways to help.
I will say it's not about not being honest, it's about realizing the things you can say that are more hurtful than not saying them. If you know you shouldn't say them. Don't make him face things like you ripping your heart out as if that's a show of love. Work with him not against him.
What are you open with me speaking to him about. Right now I can try and reassure him but without your permission, I can't talk about nearly any of this talk. What would you rather I didn't talk to him about?
So do I. All I want is for him to be happy, whatever that takes or looks like. But he's already beating himself up over this.
I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.
You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.
You're going to have to learn, Bass. If you want to make things work all the way around, you're going to have to learn. Even if you think it's not in your nature.
This falls under doctor patient. You started this coming to me as a doctor and it stays that way. I only asked about talking to him to try and pass on things and see what I might be able to help with. If you had said nothing could go beyond this, I would respect that.
I think he might have some good answers, and I'm really hoping it can help you both in the long run. Neither of you should have to live worrying or in fear.
Yes, learning is sort of the point of therapy--I'm not trying to say that I am helpless and can't learn new skills, just commenting it's currently not in my skillset and I might falter along the way of learning how to do things I've never managed before. I've learned a lot in the last couple of years, but navigating these waters wasn't something we covered. Hopefully this Mr. Foster is a good teacher. I'm more than willing to do whatever work needs doing. I just need a guide to show me the way.
Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.
I'm not trying to sound insulting or defeatist. I'm seeing a therapist myself to get past some things that have happened. Here and back home. I just want things to be better for you, Bass. I worry about you and don't want to see you getting hurt. Alex told me about the incident with the gang.
So I'm really hoping this helps and you can find yourself in a better place.
Maybe it's good they know though. So you know there's people here for you.
Sorry - I didn't think you were. I'm just kinda used to people questioning my commitment to being a better person. Or if I'm worth trying to help. Thank you. The gang didn't have anything to do with this. They blindsided me, but I fought them off. I survived. Two of them didn't.
Thanks, me too.
Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.
I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.
I'm sure it does. But there's one thing I'm going to say and you can not like me for it but I feel it needs to be said. As a friend. As his friend.
No matter how many people have hurt you, expecting him to hurt you no matter what he's said and done is calling him a liar. It's saying no matter how hard he works, he will always be circumspect in your mind because of the actions of others. He's losing before he can even try. And that's not fair to either of you.
Why would I dislike you for looking out for him and being a good friend? I know you're right and that was one of the first things the Doc and I worked on. I still struggle sometimes, what with the disorder-born paranoia, but I know he's not them, and I trust him more than I ever thought I would trust again. But letting *other* people see me vulnerable and not expecting them to take advantage, trusting people who say they want to be there for me? That's a different story to make myself believe. I know Alex cares and wants what's best for me. I don't feel certain about that...larger support network. But I would rather you all be there for him, anyway.
Because you do have mental health issues and you are looking for help for them. But in the end, no one deserves to live constantly worrying they're being judged for things they never did. To be punished for the actions of another.
I'm glad you have that trust in him.
That larger support network is only there because we care about him. We all make mistakes. I know that better than anyone. Just know that we're not here to judge you, Bass. We're just here to care about him.
I'm never going to complain about you all supporting and caring about him--or about me for his sake. I'm glad he has you. I appreciate the lack of judgment and that you believe I'm genuinely trying to work on my issues and be better.
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I've never done that. Ever. I don't know what all I can do with it. I'll try and find out though, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable using that. After the sire bond and being controlled, I just don't know if I can. Or how.
I will. I'll let him know and we'll get you some clothes and, you're right about the razor, but there are electric ones about and with Alex there or me we can help.
You're welcome, Bass. I'm glad we can get this worked out for you. For both of you.
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Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.
Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.
Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.
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I don't want you to hurt anyone, especially yourself, but I've been controlled by another. Looking back on it, it's a horrific feeling. I have no idea what things I did because I wanted to or what I did because he wanted me to. It's terrifying, Bass. Even now.
If it helps with your mental health, we'll find a way to help you with it. That's all part of getting to a healthier place.
I'm contacting a new doctor who may be able to help you. I've got hope in this.
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I can see how it would be. [Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]
Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.
Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?
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Thank you for understanding. There's many things I'm capable of that I'm not comfortable with sharing for the safety of others.
[ Like using his blood to heal people. He can't risk them being turned. ]
I've contacted Henry Foster and I hope he'll be in contact with you to try and help with this and seeing if he can figure out ways to help.
I will say it's not about not being honest, it's about realizing the things you can say that are more hurtful than not saying them. If you know you shouldn't say them. Don't make him face things like you ripping your heart out as if that's a show of love. Work with him not against him.
What are you open with me speaking to him about. Right now I can try and reassure him but without your permission, I can't talk about nearly any of this talk. What would you rather I didn't talk to him about?
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I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.
You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.
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This falls under doctor patient. You started this coming to me as a doctor and it stays that way. I only asked about talking to him to try and pass on things and see what I might be able to help with. If you had said nothing could go beyond this, I would respect that.
I think he might have some good answers, and I'm really hoping it can help you both in the long run. Neither of you should have to live worrying or in fear.
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Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.
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So I'm really hoping this helps and you can find yourself in a better place.
Maybe it's good they know though. So you know there's people here for you.
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Thanks, me too.
Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.
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Life changes though. Look around here we are. You have to embrace those changes. If not for your sake, for his.
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I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.
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I'm sure it does. But there's one thing I'm going to say and you can not like me for it but I feel it needs to be said. As a friend. As his friend.
No matter how many people have hurt you, expecting him to hurt you no matter what he's said and done is calling him a liar. It's saying no matter how hard he works, he will always be circumspect in your mind because of the actions of others. He's losing before he can even try. And that's not fair to either of you.
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I'm glad you have that trust in him.
That larger support network is only there because we care about him. We all make mistakes. I know that better than anyone. Just know that we're not here to judge you, Bass. We're just here to care about him.
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