drmcsexy: (And I'll turn right back around)
ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ ᴋʏʟᴇ ᴠᴀʟᴇɴᴛɪ ([personal profile] drmcsexy) wrote2029-04-18 12:57 pm

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everything4him: (Now we both know that's not true)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-05-26 01:08 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, you're probably right. It's just not been my experience in life. Better to be prepared for the worst. Then you don't get blindsided when it happens.

Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.

Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.

Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.
everything4him: ([Jeremy] ...R u doubting me?)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-05-26 08:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Funnily enough, I do know that, but it's kinda in my actual diagnosis to not be able to do so easily. My doc and I were working on it, with limited success.

I can see how it would be.
[Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]

Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.

Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?
everything4him: (Considering shit)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-05-27 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
So do I. All I want is for him to be happy, whatever that takes or looks like. But he's already beating himself up over this.

I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.

You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.
everything4him: (this nonsense is giving me a headache)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-05-29 08:07 pm (UTC)(link)
Yes, learning is sort of the point of therapy--I'm not trying to say that I am helpless and can't learn new skills, just commenting it's currently not in my skillset and I might falter along the way of learning how to do things I've never managed before. I've learned a lot in the last couple of years, but navigating these waters wasn't something we covered. Hopefully this Mr. Foster is a good teacher. I'm more than willing to do whatever work needs doing. I just need a guide to show me the way.

Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.
everything4him: (this nonsense is giving me a headache)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-05-30 11:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry - I didn't think you were. I'm just kinda used to people questioning my commitment to being a better person. Or if I'm worth trying to help. Thank you. The gang didn't have anything to do with this. They blindsided me, but I fought them off. I survived. Two of them didn't.

Thanks, me too.

Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.
everything4him: (Default)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-06-01 03:06 am (UTC)(link)
I'm going to keep giving it everything I have.

I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.
everything4him: (You are SO naive)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-06-02 03:50 am (UTC)(link)
Why would I dislike you for looking out for him and being a good friend? I know you're right and that was one of the first things the Doc and I worked on. I still struggle sometimes, what with the disorder-born paranoia, but I know he's not them, and I trust him more than I ever thought I would trust again. But letting *other* people see me vulnerable and not expecting them to take advantage, trusting people who say they want to be there for me? That's a different story to make myself believe. I know Alex cares and wants what's best for me. I don't feel certain about that...larger support network. But I would rather you all be there for him, anyway.
everything4him: (Default)

[personal profile] everything4him 2021-06-03 04:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm never going to complain about you all supporting and caring about him--or about me for his sake. I'm glad he has you. I appreciate the lack of judgment and that you believe I'm genuinely trying to work on my issues and be better.