I don't know how you went from my tongue down your throat to quirky sidekick, but you're wrong.
Maybe you can't blame him, but should he really blame you for your feelings? We can't help who we fall for. Or who we have complicated feelings for.
[ Did he say something? Of course not. Moving on. ]
I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you're talking about Nick. My odds are 50/50 with the men I know you know who you could be talking about and Guerin would tell you to back off to your face.
I just don't want to make things even weirder than they already are. Which I always seem to manage. You finding out I wanted to kiss you was not on my list of things to do to get back to the way they were before.
[ And damn. ]
Now you see why I wanted to talk to someone off the public network.
Look, I saw for myself how much he gave a damn about you when the video came out. When I came over to see how you were doing, he put himself at the door to block the way. It was only when I proved I knew you that he let me in.
Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't YOUR feelings he was running from?
[ And the text ends there and his fingers are forced to type another word. Because even if he's admitted his feelings about Guerin, weren't there times in this city when he'd wondered about Kyle? Dismissed, sure, but wondered. After they'd had sex until they stopped talking. Now again over the last few weeks.
But Kyle's treating it like it was no big deal and just a thing that happened, so he's not going to draw any more attention to it, especially since they're talking about Kyle's issues and not Alex's. ]
don't want to admit I had have feelings for anyone but Bass, either. Didn't want to admit I had feelings for HIM for the longest time. And I really know what it's like when it comes to running from those feelings.
Look, I don't pry too hard into Guerin's love life, but I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping with Nick. I'm willing to bet that you are. Or at least were. So I call bullshit on him caring about you like he does Guerin.
Feelings are hard. I spent nearly two-thirds of my life running from them.
You didn't what? Come on. Not now. Talk to me. I don't want us to have to hide things. I don't want to make you feel that way.
[ Because he needs it. He really does. He needs to know where he fits into things, how things are because so much of it is hard for him to not feel like he's out of step, in the way, and he needs to know. ]
You know the funny thing is? I don't know if they are or not. One thing I've learned here is that it doesn't matter to me who else those I care about sleep with. It's about if they're being treated right or not.
But just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them. Or these kind of feelings.
I'm not trying to argue with you. I just don't want to assume, because it already hurts so much.
[ He hadn't thought that texting Kyle when he couldn't lie - was forced, even, to tell the truth - would be that much of a problem. Or maybe he'd done it knowing subconsciously the kind of thing that might come out. Now that he'd admitted to himself and to Bass, even, his feelings for Guerin, maybe it was that much easier to admit that there might be something here, too. ]
Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
[ Despite their teasing and flirting, Kyle has never truly thought about Alex having any kind of feelings for him beyond friendship. A lot of that comes from feeling certain that Alex will never believe in him or trust him again. Not like maybe he once had.
So for Alex to make that admission stops Kyle for a moment. But he gathers himself before typing back. ]
That's only a problem if you would rather not have those feelings. Not that anyone would blame you if you didn't want to feel that way.
Thank you though. I'm trying not to. Maybe he'll change his mind but we'll see. It's just painful even if I know I don't always deserve the happiness I want.
After everything that I've been going through the last month or two, I think it'd be unfair to make anyone else go through that, too.
I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
Everything like what, Alex? We've all been through shit, and we're all still doing our best to be here for one another. Just because you've had a rough time doesn't mean that others who care about you aren't going to be there for you.
It's not even high school that haunts me sometimes. It's things after that. I don't think I don't deserve to be happy though. I just want to be a better person.
Thank you though. I'm trying to work on that. To let go what happened and not let it have anything to do with my life anymore.
There's a difference between being there for me and being in it with me. Like Guerin is. I think it's unfair for him to be in it and dealing with it, but he's stubborn like that.
I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
I'm not sure I could say I know the difference or ever acted on it, but then I'm the guy that apparently was willing to give up my place at the hospital for the sake of Liz's love for another.
A combination of having had our time and neither of us looking to repeat that, and a lot of the time she was here I was being monogamous to the point of hiding away.
[ It didn't matter that he'd always love her, it just wouldn't have been right. ]
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Haven't had a lot of chances. I'm trying. I stepped over a line. I can't blame him for it.
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Maybe you can't blame him, but should he really blame you for your feelings? We can't help who we fall for. Or who we have complicated feelings for.
[ Did he say something? Of course not. Moving on. ]
I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you're talking about Nick. My odds are 50/50 with the men I know you know who you could be talking about and Guerin would tell you to back off to your face.
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No, but we can control what we do about it. Telling him how I feel not isn't going to fix things. I can only see it making things worse.
Besides, for all I know he's already contracted with someone else.
Yeah, that's who it is. It wasn't meant to be something. I knew that going into the contract. I'll get past it. I've proven good at that.
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[ And damn. ]
Now you see why I wanted to talk to someone off the public network.
Look, I saw for myself how much he gave a damn about you when the video came out. When I came over to see how you were doing, he put himself at the door to block the way. It was only when I proved I knew you that he let me in.
Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't YOUR feelings he was running from?
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All we can do, Manes, is just see how things go and be honest as we can be. This place screws with people. We know that now.
He made it clear he didn't love. He cares about me, just like he does Michael. And Cullen. Okay maybe more than Cullen.
I don't know, maybe, but it doesn't change things. He doesn't want those feelings.
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[ And the text ends there and his fingers are forced to type another word. Because even if he's admitted his feelings about Guerin, weren't there times in this city when he'd wondered about Kyle? Dismissed, sure, but wondered. After they'd had sex until they stopped talking. Now again over the last few weeks.
But Kyle's treating it like it was no big deal and just a thing that happened, so he's not going to draw any more attention to it, especially since they're talking about Kyle's issues and not Alex's. ]
don't want to admit I had have feelings for anyone but Bass, either. Didn't want to admit I had feelings for HIM for the longest time. And I really know what it's like when it comes to running from those feelings.
Look, I don't pry too hard into Guerin's love life, but I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping with Nick. I'm willing to bet that you are. Or at least were. So I call bullshit on him caring about you like he does Guerin.
Feelings are hard. I spent nearly two-thirds of my life running from them.
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[ Because he needs it. He really does. He needs to know where he fits into things, how things are because so much of it is hard for him to not feel like he's out of step, in the way, and he needs to know. ]
You know the funny thing is? I don't know if they are or not. One thing I've learned here is that it doesn't matter to me who else those I care about sleep with. It's about if they're being treated right or not.
But just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them. Or these kind of feelings.
I'm not trying to argue with you. I just don't want to assume, because it already hurts so much.
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Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
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So for Alex to make that admission stops Kyle for a moment. But he gathers himself before typing back. ]
That's only a problem if you would rather not have those feelings. Not that anyone would blame you if you didn't want to feel that way.
Thank you though. I'm trying not to. Maybe he'll change his mind but we'll see. It's just painful even if I know I don't always deserve the happiness I want.
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I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
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It's not even high school that haunts me sometimes. It's things after that. I don't think I don't deserve to be happy though. I just want to be a better person.
Thank you though. I'm trying to work on that. To let go what happened and not let it have anything to do with my life anymore.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
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I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
You do deserve it, Kyle. Of course you do.
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I try and convince myself of that but thank you.
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[ It didn't matter that he'd always love her, it just wouldn't have been right. ]
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