dont freak out this isnt a break up text or a nick's about to do something dumb text or any of those sorts of things but like i need 2 talk to u abt something and im messaging now so that we actually talk about it when ur home and i dont just like continue to not do that is that ok
sorry i'm trying to be chill but im not doing a very good job of it i'm actually going to be home v shortly are u free its ok if ur not right this second i know work is probably stupid busy right now
you can be a little bit cheesy i'll allow it ok i am like technically already here im just procrastinating
but i want to like say if ur confused or u dont understand or like whatever u feel about stuff i want to actually talk about it and if u have questions i'll answer them like be honest dont just be like 'if thats what u think u want' ok? full amnesty u can say whatever u want just dont like yell
I'll do my best to not just say if that's what you want and be honest about how I feel.
[ Even if the more this goes, the more it's worrying him just what it is that Nick wants to talk to him about. He just has no idea what's going on and Nick's worry is beginning to worry him. ]
( when nick walks into kyle's room, he sounds a little like he's striking up the conversation midway through a discussion, the pre-rehearsal he's been chewing over doing nothing to soothe nick's frayed nerves. )
It's really not that bad, or like. I don't know, it just seems like something I should talk to you about.
( he frowns, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he looks at kyle, but he crosses the room and sits on the bed without hesitating. slightly mixed signals, probably, but it doesn't last for long at least. he huffs, but keeps talking, holding a hand out for kyle to take. )
Well if I'm being honest, it feels that bad right now so...
[ Normally he would have hidden it, fought to keep his emotions down and to not let it show how nervous he is. They've come through so much, he sees no reason to hide it from Nick.
He moves to take Nick's hand though, settling on the bed so he's facing him. He shakes his head. ]
Nope. You asked me not to and I never did. Ragnor and I talked about it though.
Right, so you know...enough. Not who was involved.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick very much doesn't talk about that whole incident, even by nick's standards of avoidance. he does a lot to avoid talking about pretty much that entire period, the whole stressful month from the realignment cell through to kyle's release from prison.
but he was serious about wanting to be better, and if the blowout with ragnor was anything to go by then there's nothing to be gained by keeping things to himself. actually it just tends to blow up in his face. )
I don't— it's not like— the person who's punishment it was, we...kept seeing each other. After the video. I didn't really tell anyone 'cause I thought they would freak out.
Right. I was told that no one had any free will in it. You and another had been volunteered and the person actually being punished was being drugged.
[ He tries to keep his hand firm but tender against Nick's but he can't hide how he tenses thinking about it. He can't help himself. He came out of an abusive relationship months ago and it still hurts him and he blames himself for it, so maybe it's like that. ]
Can I ask why? Was it what you wanted? Was it... I don't know. Punishing yourself going through it again?
[ He remembers Nick locking himself in his room after it, and he can't help but wonder if that's what it's about. ]
( he tugs kyle's hand closer to him, so that he can quickly duck a kiss against his knuckles, but even when nick is done with all that he keeps kyle's hand close, squeezing his fingers lightly. )
I don't know. Maybe a little at first, but it was more like— he already knew exactly what that was like, so it was just...easy.
( he's not defensive, but nick can feel the knee jerk instinct to argue, to defend himself. communication has never been nick's strong point, but he made a point to tell kyle to ask questions and be honest. he drags his thumbs over kyle's knuckles, looks at their joined hands, actually takes half a second to think before he speaks.
none of it comes naturally to nick, who would have hightailed it long before this conversation only a few weeks ago, but he's trying. )
I don't like, expect us to keep each other up to date on everyone we're hooking up with or anything stupid like that. You know? This is like— he's...important to me now, does that make sense? But I don't want me and you to blow up in my face because I kept it from you.
[ There's something about that physical touch that eases some of the ache in Kyle's shoulder. Something about the fact that Nick is touching him, offering soft soothing touches, that is helping.
Even as he's trying not to panic if only because his mind runs through the worst case scenario and all of them that he can think about are awful and all end with Nick leaving again.
He hates it's where his mind goes, but he can't help that when it's been his most recent heartache.
He looks at their hands, afraid to raise his gaze and give Nick the wrong kind of look. ]
I know we never talked about this part of things. About who we're with or others. I guess I just kind of hoped it would just all work itself out.
[Nick isn't good at talking about things. Kyle is fearful of talking about things and losing Nick. ]
You're right though. We need to talk about these things.
So what does this mean to you? About us? In general? [ He pauses, considering this before lifting his gaze to Nick. He is trying not to look scared, to not show he's worried but he can't help but be. He's let himself open up and he truly thought everything was okay but what if it wasn't? ] Is this just letting me know before someone else does or is there something more?
( nick drags his eyes up from their hands, to meet kyle's instead. he's a little stressed, he can't hide that, but that's just talking — what they're talking about, or touching on at least. he reaches his other hand up, touches his fingers to kyle's cheeks lightly. )
I just...Ragnor saw before I told him and things got seriously out of hand. And I know it's not the same, I don't even know if you'd recognise him but like, that's not the point. He was so mad. I don't want to fight with you about shit.
( what is the point, exactly? that he still feels like he's lying, maybe. that it feels wrong to have kyle touching on filthy conversations when he doesn't know the full story. that there shouldn't be parts of nick that he's still hiding from kyle, maybe. )
I don't know if you remember the uh...marking your territory thing. Or the finder conversations, but. That's him, that's Logan.
[ Those words are important to Kyle and he shifts to move closer to Nick, wanting to hold him but settling on having him closer. His other hand covers Nick, turning his head to kiss the center of Nick's palm. ]
Are you guys okay? You and Ragnor?
[He knows things have been tense for them, about fights they've had in the past that Michael had told him about and that Kyle had seen the fall out from. He knew it hurt him when they fought like that. ]
I know Logan. Well, of him. I think we've talked a couple of times.
[ He doesn't get into the truth that he can't forget anything anymore, though for him it's not become centuries of memories as he knows it has for others. ]
Are you sure this okay? I know enough to know how horrific that video was to watch, how many were upset by what happened to you and others. Are you taking chances that are going to end up in you being hurt again? Is that why you're doing it?
[ He hates asking but he's trying to understand, to not be upset, or think that there's just things he's not giving Nick that he needs so he's risking himself to get them. ]
Yeah, it was um— right before I moved out, actually.
( which probably gives a little more context for why that whole situation went so spectacularly south. nick has never dealt with being overwhelmed well, and coming off of that fight, the self-destructive spiral that followed, and then the contract renewal coming in at the perfect moment to make him panic.
it wasn't his finest moment. )
No, it's...I get it looks bad to people, and I didn't want to worry anyone, or freak them out, which is part of why I didn't tell anyone in the first place.
( as it turns out, it's easier to talk about things the closer kyle is. he still struggles through the sentences, trying to tease his own thoughts out in a coherent way as difficult as actually saying them, but it's easier with kyle's cheek in his palm, with his lips against nick's skin. nick shuffles closer until his knees knock against kyle's leg and he can lean up, pressing a kiss to kyle's forehead and staying there. )
It's not about hurting each other. I just— always knew he understood some shit that no one else did, and it made it easier to relax around him, I guess. But it's not us. I don't want what we have with him, I don't want you to think that's what this is.
Okay. So I had heard about that. When I was having my own little... meltdown.
[ Because Michael had mentioned it might be part of why Nick had left. But Kyle had been too pained to think about that and worry about why. ]
Okay. I'm going to start with a few things.
[ He's still confused on some things but as they get closer, he feels tension easing. He needed that contact, leaning into the press of Nick's lips on his brow as he closes his eyes for a minute. Just savoring that.
His thumb brushes against Nick's hand and he fights not to pull Nick into his lap. Not that he doesn't close the gaps between him that he can, his leg sliding over Nick's. ]
Have you both talked about what happened that day? About what you've been through, and what he's been through? Especially now that he's important to you, I really hope you've talked about what you've been through.
Not as much as we should I guess, but we've talked about it more than I probably have with anyone else.
( in truth, he'd like to dress it up a little more. making it sound like nick and logan are perfectly healthy individuals and the past is just a matter of circumstance, because he knows kyle is worried. he can feel the tension there still, and this is part of what he'd been trying to avoid.
but lying has just made things worst in the past, and he said he was going to do better. getting caught out in a stupid lie and turning it into a reason to break up is what the old nick would have done. he's trying to be better than that. )
We've talked about...a lot. Enough. He's not a bad guy, I wouldn't bother with him if he was. But like...it's okay if you don't get it, or you think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to just understand, I sometimes don't still.
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text | un: nickelodeon
i need 2 talk to u abt something and im messaging now so that we actually talk about it when ur home and i dont just like continue to not do that
is that ok
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Sure. Of course. It's always okay for you to come talk to me. No matter how bad it is.
I shouldn't assume it's bad.
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it's not
bad
its just complicated and i probably should have talked to u about it earlier but i didnt for like a lot of reasons but its not bad
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I'm not sure if this is reassuring or not. Whenever you're ready to talk though, Nick, you know I'm there for you.
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sorry i'm trying to be chill but im not doing a very good job of it
i'm actually going to be home v shortly are u free
its ok if ur not right this second i know work is probably stupid busy right now
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Which sounded cheesy and whatever. But I'll be there.
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ok i am like technically already here im just procrastinating
but i want to like say if ur confused or u dont understand or like whatever u feel about stuff i want to actually talk about it
and if u have questions i'll answer them
like be honest dont just be like 'if thats what u think u want' ok?
full amnesty u can say whatever u want just dont like yell
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I'll do my best to not just say if that's what you want and be honest about how I feel.
[ Even if the more this goes, the more it's worrying him just what it is that Nick wants to talk to him about. He just has no idea what's going on and Nick's worry is beginning to worry him. ]
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cool
sorry i really was actually trying to be non stress about this ik 'we need to talk' texts suck
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You are okay, right? This isn't another video type thing, is it?
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sort of related tho
idk i'm going to make a drink quickly but where are u
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In my room. Would you rather I be somewhere else?
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It's really not that bad, or like. I don't know, it just seems like something I should talk to you about.
( he frowns, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he looks at kyle, but he crosses the room and sits on the bed without hesitating. slightly mixed signals, probably, but it doesn't last for long at least. he huffs, but keeps talking, holding a hand out for kyle to take. )
You never watched the video, did you?
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[ Normally he would have hidden it, fought to keep his emotions down and to not let it show how nervous he is. They've come through so much, he sees no reason to hide it from Nick.
He moves to take Nick's hand though, settling on the bed so he's facing him. He shakes his head. ]
Nope. You asked me not to and I never did. Ragnor and I talked about it though.
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( it's not exactly a secret that nick very much doesn't talk about that whole incident, even by nick's standards of avoidance. he does a lot to avoid talking about pretty much that entire period, the whole stressful month from the realignment cell through to kyle's release from prison.
but he was serious about wanting to be better, and if the blowout with ragnor was anything to go by then there's nothing to be gained by keeping things to himself. actually it just tends to blow up in his face. )
I don't— it's not like— the person who's punishment it was, we...kept seeing each other. After the video. I didn't really tell anyone 'cause I thought they would freak out.
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[ He tries to keep his hand firm but tender against Nick's but he can't hide how he tenses thinking about it. He can't help himself. He came out of an abusive relationship months ago and it still hurts him and he blames himself for it, so maybe it's like that. ]
Can I ask why? Was it what you wanted? Was it... I don't know. Punishing yourself going through it again?
[ He remembers Nick locking himself in his room after it, and he can't help but wonder if that's what it's about. ]
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I don't know. Maybe a little at first, but it was more like— he already knew exactly what that was like, so it was just...easy.
( he's not defensive, but nick can feel the knee jerk instinct to argue, to defend himself. communication has never been nick's strong point, but he made a point to tell kyle to ask questions and be honest. he drags his thumbs over kyle's knuckles, looks at their joined hands, actually takes half a second to think before he speaks.
none of it comes naturally to nick, who would have hightailed it long before this conversation only a few weeks ago, but he's trying. )
I don't like, expect us to keep each other up to date on everyone we're hooking up with or anything stupid like that. You know? This is like— he's...important to me now, does that make sense? But I don't want me and you to blow up in my face because I kept it from you.
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Even as he's trying not to panic if only because his mind runs through the worst case scenario and all of them that he can think about are awful and all end with Nick leaving again.
He hates it's where his mind goes, but he can't help that when it's been his most recent heartache.
He looks at their hands, afraid to raise his gaze and give Nick the wrong kind of look. ]
I know we never talked about this part of things. About who we're with or others. I guess I just kind of hoped it would just all work itself out.
[Nick isn't good at talking about things. Kyle is fearful of talking about things and losing Nick. ]
You're right though. We need to talk about these things.
So what does this mean to you? About us? In general? [ He pauses, considering this before lifting his gaze to Nick. He is trying not to look scared, to not show he's worried but he can't help but be. He's let himself open up and he truly thought everything was okay but what if it wasn't? ] Is this just letting me know before someone else does or is there something more?
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( nick drags his eyes up from their hands, to meet kyle's instead. he's a little stressed, he can't hide that, but that's just talking — what they're talking about, or touching on at least. he reaches his other hand up, touches his fingers to kyle's cheeks lightly. )
I just...Ragnor saw before I told him and things got seriously out of hand. And I know it's not the same, I don't even know if you'd recognise him but like, that's not the point. He was so mad. I don't want to fight with you about shit.
( what is the point, exactly? that he still feels like he's lying, maybe. that it feels wrong to have kyle touching on filthy conversations when he doesn't know the full story. that there shouldn't be parts of nick that he's still hiding from kyle, maybe. )
I don't know if you remember the uh...marking your territory thing. Or the finder conversations, but. That's him, that's Logan.
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Are you guys okay? You and Ragnor?
[He knows things have been tense for them, about fights they've had in the past that Michael had told him about and that Kyle had seen the fall out from. He knew it hurt him when they fought like that. ]
I know Logan. Well, of him. I think we've talked a couple of times.
[ He doesn't get into the truth that he can't forget anything anymore, though for him it's not become centuries of memories as he knows it has for others. ]
Are you sure this okay? I know enough to know how horrific that video was to watch, how many were upset by what happened to you and others. Are you taking chances that are going to end up in you being hurt again? Is that why you're doing it?
[ He hates asking but he's trying to understand, to not be upset, or think that there's just things he's not giving Nick that he needs so he's risking himself to get them. ]
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( which probably gives a little more context for why that whole situation went so spectacularly south. nick has never dealt with being overwhelmed well, and coming off of that fight, the self-destructive spiral that followed, and then the contract renewal coming in at the perfect moment to make him panic.
it wasn't his finest moment. )
No, it's...I get it looks bad to people, and I didn't want to worry anyone, or freak them out, which is part of why I didn't tell anyone in the first place.
( as it turns out, it's easier to talk about things the closer kyle is. he still struggles through the sentences, trying to tease his own thoughts out in a coherent way as difficult as actually saying them, but it's easier with kyle's cheek in his palm, with his lips against nick's skin. nick shuffles closer until his knees knock against kyle's leg and he can lean up, pressing a kiss to kyle's forehead and staying there. )
It's not about hurting each other. I just— always knew he understood some shit that no one else did, and it made it easier to relax around him, I guess. But it's not us. I don't want what we have with him, I don't want you to think that's what this is.
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[ Because Michael had mentioned it might be part of why Nick had left. But Kyle had been too pained to think about that and worry about why. ]
Okay. I'm going to start with a few things.
[ He's still confused on some things but as they get closer, he feels tension easing. He needed that contact, leaning into the press of Nick's lips on his brow as he closes his eyes for a minute. Just savoring that.
His thumb brushes against Nick's hand and he fights not to pull Nick into his lap. Not that he doesn't close the gaps between him that he can, his leg sliding over Nick's. ]
Have you both talked about what happened that day? About what you've been through, and what he's been through? Especially now that he's important to you, I really hope you've talked about what you've been through.
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( in truth, he'd like to dress it up a little more. making it sound like nick and logan are perfectly healthy individuals and the past is just a matter of circumstance, because he knows kyle is worried. he can feel the tension there still, and this is part of what he'd been trying to avoid.
but lying has just made things worst in the past, and he said he was going to do better. getting caught out in a stupid lie and turning it into a reason to break up is what the old nick would have done. he's trying to be better than that. )
We've talked about...a lot. Enough. He's not a bad guy, I wouldn't bother with him if he was. But like...it's okay if you don't get it, or you think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to just understand, I sometimes don't still.
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I knew I had tagged this, then tagged it to the wrong thread. Sorry