[ Seeing Charles' name makes Kyle smile as he opens the text. Then he finds himself staring at the message and what it's asking.
He knows he could say he's not up for talking about it and Charles would let it go. He never thought to lie about the truth of it, but in the end, he can't help but to answer. Because it's Charles, and because maybe it would be good to talk about it. ]
I do. I remember everything from my throat being ripped out to choosing to step off that ship... and I remember everything from when I sank into the water until it all went dark. I have nightmares about it. And weird visions too.
[ He pauses a moment before adding... ]
I remember everything from my death back home, before Max alien jump started my heart again.
I... I never talk about it. The most I have has been with you.
Is everything okay?
[ He's not sure he'd be okay if it led him to asking these questions. ]
[Kyle's experience is worse than he'd imagined. There's a quick rush of reactions that all mix, clash, and compete with one another for Charles' attention: regret, anger, guilt, sadness, sympathy, horror, and a dull tinge of physical sickness. Carefully, the vampire puts his device down for a moment, and then makes himself draw an unnecessary, centering breath.
Was asking about this terrible, when this is the answer? Is it possible for it to be terrible, when he didn't know about Kyle's experience?
Is Kyle... living his life, carrying all of this under the surface in his heart and body? In the same way he's realizing the aftermath of his own ancient death may not be so buried and inconsequential to his life now as he'd taken for granted that he'd made it?
He has questions, some that don't feel like they should be asked, and so many all at once that he can't decide what the best way to respond might be.]
No, I
I'm not. I will be soon, but I don't imagine I currently am. [That's easy enough to get out first. Honesty about the state that brought him to text in the first place.]
Christ, Kyle. I don't know where to begin. [With what the man's just told him.]
[ Kyle rarely thinks of the dark sides of his life. He makes jokes about being skewered behind his mother's precinct, and laughs off being dangled from a mountain.
Just as he dismisses his sire's behavior, or everything that led to him making that choice to step off the pirate ship and to drop to his death in the depths. It's easy with the madness in this place to just deal with other's pains and troubles and not worry about his own. It's just easier that way.
But Charles has asked, and already Kyle is wondering if that answer was too much. But he knows how to handle things, as he always has. ]
I'm sorry you're not okay. What happened? What can I do? Where are you?
[Charles immediately regrets his reflexively horrified reaction as soon as the other man responds in a way that feels predictable: Kyle stepping in to try to help someone in distress. Someone besides himself.
He does want to talk about what surfaced through his texting with Malcolm, knows it would be useful, but the idea feels almost beside the point when what the other man's told him is as terrible as it is, and much more recent a happening than his own death.
He doesn't know how to help with this, to reach for some balance between them in it, but what does feel plainly obvious is that sitting back and running himself through endless questioning won't achieve anything. Talking to the man is the only way anything will actually happen.]
Obsidian Port. [The home he shares with Elle.] Are you at the hospital? You could come here, or I could meet you.
[ Kyle doesn't think about how easy that is for him. To just shift into caring for others. It's why he's a good doctor, he knows that, but he doesn't think about the other side of things where he doesn't come back to himself and what he's been through.
It doesn't even strike him that he should talk more about those things, or at least work on how he feels about them. Very much a case of do what I say, not what I do. Even if he never intentionally means it that way. ]
I'm at Haven, but it's just two portal jumps to the townhouse next door or a short run and I can be there if I won't be intruding.
[ He definitely feels like a talk they should have somewhere that isn't Haven. Just for the lack of intimacy or full privacy they hospital doesn't afford. ]
You're all right; Elle's working a late night at the spa. [Which is another source of the vampire's current pool of concerns, but not one that's relevant right now.] Feel welcome to come right in.
[The short pause from talking is helpful. It gives Charles a little time to collect himself, to reaffirm that he doesn't want to make the mistake of responding to Kyle with horror a second time, and to start planning what he does want to do when the other man arrives.
Really, forcing them into this topic with a direct question out of the blue feels, in retrospect, like the most foolish way he could have done it, but it's too late to change it now. If he's learned anything about managing his guilt over the past few months, it's that clinging to it doesn't serve anyone else, much less himself.
Pocketing his device, Charles makes his way from his study on the second floor and to the foyer to wait.]
[ And he's true to his word as well. Tidying up his desk and pausing at a mirror to make sure he looks okay, he changes out of his white coat for a thigh length peacoat style wool jacket that was more for style than it was a need for warmth and head out to the row of townhomes that hold an interesting mix of memories for him, and emotions. All of them positive though.
He takes Charles at his word, opening the door and stepping inside. He knew a couple of the dogs Elle had now, from when this had been Nate's place. It's interesting how much things here can change and yet still circle around to the same.
Kyle sees Charles and his smile lights up. He holds out a hand towards him. ]
Hey there, Handsome. How are you? Seriously, how are you?
Reckoning with ancient trauma that I short-sightedly assumed had no significance anymore. [There's a dryly humorous, and self-flagellating, quality to the words, but he's not meaning to direct any of that at Kyle - he's more hoping to defuse any potential impression that he's in dire need of help.
Because he's not. He can hold onto his conversation with Malcolm and look for support with working through his thoughts another time.] Which means, I suppose, that it's Tuesday in the city.
[His face softens slightly, then, his expression growing more grounded and sincere, as he crosses the room to meet the other man. He doesn't take Kyle's offered hand, but instead lays a hand on the man's arm, gripping at him.]
Let me apologize for how I reacted to the details of your death. [The frown on his face deepens.] I didn't imagine it was anything like what you described. That's no excuse, truly, but I was... caught off my guard. Had I been more patient, and taken some time-- [he falters, but then just goes for his point, instead:] that's not how you telling anyone about that should have gone at the start.
[ He notices that Charles doesn't take his hand, and maybe it's a good thing so he doesn't just draw him in close and do what he often does... distract and change the subject. It's one of the ways that Kyle knows to change the mood and try and make things better, after all. ]
It doesn't mean you have to endure it alone though. Please always remember that. I'm here for you. Any time.
[ And he means it, earnest in his tones.
Though his expression turns in that moment, definitely confused. He can't help but to shift in closer, his hand lifting to delicate touch his fingers against Charles' chest, over where his heart is. ]
Death is horrific, Charles. Any of the times I've died, it was awful. I won't deny that. I could have been more... delicate about it. I hadn't meant to be shocking. Just honest. I just don't talk about it often so I guess I'm not used to how.
[He knows how death is. Personally, and also far beyond his own. Death is surreal and off in Duplicity, where LIERs who pass away in the hospital can, and have, come back a week later to bring their doctors coffee. But even in this place, the patterns of how those people die, and the sometimes very violent realities of their deaths, aren't at all different to the soldiers, and countless patients he's seen go through the same things in hospitals all across Earth.
Seeing death, being buried up to his wrists in it, is standard. Not meaningless - he tries to make it so that it doesn't become completely meaningless to him - but normal.
The difference here, what made this so terrible to hear about, regardless of his deep knowledge of how, exactly, to respond medically to a patient whose throat has been torn out, is the significance of the who.]
You needn't apologize, or feel badly for that. Genuinely. [He trusts implicitly that Kyle doesn't want to harm anyone, let alone himself. To the extent that, even in the case of someone like Alastor, whose deservedness Charles finds immediately questionable, Kyle didn't want to let harm come to him. He feels there's immoderation there, but regardless, it makes the truth of Kyle's intentions undeniable to him.] But have you ever reckoned, truly, with what happened to you?
[He searches the other man's face for a questioning and uncertain moment.]
Perhaps I'm biased, because my own death felt to me the way it did, and you're another person who may not receive personal traumas in the same ways-- [He welcomes the possibility of being told he's wrong in imagining that what Kyle went through had to have had an impact on him. He hasn't seen obvious signs of it (Kyle deliberately hasn't shown signs of it? His excitement from and occasional desire for personal pain and violence, perhaps, yes, but... he doesn't know. Is that a reaction? A sign? Or just vampirism?) so it feels possible that could be the case. He hopes that is the truth here.] but things like that that happen... in my experience, they mark things well beyond the body.
[ Kyle shifts slightly, biting at his bottom lip even as he shrugs slightly, folding his arms against his chest. Then he pauses, obviously realizing how that looks and letting his arms fall loose against his side.
Which feels awkward and he sighs, one hand coming to rest against his stomach, tugging at his shirt slightly. ]
Do I sound like an ass if I even ask which time? I mean, technically I think you're just asking about when I was turned, right?
[ He's not sure that makes it better but he's seen the looks Tim makes when he laughs off his deaths, and he doesn't want to disappoint Charles in that way either.
So while he's shifting, still uncertain about this because he knows his answers are not going to be good. He knows that well enough because he's avoided this with caring for others and laughing about it as if it's nothing serious. ]
When it happened, I really had no one left. My sire had done well to make sure of that. Alienating them himself or convincing me that they were against me so when it happened... he was all I had and there was never a mention of it after I came to on the beach.
Then it was... life here. There was other things going on, and so many things with him and...
[ He sighs, looking down and then up at Charles as he slides his hands into his pockets, pressing his arms against his sides. ]
I don't know what the right way is. Dealing with aliens made things so that there wasn't time to deal with things. I had to protect them. It's what my family does. Here? I mean, you know how it is. Life is nuts, right?
[Charles notes the clear discomfort he's seeing, and isn't immediately sure what to make of it, what to make of what he's hearing, or how to respond. A lot of it feels like a story being told from a distance. It does sound to him like all of it was impactful to the other man, but it's almost as if there's some kind of quiet attempt to meet an expectation of some kind through the telling, because there are happenings and facts being listed off one at a time, but no opinions, or emotions beyond what he can see being telegraphed physically.
It all doesn't feel quite ... owned? Yes, he thinks that's the right word for the way what he's hearing makes him feel about it. The overall picture he's getting confuses him, but Charles settles in, determined to try to be more patient this time, and to keep trying to understand.]
Your sire abused you, [he points out carefully after a moment, frowning softly. He imagines it must have been easy for someone to encourage the other man into that kind of position, too, when he spends so much of his time giving of himself to others, and doesn't, in Charles' opinion, judge where judgment is sometimes warranted, or have firm boundaries around who is, or isn't, worthy of his effort.] Took advantage of you, and didn't offer space, or acknowledge what had been done to you.
[It's... horrible, actually. He's trying to hold space for respecting Kyle's feelings, because he knows abusive relationships aren't as simple as one partner being a complete and unrepentant monster, always, and that those same relationships almost always do involve some form of love at one time or another.
But it makes him angry-- that anyone would take, and take, and take in that way, especially from someone like Kyle.]
[ Kyle knows it's always been easy to talk about it all because he distances himself from it. Just as he would with a patient to be able to continue treating them without breaking down. To be able to handle his life without breaking down over what he's been through and how traumatic it actually was. From aliens to murder attempts to deaths to vampirism.
Kyle smiles a little at that, but it's self deprecating. As much so as his words. ]
Be thankful you know me now and not then. I defended his actions for the better part of a year. Put all the blame on myself, on the choices I made and the ones I didn't. Took me a long time to realize that opening me up to a thousand years of horrific memories an hour after we met, after he had fed from me, was likely carefully thought out. It did just what it was intended to in overpowering me about anything else but him. I was always so careful around him to make sure he wasn't hurt, but I never thought about how hurt I was.
[ He huffs out a breath. ]
Taking about it like this is really coming a long way. I don't think I could have if Grayson hadn't done all he did for me in removing those memories.
[If he ever meets this man -- if Kyle's sire ever returns to the city again -- Charles resolves himself to dealing with the man directly. Immediately. Ideally with Kyle, before his sire can get real access to the other man again.
Everything Kyle is describing is disturbingly similar to the ways the more self-important, and manipulative vampires in the London Underground pull people into their orbits. They overwhelm them, prey on their personal weaknesses or doubts, and make it nearly impossible to refuse them.
Charles imagines the now-vampire and experienced in that kind of abuse Kyle would be more able to protect himself, but if there's any chance he might falter in that in some way? Out of love, nostalgia, willingness to excuse terrible behaviour for the sake of easing someone's apparent suffering, or some other reason? It can't be allowed to happen again.]
I'm pleased for your sake that you've been able to come this far in that, but... [A grave frown etches its way into the vampire's face.]
I think it's worth considering directly why you may have been susceptible to a manipulation like that. [He isn't meaning to blame Kyle for it in any sense - his idea is only that it all feels like it ties into the struggles the other man seems to have with boundaries in his giving, and caring, in general. A deep desire and need to be needed and loved, perhaps?] Beyond the vampiric aspects of it. I don't know many humans, or vampires for that matter, who would have been able to protect themselves from the total emotional overwhelm you're describing. That is the effect we're designed to have.
[It's just that some vampires wield that power to much more directly wicked ends than others.]
[ Kyle thinks sometimes what he would do if Elijah came to the city again. The one that knew him, and not some version like has happened who had no idea who he was or who his sire was. As it was, Kyle worked to keep that away from those that came from the same world. Some were gone, but he wasn't certain that both of those that remained didn't know the truth, but he'd deal with that if it ever became an issue.
He's just thankful that he's gone, and that Kyle can leave so much as his sire without who he was. That part didn't matter, just what he had done to Kyle.
Despite how some might react to that turn of things, Kyle can't help but nod and give a soft smile. ]
You mean the part that invited him over after talking to him for like six hours on the phone, staying up all night and then all but welcoming what happened?
[ His tone is a teasing bit and his expression wry. ]
I've... explained to myself what some of it was. Feeling alienated from someone that I had finally felt close to from home. The way someone that was close to him treated me. I was new here and had just lost someone I cared about and was questioning what happens to us when we vanish and...
[ He sighs, making a face. ]
I try being logical about it and then I feel I'm making excuses for bad choices and blindness on my part. How much I should have seen the truth in every little thing. It's easy enough to do in hindsight.
It's always easier to see clearly in hindsight, [Charles agrees freely, his expression softening slightly.
Kyle's handing him so many pieces of a puzzle that's obviously confusing to him, but that the man has clearly grappled with. Extensively. He doesn't feel like there are any errors in thinking or reasoning here, but there is one thing that stands out to him that he can't help himself from pushing on:]
Do all of those things that happened matter? [His tone isn't accusing or angry, but it is... pointed.] I'll put that more directly, and drive at the heart of my point: Do you matter, Kyle? To you. Not to anyone else -- you.
[ No one has ever put it quite like that, and Kyle can't hide the confusion and uncertainty in his expression in the face of those words. He opens his mouth, prepared to give an answer.
Likely the expected answer but he stops himself, truly trying to think about it. ]
Not as much as others do. Which sounds awful, maybe, but I've been selfish and uncaring and done everything I had to so I could protect myself and looking back? I hate that person. They hurt others and didn't care, and I won't ever put myself first so that I hurt others in favor of protecting myself.
[ Maybe his lack of survival instinct over helping others was a problem, but he's not sure he likes the alternative because there doesn't feel entirely like there's a middle ground. ]
[This suddenly feels more delicate to Charles, as a kind of... defensiveness? decidedness? resistance? he doesn't usually see from Kyle starts coming to the fore. Charles tips his head thoughtfully, frowns, and then diverts his gaze to give the other man a break from what is, it has been pointed out to him a few times, his intensity.
He doesn't truly want to make this feel like he might be tearing into him with his words - he thinks he's only calling things as he sees them. Things that deserve to be addressed.]
I was different when I was-- [he stops himself from saying 'your age', because for a flash of a moment, putting it in that way makes him feel odd and self-conscious, given their relationship] younger, too. More reckless, and selfishly focused on my own needs and concerns, as well. [He was chasing those needs for the sake of helping others, but he doesn't know if that detail truly matters here, if the results were anything similar.] I hurt both my father and grandfather, greatly, when I told them I had no intention of remaining a gentleman and head of our estate, alone. I broke the relationship, was accused of a number of things that were unflattering to everyone in the equation, and it quickly spread around our circles that I was the lone son standing against the proper existence of our House.
We take paths, [Charles offers carefully, pointedly bringing the conversation back around to the true focus of this all] Paths we have to, to find who we are, and what we end up being. In that process, people are, unfortunately, sometimes hurt for it. They frequently are, really, because that's what being young is, in my experience.
[And clearly to him, he thinks, the person Kyle seems to fear becoming again, isn't who he is now.]
[ Kyle has learned through the years that so many don't push him. They accept what he'll do for others and he knows part of it is because those that he does these things for benefit from it, but because he makes it clear he's not really open to changing. He never thinks about their benefit, because in the end it's just that he would never be that asshole, the homophobic monster who had ruined Alex's life for years.
Not only has he changed but he's never letting that become who he is again. Even if he knows his sire's family and many of their line willingly sink into the monsters they can be. He won't let that be him though.
So for Charles to push, to give him that look, it twists something up inside of him. That Charles pushes him but listens reminds him a bit of Michael, but also brings up a sensation of being cared for. Not just loved, but taken care of.
He smiles though at that pause and then younger. It's easy not to face it, even if they're both aware. Kyle is fairly certain he was slightly older than Charles at the time they each were turned, but they look around the same age, about the same generation... if one didn't know the truth and the years between the time when they had both been that age. ]
Why did you do it? What made you make those choices?
[ He knows vague things about Charles' life and the time he's from, but he wants to know. Every day he finds himself wanting to know more about him.
And maybe how it echoes or lines up with his life and choices. ]
[He finds himself questioning the desire to push the topic of their conversation onto himself.
But maybe there's something Kyle's looking for here, he reasons, or some point he might be hoping to make by finding out more. After a thoughtful moment, Charles nods, and looks back over at the other man.]
Because I couldn't take being a[nother] nobleman who did nothing with myself but sit on my family's wealth and father's title. I wanted to make something more of myself, and what I felt I could do-- to live a life that felt meaningful to me, whatever that would end up being. [He hadn't known, as a young man, what that would mean at the time. Not completely. There had been steps in certain directions that he'd taken that had felt right (mathematics, the natural sciences and then, eventually, medicine) and that he had hoped would carry him to down the path to the greater, and ultimate, end that felt as if it was reaching out to him through the future.] I saw a need some people in London had at the time, saw how it wasn't being addressed, and I knew I had the interest, technical skills, and motivation to build the knowledge to fill that gap. Even if it meant I was doing it alone. I knew I could do it, so I couldn't see any reason why I shouldn't try.
But it did mean putting aside people who felt like they had no hope of understanding that, or seeing how I felt about answering to something that felt to me like a certain kind of...fate. It didn't matter to me that two of those people were family - and that is the selfish part of all of it in a certain light. I was stubborn, wholly convinced in my own ideas and morality, and no one was going to turn me from that path once I put my mind to it. I don't know if I could have been stopped, even if there had been worthy reasons that I stayed what I was.
It didn't make me popular. Quite a few people were likely glad, I'm sure, that they didn't have to stand me questioning myself, questioning them, or our lives as aristocrats, in salons anymore.
[But he wanted to feel like his life mattered, on his terms, and wasn't willing to accept anything less.]
It's a grandiose way to put it all, maybe, calling it 'fate'-- but that's how it felt. [Inevitable. Unbearable, if he'd merely stayed sitting in salons and being flattered by the wealthy people of lesser standing around him for no reason besides what having his family's favour might be able to do for them.] When I did pull together a practice that served both the wealthy and the people of the East End, it did feel like something better had fallen into place. [Not enough-- but just enough.] Not just for me, but for that little part of London as a whole.
But, in another, far less flattering light-- I may have also been looking for a challenge, and to find my own limits.
[ Kyle can be bad for changing the subject but for him, this isn't that. This is looking to someone else that is similar to him and why they did what they did. He doesn't meet many who remind him of those parts of himself but Charles does. ]
You and I are alike in that. Way different but alike. I went to college on a full ride football scholarship. Worked hard for it. Except when I left Roswell, it didn't feel the same. When the world made me slow down and really start thinking about things, I realized I wanted to help more than I wanted to be famous. Kept playing but actually focused on a major and went premed. By the time I couldn't play the way they wanted, I was already happy for that. Not to much the knee issues but for a reason to focus even more on medicine.
You know that isn't a bad thing though, right? Challenging yourself? I've found the times I pulled myself out of the worst was when I did.
[ When he left for college. Medical school. Returning to Roswell. Standing up to bigots, and dictators, and even his own sire. All of it had been challenging himself to put himself back onto the path he wanted to be on. The one he felt he had to be on. ]
I doubt you ever regretted making that choice either. I had a bit of a heritage in Roswell, not like yours or anything, and not just being a Valenti eventually wasn't enough. Only to find out that it meant a whole lot more in the grand scheme of another world.
[ His grandfather had helped the Oasians, as had his father and his uncle. Now Kyle did. It's what Valenti men did, they helped others. He just hadn't realized it when he'd put himself on that path. ]
[Hearing Kyle explain, in this very certain and resolved way, his path and how he'd reached for his own noble purpose -- his desire to help -- very nearly makes him fall for the man all over again.
But his own (silly, it feels, for how suddenly and unexpectedly airheaded these sudden surges of romantic feeling he sometimes has for the other vampire make him feel) feelings aside, why tell him this now at this point in the conversation he thought he was pushing them towards? His own questioning brings him tumbling right back down to Earth, as he regards the other man with open confusion.]
Is this your way of telling me not to probe at this, and that I need to respect the way you are without trying to push you in some sense? [He's not trying to be argumentative or rude here, but he is being direct. Whatever's happening here, he's not sure if he understands it. If Kyle's trying to connect with him, yes, he likes that and is fully on board with the idea generally, but... why this, now?]
Not that I didn't enjoy this insight into your life and everything you've faced to reach where you are now -- quite the contrary, [he qualifies, belatedly.] Genuinely. I do think we are alike in this regard, despite where we've come from and what we were before.
[ Kyle doesn't answer right away, considering that and what he is feeling in that moment. Except he knows how it all comes back to where this conversation started and that means addressing things he doesn't. Or is flippant about when he does. ]
It's less that than me not knowing my true feelings on it all. Death... it's something really twisted up for me. So... maybe I'm changing the subject because I don't know if my reactions are normal. Or true even.
And it's... no one's really ever called me on that. Maybe sadly.
[When Charles sees what feels like Kyle retreating from him in a certain way, it trips a bit of an underground nervous switch in the vampire. It may not be the best response, he doesn't know, but he steps closer and reaches to take both of Kyle's hands in his own.]
[ Had Charles drawn back, physically or mentally, Kyle probably would have let him and let it go. That he steps in instead, taking his hands, Kyle doesn't even think about his reaction as his fingers cling to Charles' ]
No. I... Everyone's busy. Here or back home. Life is crazy. I get that most don't have the time or emotional or mental capacity to worry about things with everyone and everything. I try and not make it harder on others.
[ He pauses, knowing he would normally stop there but he makes himself continue on. ]
I want someone to though. I'm always the one being strong, and I'm glad I can be there for others. I'm glad I'm the one they rely on. But it feels good to know there's someone I don't have to be that person with all the time.
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He knows he could say he's not up for talking about it and Charles would let it go. He never thought to lie about the truth of it, but in the end, he can't help but to answer. Because it's Charles, and because maybe it would be good to talk about it. ]
I do. I remember everything from my throat being ripped out to choosing to step off that ship... and I remember everything from when I sank into the water until it all went dark. I have nightmares about it. And weird visions too.
[ He pauses a moment before adding... ]
I remember everything from my death back home, before Max alien jump started my heart again.
I... I never talk about it. The most I have has been with you.
Is everything okay?
[ He's not sure he'd be okay if it led him to asking these questions. ]
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Was asking about this terrible, when this is the answer? Is it possible for it to be terrible, when he didn't know about Kyle's experience?
Is Kyle... living his life, carrying all of this under the surface in his heart and body? In the same way he's realizing the aftermath of his own ancient death may not be so buried and inconsequential to his life now as he'd taken for granted that he'd made it?
He has questions, some that don't feel like they should be asked, and so many all at once that he can't decide what the best way to respond might be.]
No, I
I'm not. I will be soon, but I don't imagine I currently am. [That's easy enough to get out first. Honesty about the state that brought him to text in the first place.]
Christ, Kyle. I don't
know where to begin. [With what the man's just told him.]
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Just as he dismisses his sire's behavior, or everything that led to him making that choice to step off the pirate ship and to drop to his death in the depths. It's easy with the madness in this place to just deal with other's pains and troubles and not worry about his own. It's just easier that way.
But Charles has asked, and already Kyle is wondering if that answer was too much. But he knows how to handle things, as he always has. ]
I'm sorry you're not okay. What happened? What can I do? Where are you?
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He does want to talk about what surfaced through his texting with Malcolm, knows it would be useful, but the idea feels almost beside the point when what the other man's told him is as terrible as it is, and much more recent a happening than his own death.
He doesn't know how to help with this, to reach for some balance between them in it, but what does feel plainly obvious is that sitting back and running himself through endless questioning won't achieve anything. Talking to the man is the only way anything will actually happen.]
Obsidian Port. [The home he shares with Elle.] Are you at the hospital? You could come here, or I could meet you.
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It doesn't even strike him that he should talk more about those things, or at least work on how he feels about them. Very much a case of do what I say, not what I do. Even if he never intentionally means it that way. ]
I'm at Haven, but it's just two portal jumps to the townhouse next door or a short run and I can be there if I won't be intruding.
[ He definitely feels like a talk they should have somewhere that isn't Haven. Just for the lack of intimacy or full privacy they hospital doesn't afford. ]
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[The short pause from talking is helpful. It gives Charles a little time to collect himself, to reaffirm that he doesn't want to make the mistake of responding to Kyle with horror a second time, and to start planning what he does want to do when the other man arrives.
Really, forcing them into this topic with a direct question out of the blue feels, in retrospect, like the most foolish way he could have done it, but it's too late to change it now. If he's learned anything about managing his guilt over the past few months, it's that clinging to it doesn't serve anyone else, much less himself.
Pocketing his device, Charles makes his way from his study on the second floor and to the foyer to wait.]
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[ And he's true to his word as well. Tidying up his desk and pausing at a mirror to make sure he looks okay, he changes out of his white coat for a thigh length peacoat style wool jacket that was more for style than it was a need for warmth and head out to the row of townhomes that hold an interesting mix of memories for him, and emotions. All of them positive though.
He takes Charles at his word, opening the door and stepping inside. He knew a couple of the dogs Elle had now, from when this had been Nate's place. It's interesting how much things here can change and yet still circle around to the same.
Kyle sees Charles and his smile lights up. He holds out a hand towards him. ]
Hey there, Handsome. How are you? Seriously, how are you?
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Because he's not. He can hold onto his conversation with Malcolm and look for support with working through his thoughts another time.] Which means, I suppose, that it's Tuesday in the city.
[His face softens slightly, then, his expression growing more grounded and sincere, as he crosses the room to meet the other man. He doesn't take Kyle's offered hand, but instead lays a hand on the man's arm, gripping at him.]
Let me apologize for how I reacted to the details of your death. [The frown on his face deepens.] I didn't imagine it was anything like what you described. That's no excuse, truly, but I was... caught off my guard. Had I been more patient, and taken some time-- [he falters, but then just goes for his point, instead:] that's not how you telling anyone about that should have gone at the start.
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It doesn't mean you have to endure it alone though. Please always remember that. I'm here for you. Any time.
[ And he means it, earnest in his tones.
Though his expression turns in that moment, definitely confused. He can't help but to shift in closer, his hand lifting to delicate touch his fingers against Charles' chest, over where his heart is. ]
Death is horrific, Charles. Any of the times I've died, it was awful. I won't deny that. I could have been more... delicate about it. I hadn't meant to be shocking. Just honest. I just don't talk about it often so I guess I'm not used to how.
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[He knows how death is. Personally, and also far beyond his own. Death is surreal and off in Duplicity, where LIERs who pass away in the hospital can, and have, come back a week later to bring their doctors coffee. But even in this place, the patterns of how those people die, and the sometimes very violent realities of their deaths, aren't at all different to the soldiers, and countless patients he's seen go through the same things in hospitals all across Earth.
Seeing death, being buried up to his wrists in it, is standard. Not meaningless - he tries to make it so that it doesn't become completely meaningless to him - but normal.
The difference here, what made this so terrible to hear about, regardless of his deep knowledge of how, exactly, to respond medically to a patient whose throat has been torn out, is the significance of the who.]
You needn't apologize, or feel badly for that. Genuinely. [He trusts implicitly that Kyle doesn't want to harm anyone, let alone himself. To the extent that, even in the case of someone like Alastor, whose deservedness Charles finds immediately questionable, Kyle didn't want to let harm come to him. He feels there's immoderation there, but regardless, it makes the truth of Kyle's intentions undeniable to him.] But have you ever reckoned, truly, with what happened to you?
[He searches the other man's face for a questioning and uncertain moment.]
Perhaps I'm biased, because my own death felt to me the way it did, and you're another person who may not receive personal traumas in the same ways-- [He welcomes the possibility of being told he's wrong in imagining that what Kyle went through had to have had an impact on him. He hasn't seen obvious signs of it (Kyle deliberately hasn't shown signs of it? His excitement from and occasional desire for personal pain and violence, perhaps, yes, but... he doesn't know. Is that a reaction? A sign? Or just vampirism?) so it feels possible that could be the case. He hopes that is the truth here.] but things like that that happen... in my experience, they mark things well beyond the body.
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Which feels awkward and he sighs, one hand coming to rest against his stomach, tugging at his shirt slightly. ]
Do I sound like an ass if I even ask which time? I mean, technically I think you're just asking about when I was turned, right?
[ He's not sure that makes it better but he's seen the looks Tim makes when he laughs off his deaths, and he doesn't want to disappoint Charles in that way either.
So while he's shifting, still uncertain about this because he knows his answers are not going to be good. He knows that well enough because he's avoided this with caring for others and laughing about it as if it's nothing serious. ]
When it happened, I really had no one left. My sire had done well to make sure of that. Alienating them himself or convincing me that they were against me so when it happened... he was all I had and there was never a mention of it after I came to on the beach.
Then it was... life here. There was other things going on, and so many things with him and...
[ He sighs, looking down and then up at Charles as he slides his hands into his pockets, pressing his arms against his sides. ]
I don't know what the right way is. Dealing with aliens made things so that there wasn't time to deal with things. I had to protect them. It's what my family does. Here? I mean, you know how it is. Life is nuts, right?
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It all doesn't feel quite ... owned? Yes, he thinks that's the right word for the way what he's hearing makes him feel about it. The overall picture he's getting confuses him, but Charles settles in, determined to try to be more patient this time, and to keep trying to understand.]
Your sire abused you, [he points out carefully after a moment, frowning softly. He imagines it must have been easy for someone to encourage the other man into that kind of position, too, when he spends so much of his time giving of himself to others, and doesn't, in Charles' opinion, judge where judgment is sometimes warranted, or have firm boundaries around who is, or isn't, worthy of his effort.] Took advantage of you, and didn't offer space, or acknowledge what had been done to you.
[It's... horrible, actually. He's trying to hold space for respecting Kyle's feelings, because he knows abusive relationships aren't as simple as one partner being a complete and unrepentant monster, always, and that those same relationships almost always do involve some form of love at one time or another.
But it makes him angry-- that anyone would take, and take, and take in that way, especially from someone like Kyle.]
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Kyle smiles a little at that, but it's self deprecating. As much so as his words. ]
Be thankful you know me now and not then. I defended his actions for the better part of a year. Put all the blame on myself, on the choices I made and the ones I didn't. Took me a long time to realize that opening me up to a thousand years of horrific memories an hour after we met, after he had fed from me, was likely carefully thought out. It did just what it was intended to in overpowering me about anything else but him. I was always so careful around him to make sure he wasn't hurt, but I never thought about how hurt I was.
[ He huffs out a breath. ]
Taking about it like this is really coming a long way. I don't think I could have if Grayson hadn't done all he did for me in removing those memories.
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Everything Kyle is describing is disturbingly similar to the ways the more self-important, and manipulative vampires in the London Underground pull people into their orbits. They overwhelm them, prey on their personal weaknesses or doubts, and make it nearly impossible to refuse them.
Charles imagines the now-vampire and experienced in that kind of abuse Kyle would be more able to protect himself, but if there's any chance he might falter in that in some way? Out of love, nostalgia, willingness to excuse terrible behaviour for the sake of easing someone's apparent suffering, or some other reason? It can't be allowed to happen again.]
I'm pleased for your sake that you've been able to come this far in that, but... [A grave frown etches its way into the vampire's face.]
I think it's worth considering directly why you may have been susceptible to a manipulation like that. [He isn't meaning to blame Kyle for it in any sense - his idea is only that it all feels like it ties into the struggles the other man seems to have with boundaries in his giving, and caring, in general. A deep desire and need to be needed and loved, perhaps?] Beyond the vampiric aspects of it. I don't know many humans, or vampires for that matter, who would have been able to protect themselves from the total emotional overwhelm you're describing. That is the effect we're designed to have.
[It's just that some vampires wield that power to much more directly wicked ends than others.]
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but he'd deal with that if it ever became an issue.
He's just thankful that he's gone, and that Kyle can leave so much as his sire without who he was. That part didn't matter, just what he had done to Kyle.
Despite how some might react to that turn of things, Kyle can't help but nod and give a soft smile. ]
You mean the part that invited him over after talking to him for like six hours on the phone, staying up all night and then all but welcoming what happened?
[ His tone is a teasing bit and his expression wry. ]
I've... explained to myself what some of it was. Feeling alienated from someone that I had finally felt close to from home. The way someone that was close to him treated me. I was new here and had just lost someone I cared about and was questioning what happens to us when we vanish and...
[ He sighs, making a face. ]
I try being logical about it and then I feel I'm making excuses for bad choices and blindness on my part. How much I should have seen the truth in every little thing. It's easy enough to do in hindsight.
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Kyle's handing him so many pieces of a puzzle that's obviously confusing to him, but that the man has clearly grappled with. Extensively. He doesn't feel like there are any errors in thinking or reasoning here, but there is one thing that stands out to him that he can't help himself from pushing on:]
Do all of those things that happened matter? [His tone isn't accusing or angry, but it is... pointed.] I'll put that more directly, and drive at the heart of my point: Do you matter, Kyle? To you. Not to anyone else -- you.
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Likely the expected answer but he stops himself, truly trying to think about it. ]
Not as much as others do. Which sounds awful, maybe, but I've been selfish and uncaring and done everything I had to so I could protect myself and looking back? I hate that person. They hurt others and didn't care, and I won't ever put myself first so that I hurt others in favor of protecting myself.
[ Maybe his lack of survival instinct over helping others was a problem, but he's not sure he likes the alternative because there doesn't feel entirely like there's a middle ground. ]
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He doesn't truly want to make this feel like he might be tearing into him with his words - he thinks he's only calling things as he sees them. Things that deserve to be addressed.]
I was different when I was-- [he stops himself from saying 'your age', because for a flash of a moment, putting it in that way makes him feel odd and self-conscious, given their relationship] younger, too. More reckless, and selfishly focused on my own needs and concerns, as well. [He was chasing those needs for the sake of helping others, but he doesn't know if that detail truly matters here, if the results were anything similar.] I hurt both my father and grandfather, greatly, when I told them I had no intention of remaining a gentleman and head of our estate, alone. I broke the relationship, was accused of a number of things that were unflattering to everyone in the equation, and it quickly spread around our circles that I was the lone son standing against the proper existence of our House.
We take paths, [Charles offers carefully, pointedly bringing the conversation back around to the true focus of this all] Paths we have to, to find who we are, and what we end up being. In that process, people are, unfortunately, sometimes hurt for it. They frequently are, really, because that's what being young is, in my experience.
[And clearly to him, he thinks, the person Kyle seems to fear becoming again, isn't who he is now.]
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Not only has he changed but he's never letting that become who he is again. Even if he knows his sire's family and many of their line willingly sink into the monsters they can be. He won't let that be him though.
So for Charles to push, to give him that look, it twists something up inside of him. That Charles pushes him but listens reminds him a bit of Michael, but also brings up a sensation of being cared for. Not just loved, but taken care of.
He smiles though at that pause and then younger. It's easy not to face it, even if they're both aware. Kyle is fairly certain he was slightly older than Charles at the time they each were turned, but they look around the same age, about the same generation... if one didn't know the truth and the years between the time when they had both been that age. ]
Why did you do it? What made you make those choices?
[ He knows vague things about Charles' life and the time he's from, but he wants to know. Every day he finds himself wanting to know more about him.
And maybe how it echoes or lines up with his life and choices. ]
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But maybe there's something Kyle's looking for here, he reasons, or some point he might be hoping to make by finding out more. After a thoughtful moment, Charles nods, and looks back over at the other man.]
Because I couldn't take being a[nother] nobleman who did nothing with myself but sit on my family's wealth and father's title. I wanted to make something more of myself, and what I felt I could do-- to live a life that felt meaningful to me, whatever that would end up being. [He hadn't known, as a young man, what that would mean at the time. Not completely. There had been steps in certain directions that he'd taken that had felt right (mathematics, the natural sciences and then, eventually, medicine) and that he had hoped would carry him to down the path to the greater, and ultimate, end that felt as if it was reaching out to him through the future.] I saw a need some people in London had at the time, saw how it wasn't being addressed, and I knew I had the interest, technical skills, and motivation to build the knowledge to fill that gap. Even if it meant I was doing it alone. I knew I could do it, so I couldn't see any reason why I shouldn't try.
But it did mean putting aside people who felt like they had no hope of understanding that, or seeing how I felt about answering to something that felt to me like a certain kind of...fate. It didn't matter to me that two of those people were family - and that is the selfish part of all of it in a certain light. I was stubborn, wholly convinced in my own ideas and morality, and no one was going to turn me from that path once I put my mind to it. I don't know if I could have been stopped, even if there had been worthy reasons that I stayed what I was.
It didn't make me popular. Quite a few people were likely glad, I'm sure, that they didn't have to stand me questioning myself, questioning them, or our lives as aristocrats, in salons anymore.
[But he wanted to feel like his life mattered, on his terms, and wasn't willing to accept anything less.]
It's a grandiose way to put it all, maybe, calling it 'fate'-- but that's how it felt. [Inevitable. Unbearable, if he'd merely stayed sitting in salons and being flattered by the wealthy people of lesser standing around him for no reason besides what having his family's favour might be able to do for them.] When I did pull together a practice that served both the wealthy and the people of the East End, it did feel like something better had fallen into place. [Not enough-- but just enough.] Not just for me, but for that little part of London as a whole.
But, in another, far less flattering light-- I may have also been looking for a challenge, and to find my own limits.
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You and I are alike in that. Way different but alike. I went to college on a full ride football scholarship. Worked hard for it. Except when I left Roswell, it didn't feel the same. When the world made me slow down and really start thinking about things, I realized I wanted to help more than I wanted to be famous. Kept playing but actually focused on a major and went premed. By the time I couldn't play the way they wanted, I was already happy for that. Not to much the knee issues but for a reason to focus even more on medicine.
You know that isn't a bad thing though, right? Challenging yourself? I've found the times I pulled myself out of the worst was when I did.
[ When he left for college. Medical school. Returning to Roswell. Standing up to bigots, and dictators, and even his own sire. All of it had been challenging himself to put himself back onto the path he wanted to be on. The one he felt he had to be on. ]
I doubt you ever regretted making that choice either. I had a bit of a heritage in Roswell, not like yours or anything, and not just being a Valenti eventually wasn't enough. Only to find out that it meant a whole lot more in the grand scheme of another world.
[ His grandfather had helped the Oasians, as had his father and his uncle. Now Kyle did. It's what Valenti men did, they helped others. He just hadn't realized it when he'd put himself on that path. ]
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But his own (silly, it feels, for how suddenly and unexpectedly airheaded these sudden surges of romantic feeling he sometimes has for the other vampire make him feel) feelings aside, why tell him this now at this point in the conversation he thought he was pushing them towards? His own questioning brings him tumbling right back down to Earth, as he regards the other man with open confusion.]
Is this your way of telling me not to probe at this, and that I need to respect the way you are without trying to push you in some sense? [He's not trying to be argumentative or rude here, but he is being direct. Whatever's happening here, he's not sure if he understands it. If Kyle's trying to connect with him, yes, he likes that and is fully on board with the idea generally, but... why this, now?]
Not that I didn't enjoy this insight into your life and everything you've faced to reach where you are now -- quite the contrary, [he qualifies, belatedly.] Genuinely. I do think we are alike in this regard, despite where we've come from and what we were before.
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It's less that than me not knowing my true feelings on it all. Death... it's something really twisted up for me. So... maybe I'm changing the subject because I don't know if my reactions are normal. Or true even.
And it's... no one's really ever called me on that. Maybe sadly.
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Do you not want people to?
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No. I... Everyone's busy. Here or back home. Life is crazy. I get that most don't have the time or emotional or mental capacity to worry about things with everyone and everything. I try and not make it harder on others.
[ He pauses, knowing he would normally stop there but he makes himself continue on. ]
I want someone to though. I'm always the one being strong, and I'm glad I can be there for others. I'm glad I'm the one they rely on. But it feels good to know there's someone I don't have to be that person with all the time.
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