Oh, Kyle, that is almost unbearably kind of you to offer. I'm truly touched. I don't know how to express my gratitude, but please know that I feel it from the bottom of my heart. It isn't that I'm not interested, or rather... it isn't you that I'm not interested in. I think you are generous and thoughtful and handsome and appealing, and I think if my thoughts were not such a tangle, I would find you almost impossible to refuse.
( which is to say, louis is well aware that kyle is the sort of vampire he might develop romantic feelings toward, if things were different. if the timing was better. or perhaps if louis just had better taste in men. )
How do I put this without sounding prudish?
One peculiarity of vampires in my world is that we cannot experience intimacy as humans do. That is to say, since we as a species do not reproduce through natural means, we lose both the urge and the ability to have sexual intercourse. The desire for closeness is still there, but the instincts I have now are so different than when I was a man. Some vampires take mortal lovers, and play at what they used to have... but for 200 years, the only physical intimacy I ever had was when I felt my mortal victims' lives slip away.
The powers that be here in Duplicity have restored my body's ability, but my desires remain unchanged. It has never been an easy thing for me to be close to someone. I don't know why.
[ He hadn't offered to hear such things, but it is comforting to hear in a way. Just in knowing that what had happened at the hospital hadn't been as it seemed. It's a guilt he's held since then, that he had, in a way, pushed himself on another. The very thought of it has bothered him since then so it's a small relief to have.
Yet it doesn't make him worry less about Louis.
So he reads what has been sent, and then reads it once more. How sick of the powers that be to bring him here, force him into this and know how he feels about intimacy and sex?
He sighs, considering his answer. ]
I'm so sorry they've put you in this position, Louis. It's not anything you should have to face, or that you should need to endure.
It doesn't matter why. All that should matter is how you feel. Sadly, this place doesn't see it that way and we both know they aren't going to accept that either.
What about feeding though? Without killing, but in taking blood from another. It's about what brings pleasure and if you could feed from another and use that to bring them to release, than it would count as quota.
I suppose you're right. That is something to consider.
God, I'm so sorry — I know you didn't ask to hear any of this, but I wanted to explain myself to you. I was so reticent with you in the hospital, and I've felt terribly guilty ever since.
I've only ever shared blood with a handful of people, you see. And it has always been in the context of, well, romance. And with Lestat so recently gone, and things as chaotic as they were, and my own loneliness and fear... I was afraid that I would taint one of the few purely good things I've ever done as a vampire with my own selfish instincts.
I don't mind being here for you though. If I can help just by being someone to talk to, or help with your hunger or anything, I'm here for you.
You don't need to feel bad about that. You were being kind and generous to me, and I respect your desires and what you want and don't want.
I'm going to ask this and you don't have to offer or to talk about it, but does feeding from other vampire's give you the sort of pleasure that would help with making your quota?
Because sharing with you isn't tainting anything. It's helping a friend. Just as you helped me. And thank you for that. It means a lot to me you were there for me.
( this much unexpected kindness when he's feeling so down and so alone — louis doesn't know what to do with himself. it takes him a moment to compose a response, especially with the sudden tears springing to his eyes. )
I don't know. I suspect it would, but I've never allowed myself to try. We gain power through the blood of those stronger and older than ourselves, you see, and I have seen the toll that the change takes. I want no part of it.
I can't blame you for that, Louis. I know how it feels to want no part of the way others live. There could be others here besides myself who are younger than you.
You'll find a way to not have to be drugged by them. You'll figure out something. We'll figure out something.
[ He's known those that have been through it, and he doesn't want that to be something that Louis goes through either. ]
I'm glad that you understand so much of what I mean without my needing to explain. You've given me much to consider, and I thank you for that.
I have no plans to be disobedient, at any rate. I loathe the system on principle, but there are far worse things they could ask of me. It's only that I haven't had to think of it before.
( and it's a reminder of who he's missing. but that feels like too much to say. )
You don't need to tell me, but you're welcome. I think the only way we're really going to get through this place is by being kind to one another.
I'd like that to, but just know that you don't have to be any certain way. Okay? You're going through a lot but we'll discuss other things and get to know one another.
I believe so? I'll be honest the nights we went there I wasn't entirely focused on much of anything. It was my early days and I was kept in a very hyperfocused mood.
That sounds like pure hell. My first nights as a fledgling — my first months, really — were overwhelming in a way that no mortal experience could have prepared me for. To have your sire take advantage of your heart and mind during that time... God, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Claudia is doing well, I think, at least as much as any of us can be said to be doing well here. In many ways, she is afforded more freedoms in Duplicity than she ever would have been in our world.
Only in looking back on it. I truly believed it was the best for me at the time. I knew from the memories that it was easier for me than for others, but I hadn't realized exactly why. Not how much control there was being exerted over me. At least until it wasn't there.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm doing so much better now though.
I've noticed it's that way for many. It's why I want others to have a say in where they live, but also just not send everyone back to their own worlds.
I'm so sorry, Louis. I'm glad you guys have here then.
That's a hard question. There was a time, with my ex, I knew I would stay here with him. He was dead back home. Now, I don't know. I care deeply about someone who isn't from my world and my best friend is from my world but far as we know, I would be the only vampire.
It seems inevitable that we'll be pulled in different directions the longer we stay here, and the more people we come to care about. How would you feel about that? Being the only vampire?
Inevitable maybe but there's also the possiblity maybe one day of being able to either make this place better, or to return with others to their homes. If I had the same people there that I do here? I'd be okay with that I think. Never had to do it though so I can't be sure.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I've never had to consider the quota before.
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Don't let yourself end up punished by them, Louis. I know you're not interested, but if I can help, let me know.
[ At least he assumes he isn't after what happened at the hospital. ]
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It isn't that I'm not interested, or rather... it isn't you that I'm not interested in. I think you are generous and thoughtful and handsome and appealing, and I think if my thoughts were not such a tangle, I would find you almost impossible to refuse.
( which is to say, louis is well aware that kyle is the sort of vampire he might develop romantic feelings toward, if things were different. if the timing was better. or perhaps if louis just had better taste in men. )
How do I put this without sounding prudish?
One peculiarity of vampires in my world is that we cannot experience intimacy as humans do. That is to say, since we as a species do not reproduce through natural means, we lose both the urge and the ability to have sexual intercourse. The desire for closeness is still there, but the instincts I have now are so different than when I was a man. Some vampires take mortal lovers, and play at what they used to have... but for 200 years, the only physical intimacy I ever had was when I felt my mortal victims' lives slip away.
The powers that be here in Duplicity have restored my body's ability, but my desires remain unchanged. It has never been an easy thing for me to be close to someone. I don't know why.
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Yet it doesn't make him worry less about Louis.
So he reads what has been sent, and then reads it once more. How sick of the powers that be to bring him here, force him into this and know how he feels about intimacy and sex?
He sighs, considering his answer. ]
I'm so sorry they've put you in this position, Louis. It's not anything you should have to face, or that you should need to endure.
It doesn't matter why. All that should matter is how you feel. Sadly, this place doesn't see it that way and we both know they aren't going to accept that either.
What about feeding though? Without killing, but in taking blood from another. It's about what brings pleasure and if you could feed from another and use that to bring them to release, than it would count as quota.
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God, I'm so sorry — I know you didn't ask to hear any of this, but I wanted to explain myself to you. I was so reticent with you in the hospital, and I've felt terribly guilty ever since.
I've only ever shared blood with a handful of people, you see. And it has always been in the context of, well, romance. And with Lestat so recently gone, and things as chaotic as they were, and my own loneliness and fear... I was afraid that I would taint one of the few purely good things I've ever done as a vampire with my own selfish instincts.
I'm still so glad you came to me. I truly am.
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You don't need to feel bad about that. You were being kind and generous to me, and I respect your desires and what you want and don't want.
I'm going to ask this and you don't have to offer or to talk about it, but does feeding from other vampire's give you the sort of pleasure that would help with making your quota?
Because sharing with you isn't tainting anything. It's helping a friend. Just as you helped me. And thank you for that. It means a lot to me you were there for me.
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I don't know. I suspect it would, but I've never allowed myself to try. We gain power through the blood of those stronger and older than ourselves, you see, and I have seen the toll that the change takes. I want no part of it.
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You'll find a way to not have to be drugged by them. You'll figure out something. We'll figure out something.
[ He's known those that have been through it, and he doesn't want that to be something that Louis goes through either. ]
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I have no plans to be disobedient, at any rate. I loathe the system on principle, but there are far worse things they could ask of me. It's only that I haven't had to think of it before.
( and it's a reminder of who he's missing. but that feels like too much to say. )
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I'm glad. I hate having to go along but wouldn't want you to go through that.
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I would like to get to know you better. I will strive to keep my sullen demeanor in check when we next meet, so that we may discuss lighter topics.
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I'd like that to, but just know that you don't have to be any certain way. Okay? You're going through a lot but we'll discuss other things and get to know one another.
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At least there was. I haven't been there in six months.
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It may have changed hands in the intervening time... My daughter, Claudia, co-owns it now.
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Oh. I hadn't realized. Both in the ownership and your child being here. Is she doing well here?
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Claudia is doing well, I think, at least as much as any of us can be said to be doing well here. In many ways, she is afforded more freedoms in Duplicity than she ever would have been in our world.
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Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm doing so much better now though.
I've noticed it's that way for many. It's why I want others to have a say in where they live, but also just not send everyone back to their own worlds.
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Where would you go, if you could? Your own home, or somewhere else?
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That's a hard question. There was a time, with my ex, I knew I would stay here with him. He was dead back home. Now, I don't know. I care deeply about someone who isn't from my world and my best friend is from my world but far as we know, I would be the only vampire.
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How would you feel about that? Being the only vampire?
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If I had the same people there that I do here? I'd be okay with that I think. Never had to do it though so I can't be sure.
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