drmcsexy | CONTACT

More or less. It's Duplicity though so only for so long.
Which is being down, I know. Sorry for that.

I'm doing okay. How are you? I'm glad you texted.

You needn't ever apologize to me for a melancholy outlook. You're right, of course — I only wish that I knew some way to prepare for whatever may come.

I am doing as well as I can be, all things considered.
If I may be melancholy myself, the most difficult part was coming back to an empty house.

Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Is there anything I can do to help?

You're not being melancholy though. You're dealing with a lot, more than many are.

Oh, thank you for saying so. I don't know what would help, but it's a relief just to speak to someone.

He was my sire, and my beloved. We were contracted. I had been alone for so many years, and when I found him again in my world, it felt like I was coming back to life.

I need to sell my house, and I need to find new employment. But those things feel so meaningless now.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm always here to listen.

I hadn't realized that was who you were with here. I really am sorry. You didn't deserve losing him.

You're going to hold yourself together. You're going to rely on your friends, myself included. We're going to help you get through it.

Who's to say what I deserve? I feel like such a fool for thinking that I could find happiness in a place like this.

I don't think it's being a fool. I think it's clinging to happiness when you can find it.

If you are forever worrying about it going bad, you never do anything for your happiness. And I'm going to say you deserve that.

You are kind to say so. Even so, I have more than half the population of this city does, and all because I lack a mark around my neck. I don't deserve happiness more than they do. Perhaps this is some cosmic reminder of that.

I wasn't thinking about the marks. I was thinking about how much it hurts to know you're going through this.

There's no cosmic reminder here. Just their games.

Do you think any of it means anything? The games they play with us?

To them? No, I don't. I think it's amusement for them.

But that doesn't mean we can't hold to what it means for us. It doesn't make it any less because for us this is our life for however long we're here.

And we forget everything at the end, or so they say. So this really is all there is while we're here.

Then cherish what you can have here, and know that the pain will be gone when you leave.

( an unhappy pause. )

I've never had to consider the quota before.

Oh. I hadn't thought about that for you. It's been nearly a year since I've worried about it.

Don't let yourself end up punished by them, Louis. I know you're not interested, but if I can help, let me know.

[ At least he assumes he isn't after what happened at the hospital. ]

Oh, Kyle, that is almost unbearably kind of you to offer. I'm truly touched. I don't know how to express my gratitude, but please know that I feel it from the bottom of my heart.
It isn't that I'm not interested, or rather... it isn't you that I'm not interested in. I think you are generous and thoughtful and handsome and appealing, and I think if my thoughts were not such a tangle, I would find you almost impossible to refuse.

( which is to say, louis is well aware that kyle is the sort of vampire he might develop romantic feelings toward, if things were different. if the timing was better. or perhaps if louis just had better taste in men. )

How do I put this without sounding prudish?

One peculiarity of vampires in my world is that we cannot experience intimacy as humans do. That is to say, since we as a species do not reproduce through natural means, we lose both the urge and the ability to have sexual intercourse. The desire for closeness is still there, but the instincts I have now are so different than when I was a man. Some vampires take mortal lovers, and play at what they used to have... but for 200 years, the only physical intimacy I ever had was when I felt my mortal victims' lives slip away.

The powers that be here in Duplicity have restored my body's ability, but my desires remain unchanged. It has never been an easy thing for me to be close to someone. I don't know why.

[ He hadn't offered to hear such things, but it is comforting to hear in a way. Just in knowing that what had happened at the hospital hadn't been as it seemed. It's a guilt he's held since then, that he had, in a way, pushed himself on another. The very thought of it has bothered him since then so it's a small relief to have.

Yet it doesn't make him worry less about Louis.

So he reads what has been sent, and then reads it once more. How sick of the powers that be to bring him here, force him into this and know how he feels about intimacy and sex?

He sighs, considering his answer. ]

I'm so sorry they've put you in this position, Louis. It's not anything you should have to face, or that you should need to endure.

It doesn't matter why. All that should matter is how you feel. Sadly, this place doesn't see it that way and we both know they aren't going to accept that either.

What about feeding though? Without killing, but in taking blood from another. It's about what brings pleasure and if you could feed from another and use that to bring them to release, than it would count as quota.

I suppose you're right. That is something to consider.

God, I'm so sorry — I know you didn't ask to hear any of this, but I wanted to explain myself to you. I was so reticent with you in the hospital, and I've felt terribly guilty ever since.

I've only ever shared blood with a handful of people, you see. And it has always been in the context of, well, romance. And with Lestat so recently gone, and things as chaotic as they were, and my own loneliness and fear... I was afraid that I would taint one of the few purely good things I've ever done as a vampire with my own selfish instincts.

I'm still so glad you came to me. I truly am.

I don't mind being here for you though. If I can help just by being someone to talk to, or help with your hunger or anything, I'm here for you.

You don't need to feel bad about that. You were being kind and generous to me, and I respect your desires and what you want and don't want.

I'm going to ask this and you don't have to offer or to talk about it, but does feeding from other vampire's give you the sort of pleasure that would help with making your quota?

Because sharing with you isn't tainting anything. It's helping a friend. Just as you helped me. And thank you for that. It means a lot to me you were there for me.

( this much unexpected kindness when he's feeling so down and so alone — louis doesn't know what to do with himself. it takes him a moment to compose a response, especially with the sudden tears springing to his eyes. )

I don't know. I suspect it would, but I've never allowed myself to try. We gain power through the blood of those stronger and older than ourselves, you see, and I have seen the toll that the change takes. I want no part of it.

I can't blame you for that, Louis. I know how it feels to want no part of the way others live. There could be others here besides myself who are younger than you.

You'll find a way to not have to be drugged by them. You'll figure out something. We'll figure out something.

[ He's known those that have been through it, and he doesn't want that to be something that Louis goes through either. ]

I'm glad that you understand so much of what I mean without my needing to explain. You've given me much to consider, and I thank you for that.

I have no plans to be disobedient, at any rate. I loathe the system on principle, but there are far worse things they could ask of me. It's only that I haven't had to think of it before.

( and it's a reminder of who he's missing. but that feels like too much to say. )

Just know that here, especially, you don't have to be part of their lives. You aren't alone in this and we'll find a way to get you through things.

I'm glad. I hate having to go along but wouldn't want you to go through that.

You've been so kind to me, though you hardly know me at all. I really can't tell you how grateful I am.

I would like to get to know you better. I will strive to keep my sullen demeanor in check when we next meet, so that we may discuss lighter topics.

You don't need to tell me, but you're welcome. I think the only way we're really going to get through this place is by being kind to one another.

I'd like that to, but just know that you don't have to be any certain way. Okay? You're going through a lot but we'll discuss other things and get to know one another.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject