drmcsexy | CONTACT

[ SO, GIVEN NETWORK ACTIVITIES OF LATE... ]

Drink tonight?

Edited 2021-02-21 16:20 (UTC)

Definitely. My place?

Yeah
But I doubt you're stocked enough, so I'm just gonna bring everything Max had
He comes back, I'll apologize.

Maybe.

Edited 2021-02-21 16:39 (UTC)

Sounds like a plan. I called out today so whenever works for you, I'm here.

Well, you're my boss so I figure this was my callout

How much does it take to get you drunk these days?

heh hadn't even thought about that. Kind of forget i'm the boss.

Dont know. Havent actually tried. You up for the task?

I was born for it, bossman

See you in a few.

ok
so
what would you actually want in a contract?

i'm really open about contracts because it's about helping each other.

i'm responsible for you as required by the city. i expect the house to be both treated as your own and taken care of at the same time.
you're allowed to work, keep your wages, and contribute to the household with it.
basically roommates/friends but i'm legally responsible for you.

what would you expect?

i don't want to have to act all submissive like this city clearly wants me to in private. in public whatever fine i don't want trouble with those guards, but not if i don't have to
i don't want to be required to have sex with anyone
i don't want to have to ask permission every time i want to leave the house or go somewhere
and if punishments have to be in it somehow we need to figure that out

( is it clear yet that he's kind of incredibly stressed about this whole contract business )

is that ok?

let's start with this. It's okay. Anything you have to say, want in a contract if you took one with me is okay.

If you don't like something, we need to talk about it.

I would never expect that in private. Ever. And only in person to protect you. Or in some way you enjoyed.
sex would never be required. Mutual agreement is another thing. And past history doesn't mean anything either, okay?

You will have documents letting you go wherever, buy what you want, and to work where you want. If there's punishment, they're on me to administer. Which means you and I talk about it to work it out the best way.

I'm not in this to control others. I'm in it to protect others, to be there for those in my house, and to do whatever I can to make things better for others here.

Speaking of, I will be eventually contracting with another friend as well. His name's Michael and he's just lost his family here. That doesn't change anything about this talk.

okay
yeah it looks like we're on the same page about this i think
sorry this is probably so old news to people who have been here a while i'm just...not used to it yet or whatever
i just don't want to end up in over my head in something without realizing it

not that i think you're shady or anything!

the more the merrier? that's a big old house you've got to fill ig
as long as you guys aren't like secret serial killers or something i think we're probably good :)

Hey, you should ask all these questions. You should think I'm sketchy. You have to look out for you. First. Foremost. Always.
This place is set up against you, so do what you have to do.

Most of all anything that happens is because of mutual needs, desires and wants. Nothing is expected but helping out with the household and trying not to get me citations, though I know this place is set up against us.

You're only going to be the third person I contract with if we do. One of them is Margo, she runs Triple M apothecary. If you want references.

We have known each other since home. We grew up together in Roswell. Back home we weren't friends but we knew one another. we've gotten close here.

ok good cause like you seem like a top guy but you never really know right and i don't want to run into trouble w dominants again and this whole business is so stressful i just don't want you to think i'm like saying YOU are being sus or anything if that makes sense

trust me i won't be getting into trouble if i can help it
i don't have fancy references but i have a job and stuff, i won't expect you to pay for things for me or anything weird like that.

no i feel good about this. i think this could work.

any contract we have you will see before we submit it. I am open to any and all addendums except where it's one sided against me. I've dealt with that before and I admit, I'm not going there again.

also again? are you okay? I'm sorry you've had issues before.

hey they're not fancy. margo will come by the house. she's family. just make her a mimosa and things should be okay.

i can get a copy of a contract to you and you can have someone look it over?

:( sounds like a tragic backstory. someone fuck you over with all this? cause that seriously sucks, like we're all being forced into these things we shouldn't be making it harder on each other.

uh lol not 'again' typo sorry 😊😊

( his tragic backstory isn't being unlocked any time soon )

oh perfect i can absolutely win someone over with drinks i used to bartend. i mean not that well but anyone can make a mimosa

yeah ok let me know when you've got something and i'll see if i can get this guy to look at it. no requests for horrible amendments that try to fuck you over, promise.

I fucked myself over. I can admit that. I think there was some things of this place screwing with me, but it was all about choices I made and won't again. And I won't do that to others.

Don't tell her that. She'll prove you wrong. Eliot either. Though the look on his face could be amusing.

I'll send it right over, and I don't think you will. I don't feel I'm going into it blinded by this place, and I think this could go well for both of us.

yeah, this place likes to do that huh. for what it's worth i have like...zero interest in rocking the boat. those citations are fucked up, i'm not dragging me or you into that shit if i can help it.

ply the friends with a+ mimosas, got it. i'll work on my techniques :)

cute. i'll let you know what i think uhhh soon probably. see how we go.

Sometimes I think it's more than we realize. Until things start going wrong.

I'm here for you thought if anything happens, okay? Not as your dominant but as a friend.

You would do well to work on it. Siblings are dangerous.

Take your time, as long as you have it from the city.

i'll remember that. it goes both ways, though. like i realize that the amount i can do here is limited but if you get caught up in something and there's something i can do to help i'd want you to ask
yknow?

oh, say no more. i have several, that makes total sense.

thanks :) you're actually making this whole thing a lot less stressful, so like. i appreciate it.

I will. promise. even if we don't do this, it still stands. It's not just because of the contract.

How many do you have? I was lucky to get adopted by Margo.

Good, I'm glad. This place does enough to us. I try and do as much as I can for those I can.

too many, i'll tell u that much. 1 younger, 5 older. if any of them showed up here i'd lose my shit tho, so it's probably a good thing i'm the only one dragged to this lovely little hell hole.

u've got like a home regular guy superhero thing going on here, huh. is there a secret identity i need to know about or something? ;)

well here's hoping none of them show up.

me? a superhero? wow, never thought that but like it. i look good in spandex. back home i'm pretty much what i am here with less bloodletting. just a doctor trying to help others.

Do you work nights at the hospital? Or can you go out during the day?

I can go out in the day, and I'm currently on a mixed shift at Haven.

Are you all right?

Quite all right, thank you for asking. I'm sorry if my initial message was concerning; text can be so abrupt.

I hoped I might follow up on our initial conversation, and perhaps arrange a time for us to meet in person? Socially, that is, if you're amenable. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting many other vampires under positive circumstances, and I would very much like to change that.

I would like that a lot. I'm in the same position and most of the other vampires I know of in the city are related to my sire so it's not the best of circumstances.

Would you be more comfortable in one of our homes? I'm willing to meet you where you're most comfortable.

That does sound inconvenient. Is your sire still in the city?

You're far too kind. If it wouldn't be an imposition, I would be glad to visit you at your home.

[He considers a moment how to answer that, because yes or no is not an exact. ]

Not the sire I knew. There's someone here with his name but I think they wiped his memories of his time here before. So no. I'm not telling him.

Of course not. Not an imposition at all. I need to get back into the practice of entertaining, if nothing else.

That must be difficult for you. Is it for your sake or for his that you're keeping it a secret?

Forgive me if that's too personal a question. It's only it made me think of my own circumstance. When I arrived in this city, I found that my sire had years of memories from our world that I did not. It has troubled me to learn of my own actions as if I were a character in a story — to see the consequences of mistakes that I haven't even had the chance to make yet.

I've always wondered whether there is any significance to the things that we remember here.

It is really. We were ordered apart by the city before the change. I don't know how much that holds now, but it's for the best. For both of us. He can have the things he wanted before I think the city stepped in and changed us both.

I don't keep a lot of secrets in this place. They out them anyway. So if someone's willing to listen, there's very few things I'm unwilling to talk about.

That's something I hadn't thought of, though there's many that could tell him about it all. They're welcome to but I see it as two different people. I'm moving on with my life and healing from a lot that happened.

I'm sorry you went through that though. I learned some things from someone from my world, and regret never having gotten the chance to live them.

This world has introduced complications that I never could have imagined. It's unfair, deeply unfair, the amount that they put us through. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad to hear that you've found some peace.

Two different people? I can see the philosophical merit in that... Perhaps it is even entirely true. Who can say? There are so many very similar worlds, and there are even people here who have met doubles of themselves.

I'm always torn on this place. I've had reasons to want to stay here, but then I have to face how bad things truly are and how much worse they're getting all the time.

Thank you though. I really appreciate it.

It may not be true, but he's been made to forget everything from before so it might be either way but the end result is the same. I'll soldier on though.

Then you're torn for the same reasons I am, it seems. I am happy — as much as I am ever happy or have ever been happy, at least. I have found contentment here, and I've reunited with those who I love dearly. I have been fortunate, by and large.

And it is precisely that good fortune which makes me feel so terribly guilty that I cannot do more to help people in need. There are so many suffering here, and it makes any power I have as a Dominant feel like a mockery. Do you know what I mean?

That's how I feel. Even with the bad that I've been through, the things I've lost and the mistakes I made, the good things outweigh the bad. Knowing I'll lose it all if I leave makes me put up with everything about this place I can.

I know exactly what you mean. We can't make contracts strong enough to protect them, our control over that is only in that they want to let us take that control. They tell us to take this power, and then twist it to prove we don't have that control. I hate it. I really do. If they want me to take this position, then let me protect them as I see fit. Even from this place.

You understand me completely, I think. It means a great deal to have someone else say it.

It's good to have someone that understands. All we can do is be there for one another, Louis. Help to do what we can to get through this and keep what we have.

kind of big favor to ask
can u not go on the network for a bit. or like maybe today at all actually idk
and also not ask any questions?
for now at least
sorry this is really fucking weird

[This is why it's a good thing he goes for morning runs. Because he saw this before the network. ]

ok. it's not weird, worrying but not weird.
what do you need? talk to me about anything, ok?

its a long story
actually its not but i dont really want to talk about it

doors locked, but you could come talk for a bit if u want

i'm not asking you to talk about that. just talk to me and don't shut me out.

whatever you need. we can text. i can talk through the door. whatever i can for you, nick.

is it weird to talk at a door
cause idk i'm kind of over texting
if youre not busy

I'm never too busy for you, Nick. Not ever.

[Just like that he's there, settling himself on the floor, leaning his shoulder against the door. Whatever it is Nick needs. ]

All I'm going to ask is if you're okay physically and if there's anything I can do for you? Even if it's the thing we should probably avoid and Michael would have my ass for. The rest we can work on but don't die on me. Okay?

[He doesn't know how bad it is, he is keeping his word, but he can't handle that. ]

I'm fine.

( it's hardly even a lie, really. nate knows his way around a healing potion and nick had knocked that back pretty much the moment the other witch had left, but that doesn't mean much.

but. physically, he is okay, and that's the question that was asked. )

Healing potion, works wonders. Besides, I wasn't going to die.

( he rests his head back against the door, and it all feels very dramatic and maudlin — but the other options are either opening up the door, or telling kyle to go away, and neither of those are options he's willing to consider right now. )

Tell me about something. I don't know, weird medical facts. Why vampires don't hate garlic.

I hope you mean Nate's. [ Because Kyle trusts him. ] I'm just asking because I'm respecting your wishes. I don't know how bad things are.

[ Except Maria's asking him and it's led to talks about his having killed someone. So that's a talk to be had. ]

Because my type of vampires are the result of witchcraft.

[ Maybe this is a good thing to tell him about as a witch. And screw if maybe he shouldn't talk about it. Not like he doesn't know it all.

He leans his head against the door, talking as steadily as he can. ]

Their parents were a witch and a man who lived near what they learned was a werewolf tribe. One night their youngest snuck out to see what they did, and was killed. The witch couldn't risk the idea of losing any more of her children and so she created a spell and cast it on the children.

She did what she had to so that her children never died again, and so she made it that nothing could kill them and they would never age.

She hadn't counted on the other side of things.

It's...not great.

( that's already more than he wants to say, but even he can see it's not fair to ask kyle to go off of no information at all.

it's nice though, listening to him talk. even if the topic is grim — he's heard all sorts of stories about how vampires are born, from the strange fiction ones, to the rules that created something similar in his own world. never a story like this, though.

a tale as old as time, though. corrupted magic, he's seen it happen himself. )

So vampires in that world all exist, because a witch tried to save her kids.

That's...

( a little crazy. a little insane. a little selfish, really. mostly, it's just sad. )

Is there anything that can get you guys then, if garlic doesn't work? Daylight doesn't matter, I'm sure I've seen you in a reflection somewhere. Is any of it true?

I'm sorry, Nick. I hate that I've let you down and not protected you. It's all I've wanted with my submissives and my friends.

[ It's how he'd spent a day being beaten before he was turned, protecting his first sub. And he knows now that if he knew the truth, even with what Maria had told him about the other person not having control. He's certain he would end up trying to rip out someone's heart. Even as emotional that action is to him. ]

I'm going to tell you a secret. Daylight really does matter. That ring I wear all the time? It's the only reason sunlight doesn't kill me. Without it that would be the end of me.

I can heal nearly anything. I... I witnessed my sire rip out his own heart once and a few minutes later he was fine. [ Kyle hadn't been fine though. He still wasn't, not about that. ] Stakes are a real danger. There's an herb called vervain that can make it that I can't use compulsion or my powers. It will cause damage to me.

You didn't do anything wrong.

( nick didn't do anything wrong either, he'd really just been in the wrong place at the wrong time — which is more frustrating, really, but at least one thing is clear. kyle couldn't have done anything to stop this.

for all nick knows about vampires ( clearly not much ) he gets the very distinct feeling that this is the sort of thing that should be kept quiet, and that settles weirdly in his chest, part of a very different box to remain unopened. )

I don't think you're supposed to tell me all of this... ( he responds quietly, only because he's pretty sure that kyle can hear him anyway. he runs his finger over the space on the floor where the marks of nate's charm had disappeared without a trace.

he doesn't break the spell, but he thinks about it. ) How many people know all of that?

[ He's not sure he did anything right either, and much as logically he knows there's nothing he could do, he hates he couldn't stop Nick from being hurt like this.

He definitely hears him though, and he knows the truth of what he's saying. He's right. Hell, he's had this talk with Michael. So when that question comes, he's quiet a minute, not sure what the right answer would be. ]

There are those from that world here that know the truth. About a half dozen people who are from the same family or lines that I know of.

Other than that... Michael and Alex know. Anyone that knows what a lapis ring means that others have told, maybe. Whoever the witch is that Elijah went to.

[ Trying to be casual about it, as if it's not a big deal he just told Nick had to destroy him. ]

Oh, right.

( he might have been trying for casual, but that doesn't make the list any longer. nick will have all sorts of ways to examine all of that later, but for now he just picks at his thumbnail and thinks about secret sharing, very intently and very quietly, for an intense, internal moment.

and then he shifts his weight around, and presses his palm against the door instead. )

I still don't want to talk about it.

( he doesn't think that kyle has forgotten, but he brings the point up again anyway. this time, because he's digging out the crystal that deactivates the charm on the door and pressing the point into his thumb until a bead of blood wells up against the stone.

it only takes a moment for the ward to deactivate, and once that's done he stands up and pulls the door open. )

You can come in, if you want. This is a little dumb.

[ It's not many to Kyle, though he's never made an outright effort to hide it. At least not until Michael pointed out that he should. Tell Nick was a choice though. Not for answers, but because he wanted him to know. ]

I'm not going to ask you to talk about it.

[He stops as the door opens, catching the sound of of it opening a moment before it does. Staring at Nick for a moment.

He knows there won't be signs of wounds, but he's still expecting them. He can't imagine how bad it actually was from the things Maria said to him, but there's no signs of it. Except that Nick had felt the need to lock himself in his room. ]

[Whatever you need right now is not dumb, Nick. Thank you though.

Stepping a bit closer but not crowding him. Even as he starts to lift his arm, stopping himself from pulling him closer to him. Not sure what's going to be too much now, how much is asking too much. ]

What do you need?

I don't know what I need.

( that, at least, is honest. he steps back from the door to let kyle walk into the bedroom, but he hovers short of actually going near the other man for a moment. it's not so much that he doesn't want to be close to him, just that nick feels very unpredictable right now.

for someone incredibly chaotic by nature, he's actually pretty uncomfortable with not being able to predict what might happen next. he closes the door still though, and when he turns back to kyle he looks cautious. )

Can you just– don't move...

( a bit of a weird request maybe, but no weirder than anything else he's asked for today. nick reaches a hand out to touch one of kyle's, sliding it up slowly until his hand reaches kyle's wrist. all of that has been fine so far, but he's still careful as he steps in closer until his upper arm leans against kyle's chest. )

[ There's a million things Kyle wants to offer, to try and give him but he knows that right now it's all about what Nick needs and wants, and Kyle is going to do anything he can to give him just that.

He follows him into the room but he gives him distance.

He nods though at that. ]

Whatever you need.

[ And he not only doesn't move, he goes still. Unnaturally so, one advantage to being a vampire that he'd never thought would be needed. So he is stone still, letting Nick touch him as he needs.

Watching him, his chest aching because he only knows it was bad from Nick's reaction and how it's hurting Maria, but he doesn't let that show. Except perhaps in how bright his eyes get, hating to see Nick like this.

Nick who Kyle had not been able to stay away from, and who threw himself at Kyle. Nick with his chaotic vibrancy and now it's dimmed and everything that was inhumane in Kyle wants to destroy whoever did this to him. To literally break them into tiny pieces so maybe even this place couldn't bring them back together. ]

( he's not going to lose it in front of kyle. that much is incredibly important to him, even as his chest aches and he has to swallow down a lump in his throat that threatens to burst. the whole point of shutting people out of the room was to prevent exactly this, but the idea of sending kyle out of here now is somehow so much worse.

he waits another moment, hovering just short of any real kind of contact, and then nick turns very abruptly and throws his arms around kyle's neck. he clings tight, enough that it's probably a good thing kyle isn't human, and he exhales slowly.

he still doesn't lose it. )

I don't want to think about this shit any more.

[ All Kyle wants to do is hold Nick close and just try and offer whatever comfort he can. Instead he just holds himself very still, ignoring the way his eyes burn and his chest hurts. There's almost a physical pain in wanting to move but he knows it's his desires and this needs to be about what Nick needs.

At first he doesn't move, closing his eyes and fighting back tears. Then just one arm moves, resting his palm against his back. Not holding him tight, just trying to offer some kind of comfort. ]

How can I help?

[ His voice is so small and so soft, scared of startling him and making Nick push him out. ]

( the answer to a question like that is so big that nick can't possibly fathom a real answer right now. he wants to scream, but the idea of actually vocalising any of the thoughts rattling around his head makes him feel insane. he wants to be by himself, but he wants kyle here more. contradictions on contradictions, and the only sure thing is that the touch around his waist is the only thing that has made him feel remotely better so far. )

You're helping.

( he's just as quiet as kyle, leaning until his cheek rests against the other man's and exhaling carefully and slowly. and when that isn't enough, he turns his face too, brushes a kiss across kyle's cheek and closes his eyes. )

You are. I just want–

( he cuts off, frustrated, because half the problem is that nick has no idea what it is nick wants, from kyle or in general. )

[ It's always been part of Kyle to just forge in and do things, fix them, make it better. It's why he hasn't held back in medical school, why he's a surgeon. It's why he learned all he could to help Liz, then Isobel when she was so sick. It's what he had started out doing in this place but his ex had drawn him off course.

Now he's back to trying to be the man he wants to be and he isn't sure how. He just knows that for both of their sake, he has to not know what truly happened because seeing Nick like this, he's sure he's going to destroy someone. He's not sure he's not going to do like he is now.

So when Nick moves in closer, that soft nuzzle and the kiss, Kyle feels something loosen in his chest.

No less tense though as he shifts slowly, wrapping his arms around Nick and holding him as he presses a kiss to his temple. ]

Then just stay like this. Take what you need because I'm here for you. Nothing else matters right now.

[ He'll get back to texting Maria, but right now he's here for Nick. ]

I want to skip to the part where I've already forgotten about this.

( nick has annoyingly complex feelings on all things mind and memory, frankly. most of the time it isn't an issue, but moments like now, he'd rather be the type of person that was happy to just get their memory altered. it'd be simple to just wipe the whole thing — but even as the thought appeals to him, the idea makes his skin crawl.

there's really no winning, here.

he sighs as he loosens a hand around kyle's shoulders, slides it around until his palm rests over kyle's cheek instead. )

I don't want to... ( he trails off, a vague sense of tension in the words even if his body is significantly more relaxed. he leans up again, watching kyle and his reactions carefully for a moment for any kind of issue before he leans in again. pressing another soft kiss, this time to the corner of kyle's mouth. ) I just want this, for now. That's all.

I'm sorry. You know if I could do that for you, I would offer.

[ Of course if he could do that, he wouldn't be turning to Ragnor to get rid of the emotional connection to Elijah's memories. ]

You know there are those that can help with that, if it's what you want.

[ Though in this place, how often could he end up having to do it? It's a sick and scary though, and he hates Nick has to be here for this. Even if he would miss him for as long as he gets to live if he left.

Kyle doesn't take anything. He lets Nick lead things with his touch, his kisses. Following that lead as he slides one hand along his back, trying to sooth him, offering what comfort he can. ]

I'm here, Nick. As long as you need. Whatever you need. You wanna move somewhere? Sit down? Or we can just stay here.

( the thing is, nick hates memory magic. hates the idea of someone being in his head at all, actually, but fiddling around with memories, changing things, it makes his skin crawl. and yet, the offer sounds...incredibly appealing.

he still shakes his head, but the thought is tucked away in the back of his mind for now. instead he takes a step back, catching hold of kyle's hand and holding on tight. )

Come lie down. ( it's not phrased as a question but it is one, nick holding kyle's gaze with a very carefully neutral expression. because he'd really been on the verge of admitting— something to himself, and if this whole situation has shattered that, nick really doesn't know what he'll do.

the city can have everything else, he doesn't care. it can't have this. not before nick even knows what this could be. ) Just lying down. Just for a bit.

[ That singular touch is like a lifeline. Clinging to Nick's hand, terrified he'll lose him because of this and so thankful when he asks that of him.

Following him to the bed, staying close to him. ]

Of course. I'm ready to stay right here with you for as long as you'll let me.

[ He knows he's being needy, and he's not hiding how much he cares about Nick even if he's not going to put it in words. He knows enough to realize that would be a bad idea, especially right now. ]

( nick climbs into the bed, shifts to one side to make space for kyle, and holds his breath. really does it, too, because as much as he wants everything to be the same, he really can't predict how things will change.

but he doesn't tense, and he doesn't panic, and it's honestly such a relief that nick has to turn his face into the pillow and let out that long held sigh. )

Tell me something about you. Something that's not sad.

( he won't tolerate it forever, nick knows too much about himself to believe that, but for now he just wants to worm his way into kyle's arms and stay there. for as long as he can manage. )

[ Kyle may not know what was on that video, but pieces and horrible thoughts are coming to him and so he's being as careful as he can be as he follows Nick and slides up onto the bed.

Moving slowly to curl up on the bed next to him. Not pressing in too close, leaving space but laying so that if Nick wants to, he can move in closer to him as he slides his arm over his waist.

Not sad things. That does make it hard, because so many good things in his life also makes him think about horrible things as well. ]

I went to school at University of Michigan. I was on a football scholarship as a quarterback. And my first season, I screwed up my knee.

Which is not sad. [ He rushes to add that. ] Because I switched to medicine and realized how much I love being a doctor. I like being able to help people.

( it's made that much easier because kyle is letting him move at his own pace. he just doesn't know so much right now, he doesn't know how he's going to react to anything, and every time kyle touches him and he doesn't flinch is another win. so he'll keep taking them.

nick shifts in until he's right by kyle's side, leaning his head near kyle's shoulder and splaying a hand out over his chest. his knee knocks against kyle's, and he stretches out a foot to hook around the other's ankle, until there's points of contact littered all over them, and nick feels all the better for it. )

You were good with that stethoscope, ( nick murmurs in response, smiling faintly and resting his palm over the approximate spot where he assumes kyle's heart must be. remembering when the worst thing they had to deal with in this house was a little accidental poisoning. ) You can tell, you know. When you talk about it, like...it's what you're supposed to be doing. It's nice.

[ Everything about Kyle is devoted to Nick right now. Offering him all he can and to do everything he can for him. Trying to stay calm, to move slowly. He has no idea what could be triggers, what touches might spark memories for Nick and ruin things between them. It's a horrific tension, but one he's going to deal with as long as he needs to for Nick's sake.

They're lay there, facing one another, touching here and there and it feels right. They're together, and Kyle is there for him, and that is what matters. ]

It's all I wanted to do. To help others. Which I know sounds cheesy and corny, but it's what I've tried to do.

[ Right up until he gave up all of who he was for another. Now all he can try and do is fix those things. ]

I gave up on the family career. My dad was the sheriff and then my mom was sheriff.

kyle is he ok???

are you okay?

i don't know. he asked me not to look but if you're worried how i am

how bad is it, maria?

oh kyle

I don't know if you want all the details but it's bad. It's horrific.

[ Granted, Maria has normal sensibilities about these things. She hasn't yet been inured to the ways of Duplicity. But she's a mess after seeing it. She can't imagine how Nick is. ]

why he asked me not to look then.

[Nick didn't know how bad it could be but now it's starting to form some kind of a picture. ]

how are you?

i'm sitting here waiting. he's locked in his room but he's texting me. which is good because i want to know who and that could be bad.

[ He's fought so hard not to let his emotions go again but all of this could lead to that again and even Michael kicking his ass might not help. ]

thank God he's at least texting.

[ If he's letting Kyle in even that little bit, then maybe he can get through this. Maria's not sure how, but somehow. ]

I don't think it was the guy's fault. He was drugged. They were pumping him full of something. I don't know what could do that to a person but I can't believe he would do that by choice.

Trust me. I know what can do that to a person here. You wouldn't believe the things they can do. Even now.

[But just this is painting an ugly picture and Kyle can feel that aggression welling inside of him. ]

His fault or not, I can't always control myself. I lost control once, when they took my sire from me. Best thing that could happen all around but took a month of no emotions to figure that out.

No emotions meant no conscience for what I did.

[ Maria definitely cannot believe that they could do worse than this, because this seems pretty terrible. But if Kyle says it's a possibility, then Maria holds onto that. As a warning and as a fear that will haunt her. ]

kyle what do you mean? no conscience?

did you
kill someone?

I went through a lot with my sire, Maria. a lot i barely talk about but I'm beginning to realize how bad it was.

[ Michael and Alex have been making it clear to him. ]

I did. When it happens it's just what you want and nothing else matters. I won't let it happen again, Maria. I'm doing everything I can so it won't happen.

[ Maria has no idea how bad it possibly could have been, because this is different from Duplicity, isn't it? This is just vampire stuff which, while still apparently terrible, at least doesn't have anything to do with sexual abuse. Right? ]

Kyle
what do you need? how can I help?

[Kyle is torn between thinking that maybe they should talk about it, and wishing he could just not let someone else see how pathetic he had been and all he'd endured in the name of love.

A love he was pretty sure wasn't entirely real and could have been created by this place. ]

I'm not going to hurt anyone, Maria. Not right now. Trust me. Right now I'm feeling everything.

Tell me if you're okay? You don't have to be. I should be asking you what you need.

I'm not. I'm definitely not.
But you've got bigger things on your plate.
I'll be ok.

Maria, hey. I'm still here for you if I can be.

[ He knows he needs the focus to not think too hard. Especially about not looking at what actually happened.

Or thinking about what Maria thinks knowing he's killed. ]

I just want someone to tell me it will be alright.
But I know now that that's going to be a sweet lie and nothing I can hold on to.

We're going to do our best for one another, Maria.

I couldn't have promised you that in Roswell either, but I know the same thing here as I did there. We're going to take care of one another the best we can.

I'm sorry I can't promise more than that but I won't lie to you either.

you're right.

I know you're right it's just so much easier to be scared right now.

I'm a Dominant. I'm going to be responsible for someone. And I'm not even equipped for this.

You're seeing the worst part right now.

No matter what you do, how ironclad your contract is, how much you have going with you to protect them... there's nothing you can do.

But it doesn't stop you from feeling responsible and guilty for what you couldn't do for them.

Before I was ever even a vampire, I jumped guards for trying to hurt my first sub. Spent my day being beaten while being told what was happening to her and nothing I could do for her.

I would take any abuse to protect them and I can't. Not always.

is it really? or can it get worse and we just don't know?

I don't like feeling helpless, Kyle. That's not how I work. I need something that I can hang onto.

But even if it is all of you, what happens when it's you on the screen? I don't know what I'll do but I have to do something.

I'm not going to pretend you're not right, Maria.
We don't know how bad it can be, but you're not alone. Okay?

You have something. You have me and Michael and Alex and Liz. We are going to do the best we can to take care of one another, no matter what happens.

I would rather it be me than some sweet guy like Nick. Or Michael who has already been through hell and back. Same with Manes. I hate that any of you are here and dealing with this, and I just want to do all I can.

What can I do for you?

[ He feels like he's getting somewhere with Nick, just giving him other things to focus on and it's taking him everything not to look at the network. If it wasn't for texting Maria, his device would likely be in the ocean even if he knows that won't last. Whatever he can do for others though it means not thinking harder on why he's trying to be there for them. ]

[ This is why Maria passed over the fact that Kyle's killed someone, or at least tucked it away for discussion later. He's being so selfless, so honestly concerned for the well-being of others and not himself. She wouldn't have believed the change in him from high school bully to caring doctor if she hadn't seen it from afar, and now it's hard to believe that he would do anything but care.

But they all have their secrets and their dark corners, don't they? ]

You're letting me freak out over text at you while I wait for Michael to come over. I think you're good on the helping me front.

For the record, I don't want it to be you, either. Nick looks like a kid and there's no denying Michael and Alex have been through shit. But that doesn't mean you should draw the short straw. None of us should.

All you can do sometimes is pick up the pieces after the fact. Like you are with Nick. And that's good.

[ He knows one day they'll have to talk about it. All of it. His time here. The things he's done. And Cain's death. All of it. One day. ]

I'm glad he's on his way. I've been texting him as well while I'm talking to Nick.

No, none of us should have to deal with this but this place doesn't care. So if I can do something for any of you, I will. I just want to take care of who I can of those I think of as my people.

Sorry, Deluca, you're one of them.

It's what I'm going to do. It just breaks my heart that anyone could hurt him. The city not the others hurt as well.

Oh no, poor me. Watched over by a Valenti. It's not like you've got a protective streak in your blood.

I know it hurts. And I know how helpless you must feel right now, because it wasn't in your power to stop it or to bring justice against those that did it. But like you said you do what you can to take care of yours.

[ That has to be enough. Until it isn't. But that's for another day, a day when they have a chance of breaking out of this place. ]

[ He has reasons to think that isn't always a good thing but he's not really sure about talking about them right now either. ]

These days you never know what I have in my blood.

[ It's a bad joke but it's also true that from all the things he still feels and has in his head from months ago, he finds himself feeling that way about some. He just has a cool enough head to remind himself he doesn't get to be that way. ]

I'm trying to focus on that and not let myself feel the other things and let it hurt me. All I can do is focus on is him.

[ It is a bad joke and were they face to face, Maria would have given him a look. Instead it's: ]

🙄

Focus on him for now, but you gotta feel the rest. Just in a controlled space, a better environment. Stuffing it all down will make an explosion eventually.

I don't think I ever noticed a eye rolling emoji.

I'm never going to let that happen. I swear. It's happened once and I'm not going to let that happen again. I swear. Just going to take care of those I can, anyway I can.

I am here to enlighten.

That includes taking care of yourself. Swear you'll do that too.

I'm easy to take care of. Not much can hurt me now.

[ And he's just going to ignore the rest. The pain and loss and troubles he's been through. ]

I'm going to have to hug the shit out of you aren't I?

I'm sorry to tell you that you might have to. I have no regrets though.

Nor should you. No one regrets my hugs, ok? they're fantastic.

Hey, I wouldn't know. This will be an all new experience for me.

Oh, don't I feel special now too. Giving you a new experience in Duplicity at this stage in the game.

You don't even want to know what I've experienced, but hugs are going to be the best always.

I don't want to, unless you're sharing because you want to. Then I'm all ears.

I hope you experience some of the better things like I have.
There was a space station that was terrifying but amazing.
Got to collect pirate treasure off the beach, though that led to my turning.

Even after all of this, I'm still trying to look at the positives here.
I have an adopted sister who has been there for me for over a year. Guerin and I becoming such good friends. Being a vampire's not so bad.

Kyle, Nick asked me to keep an eye on you. I understand if you would rather not have visitors at the moment, but we should talk whenever you are willing.

I'm not the one that's disappeared into this hellscape but sure, I need a babysitter.

I'm not going to kill anyone, Rangor. Want to. Really really hate how bad I want to, but I'm not going to.

You're always welcome here though.

[ Admit that maybe having company is a good idea instead of tearing up the city looking for Nick? Naw. ]

[ In that case, he's knocking at the door.

Did he text from right outside? Yes, he sure did. ]

[ He should have seen that coming. He really should have. And much as he rolls his eyes, he realizes he's glad for it. If he went out after Nick, he's not sure he wouldn't lose control.

Opening the door, he gives Ragnor a long look. Not that he looks great. He's wearing the same clothes he had on the night before, rumpled and wrinkled, and there's a glass of blood in his hand. ]

You could have just let yourself in, you know.

[ He steps back, gesturing. ]

Come on in.

[ He steps in, takes a look at Kyle and sees exactly what Nick meant by Kyle needing someone to keep an eye on him. ]

I thought it better to knock. Ah... I am tracking Nick, he knows I'm tracking him, he's all right with me keeping an eye on him. He's safe and I'll know if that changes.

[ He can't say fine because Nick is far from it, but at least Ragnor knows he's not actively in danger. ]

What do you have? Magical microchipping? [ He sighs. ] That would be useful.

[ Then maybe he could feel he was competent enough to do something here to help those he cares about. It's hard enough knowing his medical degree is fairly useless, but he's being reminded that there's little he can do for anyone. ]

Have a seat? I'd offer to get you a drink but you don't need me for that so ... [ He shrugs. ] I'm fine, you know. Just going to stay here and try to be here for him if he needs me to be.

[ He does take a seat and gets a drink because at least one person here should try to look calm. Ragnor is very self-contained, no pacing, no nervous energy. ]

He asked I gave you ah, "the cliff notes version" in his own words. You may want a drink as well, if you want to hear it.

[ There's nothing in Kyle that wants to hear this. Nothing that wants to know. Yet if Nick wants him to know, he'll respect that. He's seen how bad he was, stood perfectly still and let him do what he needed as if he wasn't even human. Which he supposes he's not, but he's a doctor and he's dealt with abused patients. He's been abused. He knew what he was seeing, and why.

He shakes his head though. ]

No, go ahead. He doesn't get to drown it out and neither should I.

[ Ragnor sits down, staring at his drink instead of nursing it. ]

The short version is that he's been used twice to address Dominant citations. I know the first Dominant, when he got out of the drug haze, he told me what happened, so I tracked Nick down to see if there was anything I could do. That's how I met him.

As for this time, Nick asked me not to watch the video, so I know very little of what happened, beyond him having been forced into sex again.

[ Kyle is so still, unmoving, just staring at Ragnor and listening. He can feel the anger rising up within him though. He's been here nearly a year and a half, and maybe he's been lucky to not have someone he cares about enduring this but now it's someone important to him and he hasn't entirely the same calm he had before. ]

Why him? What kind of sick game is it doing that to him?

[ And he knows the truth is that it's just that. A sick game, but that doesn't anger him less, his voice low and dark and pained though he's trying to hide it. ]

I know it was bad enough it horrified a friend who just found herself here.

I know it's not a comfort, but he's not being specifically targeted, it was a matter of wrong place, wrong time.

[ There's nothing he can say to make this better or easier, so he's not even trying. ]

I am keeping an eye on him, and he's agreed to keep in touch. I expect he'll need a few days. And then he'll need you.

I've been here nearly a year and a half, and never known anyone to go through something like that twice in such a short time. Maybe I've just been blind to it though and it just hasn't been someone that I care about.

[ And it's a sad, but honest truth that it may just be that. It might be that he hasn't paid attention, ignored those kind of videos and, especially during those six months with his ex, ignored everything else.

He shifts then, nervous energy he can't even hide and has stopped trying. ]

Do you have any idea how badly I want to take people apart for this? I don't even think it has anything to do with what I am. I'm just sick of watching people I care about being hurt.

[ He sighs, slumping as he sits back on the couch, shaking his head. ]

And not like it's going to stop either.

[ Not here. Not before here. ]

I understand the impulse, but we cannot hurt the ones actually responsible, and trying would only hurt those we care about.

[ Ragnor does not particularly care about what would happen to him. But he has Magnus, and he wouldn't want him to be held responsible for Ragnor's recklessness. ]

As far as I know, no amount of legal jargon can prevent what happened.

[ He keeps thinking about contingencies and keeps failing to come up with any. ]

You might be able to stop Nick from being punished by anyone other than you, but that is all, as far as I'm aware.

I know.

[ He says it softly, accepting that though it doesn't make it hurt any less. He can't hide that, and with Ragnor he wouldn't. He hadn't seen a reason to hide things from him at all. ]

I know that too. They want us to believe those contracts matter but in the end, they really don't. Not to them. Only in so much as they matter to us.

But at least this time, best I can tell, he wasn't being punished. Just used.

[ He was just part of the means of punishing another. ]

Which that they don't give us any say in.

I do wonder if adding specifics to a contract would do anything. I asked Magnus to add that I have to be present for any citations involving him, but it hasn't yet been tested. Hopefully it won't be.

[ He doesn't actually remember what else they put in his contract. Ragnor was drunk at the time, and he trusted Magnus to handle it. ]

That's a good addition. I'll talk to them about it. It might not do much if they drag Nick in like they did, since that wasn't his citation. Every bit we can try and be there for one another might help though.

Thank you for that.

Playing by their rules and protecting each other as best as we can is all we can do.

[ Which is something Ragnor can handle. He's old and he's done it before, but younger people and idealists can't roll with the punches as easily. ]

I just want to do it right this time. I did for Margo, I believe that but those six months...

[ He shakes his head just thinking about that. ]

I wasn't protecting anyone and I wasn't being protected. I want to give Nick more than that.

_{[This absolutely was not intended for Kyle by any means. It was meant for someone else, someone used to her weird antics and, at times, strange philosophical questions. Someone she's contracted to.]}

so ive been thinking...why is it called peanut butter
there isnt even any dairy in it dont you need milk for butter
humans are so weird when it comes to how they name things
anyway...can you pick up more peanut butter on the way home please
im tired and i want some for toast in the morning
we can have sex if you do

[Kyle stares at that for a minute, unable to help but to smile. She's such a sweet girl, even if he still worries about her. ]

you know that's a good point.
though i think it's all about the spreading and nothing else.

you know, you had me until the sex. i could bring you some but, uhmmm, i mean, not to offend you but i'm really not in the mood right now.

ah
youre not tsurugi youre that doctor
sorry
we dont have to have sex thats ok
i was just trying to bribe my boyfriend

_{[W h o o p s.]}

yeah but lots of stuff spreads
like cream cheese spreads and its not butter
same with jam or marmalade
why isnt it peanut jam

oh! oh that makes so much more sense.
though he should just be thankful you want to. even if peanut butter is a good bribe, I agree.

Maybe it's the fats in them? Butter and nuts have fat but fruits don't?

he should be thankful its true
youre not wrong
oh maybe it is the fats...i never thought about it like that

I hadn't either, but you got me thinking about something.
Thank you for that.
Though that means things like mayo are a butter then as well. Egg butter?
Okay nope. That is weird to think about.

i did
really?
usually i give people headaches but youre welcome
egg butter sounds disgusting
and i love eggs
like a lot

You're sweet, and if people don't see that, it's their problem.

[ He thinks seriously misguided and maybe, probably abused, but she's sweet. ]

Yeah, I need to never think about it like that again.

_{[Definitely misguided and definitely abused.]}

thanks
im used to being the problem haha
mayonnaise is good though
one time i ate a whole jar of it

You haven't been to me.

...
Okay even knowing you're not human either, you know that's probably not good for you, right?

im glad i havent been
i dunno
its not like i get fat
my metabolism is really fast
sometimes i eat things though and feel kind of gross
but usually thats if i eat too much
i can eat a lot of things that would make people really sick

Yeah, me either.
I still go for runs and work out though.

Can you eat though? I know I can but some others say they can't.
Which would suck.

What kind of things?

i can eat
i need blood to be healthy but i love eating
i love food
uh i can eat rotten meat

_{[Probably a better way of saying 'I can eat dead people'.]}

Me too. I still love eating.
It makes me feel closer to my humanity.

Why would you do that? I mean, even if you can?

im glad you can still eat

its all i was given to eat for a very long time

By who? Who would do that to you?

a human scientist who wanted to separate my twin and i at birth and turn us into an experiment
he locked me up for fifty years

[ Well that explains some of the things she endures here in Duplicity. ]

You know you deserve better, right?

oh i know
thats why i slaughtered him as soon as i got out

[ That isn't what he meant, but he can't fault her it either. ]

You know now as well, right?

mm yeah i know
no one is allowed to treat me like an animal ever again

It's not just that either, Diva. But you have to set your own boundaries.

what do you mean

Just some things you've said before.
Just makes me worry for you.
I worry about people. It's a thing I do.

you worry about me
really
you must be a really kind person

Of course I do.
You're a nice person.

before coming here the only people who worried about me were those who were bound to me by virtue of me siring them
even here i dont know how many people actually worry about me
most of the ones i knew for sure did are gone

Well know there's people that worry and hope you're doing okay.

yeah
i will try to remember that

attachment01.mov

Is this punishment for not hitting you up after the Clockhouse?

If it is, trust that I've not learned my lesson and you should try harder.

[ It feels almost normal to make a joke like that, even as he still tries to cope with what he's facing. ]

shit
shit I'm sorry

Not what I meant to send. Obviously. Not that I mean to send anything.
I didn't think they would let you have your device in jail...

Oh. Well. I'm not complaining, if that helps.

[ Jokes and smiles are the only thing keeping him through this. Or at least he's trying. ]

I think they did so I could keep in contact with my submissives. They're concerned about my care for them.

[He can't bring himself to hide things. They've proven there's no point in that. ]

... I guess I can understand that. From their perspective.

Can I ask? About the video?

Yeah. I'll be as honest as I can about it.

Why?

Did he do something to you? Was he cruel to someone else? What did he do to deserve that?

He didn't do anything and I won't lie about that. I spent every day I could begging his forgiveness and doing everything for him after I came back to myself.

I was sirebound and new and the city ordered us apart. I freaked out. I broke. He, my sire, had already done things to leave me shattered and I just broke. My entire system basically shut down. All emotions gone. I couldn't remember why I should care. It is still horrific to think about.

[ Rowan takes some time to think about that before he responds. He's turned off like that, in a way, too. Probably not to the same extent as Kyle here. Or perhaps the same.

Rowan's been well-trained, though. He doesn't really think Kyle was meant for this, not like Rowan is. ]

so this is a vampire thing.
you were made. and then you did what vampires do.

What some vampires do, yes. I don't want to be that kind of vampire though.

No one deserves to be treated like that. I regret my actions and I'll be doing what I can so it never happens again.

[ Those messages come fairly quickly. There's a break before the last one. ]

Thank you for asking though. I wish I had a better answer.

no. we can all change. but it takes time and sometimes help. your help was taken from you.

[ He doesn't judge, though he does worry now that Kyle will break again. He needs to be taken care of, stopped but not in the way that Rowan knows. He needs someone else. ]

It's an answer that makes sense to me. sorta. so it's fine.

It was, but then I put all of myself into one person and that allowed it to happen. It's something I won't ever do again.

[ And he's working on that. Reaching back out to old friends he had closed himself off from, making new friends, letting himself care though he had at one time been determined not to do it at all. ]

Which I know is all about showing not telling.
I'm glad it makes sense to you though.

or at least make sure the person you put yourself into like that is better, worth it. doesn't sound like he was.

I don't pretend to understand all about vampires but I get what you're saying at least.

True. It's hard to admit sometimes but you're right. If I ever get to that point, I think I have a handful of people that are going to ensure it's better.

You probably know about as much as I do? Okay I might know a bit more.

[ He has memories of so much more, but not the experience with so many things. ]

[Attachment]

I guess you'll just need to come over and see how far down they go.

Uhmmm... you look beautiful

But I really can only have visitors right now and probably not the best idea.

You're really going to make me put my panties back on and come to you?

I'm in jail.

I can have visitors but not that kind of visitor.

[Jail...?]

Wait. Who is this?

Kyle Valenti. Doctor at Haven.

You?

The woman accidentally propositioning you?
Jadzia Dax.

In fairness in this town that isn't entirely unusual?
The pleasure is mine.

Point taken.
Although perhaps it has given you some distraction while in jail.

It actually has. Thank you for that.
Which sounds horrible, I know. Note sure what to make of this place sometimes.

It's not even close to the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me over the years.

hi
hello
can i please bring this home if i promise he doesnt eat cats
michael already said yes

attached: VENGABOYS.mov

there's an opener.
so i go away and you replace me with a creature?
am i insulted here?

do we know what it is?
which is not a no. okay? just curious.

i mean u have never once danced for me to be fair

i know he's friendly?
there's heaps at the shop they've been there for a few weeks
if they were gonna do something dangerous they would have by now
he eats junk food if that helps

that's because you haven't seen me dance.
are you sure you want that?

are you trying to bribe me with a snack food buddy?

well obviously now i want to

if it's working yes
his name is chester he loves cheetos and he's the best

Yeah well only if I get a chance to blow you after to make you forget.
Only fair.

Where will it be sleeping?

ok well i just keep winning
absolutely i agree to ur terms

uh well it just sort of sleeps in my hood or my pocket a lot at work so i was just gonna
get it something for my room

I know. I drive hard bargains.

Just wondering if I'm going to try and kiss you and get grabbed. By not you.

don't think i'm gonna forget about that now that's basically a promise

listen i'm a parent that is just a risk ur gonna have to learn to accept
he's so cute

Absolutely a promise. I want this.

If I knew this was a risk, I'd have worn condoms.

Seriously though, I really am okay with your kid. Okay?

dancing + bjs cannot wait

kyle i am really sorry i should have told u sooner......the baby daddy is an eldritch horror ur not the father baby i'm so sorry dont call maury povich we can work this out

:) ok good bc i love him

What? you're telling me now? how could you?!?!

I... I'll still love him like my own.

i wasn't ever gonna tell u not when he came out looking just like u 😭😭😭😭
ur the father he's always needed i swear no one's gonna be a better daddy than u

I... I promise to cherish him like my own.
He can even have my name. But his "real" daddy comes back and I'm fighting.

Got a minute?

For you, always.

[ And while he's been trying to act like he's normal and there for everyone, he means it with Margo. ]

I saw that video. How are you holding up?

I'm doing okay. Jail sucked, realignment is kind of not entirely horrible.

I'm going to be okay though. So long as you don't hate me now having seen it.

Kyle, I could never hate you. I was worried. That's all.

I'm going to be okay. Promise. Most seem to have let it go, honestly.

[ He hopes. ]

I really do regret it happened.

I don't mean this in a way that minimizes what you're going through, but we all have things we regret. Some are worse than others, but eventually it all fades. You'll feel better in time. I still see you as my wonderful, lovable brother no matter what you do, though.

I have enough time for it to fade. Least there's that

I'm glad to hear that, Margo. You have been such a huge part of my life and I don't want to lose that.

are ̸̗̓y̶͙̎o̸̜͑u̵̪͐ ǵ̶̲e̸͍̅ț̸̓t̴̉ͅi̵̧̋n̷̝̈́g̸̡̊ ̴̛͜t̵̙̕ĥ̶̭ḙ̴̕se????

s̵̨̬͚͍̪̮̯̞̟͑̓̾͐͛̉͝͝o̵̧̩̝̖̮͖͙̎͒́̍͒̓͂̐̇́̍̇m̷̡̤̣͓̣͈͔̝̈́̀̈́̎̏́̉e̸̡̩̩̞͓͕̰̣̲̥̜̊̈̀̈́̑̃̊̽͆͝͝.̵̧̱̫̱̊ ̵̥͖̼̌̈́̋̓̃̂̚͠ͅa̸̪̖͙̓̿̅̈́͑͛̐̋͑͠r̴̲̭̳̳̫̟̹͍̕e̵̢̺̣̗͙͉̥͙̣̝͙͑ ̸̮̟̜͖͛̆̐͒͐̄y̷̨͇̘͎͕̏̓͑̍͝͝ͅò̴̧̬̦͎̳͍̺̥̬̩̻́̓̉́͜ủ̶̥͍͙̺͇ͅ ̸̢͖͍̭̀́̊́̈́͠ő̴̧̢͎̬͇̱̣͚̋ͅk̸̨͓͔̼̫͌ͅ?̷̻̣͚̻͙̘̭͋͊̓͐͆ͅ

where u,
are still at i'm
down?

I'm in the... been staying close to... are you...

So. You should probably know if he hasn't already told you. I went on a date with Guerin. ...at your place, actually.

Actually you told me. When you told me that Bass was hurt.

It's his place too.

Right. With the shift in topic, I almost forgot it started with me mentioning the date. Besides, we hadn't actually been on it, yet, at that point. That's when we decided we wanted to.

I know it's his, too. I just thought it sounded dramatic.

I just never want him, or Nick, to ever feel this was my place and not ours. Sorry, that's me just wanting them as comfortable as I can in this place.

I hope this all goes well for you.

[ Because he remembers talks with Bass, and he worries for Alex's sake. ]

Well, Nick was a fierce protector of the door and Guerin looked completely comfortable in the kitchen. I really don't think you have to worry about either of them thinking the place doesn't belong to them.

Good. This damn crazy place has one advantage to giving us a place to try and make our own.

Nick as a protector makes me smile. Maybe if he starts eating right he could be.

Do you know if he has any ---- experience?

[ The sound, even in the hospital, is nearly deafening. The entire building shakes and the lights flicker. He hears voices rising and heads out to try and get answers. ]

Manes, what's going on?

[ He sends more, asking if he heard that. Could he see anything from where he was? And then where was he. He hasn't a clue none of it went through. ]

some are saying

going to look for

what

okay?

Kyle, fucking

Kyle

[ Et al. until he gets a coherent answer back ]

[Sent on about the sixth try after deleting and starting again and again and so forth.]

Hi. You probably don't remember me since last week was insane and you probably saw a ton of people. But my name's Billy, you wrapped up my wrist and cleaned up my cheek.

I don't really know any other doctors here and I don't have a Dom or anything so I don't have any money, so I was wondering if you have any recommendations of where to go for meds. Like anti-depressants and anti-anxiety? I was on them at home and I kept thinking I'd just be home soon but that doesn't seem to be happening so I should probably figure it out but I don't know if you can even do that here but I figured you'd know?

Sorry to bother you.

Oh the hospital said I could text you here, I didn't just randomly stalk you.

I do remember you. I bullied you into staying and letting me help. You were kind enough not to storm out on me.

Let's start with this. Feel free to text me any time. Day or night. About this place or about medical needs. You are never a bother, okay?

I know of a few sources, both holistic as well as pharmaceutical that could help with your needs. On a generic level. I would like to talk to you about it, such as what you were on before, what kind of depression you are living with, and so on and so forth.

I also would note that if you had been seeing someone to talk to about these things, I know there are several therapists here that you might be looking to speak with if you need that as well.

I wouldn't say bullied. More like convinced? Talked into maybe? And I would have just waited until you turned around and teleported probably if I was going to sneak out. But I didn't!

Okay. That's really nice, so thanks.

Uh, I don't know what kind? I was on Celexa and I had Ativan for panic attacks. I can never remember what the dose was, but I only took it once a day and the Ativan when I was freaking out or something.

I was sort of between therapists. If I went home my therapist would have tried to kill me. It's a long story. But I think just meds will be fine. I haven't seen anyone for a while anyway.

You didn't, and I appreciate that. It's hard being a traditional doctor in this place sometimes.

Okay. I can work with that and give me a day or two? I'll consult with someone else about the best equivalents here and we should be able to help you out.

It's just a recommendation. I can say it's been really helpful for me here.

If it makes you feel better, there's always a time when powers or magic or something doesn't work and then you need the real doctors and not just people with glowy hands. Once there was a mutant who could reverse powers and someone tried to heal around them and ended up making the wound twice as bad. So people who can do things without powers are always going to have work!

Sure. I'm fine I'm not going to jump off bridge or anything. And also I can fly if I did anyway. I just want to get ahead of it you know? Before it gets worse.

I'll think about it? Is that okay?

Knowing what they can do to people around here, I try and remember that. At any time they can apparently stop others from accessing their powers.

Also that's awful. That sounds like a rough ability to have to live with.

I completely understand and I'm glad you're doing that. This place is rough enough as it is.

Of course it's okay. I just want you to feel secure for as long as you're here. With yourself, at least. Can't always feel secure about this place.

Yeah. Mine got shut off for a while. It kind of sucked.

They weren't really on the good side of things, but it probably is. I think they can turn it on and off though.

Okay. Well I'll think about it. And thanks for looking into the meds for me. I appreciate it.

Completely? Damn. I'm sorry. And least there's that for them. I couldn't imagine if you couldn't.

I'll get back to you soon. We'll make sure you're okay here. As best we can.

Yeah. SIN had these guns during the riots? They just shut them off for like half a day. Someone helped me get away, but it wasn't fun.

Thanks again.

[Sent some time later.]

Hi, me again. So um, this is weird. But you know how everyone talks about aphrodisiacs and how the city can drug you and stuff like that?

Can people like just get those? Like for themselves?

Oh God. Those. Yeah. I got hit with one of those just before being knifed in the side. No healing and out in the middle of nowhere. Took a lot to get me back to where it was better.

Glad you had someone to help you.

[ It's not a question that he's expecting, and yet it is one he has an answer for. ]

I know someone to get them from. Grown from local plants and like the ones they make but you would know what was in it and that it's only meant to do that one thing. I can direct you to them or get them for you.

Whichever you prefer.

Can you maybe do it? I can't buy stuff but I can ask my brother for the money for you.

Oh wait, is that asking you to like illegally buy it for me? Never mind, just tell me where and I'll ask Tommy to do it and he can just laugh forever. Thanks.

It's not illegal. Doms can buy things for subs and I'll get it taken care of for you.

I'm not making you ask your brother and deal with laughter. I'll get it for you.

Okay. I'll pay you back ... or I can do errands or something for you?

The laughing isn't that big a deal though, he does it anyway.

We'll work something out, okay? And not in the Duplicity way. I don't help others for sex.

Don't care. I'm still here to help.

Okay. Thanks. ~~I mean if you'd wanted to. . .~~

Thanks for being nice.

You're welcome. Trust me that it's always how I'm going to try and be here. So just ask if you need anything.

I will. And if you need anything I can do then just ask too.

( it's late in the evening when louis sends a text: )

It seems things have more or less settled for now.
How have you been holding up?

More or less. It's Duplicity though so only for so long.
Which is being down, I know. Sorry for that.

I'm doing okay. How are you? I'm glad you texted.

You needn't ever apologize to me for a melancholy outlook. You're right, of course — I only wish that I knew some way to prepare for whatever may come.

I am doing as well as I can be, all things considered.
If I may be melancholy myself, the most difficult part was coming back to an empty house.

Oh, Louis. I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Is there anything I can do to help?

You're not being melancholy though. You're dealing with a lot, more than many are.

Oh, thank you for saying so. I don't know what would help, but it's a relief just to speak to someone.

He was my sire, and my beloved. We were contracted. I had been alone for so many years, and when I found him again in my world, it felt like I was coming back to life.

I need to sell my house, and I need to find new employment. But those things feel so meaningless now.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm always here to listen.

I hadn't realized that was who you were with here. I really am sorry. You didn't deserve losing him.

You're going to hold yourself together. You're going to rely on your friends, myself included. We're going to help you get through it.

Who's to say what I deserve? I feel like such a fool for thinking that I could find happiness in a place like this.

I don't think it's being a fool. I think it's clinging to happiness when you can find it.

If you are forever worrying about it going bad, you never do anything for your happiness. And I'm going to say you deserve that.

You are kind to say so. Even so, I have more than half the population of this city does, and all because I lack a mark around my neck. I don't deserve happiness more than they do. Perhaps this is some cosmic reminder of that.

I wasn't thinking about the marks. I was thinking about how much it hurts to know you're going through this.

There's no cosmic reminder here. Just their games.

Do you think any of it means anything? The games they play with us?

To them? No, I don't. I think it's amusement for them.

But that doesn't mean we can't hold to what it means for us. It doesn't make it any less because for us this is our life for however long we're here.

And we forget everything at the end, or so they say. So this really is all there is while we're here.

Then cherish what you can have here, and know that the pain will be gone when you leave.

( an unhappy pause. )

I've never had to consider the quota before.

Oh. I hadn't thought about that for you. It's been nearly a year since I've worried about it.

Don't let yourself end up punished by them, Louis. I know you're not interested, but if I can help, let me know.

[ At least he assumes he isn't after what happened at the hospital. ]

Oh, Kyle, that is almost unbearably kind of you to offer. I'm truly touched. I don't know how to express my gratitude, but please know that I feel it from the bottom of my heart.
It isn't that I'm not interested, or rather... it isn't you that I'm not interested in. I think you are generous and thoughtful and handsome and appealing, and I think if my thoughts were not such a tangle, I would find you almost impossible to refuse.

( which is to say, louis is well aware that kyle is the sort of vampire he might develop romantic feelings toward, if things were different. if the timing was better. or perhaps if louis just had better taste in men. )

How do I put this without sounding prudish?

One peculiarity of vampires in my world is that we cannot experience intimacy as humans do. That is to say, since we as a species do not reproduce through natural means, we lose both the urge and the ability to have sexual intercourse. The desire for closeness is still there, but the instincts I have now are so different than when I was a man. Some vampires take mortal lovers, and play at what they used to have... but for 200 years, the only physical intimacy I ever had was when I felt my mortal victims' lives slip away.

The powers that be here in Duplicity have restored my body's ability, but my desires remain unchanged. It has never been an easy thing for me to be close to someone. I don't know why.

[ He hadn't offered to hear such things, but it is comforting to hear in a way. Just in knowing that what had happened at the hospital hadn't been as it seemed. It's a guilt he's held since then, that he had, in a way, pushed himself on another. The very thought of it has bothered him since then so it's a small relief to have.

Yet it doesn't make him worry less about Louis.

So he reads what has been sent, and then reads it once more. How sick of the powers that be to bring him here, force him into this and know how he feels about intimacy and sex?

He sighs, considering his answer. ]

I'm so sorry they've put you in this position, Louis. It's not anything you should have to face, or that you should need to endure.

It doesn't matter why. All that should matter is how you feel. Sadly, this place doesn't see it that way and we both know they aren't going to accept that either.

What about feeding though? Without killing, but in taking blood from another. It's about what brings pleasure and if you could feed from another and use that to bring them to release, than it would count as quota.

I suppose you're right. That is something to consider.

God, I'm so sorry — I know you didn't ask to hear any of this, but I wanted to explain myself to you. I was so reticent with you in the hospital, and I've felt terribly guilty ever since.

I've only ever shared blood with a handful of people, you see. And it has always been in the context of, well, romance. And with Lestat so recently gone, and things as chaotic as they were, and my own loneliness and fear... I was afraid that I would taint one of the few purely good things I've ever done as a vampire with my own selfish instincts.

I'm still so glad you came to me. I truly am.

I don't mind being here for you though. If I can help just by being someone to talk to, or help with your hunger or anything, I'm here for you.

You don't need to feel bad about that. You were being kind and generous to me, and I respect your desires and what you want and don't want.

I'm going to ask this and you don't have to offer or to talk about it, but does feeding from other vampire's give you the sort of pleasure that would help with making your quota?

Because sharing with you isn't tainting anything. It's helping a friend. Just as you helped me. And thank you for that. It means a lot to me you were there for me.

( this much unexpected kindness when he's feeling so down and so alone — louis doesn't know what to do with himself. it takes him a moment to compose a response, especially with the sudden tears springing to his eyes. )

I don't know. I suspect it would, but I've never allowed myself to try. We gain power through the blood of those stronger and older than ourselves, you see, and I have seen the toll that the change takes. I want no part of it.

I can't blame you for that, Louis. I know how it feels to want no part of the way others live. There could be others here besides myself who are younger than you.

You'll find a way to not have to be drugged by them. You'll figure out something. We'll figure out something.

[ He's known those that have been through it, and he doesn't want that to be something that Louis goes through either. ]

I'm glad that you understand so much of what I mean without my needing to explain. You've given me much to consider, and I thank you for that.

I have no plans to be disobedient, at any rate. I loathe the system on principle, but there are far worse things they could ask of me. It's only that I haven't had to think of it before.

( and it's a reminder of who he's missing. but that feels like too much to say. )

Just know that here, especially, you don't have to be part of their lives. You aren't alone in this and we'll find a way to get you through things.

I'm glad. I hate having to go along but wouldn't want you to go through that.

You've been so kind to me, though you hardly know me at all. I really can't tell you how grateful I am.

I would like to get to know you better. I will strive to keep my sullen demeanor in check when we next meet, so that we may discuss lighter topics.

You don't need to tell me, but you're welcome. I think the only way we're really going to get through this place is by being kind to one another.

I'd like that to, but just know that you don't have to be any certain way. Okay? You're going through a lot but we'll discuss other things and get to know one another.

Yes, that sounds perfect. I only wish that there could be a better equivalent to asking another vampire out for drinks.

There is a vampire bar that offers vampiric refreshments as well as a full bar. My sire took me a few times.

At least there was. I haven't been there in six months.

Do you mean Fangtasy?

I believe so? I'll be honest the nights we went there I wasn't entirely focused on much of anything. It was my early days and I was kept in a very hyperfocused mood.

Hyperfocused?

It may have changed hands in the intervening time... My daughter, Claudia, co-owns it now.

My siring created a bond that left me entirely and wholly focused on my sire. His wants and desires were pretty much all that mattered then.

Oh. I hadn't realized. Both in the ownership and your child being here. Is she doing well here?

That sounds like pure hell. My first nights as a fledgling — my first months, really — were overwhelming in a way that no mortal experience could have prepared me for. To have your sire take advantage of your heart and mind during that time... God, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Claudia is doing well, I think, at least as much as any of us can be said to be doing well here. In many ways, she is afforded more freedoms in Duplicity than she ever would have been in our world.

Only in looking back on it. I truly believed it was the best for me at the time. I knew from the memories that it was easier for me than for others, but I hadn't realized exactly why. Not how much control there was being exerted over me. At least until it wasn't there.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm doing so much better now though.

I've noticed it's that way for many. It's why I want others to have a say in where they live, but also just not send everyone back to their own worlds.

In my world, she has been dead a century. If she can find another chance somewhere, somehow, then all of this will have been worth it.

Where would you go, if you could? Your own home, or somewhere else?

I'm so sorry, Louis. I'm glad you guys have here then.

That's a hard question. There was a time, with my ex, I knew I would stay here with him. He was dead back home. Now, I don't know. I care deeply about someone who isn't from my world and my best friend is from my world but far as we know, I would be the only vampire.

It seems inevitable that we'll be pulled in different directions the longer we stay here, and the more people we come to care about.
How would you feel about that? Being the only vampire?

Inevitable maybe but there's also the possiblity maybe one day of being able to either make this place better, or to return with others to their homes.
If I had the same people there that I do here? I'd be okay with that I think. Never had to do it though so I can't be sure.

Perhaps it would be best that way, if everyone around you understands you and accepts you as you are.

It's one of the reasons despite it all that I'm comfortable here. I rarely have to hide all that I am.

I understand that. It was a shock coming here and realizing that it didn't matter at all!

I had to be very cautious, especially during the years that I was on my own. I went almost two centuries without ever revealing my true nature to a mortal. But as time went on, and vampires became ever more a thing of film and fiction, it was easy enough to hide in plain sight.

I guess there's that if I ever go back. I can just pretend to be a overzealous wanna-be and develop a following.

I never got the movies. Not until I met one. It's still odd thinking that I may live that long.

The story of my life was published in paperback. The only ones who believed it at all were other vampires.

You let someone publish your story?
I guess that isn't a horrible idea of ways to be part of things despite it all.

I don't exactly know what I expected to come of it. I met a young reporter in a bar one night, and when he asked me what I did for a living, I told him what I was. It was really just a whim, letting him interview me. Borne of loneliness, perhaps, or recklessness, or a combination of the two.

I meant it as a cautionary tale, but of course he was enchanted. We parted on poor terms that night, and I did not expect I would see him again.

( louis had left him for dead, really. )

I was rather surprised when a year or so later I saw his account of the night had made the bestseller list.

I wonder what would have changed in my life if I had known you before I made that choice. Or read the book.

Did they do you justice and be fair about the things you told them?

It depends, I suppose, on what led you to that decision. I often wonder myself whether I would have been able to make any other choice, even knowing everything that would happen. I truly don't know.

It was entirely fair, yes. The entire interview was tape recorded... if there is any editorializing, it is merely to describe what it is like to see a vampire through human eyes.

... Probably wouldn't have changed things, unless it was before that moment. By then I cared too much and was too devoted. I wouldn't have chosen otherwise.

How did he see you?

And I believe that I had made my choice before I even knew that there was any choice to make. At least we're the same breed of fool in that way.

How to put it? That boy saw me in the same way that many mortals imagine our kind: possibility made flesh. I wanted him to recognize me for the monster that I was, but in that task I failed miserably.

Were you given a choice when it happened?
Least we're not in it alone.

Did you ever think that perhaps there's a reason for that?

I came to it willingly. I was near death at the time - I thought I wanted that - and Lestat came to me and offered this eternal life instead.

A reason? I'm certain the boy thought he could do it all better than I had. That he could learn from my mistakes and not repeat my tragedies, and that the toll it took on me would never burden him.

Not much different than my own story. I wonder how often that is the case.

Was he made a vampire?

A person does have to die to become what we are. It makes sense that it would be a thing done out of desperation and questionable judgment.

I found out much later that he was indeed turned, though it was not done by me. I left him next to death that night to show him what I was and he still was not deterred.

Sadly also fantasy and desire. At least in my own. Foolishness as well.

I saw a 1000 years of murder and pain and destruction and I still did it. No matter what you tried, you couldn't stop it.

But you're saying you didn't kill him. You can harm and not kill then?

[ It was something they have talked about, and something that he wants to be able to help him with. ]

My intention was to attack him, rather than to feed upon him for my own satisfaction. I suspect that is the reason why he lived, as I have only recently had any success with purposeful feeding.

Did he go intentionally to someone else to do it?

He did. And I still feel responsible for it.

Oh. Oh Louis. I'm sorry. That is still not your fault though. He is responsible for his own choices.

As we all are, in the end.

But sometimes even our mistakes shouldn't hold us down for the rest of our lives.

A mistake is one thing, but knowing and purposeful evil is another.

You tried to scare him away from it. How was that knowingly evil?

Then at the very least it was unthinking evil, done in service of my own misery. I didn't think of him at all when I used him as my makeshift confessional... I never even asked the boy his name. He would have gone on living his life never knowing that he shared the world with things like me.

And I went on to kill again, just as I always had.

You shouldn't be so quick to absolve me.

I'm not trying to absolve you. I'm telling you that your past doesn't mean you're irredeemable.

You're a kind man, Kyle.

I've witnessed a 1000 years of horror in a moment. I may be young, but I also know that with enough time we have to learn to accept who we can be more than who we've been.

Thank you though. It's the one thing I really hope to always be.

are u busy

Never too busy for you. What's up?

u say the sweetest things
i'm bored i think i wanna tattoo my ankle
thoughts?

The truth, nothing more.
I think stabbing yourself repeatedly out of boredom is maybe not your best choice?
But also what would you do?

[ A few minutes later another text comes in. ]

Shame you can't tattoo mine.

when u put it like that it sounds a bit crazy person i'll give u that
but also consider — if i don't like it i can just get rid of it

like a lil cactus or something wouldnt that be cute

can u get tattoos w ur healing vibes?

You can really just get rid of it? Well then, if you don't mind that kind of pain.

it's you. Course it would be cute.

Nope, not that I know of. My last only stayed until I got rid of it because I got it while I was human.

if i do it quick enough, if its older theyre a lot harder to wipe

you should ask nate i bet he could whip u up some weird mojo that would help, he's a million times better at this shit than me
shame bc i could do u one too

how quick do you have to work on them to get rid of them?

I'll talk to him. I'd let you do it if it would stick.
What would you want to do?

couple of weeks? its not impossible after that i don't think that's just the oldest i've tried and it was a pain in the ass

like. look. you should get a professional to tattoo u i think we both know mine are garbage but it also sounds like fun
something cute too. i can do an alright flower :)

Do you enjoy the pain that much? Because I can think of a few toys to use on you if you do.
Like a wartenberg pinwheel.

It's because you did it, not because I want to brand myself again. It went so well with the tattoo for him, didn't it?

yes. we should definitely do that. it's not a horny thing i just like tattoos (but we should definitely do that if i wasn't clear)

( he types and deletes a few things in response to that, the dot dot dot's appearing and disappearing for a couple of minutes, and then: )

i'm in my room come bother me when u get a chance
doors open

We can definitely do that. Just to spend a few hours teasing and tormenting you until you're begging.

Sure. When I get a chance.

[ He actually makes himself wait. A few minutes. Just taking a bit of time and making himself move at normal human speed to not just rush there.

So it's a few minutes or so before he pauses at the door before pushing it open. ]

Was bother meant to be code for show up naked? I wasn't sure.

Shockingly, no. Definitely later.

( he grins from his spot on the bed, sat with one leg stretched out in front of him and the other twisted so his ankle rests on his thigh. he wasn't joking about the tattoos out of boredom idea it seems, because there's a tattoo needle in his hand and a bottle of ink on the bedside table.

nick motions to a spot on the bed next to him, with that stupid kind of smile that's exclusively reserved for kyle, ducking his head quickly to keep that to himself. )

Do you want a new tattoo?

( conversationally, like it's not touching on a very heavy topic they've never really discussed before. )

Oh good. Hate to show up overdressed.

[ Grinning as he comes closer though, moving to settle down onto the bed comfortably to not mess up what Nick is doing.

He considers the set up, frowning slightly as he thinks about it. ]

The pain really doesn't bother you? I mean, mine was huge but it was done with a gun and, honestly, I was wasted and half given up when I got it. I don't remember much of it.

[ His gaze lifts to Nick's face. ]

I like the idea of you doing it. Otherwise I haven't really thought about it, especially once I washed ashore.

I only ever do little ones on myself, I'm not that good with pain.

( there's a few examples littered around his body to demonstrate the point — the wonky stick figure on the inside of his elbow, the little smiley face on his knee. he looks vaguely amused about it, like nick's pain tolerance is an inside joke for them.

nick thumbs over the small sketch he's traced out on his ankle, then glances back over briefly at kyle. he waits a moment to respond though, until he's dipped the end of the needle into the ink pot and starts to push it into his skin along the line he'd drawn out. )

You don't really talk about it. The tattoo.

( the ex, either. he doesn't really know how to bring things up, but gently dangling the topic while he's doing something else is as good a start as any. )

You seem fine with it when it's me pinning you to a wall.

[Because the joke is easy despite the way there's edges to this talk of so much more. Yet they're just being there, together. Kyle is telling himself all the time it doesn't matter what it's called or anything else. Just what it means to them.

He sees the cactus, thinks about home, tries not to let himself think too much of it. Or too much about how it makes him feel.

He falls quiet a moment though about something else, about those things he doesn't talk about. Like the really bad times, as if the snap of loss hadn't been the bad times. But it wasn't the worst. ]

I got it to prove how much I loved him. To show I hadn't given up though he had.

[ He's never talked about the break, about what happened a month after they devoted themselves to one another. He knows it is when the lies started, when all the vows had been broken and never renewed. ]

He was cursed, and somehow ended up back home. He lived out the rest of his life. When he came back, he wanted nothing to do with me. I was obviously a mistake after what he had lived through and what he'd done to his family in his life.

[ He watches what Nick is doing, his voice very even and very hollow, but there's new thoughts as he talks about this. About how much of an idiot he had been. ]

He kept coming back, took what he wanted and left. But I was in bad shape. Wasn't eating, wasn't working out, drinking a lot. I got the tattoo at a festival, swearing I would do better, prove I hadn't given up. I stopped drinking, took care of myself. Eventually he got his memories back, opened himself up, and came back.

[ He pauses before adding. ]

I was an idiot.

Your motivation works wonders.

( it would be easy to just keep joking about that, and pretend there's nothing else here to talk about at all. kyle would probably let him, he's always been unreasonably good about letting nick duck away from heavy topics of discussion. too good, really.

but nick wants to know more, even if it means hurtling towards that feeling that things are serious faster and faster. he reaches out the outstretched foot until he can nudge at kyle's thigh, tucking his toes under his leg and nodding as he listens. occasionally he pauses his progress along the line, but he tries to keep working as kyle talks. )

You're not an idiot.

( he says it softly, turns to dip the needle again as he says it. )

You loved him, that's not stupid. If there's an idiot in that situation, it isn't you. Did he ever...do anything like that for you?

[ Kyle knows he's moving more and more away from caring about what happened during those six months. A time when he had been hurt over and over again, and that's not even counting in a physical way. He's realizing more and more that nothing was healthy during that time. ]

I'm still not sure if it was real. At least not when it started. Not after the things I've seen here. But I'm not sure it matters, but I just think about that.

[ He shrugs, even as he runs his hand over Nick's foot, tracing the bones delicately. ]

The festival was a lot about body art. He had a tattoo when he came home. Lyrics from a song and he said he must have gotten them for me but, now? I'm not sure. He shared his memories with me and I know how much he loved two other people, one he swore to love when he came back from being home so I'm not sure truly if it was for me or her. Or hell, the guy he was with when he got it.

I would have sworn I knew then, but there's a lot that happened, and things he didn't think I knew about and lies told and promises broken so I'm not sure anymore.

( he's doing a pretty good job of keeping his eyes on the tattoo he's very slowly etching out into his skin, chewing slightly on the inside of his cheek in the moments where it feels tender and wiping it off with the corner of a nearby towel when the ink gets too messy, but it's hard.

it's hard, because he kind of wants to make sure this guy knows just how stupid he was for ever letting things with kyle fall apart, for twisting something that could have been something good and turning it into what clearly has become a painful memory. he wants to tell kyle he'd never do something like that, he'd never hurt him like that, that he'd never lie like that.

but he can't say that. because they're not together. because this isn't serious. because that's what nick wants. )

You didn't deserve that, ( he says finally, glad for the excuse to frown as he keeps jabbing along the lines. ) I'm sorry. You're...a really good person. Taking advantage of that is fucked up. I hope you told him to go fuck himself.

[ He knows he hasn't talked about a lot of this with Nick, and he knows why too. He doesn't want to scare Nick away with how deeply Kyle feels things, and he doesn't want him seeing just how stupid Kyle had been.

He blames himself for so many mistakes. Not for being with him, for the things that others had blamed him for because he had taken Elijah's word for it. But for the moments he didn't stand up to him, hadn't pushed back. He should have and he knows it, and he's letting Nick see he didn't and that worries him.

Nick's words though make his eyes sting. He's heard it from Michael, and he's started to believe it even. Hearing it from Nick though is something he hadn't hoped for. His hand lightly closes against Nick's ankle, running his thumb along the inside of his leg. ]

Thank you. That means a lot to me. I'm... I'm really coming to realize that I didn't, that I didn't fail him. He failed me.

[ He snorts, shaking his head. ]

Nope. It got worse. Before the city ordered us apart, I ... [ How does he even talk about this to Nick? ] He did something that really hurt me. There was a lot that led up to it that really tore me down but that just kind of broke me.

[ He talks softly, staring at the slender curve of Nick's ankle as his fingers curl against it. ]

I didn't realize until later it was because I was bound to him. I couldn't fight back against him if I had wanted to, and because of that bond I would never want to.

Vicious circle.

( nick needs two hands to do this properly, one to hold the skin taut and one to wield the needle. it's a good excuse to stop him from reaching for kyle immediately, in a way that feels very transparent. it doesn't last long though, he's only halfway done when he pauses, longer this time. )

You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

( he starts, quiet, and then he leans over so that he can squeeze at kyle's wrist. he doesn't even bother trying to mask his expression into something less exposing when he looks at the other man, visibly soft, sad, sympathetic all in one. )

I don't— if it's too hard still— but it's a part of you. Even if what happened to you is fucking awful. So if you want to talk...I'm listening.

[ Maybe it's easiest to have this talk with Nick doing something else. Something he just can't get up from within ruining it. So Kyle focuses on the tattooing and just touches Nick lightly and tries to hold back the darkest parts of his emotions. ]

It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to make you deal with it all.

That tattoo I had? It was craziness. It was the pathetic act of someone obsessed. I really think Michael's right, and that all of those memories basically downloaded into my brain in a blink screwed with my head. You can't see all of that violence and pain and aggression and not have it do something to you.

[ He raises his gaze to look at Nick for a moment before looking back to the tattoo. ]

I'm thankful for Ragnor and separating my emotions from them. It makes talking about this easier.

You're not making me deal with anything, I asked.

( it's not exactly a secret that nick "doesn't do serious", in any form, no matter what it's about. and yet more and more, kyle is the exception to that. nick never would have dreamed of talking about exes with anyone else, but here he is, the one doing the asking, because he wants to know kyle.

he holds his gaze a beat longer before returning to one of the arms of the cactus, and when he frowns he can tell himself that it's because the digging pain of the needle into his ankle is getting to him, and not because the thought of kyle being hurt like that is devastating. )

That's— I'm glad he helped. No one should have to go through that, you deserve better. I hope you know that.

I... I like that you did.

[ It's admitting more than he often does, trying not to tell too much. Yet he is thankful to talk about this with Nick of all people. Even if he doesn't want pity from him, and it sounds like a pity story.

Staring into his eyes for a moment, wanting to pull Nick close, to cuddle in with him. Yet in the middle of his tattoo is the worst time for that. Even as he rubs his thumb along the arch of his foot, not soft but like a massage. ]

I'm beginning to remember that I do. It was hard at first after I got my emotions back. I looked at what I did in that month and decided that everything that happened in the six months I was with him was everything I deserved.

Having my emotions separated from his though has helped. A lot. Having you and Michael here, trusting me after everything? That means a lot too. Thank you.

(screened comment)

Not that I'm aware of at the hospital but I've contacted a couple of people to ask about clinics in the Up.

One of the psychiatrists in town might know of such things. Did your doctor not know of anything?

We never discussed in-patient treatment, and now he's gone. I've got enough meds for now, but they're not really...stabilizing anything.

[Or the opioids are fucking with them. Also a possibility, though the doctors at the hospital knew what he was on before they prescribed the painkillers, so, at least they aren't totally contraindicated. They juat don't seem as concerned about ssubstance abuse here.

He hates admitting that he's feeling unstable, hates even suggesting he's not okay, or that he needs help, but. At least Kyle already knows he's sick...not right...whatever. And bad things happen when he gets unstable, and he does not want that here.]

I suspect it was with the clinic in the Up. I've just checked with them and they do have a program for patients to be seen in house to try and help them with intensive programs.

I can register you for that as your doctor. That also means though that I can't tell Alex while you're there, but I will tell him for you that you're being admitted for an initial evaluation.

I'm still trying to find a doctor that specializes in this and could help you.

We've got to tell Alex something. I can't just....not come home. He might worry. [Especially since Bass has a target on his back. And Alex did seem upset when he almost died, so.]

But I think that'd be good. I promised Alex I wouldn't go back to hurting myself like I used to, but. That's becoming a hard promise to keep, and I do not want to break my promise to him. I don't do that. I keep my word. But my own willpower's been...weak lately.

If the clinic can help me, I'll happily go. Plenty of folks back home would think that's where I belong.

Bass, I'll tell him you've been admitted for treatment and where you're being treated. I'll arrange for him to be able to visit you before things get started and get too rough.

You need to tell him why, and tell him that you came to me. You promised, and you sought help. Tell him that.

This is not locking you away. It's getting you help. You deserve to have help dealing with this place and all that happens here. If anyone else asks, that's all they should be told, but Alex... you need to tell him why you came to me. That's my deal, Bass. That you need to talk to Alex about this. He deserves to know.

He doesn't need to know all the "whys" of it on an existential level. But I can tell him about my symptoms being worse and that I was worried, so I got help. I can do that. There's no need to discuss what set me spiralling. It's not logical or relevant. Just my fucked up brain doing what it always does. I'm supposed to be better. The meds were supposed to stop me doing the same patterns, keep me from fucking this up, too. He's good and I love him, and he shouldn't have to put up with the mess that is me.

But maybe they can fix me, make me better. Maybe I just needed more help than 2x a week could provide, yeah?

So, I'll tell him I came to you for help and this is best for now. At least he'll get a break from dealing with me.

I'm not asking about what made you spiral, Bass. That's between you and a psychiatrist. I'm saying I won't tell him you're a danger, or in need of meds that do more for you. Not without your release. I don't care what Duplicity is, that is not a line I'm ready to cross.

I can tell you now he doesn't want a break, and he is going to want some answers.

That's fine. You can tell him I was worried about being a danger, if that helps him understand. The last time I got like this, when I spiraled and the voices started, people got hurt, *I* got hurt. I would never hurt him in my right mind, but if I snap....and if I'm hearimg the voices through the meds...that's bad, right? And then I'd want to die more than I always do.

When can the clinic admit me?

Okay, I have your permission then so I'll contact Alex and set things up. No one is going to get hurt this time. I'm not letting that happen.

I'm not letting you hurt anyone.

They said this afternoon. I'll text Alex and I can have him meet you there. I'll be coming by to check on you and I'm going to find you someone to take over as your mental health professional.

I just sent him a message with the gist of it, but I don't know all the logistical atuff. When he can visit, if he wants to, or how long it might be. I know in-patient rehab is often 28 days, but this is more than that, or not jusat that, at least.

If it doesn't work...you can just compel me not to hurt myself or anyone else, right? Does compulsion work to override craziness?

Thank you, Kyle. Honestly--I can't say it enough. Could you maybe send Alex a list of what I'm allowed to have in there as personal possessions? I don't really want this t-shirt to be all I've got for however long, and I'm guessing my razor is a non-starter. [Maybe he's never been institutionalized before, but he's seen his fair share of movies.]

Bass, he's likely going to want to. It's been 2 years. Things happen and I'm sure he'll be here for you. I'm hoping that between healers and things they have here you might not have access to back home that we can make it work out in a time that won't keep you away too long.

I've never done that. Ever. I don't know what all I can do with it. I'll try and find out though, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable using that. After the sire bond and being controlled, I just don't know if I can. Or how.

I will. I'll let him know and we'll get you some clothes and, you're right about the razor, but there are electric ones about and with Alex there or me we can help.

You're welcome, Bass. I'm glad we can get this worked out for you. For both of you.

Yeah, you're probably right. It's just not been my experience in life. Better to be prepared for the worst. Then you don't get blindsided when it happens.

Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.

Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.

Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.

Preparing for the worst means all you focus on is the bad. That isn't healthy for anyone, especially so for someone with mental health issues. You need to start finding positive things to focus on.

I don't want you to hurt anyone, especially yourself, but I've been controlled by another. Looking back on it, it's a horrific feeling. I have no idea what things I did because I wanted to or what I did because he wanted me to. It's terrifying, Bass. Even now.

If it helps with your mental health, we'll find a way to help you with it. That's all part of getting to a healthier place.

I'm contacting a new doctor who may be able to help you. I've got hope in this.

Funnily enough, I do know that, but it's kinda in my actual diagnosis to not be able to do so easily. My doc and I were working on it, with limited success.

I can see how it would be. [Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]

Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.

Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?

Mental health is not my specialty and I'm speaking less as a doctor and more as Alex's friend. I want to see things go well for him.

Thank you for understanding. There's many things I'm capable of that I'm not comfortable with sharing for the safety of others.

[ Like using his blood to heal people. He can't risk them being turned. ]

I've contacted Henry Foster and I hope he'll be in contact with you to try and help with this and seeing if he can figure out ways to help.

I will say it's not about not being honest, it's about realizing the things you can say that are more hurtful than not saying them. If you know you shouldn't say them. Don't make him face things like you ripping your heart out as if that's a show of love. Work with him not against him.

What are you open with me speaking to him about. Right now I can try and reassure him but without your permission, I can't talk about nearly any of this talk. What would you rather I didn't talk to him about?

Edited 2021-05-27 02:59 (UTC)

So do I. All I want is for him to be happy, whatever that takes or looks like. But he's already beating himself up over this.

I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.

You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.

You're going to have to learn, Bass. If you want to make things work all the way around, you're going to have to learn. Even if you think it's not in your nature.

This falls under doctor patient. You started this coming to me as a doctor and it stays that way. I only asked about talking to him to try and pass on things and see what I might be able to help with. If you had said nothing could go beyond this, I would respect that.

I think he might have some good answers, and I'm really hoping it can help you both in the long run. Neither of you should have to live worrying or in fear.

Yes, learning is sort of the point of therapy--I'm not trying to say that I am helpless and can't learn new skills, just commenting it's currently not in my skillset and I might falter along the way of learning how to do things I've never managed before. I've learned a lot in the last couple of years, but navigating these waters wasn't something we covered. Hopefully this Mr. Foster is a good teacher. I'm more than willing to do whatever work needs doing. I just need a guide to show me the way.

Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.

I'm not trying to sound insulting or defeatist. I'm seeing a therapist myself to get past some things that have happened. Here and back home. I just want things to be better for you, Bass. I worry about you and don't want to see you getting hurt. Alex told me about the incident with the gang.

So I'm really hoping this helps and you can find yourself in a better place.

Maybe it's good they know though. So you know there's people here for you.

Sorry - I didn't think you were. I'm just kinda used to people questioning my commitment to being a better person. Or if I'm worth trying to help. Thank you. The gang didn't have anything to do with this. They blindsided me, but I fought them off. I survived. Two of them didn't.

Thanks, me too.

Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.

I don't doubt that you want to be a better person, Bass. I think you can manage this because you have good reasons to do it.

Life changes though. Look around here we are. You have to embrace those changes. If not for your sake, for his.

I'm going to keep giving it everything I have.

I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.

I believe in that. I really do.

I'm sure it does. But there's one thing I'm going to say and you can not like me for it but I feel it needs to be said. As a friend. As his friend.

No matter how many people have hurt you, expecting him to hurt you no matter what he's said and done is calling him a liar. It's saying no matter how hard he works, he will always be circumspect in your mind because of the actions of others. He's losing before he can even try. And that's not fair to either of you.

Why would I dislike you for looking out for him and being a good friend? I know you're right and that was one of the first things the Doc and I worked on. I still struggle sometimes, what with the disorder-born paranoia, but I know he's not them, and I trust him more than I ever thought I would trust again. But letting *other* people see me vulnerable and not expecting them to take advantage, trusting people who say they want to be there for me? That's a different story to make myself believe. I know Alex cares and wants what's best for me. I don't feel certain about that...larger support network. But I would rather you all be there for him, anyway.

Because you do have mental health issues and you are looking for help for them. But in the end, no one deserves to live constantly worrying they're being judged for things they never did. To be punished for the actions of another.

I'm glad you have that trust in him.

That larger support network is only there because we care about him. We all make mistakes. I know that better than anyone. Just know that we're not here to judge you, Bass. We're just here to care about him.

I'm never going to complain about you all supporting and caring about him--or about me for his sake. I'm glad he has you. I appreciate the lack of judgment and that you believe I'm genuinely trying to work on my issues and be better.

( he knows he's being a coward. he knows he's being stupid and reactive and he's pretty sure that he's going to regret this the moment he goes through with it. but there's a nagging voice in the back of his head that says get out, get out, get out and he can't ignore it. not when there's the paperwork literally sat in front of him.

a week ago he would have signed it. now, nick can't even look at it.

they've barely crossed paths all week and that's the worst part, because nick knows it's because of what nick said, but the awful nasty part of him that needs to escape twists that too, until it's hard to see it as anything other than a rejection of it's own. kyle has never pushed nick into anything he didn't want to do, never made him feel uncomfortable, or try to press an issue nick didn't want to engage with, and it makes perfect sense that he would be exactly the same way with this.

but the lonely hours of the middle of the night spent alone in his own bed easily twist it into something its not, until all he can think about is that it's for the best of everyone if he goes. the bedroom door has been magically locked for two days to stop anyone besides nick from coming in or out, so that no one would know when he started packing.

he could leave without saying anything. kyle would probably let him. maybe that would be better than whatever this is, but it still feels cruel. so he does something only slightly better, and sends him a text. )

so i think i'm probably going to go. i'll take chester with me but cullen likes the sun too much so if you don't mind i think he should stay.
i really appreciate you letting me stay here for a bit, it's been fun.

( even after he hits send, there's the icon that indicates nick is still typing for a very long time after, until eventually it disappears. )

[ Kyle stares at the message, the blinking dots, and he waits. Waits for something to make this make sense. Waits for something to make him realize he's not an utter and complete fool.

It never comes.

It takes a while before he can manages a message back.]

if thus iswhat you want then i qwish you luck and hopw you find what youre looking for.

the door is always open and the wardswill always be keyed to you.

Please be carefuk and let me know if you need anything

( there's the dot dot dots again as nick writes and deletes and rewrites and deletes, because there's a hundred things that he wants to say — and a thousand things that he should say — but half the problem is that he can't find the words.

if nick knew how to express even half of what he was thinking properly, he probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. so, as always — when in doubt, he just lies. )

i just think this is the best move for the both of us.
youve got a spare room now, someone else can move in if you want them to.
im going to be fine.
ive got some things sorted out, you don't have to worry about me or anything.

just like. look after yourself ok.
youre a really great guy someones gonna have the time of their life with you.

[ as dumb as it was, Kyle had tried the door and found it locked. He wasn't surprised. Yet he had been so busy with work and his pain and helping others he had what? Missed his last chance to see Nick again? It wasn't as if they weren't both trapped in this city and yet he's sure Nick will see to it. Just like that he was gone and it felt so permanent.

Especially with that next message.

He answers it before he can think.]

im not a good person and maybe i never was.

i hope you find whatever it is youre lookign for.

[ Kyle knows there's no one seeking him out. No one he'll have that time with. He had been right when he had told Michael that he wasn't meant for love, but he had fooled himself again. He needed to accept the truth, no matter how much it hurt. He'd had things fail too many times to think otherwise.]

( this is the part that nick was dreading. he should have waited longer, so he didn't actually have to have the conversation. something caught between guilt and misery shatters, and he's so close to throwing all his resolve away and yanking the door open. he could do it, he could say sorry and beg forgiveness and kyle would probably let him, and they could forget any of this ever happened.

instead he just squeezes the device so tight that his palms ache, feeling a little like he's screaming internally as he runs over the words again and again. because he knows if he opens the door, he'll change his mind, but nick is so convinced that he's making the right choice for all of them. )

it's really not you. it's not. it's me. i need to go. i'm sorry.

( it doesn't make him feel any better, but at least he can try and make sure they're all on the same page about what's happening here. nick is the problem, and he's weeding himself out like a poisonous root. )

Kyle Valenti,

Greetings, and I hope this message finds you well.

My name is Anduin Wrynn. We may not know each other well, but we have served as colleagues at Haven Hospital under the leadership of Anders. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that Anders no longer resides within the city, and so leadership of the hospital going forward has been entrusted to me.

I wish to assure everyone that we will continue to offer our services as we always have, and strive to offer our very best to those who come to us seeking aid. Maintaining a presence in the Down given the recent turmoil is more important than ever before, and you have my deepest gratitude for your contributions in that pursuit.

I understand there may be questions and concerns, and I would like to make myself available to each of you in order to discuss these matters. I would also like to hear your thoughts as to improvements that you believe may be made, as well as considerations towards filling some of the vacancies left behind. Among those include the position of Head Magical Healer, which I will be continuing to to manage until such time as a proper replacement can be found.

You are welcome to reply to this message to arrange a suitable time to meet with me, or to offer what input you may have in the meanwhile. My door will remain open should any issues arrive in the future that you believe require my attention. Know that I value your skills, your knowledge, and your compassion for those we serve, and I will do my utmost to maintain a secure and stable environment for all of us to continue our good work.

Light go with you.

Anduin Llane Wrynn

Evening.

I'm sorry to hear about Anders absence, though I'm glad to think he's gone back to the life he was taken from.

I would be happy to meet with you so we can discuss Haven and how things are, especially now in the Down. There's some things we need to talk about. I'm not sure how much Anders kept in records but as you're in charge, there's things you need to know.

I can't say how much I can help on the magical side of things, but I am here to help as much as I can with that secure and stable environment. As well as safe.

My schedule is fairly open so I can make time whenever works for you.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Kyle Valenti

FUCK.

I've been bitten by whatever the hell these things are going around. Distract me so I won't do what everyone else is doing and posting whatever the hell is on my mind on the public network.

i can try. its not the best of times for me but i'm here for you.

what can i do to help?

No, let's just...ignore my drama. We've been through all but the kiss the other day and nothing's really changed with anything else. Nothing will change until Bass is out.

Why isn't it the best of times? What's wrong?

I don't think the kiss was a problem. Did that add more troubles for you?

Just been dealing with a few things. My own fault. I let myself care about someone even though they said they weren't interested in that and they're avoiding me now. I thought I had gone along well with what they wanted but I guess not.

Depends on how you define 'troubles'. With Bass, no. Though that's as much because I haven't mentioned it yet. I'm trying not to do anything that will disturb him, though I think he's mostly worried about Guerin. You slid under the radar.

Have you tried talking about it? Recent experience has taught that talking might do more harm than good, but it's at least worth a chance. Avoiding seems a little extreme.

That's me. Not really someone who makes that kind of impression on people. Always the quirky sidekick and never the love interest.

Haven't had a lot of chances. I'm trying. I stepped over a line. I can't blame him for it.

I don't know how you went from my tongue down your throat to quirky sidekick, but you're wrong.

Maybe you can't blame him, but should he really blame you for your feelings? We can't help who we fall for. Or who we have complicated feelings for.

[ Did he say something? Of course not. Moving on. ]

I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you're talking about Nick. My odds are 50/50 with the men I know you know who you could be talking about and Guerin would tell you to back off to your face.

Edited 2021-06-02 01:23 (UTC)

It was a general comment. Nothing specific. Don't worry about it. Just feeling cursed, that's all. And not by you or kissing you.

No, but we can control what we do about it. Telling him how I feel not isn't going to fix things. I can only see it making things worse.

Besides, for all I know he's already contracted with someone else.

Yeah, that's who it is. It wasn't meant to be something. I knew that going into the contract. I'll get past it. I've proven good at that.

I just don't want to make things even weirder than they already are. Which I always seem to manage. You finding out I wanted to kiss you was not on my list of things to do to get back to the way they were before.

[ And damn. ]

Now you see why I wanted to talk to someone off the public network.

Look, I saw for myself how much he gave a damn about you when the video came out. When I came over to see how you were doing, he put himself at the door to block the way. It was only when I proved I knew you that he let me in.

Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't YOUR feelings he was running from?

They're not going to be weirder. Least I don't think they will. It was just a bad time for me not about it being you or kissing you. Still a bad time.

All we can do, Manes, is just see how things go and be honest as we can be. This place screws with people. We know that now.

He made it clear he didn't love. He cares about me, just like he does Michael. And Cullen. Okay maybe more than Cullen.

I don't know, maybe, but it doesn't change things. He doesn't want those feelings.

Just throwing it out there? I didn't

[ And the text ends there and his fingers are forced to type another word. Because even if he's admitted his feelings about Guerin, weren't there times in this city when he'd wondered about Kyle? Dismissed, sure, but wondered. After they'd had sex until they stopped talking. Now again over the last few weeks.

But Kyle's treating it like it was no big deal and just a thing that happened, so he's not going to draw any more attention to it, especially since they're talking about Kyle's issues and not Alex's. ]

don't want to admit I had have feelings for anyone but Bass, either. Didn't want to admit I had feelings for HIM for the longest time. And I really know what it's like when it comes to running from those feelings.

Look, I don't pry too hard into Guerin's love life, but I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping with Nick. I'm willing to bet that you are. Or at least were. So I call bullshit on him caring about you like he does Guerin.

Feelings are hard. I spent nearly two-thirds of my life running from them.

You didn't what? Come on. Not now. Talk to me. I don't want us to have to hide things. I don't want to make you feel that way.

[ Because he needs it. He really does. He needs to know where he fits into things, how things are because so much of it is hard for him to not feel like he's out of step, in the way, and he needs to know. ]

You know the funny thing is? I don't know if they are or not. One thing I've learned here is that it doesn't matter to me who else those I care about sleep with. It's about if they're being treated right or not.

But just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them. Or these kind of feelings.

I'm not trying to argue with you. I just don't want to assume, because it already hurts so much.

[ He hadn't thought that texting Kyle when he couldn't lie - was forced, even, to tell the truth - would be that much of a problem. Or maybe he'd done it knowing subconsciously the kind of thing that might come out. Now that he'd admitted to himself and to Bass, even, his feelings for Guerin, maybe it was that much easier to admit that there might be something here, too. ]

Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.

[ Fuck. ]

You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.

[ Despite their teasing and flirting, Kyle has never truly thought about Alex having any kind of feelings for him beyond friendship. A lot of that comes from feeling certain that Alex will never believe in him or trust him again. Not like maybe he once had.

So for Alex to make that admission stops Kyle for a moment. But he gathers himself before typing back. ]

That's only a problem if you would rather not have those feelings. Not that anyone would blame you if you didn't want to feel that way.

Thank you though. I'm trying not to. Maybe he'll change his mind but we'll see. It's just painful even if I know I don't always deserve the happiness I want.

After everything that I've been going through the last month or two, I think it'd be unfair to make anyone else go through that, too.

I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.

If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.

And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?

Everything like what, Alex? We've all been through shit, and we're all still doing our best to be here for one another. Just because you've had a rough time doesn't mean that others who care about you aren't going to be there for you.

It's not even high school that haunts me sometimes. It's things after that. I don't think I don't deserve to be happy though. I just want to be a better person.

Thank you though. I'm trying to work on that. To let go what happened and not let it have anything to do with my life anymore.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

There's a difference between being there for me and being in it with me. Like Guerin is. I think it's unfair for him to be in it and dealing with it, but he's stubborn like that.

I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.

But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.

You do deserve it, Kyle. Of course you do.

I'm not sure I could say I know the difference or ever acted on it, but then I'm the guy that apparently was willing to give up my place at the hospital for the sake of Liz's love for another.

I try and convince myself of that but thank you.

I will say I'm surprised that the two of you never hooked up here.

A combination of having had our time and neither of us looking to repeat that, and a lot of the time she was here I was being monogamous to the point of hiding away.

[ It didn't matter that he'd always love her, it just wouldn't have been right. ]

I suppose that last is true at least.

Hey. So I hope this is still okay to talk to you about. After everything. Which I'm sorry about if it's weird for you but if it's not I'm not that sorry? We can just pretend it never happened if you want though. Or I can find someone else to talk to about meds.

But uh, until then, I think maybe I need to adjust them a little? Or maybe. It's hard to tell if you're mood swinging because you're depression crashing or because this place is doing stuff.

But if you're not comfortable helping me then that's okay.

Billy, hey, I'm here for you. No matter what else happens here, I am still your doctor.

Are you somewhere safe? Out of the water? Are you somewhere in the Up? I can come to you and see you and we can work things out so you're okay.

Okay. Thanks. I just didn't want to put you in a bad position or something. Or make it super weird.

Uh, I'm okay. I mean I live in the Down but there's hotels that say they'll take us if it gets bad, and I could probably stay with my Dom if I had to. But I can get to the Up, I can still teleport.

I've come to terms with living here and being a doctor. For my own sake, if nothing else. If anything makes you uncomfortable though, please tell me.

Do you need a place to crash? We're doing okay and could definitely snag a spot here. We have extra rooms.

I mean, many things make me uncomfortable but I don't think you can drain the Down or punch the Creator in the face. So nothing YOU do makes me uncomfortable.

There's hotels or something they said. But maybe? Who is "we" are are you sure they wouldn't mind?

I'll be happy with that. So long as nothing I do makes you uncomfortable.

We is Michael, Nick and myself. Michael is my best friend and he's currently in a coma, though I keep hoping any day he'll wake up. Nick's my boyfriend and I'll check with him but I don't think he'll mind you crashing there.

You might mind because there's also a cat and a Chester. He's tiny handsy creature.

[ He may spend the next ten minutes gleeing at saying boyfriend. Good thing no one can see him. ]

It doesn't, promise.

Oh, right. I remember, I tried to read him and couldn't. I guess he probably wouldn't notice company. But let me know what Nick says?

... handsy? Like he has hands?

Yep and he won't mind at all. Nick shouldn't mind. He likes company.

A lot of hands. More than normal.

... okay, now I'm just really curious.

[attachment ]

Sorry if it's kind of blurry. He moves a lot.

YOU SAID HANDS, YOU DIDN'T SAY A TON OF TEETH!!!!

But he's kind of weirdly cute? Is he going to eat my eyeballs or anything?

Well, yeah. He has a lot of them but he doesn't use them! Except on chips and those things that pass for Cheetos here.

He's friendly, and playful. No one knows where they came from, but Nate at the theatre vouches for them so I trust them.

He eats chips and cheetos?

That is weirdly amazing.

Those are his favorite. Lots of crumbs though.

They're neat creatures. I've encountered some of the others as well at the theatre. They're bizarre but so cool.

So weird, so cute.

There's more of him?

Yep. I think Nick and Nate are finding homes for them. You should check them out.

Yeah, I will!

dont freak out this isnt a break up text or a nick's about to do something dumb text or any of those sorts of things but like
i need 2 talk to u abt something and im messaging now so that we actually talk about it when ur home and i dont just like continue to not do that
is that ok

I do like there's a chance that I would get a text BEFORE Nick does something stupid. It feels like a start.

Sure. Of course. It's always okay for you to come talk to me. No matter how bad it is.

I shouldn't assume it's bad.

i bet there's some kind of early warning system magic someone could rig up. some bit of jewellery that vibrates whenever i'm about to be a dumbass

it's not
bad
its just complicated and i probably should have talked to u about it earlier but i didnt for like a lot of reasons but its not bad

You're allowed to be a dumb ass. I just don't want you hurt in ways you don't want. You know that.

I'm not sure if this is reassuring or not. Whenever you're ready to talk though, Nick, you know I'm there for you.

i know 💛

sorry i'm trying to be chill but im not doing a very good job of it
i'm actually going to be home v shortly are u free
its ok if ur not right this second i know work is probably stupid busy right now

I'll be there. Always for you, Nick.

Which sounded cheesy and whatever. But I'll be there.

you can be a little bit cheesy i'll allow it
ok i am like technically already here im just procrastinating

but i want to like say if ur confused or u dont understand or like whatever u feel about stuff i want to actually talk about it
and if u have questions i'll answer them
like be honest dont just be like 'if thats what u think u want' ok?
full amnesty u can say whatever u want just dont like yell

I'm not going to yell, Nick. I promise you that.

I'll do my best to not just say if that's what you want and be honest about how I feel.

[ Even if the more this goes, the more it's worrying him just what it is that Nick wants to talk to him about. He just has no idea what's going on and Nick's worry is beginning to worry him. ]

ok
cool
sorry i really was actually trying to be non stress about this ik 'we need to talk' texts suck

Nick, it's all good. Okay? I'm just hoping you're okay. That's all.

You are okay, right? This isn't another video type thing, is it?

no i'm ok im good nothing has happened its um
sort of related tho
idk i'm going to make a drink quickly but where are u

Okay. Now I really am confused. Okay then.

In my room. Would you rather I be somewhere else?

no thats fine do u want anything

Not really, thank you. Just curious about what's going on.

( when nick walks into kyle's room, he sounds a little like he's striking up the conversation midway through a discussion, the pre-rehearsal he's been chewing over doing nothing to soothe nick's frayed nerves. )

It's really not that bad, or like. I don't know, it just seems like something I should talk to you about.

( he frowns, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he looks at kyle, but he crosses the room and sits on the bed without hesitating. slightly mixed signals, probably, but it doesn't last for long at least. he huffs, but keeps talking, holding a hand out for kyle to take. )

You never watched the video, did you?

Well if I'm being honest, it feels that bad right now so...

[ Normally he would have hidden it, fought to keep his emotions down and to not let it show how nervous he is. They've come through so much, he sees no reason to hide it from Nick.

He moves to take Nick's hand though, settling on the bed so he's facing him. He shakes his head. ]

Nope. You asked me not to and I never did. Ragnor and I talked about it though.

Right, so you know...enough. Not who was involved.

( it's not exactly a secret that nick very much doesn't talk about that whole incident, even by nick's standards of avoidance. he does a lot to avoid talking about pretty much that entire period, the whole stressful month from the realignment cell through to kyle's release from prison.

but he was serious about wanting to be better, and if the blowout with ragnor was anything to go by then there's nothing to be gained by keeping things to himself. actually it just tends to blow up in his face. )

I don't— it's not like— the person who's punishment it was, we...kept seeing each other. After the video. I didn't really tell anyone 'cause I thought they would freak out.

Right. I was told that no one had any free will in it. You and another had been volunteered and the person actually being punished was being drugged.

[ He tries to keep his hand firm but tender against Nick's but he can't hide how he tenses thinking about it. He can't help himself. He came out of an abusive relationship months ago and it still hurts him and he blames himself for it, so maybe it's like that. ]

Can I ask why? Was it what you wanted? Was it... I don't know. Punishing yourself going through it again?

[ He remembers Nick locking himself in his room after it, and he can't help but wonder if that's what it's about. ]

( he tugs kyle's hand closer to him, so that he can quickly duck a kiss against his knuckles, but even when nick is done with all that he keeps kyle's hand close, squeezing his fingers lightly. )

I don't know. Maybe a little at first, but it was more like— he already knew exactly what that was like, so it was just...easy.

( he's not defensive, but nick can feel the knee jerk instinct to argue, to defend himself. communication has never been nick's strong point, but he made a point to tell kyle to ask questions and be honest. he drags his thumbs over kyle's knuckles, looks at their joined hands, actually takes half a second to think before he speaks.

none of it comes naturally to nick, who would have hightailed it long before this conversation only a few weeks ago, but he's trying. )

I don't like, expect us to keep each other up to date on everyone we're hooking up with or anything stupid like that. You know? This is like— he's...important to me now, does that make sense? But I don't want me and you to blow up in my face because I kept it from you.

[ There's something about that physical touch that eases some of the ache in Kyle's shoulder. Something about the fact that Nick is touching him, offering soft soothing touches, that is helping.

Even as he's trying not to panic if only because his mind runs through the worst case scenario and all of them that he can think about are awful and all end with Nick leaving again.

He hates it's where his mind goes, but he can't help that when it's been his most recent heartache.

He looks at their hands, afraid to raise his gaze and give Nick the wrong kind of look. ]

I know we never talked about this part of things. About who we're with or others. I guess I just kind of hoped it would just all work itself out.

[Nick isn't good at talking about things. Kyle is fearful of talking about things and losing Nick. ]

You're right though. We need to talk about these things.

So what does this mean to you? About us? In general? [ He pauses, considering this before lifting his gaze to Nick. He is trying not to look scared, to not show he's worried but he can't help but be. He's let himself open up and he truly thought everything was okay but what if it wasn't? ] Is this just letting me know before someone else does or is there something more?

It doesn't mean anything about us.

( nick drags his eyes up from their hands, to meet kyle's instead. he's a little stressed, he can't hide that, but that's just talking — what they're talking about, or touching on at least. he reaches his other hand up, touches his fingers to kyle's cheeks lightly. )

I just...Ragnor saw before I told him and things got seriously out of hand. And I know it's not the same, I don't even know if you'd recognise him but like, that's not the point. He was so mad. I don't want to fight with you about shit.

( what is the point, exactly? that he still feels like he's lying, maybe. that it feels wrong to have kyle touching on filthy conversations when he doesn't know the full story. that there shouldn't be parts of nick that he's still hiding from kyle, maybe. )

I don't know if you remember the uh...marking your territory thing. Or the finder conversations, but. That's him, that's Logan.

[ Those words are important to Kyle and he shifts to move closer to Nick, wanting to hold him but settling on having him closer. His other hand covers Nick, turning his head to kiss the center of Nick's palm. ]

Are you guys okay? You and Ragnor?

[He knows things have been tense for them, about fights they've had in the past that Michael had told him about and that Kyle had seen the fall out from. He knew it hurt him when they fought like that. ]

I know Logan. Well, of him. I think we've talked a couple of times.

[ He doesn't get into the truth that he can't forget anything anymore, though for him it's not become centuries of memories as he knows it has for others. ]

Are you sure this okay? I know enough to know how horrific that video was to watch, how many were upset by what happened to you and others. Are you taking chances that are going to end up in you being hurt again? Is that why you're doing it?

[ He hates asking but he's trying to understand, to not be upset, or think that there's just things he's not giving Nick that he needs so he's risking himself to get them. ]

Yeah, it was um— right before I moved out, actually.

( which probably gives a little more context for why that whole situation went so spectacularly south. nick has never dealt with being overwhelmed well, and coming off of that fight, the self-destructive spiral that followed, and then the contract renewal coming in at the perfect moment to make him panic.

it wasn't his finest moment. )

No, it's...I get it looks bad to people, and I didn't want to worry anyone, or freak them out, which is part of why I didn't tell anyone in the first place.

( as it turns out, it's easier to talk about things the closer kyle is. he still struggles through the sentences, trying to tease his own thoughts out in a coherent way as difficult as actually saying them, but it's easier with kyle's cheek in his palm, with his lips against nick's skin. nick shuffles closer until his knees knock against kyle's leg and he can lean up, pressing a kiss to kyle's forehead and staying there. )

It's not about hurting each other. I just— always knew he understood some shit that no one else did, and it made it easier to relax around him, I guess. But it's not us. I don't want what we have with him, I don't want you to think that's what this is.

Okay. So I had heard about that. When I was having my own little... meltdown.

[ Because Michael had mentioned it might be part of why Nick had left. But Kyle had been too pained to think about that and worry about why. ]

Okay. I'm going to start with a few things.

[ He's still confused on some things but as they get closer, he feels tension easing. He needed that contact, leaning into the press of Nick's lips on his brow as he closes his eyes for a minute. Just savoring that.

His thumb brushes against Nick's hand and he fights not to pull Nick into his lap. Not that he doesn't close the gaps between him that he can, his leg sliding over Nick's. ]

Have you both talked about what happened that day? About what you've been through, and what he's been through? Especially now that he's important to you, I really hope you've talked about what you've been through.

Not as much as we should I guess, but we've talked about it more than I probably have with anyone else.

( in truth, he'd like to dress it up a little more. making it sound like nick and logan are perfectly healthy individuals and the past is just a matter of circumstance, because he knows kyle is worried. he can feel the tension there still, and this is part of what he'd been trying to avoid.

but lying has just made things worst in the past, and he said he was going to do better. getting caught out in a stupid lie and turning it into a reason to break up is what the old nick would have done. he's trying to be better than that. )

We've talked about...a lot. Enough. He's not a bad guy, I wouldn't bother with him if he was. But like...it's okay if you don't get it, or you think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to just understand, I sometimes don't still.

I won't tell you that I understand. I won't lie to you and tell me I'm not scared either.

[ Normally he would hide all of this out of fear but he can't hold on to Nick by hiding how he feels. He did that and had nearly lost him. If he wants their side of things to healthy, they both have things they have to work on. ]

I also know what happened on that video was no more his choice than it was yours. I can't say that makes me okay with things, but I don't see him as a bad guy for things he had no control over. Okay?

I just... I worry about you. While I think I'm the best decision you've ever made? Sometimes... Your decisions aren't the best.

Okay.

( nick worms his way closer as best as he can, winding an arm around kyle's waist and dropping his head onto the other man's shoulder. nick is always very physical, but these sorts of moments seem to demand it more than ever.

he stays close and it brings with it more relief. especially after the way things had gone with ragnor, nick had been catastrophising this conversation with kyle. kyle wasn't a fighter but nick would picture it anyway, play out vicious barbs and loud dismissals for no reason other than his own anxieties. )

That's fair. It's not like it would be the first time I made a self-destructive choice and got in my feelings about it. ( he pauses ) It's not like....I don't want to date him. That's not why I'm telling you.

[ That's all the encouragement he needs. Shifting to press himself back against the headboard, he moves to draw Nick into his arms and basically hauls him up onto his lap.

Keeping Nick close to him, stroking his hand along his back as he leans in and presses soft kisses to his shoulder. No matter how scared he is about what could happen to Nick, he knows he can't forbid him to see Logan. It would be the quickest way to drive him away.

Not that it doesn't go through his mind for a moment. He remembers Nick in those moments, how much it had affected him. How could he not be worried about him? ]

I... I can't say I'm not glad to hear that. I was kind of worried when you said you wanted to talk about all the scenarios that were you... changing your mind.

You have to know that Ragnor is upset because he cares about you, right? Because he's seen what you've been through. I can't blame him for that either. It's an imagine I bet he can't ever get out of his head and when you care about someone and you've seen that, it's hard.

Have you... are you going to talk to Michael?

That's why I didn't want you to watch it, you know. I didn't want you to have that image of me.

( nick settles into position in kyle's lap, easily, like it's becoming second nature. it takes no thought at all to brush his fingers through the front of kyle's hair, tugging idly at the short strands as he leans in to duck a quick kiss to his lips. just to punctuate the conversation. )

I'm like, all in on you. Okay? There's not— even if there's other people, other feelings, they're not going to replace you, or us. No one could. That hasn't changed.

( it's a nicer thing to talk about than michael, who was— more supportive than nick had expected, but he thinks that was probably more to do with michael walking in on nick right after the fight, still trying to recover. )

Michael heard the fight with Ragnor. We sort of talked about it then. I don't think he likes it, but...

Nick, I want you to know something. I would never judge you by something this place makes you do. I've been judged for what I thought were my choices, never given a real chance to defend myself, and I know what it's like.

[He strokes his fingers along Nick's jaw, leaning in and kissing him tenderly. ]

I would not do that to you, and I'm going to try and see Logan through your opinion of him too. Okay? Based on what he does with you now, not what he did that day. I mean, people could judge me on our video as well. I know some did.

[ Both for Nick being in it, as well as because of Michael and Kyle as well. He accepts that though, and accepted their place in things, in their relationship as a whole. So he had to accept Logan in that way until he saw reasons to do otherwise.

He smiles softly at that reassurance, stroking his fingers down along Nick's throat. ]

I like hearing that. We've both known that there are others and you know how I feel about you and what you mean to me. I've seen you with others at the car wash, and at the Clockhouse before...

[ He sighs. Losing that had been sad. It had been a part of their story, after all. ]

And both times I knew one thing. You're mine.

[ He has his nervousness about losing Nick, both by this place tearing them apart and Nick not being able to handle things between them. He knows that, but he also knows he's here with him, and Nick is saying that and it means everything to him. ]

( something a little like tension he hadn't known he was holding unknots. it's not like he had ever expected kyle to demand that nick chooses, that's not what they've ever been like, but he's worried about it all the same. more than he'd realised.

he winds himself into kyle, an arm looped around his neck and the other hand wrapping loosely around his wrist. he nudges kyle's hand a little more securely around nick's throat. for no particular reason other than because he likes the feel of it. )

This...me and you? It's different. I don't want what we have with anyone else. Sex, feelings, it's whatever. It doesn't change that I'm yours.

( for someone with well documented commitment issues he sure does like the sound of that, you're mine, without the bells and whistles of whatever little game they're playing. just the simple statement. nick's commitment issues are sky high and well documented, but he doesn't want to run now.

he doesn't want to ask the question that's still tugging at his thoughts either, but he does anyway. he hadn't expected kyle to get angry about it either, but his realistic understanding of the man in his arms only does so much to dissuade knee jerk fears. he doesn't think that kyle is angry, but he wants to hear him say it anyway. )

You're not mad at me?

[ Hearing Nick say that is everything Kyle needs to hear. To hear that Nick believes it too, and they've come this far and it feels so good. Smiling as his fingers slide to settle around Nick's throat, pressing the heel of his hand against the center of his throat. Not pushing, not hard, but flexing his fingers against his throat. ]

What we have is us, and nothing else touches that. I get that. We have our things, our other people, but there's nothing I have that is like what I have with you.

[ He instantly shakes his head, though he knows that can't be all of it. ]

I'm not mad at you. I am scared, okay? For the reasons I'm Ragnor was, and Michael is. You have tastes that could get you in trouble. [ And to highlight that he does tighten his grip against his throat. ] So I worry about you with someone that did horrible things to you and others. But... you're sitting on my lap and I've done horrible things too. So I don't know if I can judge you. Just worry about you.

I know. I get it, I do.

( or at least he thinks he does. it's hard not to read it as people not trusting his decisions sometimes, but then—

nick's decisions haven't exactly given people much cause to trust them lately, either, so maybe he deserves that. he rubs his thumb over the back of kyle's hand, pressing it forward just enough that he feels the pressure when he swallows. he sighs, leans forward and presses a quick kiss on kyle's lips. )

You don't need to worry about him. For any reason. He, um— ( the corner of his mouth tugs up into half a smile, and he rests his forehead against kyle's, eyes closing. ) When I...left, you know. He told me to come talk to you, fix things. He's a good guy, I swear. He's not the things he's done. Just like I know you're not.

[ They're skirting lines here. Playing games while having a hard discussion. Kyle thinks this is a good thing for them. It lets them focus on other things than the hard things they're talking about.

His fingers flex and he can feel his body responding, but he wants to finish this talk first. He needs Nick to know how he feels. ]

So he's got good taste. Least there's that.

[ Smiling as he rests his brow to Nick's, gripping his throat tightly, wanting to give Nick all he wants. ]

So long as he treats you well and gives you what you want, then he's a good guy. I trust you. I'm putting faith in you. Just know I have a thousand years of training guidelines in how to be the monster I technically can be.

[ He doesn't want to be that monster, but for Nick (and a few others) he knows he can be. ]

( it's not like he'd been deliberately angling to lead them there, so much as once it starts happening, it's hard to pull his focus anywhere else. it is an important conversation, it is one they needed to have, it's just—

well. he really likes the weight of kyle's hand on his throat, too.

he tries not to look so pleased about it though — tries not to look too pleased about the idea of kyle throwing threats around for him either. he doesn't want there to be violence anywhere, and he definitely doesn't want kyle put in the position of having to choose to be 'that monster'. but it's the possessiveness, again, the protectiveness, the claim staking that nick has always liked. now he's just better about admitting it. )

I think that's something you can both agree on.

( on all of it, actually. the taste. the faith. the violent protectiveness. never let it be said that nick doesn't have a type. he grins though, leaning in for another kiss, and this time he lingers. stays there even as he speaks again, a quiet murmur against his lips as he squeezes kyle's hand around his throat again. )

Are we done talking now?

[ Just getting to wake up like this is perfect. Nick in his arms, talking about serious things but knowing how easily things can turn.

Which is why he gathers Nick up to him, shifting to roll them over easily and laying him back against the mattress. The whole time his hand is on Nick's throat, staring down at him as he flexes his fingers. ]

More teeth? Is that what you really want?

[ Shifting his weight as his leg pushes between Nick's. ]

Or do you want me fuck you until you pass out and wake you up with a bite.

( a big perk of dating officially is that nick no longer feels the need to skulk off back to his own room each morning. he still sleeps in his own room every now and then, but the majority of the time, he's more than happy to wake up in a warm haze, kyle's arms around him and sprawled out over his chest.

this morning is especially nice because kyle doesn't have anywhere to be, so there's no rush. nick happily takes his time blinking sleepily awake, tucked up into kyle's side and latched around him with an arm and a leg. even now he hasn't really let go, even if his inability to sit still has led to nick scrolling through the device to see what people are talking about. )

Hey, ( he tilts his head to look up at kyle, a little curious. casual, off-hand, like he wants to discuss the weather. certainly not something serious. ) we don't have plans this weekend right? I think I said I'd go help Reggie and Logan with his camming site this weekend.

[ While a lot has changed in subtle ways, sleeping together and waking up together is one thing thing that has overtly changed and Kyle loves it. Loves the feel of Nick in his arms, the days when they can wake up together, lazy and soft and it's beautiful.

Stroking his fingers along Nick's spine, eyes half closed and not thinking at all about much of anything but how good this feels.

Humming softly at that question, he shakes his head. ]

No, we don't have any...

[ He stops, his mind putting that together. His hand stops at the small of Nick's back. ]

Wait, you're doing porn movies with Logan? Is... Did the city make you do this?

What?

( nick actually looks confused for a moment, as if it's some kind of stretch for kyle to have put that together. it's not that nick has forgotten, he couldn't, but he's spent so much time actively trying to separate logan from what happened in realignment that the presence of a camera in these weekend plans hadn't really set off alarm bells the way they clearly had with kyle. )

No, it's not— ( he frowns, lifting his head a little so that he can look at kyle properly. ) it's not a punishment, it's just...you know. Porn. I think there's been some suggestions we fit the bill for.

Some suggestions by who? And why?

[ Because if someone is trying to get them to recreate Nick being used against his wishes for their own goddamn enjoyment, Kyle is realizing he has no trouble with hurting them. He should have a problem with that but he's not sure he does. ]

Because if they want you brutalized again, I don't even think I'm at the top of the list of people they're going to answer to.

[ Even if he can make sure he gets to them before anyone else. ]

I don't have a problem with you doing porn, okay? If that's what you get off on, you know I support that. I just... Have you even thought about being in front of a camera with him? Again?

God, no. Not...that. Twinks and bears, porn categories. No one's asking anyone to be brutalized.

( this is rapidly becoming a much less casual conversation than nick had anticipated when he'd brought it up. and really, he probably could have anticipated this, if he'd put some serious thought into the matter, but nick hadn't.

it's hardly the first time that has happened, but he's not normally making such an effort to actually talk about things. it was a lot easier when his response to conversations he wasn't prepared for could be to just walk out of the room, actually. )

I'm not...we're not recreating anything. It's not even going to just be me and Logan. And I don't think about that shit when I'm with him, you know.

kyle i've tried calling you like 6 times can you call me back please

urgent

seriously i need to talk to you can you pick the fuck up

it's nick

please

kyle

kyle?

( this is...awkward. nick has been avoiding the house a little, if he's honest, for a number of reasons but not least of all because of the boyfriend of it all. he isn't remotely close to figuring out how the hell his life works here, and that's just one added complication.

but it feels weird not reaching out at all, and eventually he cracks.

there's so many heart emojis in this guy's contact name. it's ridiculous. )

so. hi.

[ Kyle has spent the afternoon going through his device, and he knows a few things.

He has a boyfriend. He's madly in love with him.

And he's the guy that he had hooked up with moments after "arriving" in this place.

Oh and he knows he came by the house and then vanished. So there's that. He hasn't been sure what to think and not sure what to do.

Then that message. He stares at it for a long time, not sure what to say. ]

Hey.

You okay?

[He may not know him but obviously he truly does care about him. ]

yeah just yknow. getting to know the place
again i guess

are you?

( it's easier that he doesn't remember either, probably, but it's frustrating, because nick has approximately one million questions, and right now kyle can't answer any of them either. )

Yeah. Same.
Also stunned I've managed 2 years here.

I guess. I don't know what to think. About any of it.
Has... Someone told you what happened? Do you remember anything of it?

[ About what happened. Not about them forgetting one another. Or what they had before.

He thinks about what he said to Michael and Alex, and he fights not to heave the device and see just how strong he is. ]

a little bit. i didn't really ask questions it seemed like idk a lot
you got caught up in all that shit too then?

it's fucking weird right, idk if i should be upset or something

Yeah me either. Seems weird to ask but not remember.
Apparently. Two people have come to me apologizing. Seems like an accident though really.

It's so weird. I'm learning so many things I couldn't have imagined.
And seeing them. Pics on this device. You got those too?

yeah some guy did the same. he seems real cut up about it but idk, maybe i'll be more bothered when i remember.

i havent looked at much. i poked around the pictures a bit but thats about it, it all started to feel a bit weird?
idk. the whole thing is really confusing. everyone seems pretty sure we'll get our memories back tho

Probably the same person. He said it was something about a curse.

Friends have told me things I don't even know how to process. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream.
Not even a nightmare, except for the horrific parts.

[ But he's not alone, and there isn't that hollowness within. Is it worth it? He's wondering despite the bad parts. ]

I hope we do. I really do.
Until then? If you need anything, let ne know? Don't let this place get you in trouble.

do you think it's better learning about all this stuff we don't remember? or just...waiting

( there's a huge elephant in the room, at least for nick, and he doesn't know whether to address it. actually he knows that he doesn't, but it still keeps eating at him anyway, because nick has spent years being extremely anti-relationship, anti commitment, anti feelings. but here--

well. apparently something has changed. )

that friend of yours. michael? he told me something. about us i mean.

Well, in my case, it was a good thing for me to learn some things. But I've been told others.

[ Like that thing Nick is talking about. ]

He talked to me about the same thing and that you probably weren't sure about that. It's okay. You don't know me.

( there's a lot of ways he wants to respond to that, and he's also sort of considering not responding at all. it's just--weird. kyle is hot, sure, but hot alone doesn't match up with some of the things he's seen on his brief dig, before nick had to stop.

it's not even the gratuitous abs shots that made him feel uncomfortable, it's the pictures of the soft moments. stupid selfies with the pets roaming into the shot and a look on nick's face that he has never seen on himself before. the candid snaps of kyle walking through the kitchen, like this is normal for them. it's the way he could see the casual affection, so clearly.

it had been around there that nick had decided that he wouldn't dig through the device any more, but he keeps thinking about it all the same. )

i mean, youre the one that knows him. is there any way your friend could be mistaken? like maybe he just thinks we're together or w/e

[ Wandering the house it's easy for Kyle to see. The three of them live there happily. He sees it in the clothes laying around, the mingling of things everywhere.

And he's seen it on the device. He couldn't go from feeling so alone at home to seeing those pictures on the device and not long for it.

Even if he's not certain he's ever going to have it again. Though Nick has reached out to him, and it brings with it hope... and trying to ignore the fears. ]

When I left home, he wasn't a friend. We knew one another but he didn't like me.

So No. That's not it. He's telling us what he knows and he's seen.

[ There's a long moment before he sends the next word. It really seems obvious that Nick isn't happy about this given how long he's stayed away. ]

Sorry.

i mean its not like its ur fault lol
its just
really weird idk i cant get my head around it
i dont date yknow?

Yeah, that was mentioned to me.
It's okay. Really.
Just if you need anything, or have any questions.
Even if it's weird. Just let me know.

CONTACT

voice; un: guerin

Re: voice; un: guerin

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un: nickelodeon

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text; un: louis

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text | a few hours after the logan post

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text | un: wild-pony

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