[ SO, GIVEN NETWORK ACTIVITIES OF LATE... ]
Drink tonight?
Drink tonight?
Edited 2021-02-21 16:20 (UTC)
Yeah
But I doubt you're stocked enough, so I'm just gonna bring everything Max had
He comes back, I'll apologize.
Maybe.
But I doubt you're stocked enough, so I'm just gonna bring everything Max had
He comes back, I'll apologize.
Maybe.
Edited 2021-02-21 16:39 (UTC)
Well, you're my boss so I figure this was my callout
How much does it take to get you drunk these days?
How much does it take to get you drunk these days?
i don't want to have to act all submissive like this city clearly wants me to in private. in public whatever fine i don't want trouble with those guards, but not if i don't have to
i don't want to be required to have sex with anyone
i don't want to have to ask permission every time i want to leave the house or go somewhere
and if punishments have to be in it somehow we need to figure that out
( is it clear yet that he's kind of incredibly stressed about this whole contract business )
is that ok?
i don't want to be required to have sex with anyone
i don't want to have to ask permission every time i want to leave the house or go somewhere
and if punishments have to be in it somehow we need to figure that out
( is it clear yet that he's kind of incredibly stressed about this whole contract business )
is that ok?
okay
yeah it looks like we're on the same page about this i think
sorry this is probably so old news to people who have been here a while i'm just...not used to it yet or whatever
i just don't want to end up in over my head in something without realizing it
not that i think you're shady or anything!
the more the merrier? that's a big old house you've got to fill ig
as long as you guys aren't like secret serial killers or something i think we're probably good :)
yeah it looks like we're on the same page about this i think
sorry this is probably so old news to people who have been here a while i'm just...not used to it yet or whatever
i just don't want to end up in over my head in something without realizing it
not that i think you're shady or anything!
the more the merrier? that's a big old house you've got to fill ig
as long as you guys aren't like secret serial killers or something i think we're probably good :)
ok good cause like you seem like a top guy but you never really know right and i don't want to run into trouble w dominants again and this whole business is so stressful i just don't want you to think i'm like saying YOU are being sus or anything if that makes sense
trust me i won't be getting into trouble if i can help it
i don't have fancy references but i have a job and stuff, i won't expect you to pay for things for me or anything weird like that.
no i feel good about this. i think this could work.
trust me i won't be getting into trouble if i can help it
i don't have fancy references but i have a job and stuff, i won't expect you to pay for things for me or anything weird like that.
no i feel good about this. i think this could work.
:( sounds like a tragic backstory. someone fuck you over with all this? cause that seriously sucks, like we're all being forced into these things we shouldn't be making it harder on each other.
uh lol not 'again' typo sorry 😊😊
( his tragic backstory isn't being unlocked any time soon )
oh perfect i can absolutely win someone over with drinks i used to bartend. i mean not that well but anyone can make a mimosa
yeah ok let me know when you've got something and i'll see if i can get this guy to look at it. no requests for horrible amendments that try to fuck you over, promise.
uh lol not 'again' typo sorry 😊😊
( his tragic backstory isn't being unlocked any time soon )
oh perfect i can absolutely win someone over with drinks i used to bartend. i mean not that well but anyone can make a mimosa
yeah ok let me know when you've got something and i'll see if i can get this guy to look at it. no requests for horrible amendments that try to fuck you over, promise.
yeah, this place likes to do that huh. for what it's worth i have like...zero interest in rocking the boat. those citations are fucked up, i'm not dragging me or you into that shit if i can help it.
ply the friends with a+ mimosas, got it. i'll work on my techniques :)
cute. i'll let you know what i think uhhh soon probably. see how we go.
ply the friends with a+ mimosas, got it. i'll work on my techniques :)
cute. i'll let you know what i think uhhh soon probably. see how we go.
i'll remember that. it goes both ways, though. like i realize that the amount i can do here is limited but if you get caught up in something and there's something i can do to help i'd want you to ask
yknow?
oh, say no more. i have several, that makes total sense.
thanks :) you're actually making this whole thing a lot less stressful, so like. i appreciate it.
yknow?
oh, say no more. i have several, that makes total sense.
thanks :) you're actually making this whole thing a lot less stressful, so like. i appreciate it.
too many, i'll tell u that much. 1 younger, 5 older. if any of them showed up here i'd lose my shit tho, so it's probably a good thing i'm the only one dragged to this lovely little hell hole.
u've got like a home regular guy superhero thing going on here, huh. is there a secret identity i need to know about or something? ;)
u've got like a home regular guy superhero thing going on here, huh. is there a secret identity i need to know about or something? ;)
I'm fine.
( it's hardly even a lie, really. nate knows his way around a healing potion and nick had knocked that back pretty much the moment the other witch had left, but that doesn't mean much.
but. physically, he is okay, and that's the question that was asked. )
Healing potion, works wonders. Besides, I wasn't going to die.
( he rests his head back against the door, and it all feels very dramatic and maudlin — but the other options are either opening up the door, or telling kyle to go away, and neither of those are options he's willing to consider right now. )
Tell me about something. I don't know, weird medical facts. Why vampires don't hate garlic.
( it's hardly even a lie, really. nate knows his way around a healing potion and nick had knocked that back pretty much the moment the other witch had left, but that doesn't mean much.
but. physically, he is okay, and that's the question that was asked. )
Healing potion, works wonders. Besides, I wasn't going to die.
( he rests his head back against the door, and it all feels very dramatic and maudlin — but the other options are either opening up the door, or telling kyle to go away, and neither of those are options he's willing to consider right now. )
Tell me about something. I don't know, weird medical facts. Why vampires don't hate garlic.
It's...not great.
( that's already more than he wants to say, but even he can see it's not fair to ask kyle to go off of no information at all.
it's nice though, listening to him talk. even if the topic is grim — he's heard all sorts of stories about how vampires are born, from the strange fiction ones, to the rules that created something similar in his own world. never a story like this, though.
a tale as old as time, though. corrupted magic, he's seen it happen himself. )
So vampires in that world all exist, because a witch tried to save her kids.
That's...
( a little crazy. a little insane. a little selfish, really. mostly, it's just sad. )
Is there anything that can get you guys then, if garlic doesn't work? Daylight doesn't matter, I'm sure I've seen you in a reflection somewhere. Is any of it true?
( that's already more than he wants to say, but even he can see it's not fair to ask kyle to go off of no information at all.
it's nice though, listening to him talk. even if the topic is grim — he's heard all sorts of stories about how vampires are born, from the strange fiction ones, to the rules that created something similar in his own world. never a story like this, though.
a tale as old as time, though. corrupted magic, he's seen it happen himself. )
So vampires in that world all exist, because a witch tried to save her kids.
That's...
( a little crazy. a little insane. a little selfish, really. mostly, it's just sad. )
Is there anything that can get you guys then, if garlic doesn't work? Daylight doesn't matter, I'm sure I've seen you in a reflection somewhere. Is any of it true?
You didn't do anything wrong.
( nick didn't do anything wrong either, he'd really just been in the wrong place at the wrong time — which is more frustrating, really, but at least one thing is clear. kyle couldn't have done anything to stop this.
for all nick knows about vampires ( clearly not much ) he gets the very distinct feeling that this is the sort of thing that should be kept quiet, and that settles weirdly in his chest, part of a very different box to remain unopened. )
I don't think you're supposed to tell me all of this... ( he responds quietly, only because he's pretty sure that kyle can hear him anyway. he runs his finger over the space on the floor where the marks of nate's charm had disappeared without a trace.
he doesn't break the spell, but he thinks about it. ) How many people know all of that?
( nick didn't do anything wrong either, he'd really just been in the wrong place at the wrong time — which is more frustrating, really, but at least one thing is clear. kyle couldn't have done anything to stop this.
for all nick knows about vampires ( clearly not much ) he gets the very distinct feeling that this is the sort of thing that should be kept quiet, and that settles weirdly in his chest, part of a very different box to remain unopened. )
I don't think you're supposed to tell me all of this... ( he responds quietly, only because he's pretty sure that kyle can hear him anyway. he runs his finger over the space on the floor where the marks of nate's charm had disappeared without a trace.
he doesn't break the spell, but he thinks about it. ) How many people know all of that?
Oh, right.
( he might have been trying for casual, but that doesn't make the list any longer. nick will have all sorts of ways to examine all of that later, but for now he just picks at his thumbnail and thinks about secret sharing, very intently and very quietly, for an intense, internal moment.
and then he shifts his weight around, and presses his palm against the door instead. )
I still don't want to talk about it.
( he doesn't think that kyle has forgotten, but he brings the point up again anyway. this time, because he's digging out the crystal that deactivates the charm on the door and pressing the point into his thumb until a bead of blood wells up against the stone.
it only takes a moment for the ward to deactivate, and once that's done he stands up and pulls the door open. )
You can come in, if you want. This is a little dumb.
( he might have been trying for casual, but that doesn't make the list any longer. nick will have all sorts of ways to examine all of that later, but for now he just picks at his thumbnail and thinks about secret sharing, very intently and very quietly, for an intense, internal moment.
and then he shifts his weight around, and presses his palm against the door instead. )
I still don't want to talk about it.
( he doesn't think that kyle has forgotten, but he brings the point up again anyway. this time, because he's digging out the crystal that deactivates the charm on the door and pressing the point into his thumb until a bead of blood wells up against the stone.
it only takes a moment for the ward to deactivate, and once that's done he stands up and pulls the door open. )
You can come in, if you want. This is a little dumb.
I don't know what I need.
( that, at least, is honest. he steps back from the door to let kyle walk into the bedroom, but he hovers short of actually going near the other man for a moment. it's not so much that he doesn't want to be close to him, just that nick feels very unpredictable right now.
for someone incredibly chaotic by nature, he's actually pretty uncomfortable with not being able to predict what might happen next. he closes the door still though, and when he turns back to kyle he looks cautious. )
Can you just– don't move...
( a bit of a weird request maybe, but no weirder than anything else he's asked for today. nick reaches a hand out to touch one of kyle's, sliding it up slowly until his hand reaches kyle's wrist. all of that has been fine so far, but he's still careful as he steps in closer until his upper arm leans against kyle's chest. )
( that, at least, is honest. he steps back from the door to let kyle walk into the bedroom, but he hovers short of actually going near the other man for a moment. it's not so much that he doesn't want to be close to him, just that nick feels very unpredictable right now.
for someone incredibly chaotic by nature, he's actually pretty uncomfortable with not being able to predict what might happen next. he closes the door still though, and when he turns back to kyle he looks cautious. )
Can you just– don't move...
( a bit of a weird request maybe, but no weirder than anything else he's asked for today. nick reaches a hand out to touch one of kyle's, sliding it up slowly until his hand reaches kyle's wrist. all of that has been fine so far, but he's still careful as he steps in closer until his upper arm leans against kyle's chest. )
( he's not going to lose it in front of kyle. that much is incredibly important to him, even as his chest aches and he has to swallow down a lump in his throat that threatens to burst. the whole point of shutting people out of the room was to prevent exactly this, but the idea of sending kyle out of here now is somehow so much worse.
he waits another moment, hovering just short of any real kind of contact, and then nick turns very abruptly and throws his arms around kyle's neck. he clings tight, enough that it's probably a good thing kyle isn't human, and he exhales slowly.
he still doesn't lose it. )
I don't want to think about this shit any more.
he waits another moment, hovering just short of any real kind of contact, and then nick turns very abruptly and throws his arms around kyle's neck. he clings tight, enough that it's probably a good thing kyle isn't human, and he exhales slowly.
he still doesn't lose it. )
I don't want to think about this shit any more.
( the answer to a question like that is so big that nick can't possibly fathom a real answer right now. he wants to scream, but the idea of actually vocalising any of the thoughts rattling around his head makes him feel insane. he wants to be by himself, but he wants kyle here more. contradictions on contradictions, and the only sure thing is that the touch around his waist is the only thing that has made him feel remotely better so far. )
You're helping.
( he's just as quiet as kyle, leaning until his cheek rests against the other man's and exhaling carefully and slowly. and when that isn't enough, he turns his face too, brushes a kiss across kyle's cheek and closes his eyes. )
You are. I just want–
( he cuts off, frustrated, because half the problem is that nick has no idea what it is nick wants, from kyle or in general. )
You're helping.
( he's just as quiet as kyle, leaning until his cheek rests against the other man's and exhaling carefully and slowly. and when that isn't enough, he turns his face too, brushes a kiss across kyle's cheek and closes his eyes. )
You are. I just want–
( he cuts off, frustrated, because half the problem is that nick has no idea what it is nick wants, from kyle or in general. )
I want to skip to the part where I've already forgotten about this.
( nick has annoyingly complex feelings on all things mind and memory, frankly. most of the time it isn't an issue, but moments like now, he'd rather be the type of person that was happy to just get their memory altered. it'd be simple to just wipe the whole thing — but even as the thought appeals to him, the idea makes his skin crawl.
there's really no winning, here.
he sighs as he loosens a hand around kyle's shoulders, slides it around until his palm rests over kyle's cheek instead. )
I don't want to... ( he trails off, a vague sense of tension in the words even if his body is significantly more relaxed. he leans up again, watching kyle and his reactions carefully for a moment for any kind of issue before he leans in again. pressing another soft kiss, this time to the corner of kyle's mouth. ) I just want this, for now. That's all.
( nick has annoyingly complex feelings on all things mind and memory, frankly. most of the time it isn't an issue, but moments like now, he'd rather be the type of person that was happy to just get their memory altered. it'd be simple to just wipe the whole thing — but even as the thought appeals to him, the idea makes his skin crawl.
there's really no winning, here.
he sighs as he loosens a hand around kyle's shoulders, slides it around until his palm rests over kyle's cheek instead. )
I don't want to... ( he trails off, a vague sense of tension in the words even if his body is significantly more relaxed. he leans up again, watching kyle and his reactions carefully for a moment for any kind of issue before he leans in again. pressing another soft kiss, this time to the corner of kyle's mouth. ) I just want this, for now. That's all.
( the thing is, nick hates memory magic. hates the idea of someone being in his head at all, actually, but fiddling around with memories, changing things, it makes his skin crawl. and yet, the offer sounds...incredibly appealing.
he still shakes his head, but the thought is tucked away in the back of his mind for now. instead he takes a step back, catching hold of kyle's hand and holding on tight. )
Come lie down. ( it's not phrased as a question but it is one, nick holding kyle's gaze with a very carefully neutral expression. because he'd really been on the verge of admitting— something to himself, and if this whole situation has shattered that, nick really doesn't know what he'll do.
the city can have everything else, he doesn't care. it can't have this. not before nick even knows what this could be. ) Just lying down. Just for a bit.
he still shakes his head, but the thought is tucked away in the back of his mind for now. instead he takes a step back, catching hold of kyle's hand and holding on tight. )
Come lie down. ( it's not phrased as a question but it is one, nick holding kyle's gaze with a very carefully neutral expression. because he'd really been on the verge of admitting— something to himself, and if this whole situation has shattered that, nick really doesn't know what he'll do.
the city can have everything else, he doesn't care. it can't have this. not before nick even knows what this could be. ) Just lying down. Just for a bit.
( nick climbs into the bed, shifts to one side to make space for kyle, and holds his breath. really does it, too, because as much as he wants everything to be the same, he really can't predict how things will change.
but he doesn't tense, and he doesn't panic, and it's honestly such a relief that nick has to turn his face into the pillow and let out that long held sigh. )
Tell me something about you. Something that's not sad.
( he won't tolerate it forever, nick knows too much about himself to believe that, but for now he just wants to worm his way into kyle's arms and stay there. for as long as he can manage. )
but he doesn't tense, and he doesn't panic, and it's honestly such a relief that nick has to turn his face into the pillow and let out that long held sigh. )
Tell me something about you. Something that's not sad.
( he won't tolerate it forever, nick knows too much about himself to believe that, but for now he just wants to worm his way into kyle's arms and stay there. for as long as he can manage. )
( it's made that much easier because kyle is letting him move at his own pace. he just doesn't know so much right now, he doesn't know how he's going to react to anything, and every time kyle touches him and he doesn't flinch is another win. so he'll keep taking them.
nick shifts in until he's right by kyle's side, leaning his head near kyle's shoulder and splaying a hand out over his chest. his knee knocks against kyle's, and he stretches out a foot to hook around the other's ankle, until there's points of contact littered all over them, and nick feels all the better for it. )
You were good with that stethoscope, ( nick murmurs in response, smiling faintly and resting his palm over the approximate spot where he assumes kyle's heart must be. remembering when the worst thing they had to deal with in this house was a little accidental poisoning. ) You can tell, you know. When you talk about it, like...it's what you're supposed to be doing. It's nice.
nick shifts in until he's right by kyle's side, leaning his head near kyle's shoulder and splaying a hand out over his chest. his knee knocks against kyle's, and he stretches out a foot to hook around the other's ankle, until there's points of contact littered all over them, and nick feels all the better for it. )
You were good with that stethoscope, ( nick murmurs in response, smiling faintly and resting his palm over the approximate spot where he assumes kyle's heart must be. remembering when the worst thing they had to deal with in this house was a little accidental poisoning. ) You can tell, you know. When you talk about it, like...it's what you're supposed to be doing. It's nice.
oh kyle
I don't know if you want all the details but it's bad. It's horrific.
[ Granted, Maria has normal sensibilities about these things. She hasn't yet been inured to the ways of Duplicity. But she's a mess after seeing it. She can't imagine how Nick is. ]
I don't know if you want all the details but it's bad. It's horrific.
[ Granted, Maria has normal sensibilities about these things. She hasn't yet been inured to the ways of Duplicity. But she's a mess after seeing it. She can't imagine how Nick is. ]
thank God he's at least texting.
[ If he's letting Kyle in even that little bit, then maybe he can get through this. Maria's not sure how, but somehow. ]
I don't think it was the guy's fault. He was drugged. They were pumping him full of something. I don't know what could do that to a person but I can't believe he would do that by choice.
[ If he's letting Kyle in even that little bit, then maybe he can get through this. Maria's not sure how, but somehow. ]
I don't think it was the guy's fault. He was drugged. They were pumping him full of something. I don't know what could do that to a person but I can't believe he would do that by choice.
[ Maria definitely cannot believe that they could do worse than this, because this seems pretty terrible. But if Kyle says it's a possibility, then Maria holds onto that. As a warning and as a fear that will haunt her. ]
kyle what do you mean? no conscience?
did you
kill someone?
kyle what do you mean? no conscience?
did you
kill someone?
[ Maria has no idea how bad it possibly could have been, because this is different from Duplicity, isn't it? This is just vampire stuff which, while still apparently terrible, at least doesn't have anything to do with sexual abuse. Right? ]
Kyle
what do you need? how can I help?
Kyle
what do you need? how can I help?
I'm not. I'm definitely not.
But you've got bigger things on your plate.
I'll be ok.
But you've got bigger things on your plate.
I'll be ok.
I just want someone to tell me it will be alright.
But I know now that that's going to be a sweet lie and nothing I can hold on to.
But I know now that that's going to be a sweet lie and nothing I can hold on to.
you're right.
I know you're right it's just so much easier to be scared right now.
I'm a Dominant. I'm going to be responsible for someone. And I'm not even equipped for this.
I know you're right it's just so much easier to be scared right now.
I'm a Dominant. I'm going to be responsible for someone. And I'm not even equipped for this.
is it really? or can it get worse and we just don't know?
I don't like feeling helpless, Kyle. That's not how I work. I need something that I can hang onto.
But even if it is all of you, what happens when it's you on the screen? I don't know what I'll do but I have to do something.
I don't like feeling helpless, Kyle. That's not how I work. I need something that I can hang onto.
But even if it is all of you, what happens when it's you on the screen? I don't know what I'll do but I have to do something.
[ This is why Maria passed over the fact that Kyle's killed someone, or at least tucked it away for discussion later. He's being so selfless, so honestly concerned for the well-being of others and not himself. She wouldn't have believed the change in him from high school bully to caring doctor if she hadn't seen it from afar, and now it's hard to believe that he would do anything but care.
But they all have their secrets and their dark corners, don't they? ]
You're letting me freak out over text at you while I wait for Michael to come over. I think you're good on the helping me front.
For the record, I don't want it to be you, either. Nick looks like a kid and there's no denying Michael and Alex have been through shit. But that doesn't mean you should draw the short straw. None of us should.
All you can do sometimes is pick up the pieces after the fact. Like you are with Nick. And that's good.
But they all have their secrets and their dark corners, don't they? ]
You're letting me freak out over text at you while I wait for Michael to come over. I think you're good on the helping me front.
For the record, I don't want it to be you, either. Nick looks like a kid and there's no denying Michael and Alex have been through shit. But that doesn't mean you should draw the short straw. None of us should.
All you can do sometimes is pick up the pieces after the fact. Like you are with Nick. And that's good.
Oh no, poor me. Watched over by a Valenti. It's not like you've got a protective streak in your blood.
I know it hurts. And I know how helpless you must feel right now, because it wasn't in your power to stop it or to bring justice against those that did it. But like you said you do what you can to take care of yours.
[ That has to be enough. Until it isn't. But that's for another day, a day when they have a chance of breaking out of this place. ]
I know it hurts. And I know how helpless you must feel right now, because it wasn't in your power to stop it or to bring justice against those that did it. But like you said you do what you can to take care of yours.
[ That has to be enough. Until it isn't. But that's for another day, a day when they have a chance of breaking out of this place. ]
[ It is a bad joke and were they face to face, Maria would have given him a look. Instead it's: ]
🙄
Focus on him for now, but you gotta feel the rest. Just in a controlled space, a better environment. Stuffing it all down will make an explosion eventually.
🙄
Focus on him for now, but you gotta feel the rest. Just in a controlled space, a better environment. Stuffing it all down will make an explosion eventually.
I am here to enlighten.
That includes taking care of yourself. Swear you'll do that too.
That includes taking care of yourself. Swear you'll do that too.
I'm going to have to hug the shit out of you aren't I?
Nor should you. No one regrets my hugs, ok? they're fantastic.
Oh, don't I feel special now too. Giving you a new experience in Duplicity at this stage in the game.
I don't want to, unless you're sharing because you want to. Then I'm all ears.
text, un:chougrincheux (an hour after nick takes off post logan, cw: discussions of dubcon/noncon
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Kyle, Nick asked me to keep an eye on you. I understand if you would rather not have visitors at the moment, but we should talk whenever you are willing.
[ In that case, he's knocking at the door.
Did he text from right outside? Yes, he sure did. ]
Did he text from right outside? Yes, he sure did. ]
[ He steps in, takes a look at Kyle and sees exactly what Nick meant by Kyle needing someone to keep an eye on him. ]
I thought it better to knock. Ah... I am tracking Nick, he knows I'm tracking him, he's all right with me keeping an eye on him. He's safe and I'll know if that changes.
[ He can't say fine because Nick is far from it, but at least Ragnor knows he's not actively in danger. ]
I thought it better to knock. Ah... I am tracking Nick, he knows I'm tracking him, he's all right with me keeping an eye on him. He's safe and I'll know if that changes.
[ He can't say fine because Nick is far from it, but at least Ragnor knows he's not actively in danger. ]
[ He does take a seat and gets a drink because at least one person here should try to look calm. Ragnor is very self-contained, no pacing, no nervous energy. ]
He asked I gave you ah, "the cliff notes version" in his own words. You may want a drink as well, if you want to hear it.
He asked I gave you ah, "the cliff notes version" in his own words. You may want a drink as well, if you want to hear it.
[ Ragnor sits down, staring at his drink instead of nursing it. ]
The short version is that he's been used twice to address Dominant citations. I know the first Dominant, when he got out of the drug haze, he told me what happened, so I tracked Nick down to see if there was anything I could do. That's how I met him.
As for this time, Nick asked me not to watch the video, so I know very little of what happened, beyond him having been forced into sex again.
The short version is that he's been used twice to address Dominant citations. I know the first Dominant, when he got out of the drug haze, he told me what happened, so I tracked Nick down to see if there was anything I could do. That's how I met him.
As for this time, Nick asked me not to watch the video, so I know very little of what happened, beyond him having been forced into sex again.
I know it's not a comfort, but he's not being specifically targeted, it was a matter of wrong place, wrong time.
[ There's nothing he can say to make this better or easier, so he's not even trying. ]
I am keeping an eye on him, and he's agreed to keep in touch. I expect he'll need a few days. And then he'll need you.
[ There's nothing he can say to make this better or easier, so he's not even trying. ]
I am keeping an eye on him, and he's agreed to keep in touch. I expect he'll need a few days. And then he'll need you.
I understand the impulse, but we cannot hurt the ones actually responsible, and trying would only hurt those we care about.
[ Ragnor does not particularly care about what would happen to him. But he has Magnus, and he wouldn't want him to be held responsible for Ragnor's recklessness. ]
As far as I know, no amount of legal jargon can prevent what happened.
[ He keeps thinking about contingencies and keeps failing to come up with any. ]
You might be able to stop Nick from being punished by anyone other than you, but that is all, as far as I'm aware.
[ Ragnor does not particularly care about what would happen to him. But he has Magnus, and he wouldn't want him to be held responsible for Ragnor's recklessness. ]
As far as I know, no amount of legal jargon can prevent what happened.
[ He keeps thinking about contingencies and keeps failing to come up with any. ]
You might be able to stop Nick from being punished by anyone other than you, but that is all, as far as I'm aware.
I do wonder if adding specifics to a contract would do anything. I asked Magnus to add that I have to be present for any citations involving him, but it hasn't yet been tested. Hopefully it won't be.
[ He doesn't actually remember what else they put in his contract. Ragnor was drunk at the time, and he trusted Magnus to handle it. ]
[ He doesn't actually remember what else they put in his contract. Ragnor was drunk at the time, and he trusted Magnus to handle it. ]
Playing by their rules and protecting each other as best as we can is all we can do.
[ Which is something Ragnor can handle. He's old and he's done it before, but younger people and idealists can't roll with the punches as easily. ]
[ Which is something Ragnor can handle. He's old and he's done it before, but younger people and idealists can't roll with the punches as easily. ]
[This absolutely was not intended for Kyle by any means. It was meant for someone else, someone used to her weird antics and, at times, strange philosophical questions. Someone she's contracted to.]
so ive been thinking...why is it called peanut butter
there isnt even any dairy in it dont you need milk for butter
humans are so weird when it comes to how they name things
anyway...can you pick up more peanut butter on the way home please
im tired and i want some for toast in the morning
we can have sex if you do
so ive been thinking...why is it called peanut butter
there isnt even any dairy in it dont you need milk for butter
humans are so weird when it comes to how they name things
anyway...can you pick up more peanut butter on the way home please
im tired and i want some for toast in the morning
we can have sex if you do
ah
youre not tsurugi youre that doctor
sorry
we dont have to have sex thats ok
i was just trying to bribe my boyfriend
[W h o o p s.]
yeah but lots of stuff spreads
like cream cheese spreads and its not butter
same with jam or marmalade
why isnt it peanut jam
youre not tsurugi youre that doctor
sorry
we dont have to have sex thats ok
i was just trying to bribe my boyfriend
[W h o o p s.]
yeah but lots of stuff spreads
like cream cheese spreads and its not butter
same with jam or marmalade
why isnt it peanut jam
he should be thankful its true
youre not wrong
oh maybe it is the fats...i never thought about it like that
youre not wrong
oh maybe it is the fats...i never thought about it like that
i did
really?
usually i give people headaches but youre welcome
egg butter sounds disgusting
and i love eggs
like a lot
really?
usually i give people headaches but youre welcome
egg butter sounds disgusting
and i love eggs
like a lot
[Definitely misguided and definitely abused.]
thanks
im used to being the problem haha
mayonnaise is good though
one time i ate a whole jar of it
thanks
im used to being the problem haha
mayonnaise is good though
one time i ate a whole jar of it
im glad i havent been
i dunno
its not like i get fat
my metabolism is really fast
sometimes i eat things though and feel kind of gross
but usually thats if i eat too much
i can eat a lot of things that would make people really sick
i dunno
its not like i get fat
my metabolism is really fast
sometimes i eat things though and feel kind of gross
but usually thats if i eat too much
i can eat a lot of things that would make people really sick
i can eat
i need blood to be healthy but i love eating
i love food
uh i can eat rotten meat
[Probably a better way of saying 'I can eat dead people'.]
i need blood to be healthy but i love eating
i love food
uh i can eat rotten meat
[Probably a better way of saying 'I can eat dead people'.]
im glad you can still eat
its all i was given to eat for a very long time
its all i was given to eat for a very long time
a human scientist who wanted to separate my twin and i at birth and turn us into an experiment
he locked me up for fifty years
he locked me up for fifty years
oh i know
thats why i slaughtered him as soon as i got out
thats why i slaughtered him as soon as i got out
mm yeah i know
no one is allowed to treat me like an animal ever again
no one is allowed to treat me like an animal ever again
you worry about me
really
you must be a really kind person
really
you must be a really kind person
before coming here the only people who worried about me were those who were bound to me by virtue of me siring them
even here i dont know how many people actually worry about me
most of the ones i knew for sure did are gone
even here i dont know how many people actually worry about me
most of the ones i knew for sure did are gone
shit
shit I'm sorry
Not what I meant to send. Obviously. Not that I mean to send anything.
I didn't think they would let you have your device in jail...
shit I'm sorry
Not what I meant to send. Obviously. Not that I mean to send anything.
I didn't think they would let you have your device in jail...
... I guess I can understand that. From their perspective.
Can I ask? About the video?
Can I ask? About the video?
Why?
Did he do something to you? Was he cruel to someone else? What did he do to deserve that?
Did he do something to you? Was he cruel to someone else? What did he do to deserve that?
[ Rowan takes some time to think about that before he responds. He's turned off like that, in a way, too. Probably not to the same extent as Kyle here. Or perhaps the same.
Rowan's been well-trained, though. He doesn't really think Kyle was meant for this, not like Rowan is. ]
so this is a vampire thing.
you were made. and then you did what vampires do.
Rowan's been well-trained, though. He doesn't really think Kyle was meant for this, not like Rowan is. ]
so this is a vampire thing.
you were made. and then you did what vampires do.
no. we can all change. but it takes time and sometimes help. your help was taken from you.
[ He doesn't judge, though he does worry now that Kyle will break again. He needs to be taken care of, stopped but not in the way that Rowan knows. He needs someone else. ]
It's an answer that makes sense to me. sorta. so it's fine.
[ He doesn't judge, though he does worry now that Kyle will break again. He needs to be taken care of, stopped but not in the way that Rowan knows. He needs someone else. ]
It's an answer that makes sense to me. sorta. so it's fine.
or at least make sure the person you put yourself into like that is better, worth it. doesn't sound like he was.
I don't pretend to understand all about vampires but I get what you're saying at least.
I don't pretend to understand all about vampires but I get what you're saying at least.
hi
hello
can i please bring this home if i promise he doesnt eat cats
michael already said yes
attached: VENGABOYS.mov
hello
can i please bring this home if i promise he doesnt eat cats
michael already said yes
attached: VENGABOYS.mov
I don't mean this in a way that minimizes what you're going through, but we all have things we regret. Some are worse than others, but eventually it all fades. You'll feel better in time. I still see you as my wonderful, lovable brother no matter what you do, though.
So. You should probably know if he hasn't already told you. I went on a date with Guerin. ...at your place, actually.
Right. With the shift in topic, I almost forgot it started with me mentioning the date. Besides, we hadn't actually been on it, yet, at that point. That's when we decided we wanted to.
I know it's his, too. I just thought it sounded dramatic.
I know it's his, too. I just thought it sounded dramatic.
Well, Nick was a fierce protector of the door and Guerin looked completely comfortable in the kitchen. I really don't think you have to worry about either of them thinking the place doesn't belong to them.
what
okay?
Kyle, fucking
Kyle
[ Et al. until he gets a coherent answer back ]
okay?
Kyle, fucking
Kyle
[ Et al. until he gets a coherent answer back ]
[Sent on about the sixth try after deleting and starting again and again and so forth.]
Hi. You probably don't remember me since last week was insane and you probably saw a ton of people. But my name's Billy, you wrapped up my wrist and cleaned up my cheek.
I don't really know any other doctors here and I don't have a Dom or anything so I don't have any money, so I was wondering if you have any recommendations of where to go for meds. Like anti-depressants and anti-anxiety? I was on them at home and I kept thinking I'd just be home soon but that doesn't seem to be happening so I should probably figure it out but I don't know if you can even do that here but I figured you'd know?
Sorry to bother you.
Oh the hospital said I could text you here, I didn't just randomly stalk you.
Hi. You probably don't remember me since last week was insane and you probably saw a ton of people. But my name's Billy, you wrapped up my wrist and cleaned up my cheek.
I don't really know any other doctors here and I don't have a Dom or anything so I don't have any money, so I was wondering if you have any recommendations of where to go for meds. Like anti-depressants and anti-anxiety? I was on them at home and I kept thinking I'd just be home soon but that doesn't seem to be happening so I should probably figure it out but I don't know if you can even do that here but I figured you'd know?
Sorry to bother you.
Oh the hospital said I could text you here, I didn't just randomly stalk you.
I wouldn't say bullied. More like convinced? Talked into maybe? And I would have just waited until you turned around and teleported probably if I was going to sneak out. But I didn't!
Okay. That's really nice, so thanks.
Uh, I don't know what kind? I was on Celexa and I had Ativan for panic attacks. I can never remember what the dose was, but I only took it once a day and the Ativan when I was freaking out or something.
I was sort of between therapists. If I went home my therapist would have tried to kill me. It's a long story. But I think just meds will be fine. I haven't seen anyone for a while anyway.
Okay. That's really nice, so thanks.
Uh, I don't know what kind? I was on Celexa and I had Ativan for panic attacks. I can never remember what the dose was, but I only took it once a day and the Ativan when I was freaking out or something.
I was sort of between therapists. If I went home my therapist would have tried to kill me. It's a long story. But I think just meds will be fine. I haven't seen anyone for a while anyway.
If it makes you feel better, there's always a time when powers or magic or something doesn't work and then you need the real doctors and not just people with glowy hands. Once there was a mutant who could reverse powers and someone tried to heal around them and ended up making the wound twice as bad. So people who can do things without powers are always going to have work!
Sure. I'm fine I'm not going to jump off bridge or anything. And also I can fly if I did anyway. I just want to get ahead of it you know? Before it gets worse.
I'll think about it? Is that okay?
Sure. I'm fine I'm not going to jump off bridge or anything. And also I can fly if I did anyway. I just want to get ahead of it you know? Before it gets worse.
I'll think about it? Is that okay?
Yeah. Mine got shut off for a while. It kind of sucked.
They weren't really on the good side of things, but it probably is. I think they can turn it on and off though.
Okay. Well I'll think about it. And thanks for looking into the meds for me. I appreciate it.
They weren't really on the good side of things, but it probably is. I think they can turn it on and off though.
Okay. Well I'll think about it. And thanks for looking into the meds for me. I appreciate it.
Yeah. SIN had these guns during the riots? They just shut them off for like half a day. Someone helped me get away, but it wasn't fun.
Thanks again.
[Sent some time later.]
Hi, me again. So um, this is weird. But you know how everyone talks about aphrodisiacs and how the city can drug you and stuff like that?
Can people like just get those? Like for themselves?
Thanks again.
[Sent some time later.]
Hi, me again. So um, this is weird. But you know how everyone talks about aphrodisiacs and how the city can drug you and stuff like that?
Can people like just get those? Like for themselves?
Can you maybe do it? I can't buy stuff but I can ask my brother for the money for you.
Oh wait, is that asking you to like illegally buy it for me? Never mind, just tell me where and I'll ask Tommy to do it and he can just laugh forever. Thanks.
Oh wait, is that asking you to like illegally buy it for me? Never mind, just tell me where and I'll ask Tommy to do it and he can just laugh forever. Thanks.
Okay. I'll pay you back ... or I can do errands or something for you?
The laughing isn't that big a deal though, he does it anyway.
The laughing isn't that big a deal though, he does it anyway.
Okay. Thanks. I mean if you'd wanted to. . .
Thanks for being nice.
Thanks for being nice.
I will. And if you need anything I can do then just ask too.
couple of weeks? its not impossible after that i don't think that's just the oldest i've tried and it was a pain in the ass
like. look. you should get a professional to tattoo u i think we both know mine are garbage but it also sounds like fun
something cute too. i can do an alright flower :)
like. look. you should get a professional to tattoo u i think we both know mine are garbage but it also sounds like fun
something cute too. i can do an alright flower :)
yes. we should definitely do that. it's not a horny thing i just like tattoos (but we should definitely do that if i wasn't clear)
( he types and deletes a few things in response to that, the dot dot dot's appearing and disappearing for a couple of minutes, and then: )
i'm in my room come bother me when u get a chance
doors open
( he types and deletes a few things in response to that, the dot dot dot's appearing and disappearing for a couple of minutes, and then: )
i'm in my room come bother me when u get a chance
doors open
Shockingly, no. Definitely later.
( he grins from his spot on the bed, sat with one leg stretched out in front of him and the other twisted so his ankle rests on his thigh. he wasn't joking about the tattoos out of boredom idea it seems, because there's a tattoo needle in his hand and a bottle of ink on the bedside table.
nick motions to a spot on the bed next to him, with that stupid kind of smile that's exclusively reserved for kyle, ducking his head quickly to keep that to himself. )
Do you want a new tattoo?
( conversationally, like it's not touching on a very heavy topic they've never really discussed before. )
( he grins from his spot on the bed, sat with one leg stretched out in front of him and the other twisted so his ankle rests on his thigh. he wasn't joking about the tattoos out of boredom idea it seems, because there's a tattoo needle in his hand and a bottle of ink on the bedside table.
nick motions to a spot on the bed next to him, with that stupid kind of smile that's exclusively reserved for kyle, ducking his head quickly to keep that to himself. )
Do you want a new tattoo?
( conversationally, like it's not touching on a very heavy topic they've never really discussed before. )
I only ever do little ones on myself, I'm not that good with pain.
( there's a few examples littered around his body to demonstrate the point — the wonky stick figure on the inside of his elbow, the little smiley face on his knee. he looks vaguely amused about it, like nick's pain tolerance is an inside joke for them.
nick thumbs over the small sketch he's traced out on his ankle, then glances back over briefly at kyle. he waits a moment to respond though, until he's dipped the end of the needle into the ink pot and starts to push it into his skin along the line he'd drawn out. )
You don't really talk about it. The tattoo.
( the ex, either. he doesn't really know how to bring things up, but gently dangling the topic while he's doing something else is as good a start as any. )
( there's a few examples littered around his body to demonstrate the point — the wonky stick figure on the inside of his elbow, the little smiley face on his knee. he looks vaguely amused about it, like nick's pain tolerance is an inside joke for them.
nick thumbs over the small sketch he's traced out on his ankle, then glances back over briefly at kyle. he waits a moment to respond though, until he's dipped the end of the needle into the ink pot and starts to push it into his skin along the line he'd drawn out. )
You don't really talk about it. The tattoo.
( the ex, either. he doesn't really know how to bring things up, but gently dangling the topic while he's doing something else is as good a start as any. )
Your motivation works wonders.
( it would be easy to just keep joking about that, and pretend there's nothing else here to talk about at all. kyle would probably let him, he's always been unreasonably good about letting nick duck away from heavy topics of discussion. too good, really.
but nick wants to know more, even if it means hurtling towards that feeling that things are serious faster and faster. he reaches out the outstretched foot until he can nudge at kyle's thigh, tucking his toes under his leg and nodding as he listens. occasionally he pauses his progress along the line, but he tries to keep working as kyle talks. )
You're not an idiot.
( he says it softly, turns to dip the needle again as he says it. )
You loved him, that's not stupid. If there's an idiot in that situation, it isn't you. Did he ever...do anything like that for you?
( it would be easy to just keep joking about that, and pretend there's nothing else here to talk about at all. kyle would probably let him, he's always been unreasonably good about letting nick duck away from heavy topics of discussion. too good, really.
but nick wants to know more, even if it means hurtling towards that feeling that things are serious faster and faster. he reaches out the outstretched foot until he can nudge at kyle's thigh, tucking his toes under his leg and nodding as he listens. occasionally he pauses his progress along the line, but he tries to keep working as kyle talks. )
You're not an idiot.
( he says it softly, turns to dip the needle again as he says it. )
You loved him, that's not stupid. If there's an idiot in that situation, it isn't you. Did he ever...do anything like that for you?
( he's doing a pretty good job of keeping his eyes on the tattoo he's very slowly etching out into his skin, chewing slightly on the inside of his cheek in the moments where it feels tender and wiping it off with the corner of a nearby towel when the ink gets too messy, but it's hard.
it's hard, because he kind of wants to make sure this guy knows just how stupid he was for ever letting things with kyle fall apart, for twisting something that could have been something good and turning it into what clearly has become a painful memory. he wants to tell kyle he'd never do something like that, he'd never hurt him like that, that he'd never lie like that.
but he can't say that. because they're not together. because this isn't serious. because that's what nick wants. )
You didn't deserve that, ( he says finally, glad for the excuse to frown as he keeps jabbing along the lines. ) I'm sorry. You're...a really good person. Taking advantage of that is fucked up. I hope you told him to go fuck himself.
it's hard, because he kind of wants to make sure this guy knows just how stupid he was for ever letting things with kyle fall apart, for twisting something that could have been something good and turning it into what clearly has become a painful memory. he wants to tell kyle he'd never do something like that, he'd never hurt him like that, that he'd never lie like that.
but he can't say that. because they're not together. because this isn't serious. because that's what nick wants. )
You didn't deserve that, ( he says finally, glad for the excuse to frown as he keeps jabbing along the lines. ) I'm sorry. You're...a really good person. Taking advantage of that is fucked up. I hope you told him to go fuck himself.
( nick needs two hands to do this properly, one to hold the skin taut and one to wield the needle. it's a good excuse to stop him from reaching for kyle immediately, in a way that feels very transparent. it doesn't last long though, he's only halfway done when he pauses, longer this time. )
You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
( he starts, quiet, and then he leans over so that he can squeeze at kyle's wrist. he doesn't even bother trying to mask his expression into something less exposing when he looks at the other man, visibly soft, sad, sympathetic all in one. )
I don't— if it's too hard still— but it's a part of you. Even if what happened to you is fucking awful. So if you want to talk...I'm listening.
You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
( he starts, quiet, and then he leans over so that he can squeeze at kyle's wrist. he doesn't even bother trying to mask his expression into something less exposing when he looks at the other man, visibly soft, sad, sympathetic all in one. )
I don't— if it's too hard still— but it's a part of you. Even if what happened to you is fucking awful. So if you want to talk...I'm listening.
You're not making me deal with anything, I asked.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick "doesn't do serious", in any form, no matter what it's about. and yet more and more, kyle is the exception to that. nick never would have dreamed of talking about exes with anyone else, but here he is, the one doing the asking, because he wants to know kyle.
he holds his gaze a beat longer before returning to one of the arms of the cactus, and when he frowns he can tell himself that it's because the digging pain of the needle into his ankle is getting to him, and not because the thought of kyle being hurt like that is devastating. )
That's— I'm glad he helped. No one should have to go through that, you deserve better. I hope you know that.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick "doesn't do serious", in any form, no matter what it's about. and yet more and more, kyle is the exception to that. nick never would have dreamed of talking about exes with anyone else, but here he is, the one doing the asking, because he wants to know kyle.
he holds his gaze a beat longer before returning to one of the arms of the cactus, and when he frowns he can tell himself that it's because the digging pain of the needle into his ankle is getting to him, and not because the thought of kyle being hurt like that is devastating. )
That's— I'm glad he helped. No one should have to go through that, you deserve better. I hope you know that.
(screened comment)
We never discussed in-patient treatment, and now he's gone. I've got enough meds for now, but they're not really...stabilizing anything.
[Or the opioids are fucking with them. Also a possibility, though the doctors at the hospital knew what he was on before they prescribed the painkillers, so, at least they aren't totally contraindicated. They juat don't seem as concerned about ssubstance abuse here.
He hates admitting that he's feeling unstable, hates even suggesting he's not okay, or that he needs help, but. At least Kyle already knows he's sick...not right...whatever. And bad things happen when he gets unstable, and he does not want that here.]
[Or the opioids are fucking with them. Also a possibility, though the doctors at the hospital knew what he was on before they prescribed the painkillers, so, at least they aren't totally contraindicated. They juat don't seem as concerned about ssubstance abuse here.
He hates admitting that he's feeling unstable, hates even suggesting he's not okay, or that he needs help, but. At least Kyle already knows he's sick...not right...whatever. And bad things happen when he gets unstable, and he does not want that here.]
We've got to tell Alex something. I can't just....not come home. He might worry. [Especially since Bass has a target on his back. And Alex did seem upset when he almost died, so.]
But I think that'd be good. I promised Alex I wouldn't go back to hurting myself like I used to, but. That's becoming a hard promise to keep, and I do not want to break my promise to him. I don't do that. I keep my word. But my own willpower's been...weak lately.
If the clinic can help me, I'll happily go. Plenty of folks back home would think that's where I belong.
But I think that'd be good. I promised Alex I wouldn't go back to hurting myself like I used to, but. That's becoming a hard promise to keep, and I do not want to break my promise to him. I don't do that. I keep my word. But my own willpower's been...weak lately.
If the clinic can help me, I'll happily go. Plenty of folks back home would think that's where I belong.
He doesn't need to know all the "whys" of it on an existential level. But I can tell him about my symptoms being worse and that I was worried, so I got help. I can do that. There's no need to discuss what set me spiralling. It's not logical or relevant. Just my fucked up brain doing what it always does. I'm supposed to be better. The meds were supposed to stop me doing the same patterns, keep me from fucking this up, too. He's good and I love him, and he shouldn't have to put up with the mess that is me.
But maybe they can fix me, make me better. Maybe I just needed more help than 2x a week could provide, yeah?
So, I'll tell him I came to you for help and this is best for now. At least he'll get a break from dealing with me.
But maybe they can fix me, make me better. Maybe I just needed more help than 2x a week could provide, yeah?
So, I'll tell him I came to you for help and this is best for now. At least he'll get a break from dealing with me.
That's fine. You can tell him I was worried about being a danger, if that helps him understand. The last time I got like this, when I spiraled and the voices started, people got hurt, *I* got hurt. I would never hurt him in my right mind, but if I snap....and if I'm hearimg the voices through the meds...that's bad, right? And then I'd want to die more than I always do.
When can the clinic admit me?
When can the clinic admit me?
I just sent him a message with the gist of it, but I don't know all the logistical atuff. When he can visit, if he wants to, or how long it might be. I know in-patient rehab is often 28 days, but this is more than that, or not jusat that, at least.
If it doesn't work...you can just compel me not to hurt myself or anyone else, right? Does compulsion work to override craziness?
Thank you, Kyle. Honestly--I can't say it enough. Could you maybe send Alex a list of what I'm allowed to have in there as personal possessions? I don't really want this t-shirt to be all I've got for however long, and I'm guessing my razor is a non-starter. [Maybe he's never been institutionalized before, but he's seen his fair share of movies.]
If it doesn't work...you can just compel me not to hurt myself or anyone else, right? Does compulsion work to override craziness?
Thank you, Kyle. Honestly--I can't say it enough. Could you maybe send Alex a list of what I'm allowed to have in there as personal possessions? I don't really want this t-shirt to be all I've got for however long, and I'm guessing my razor is a non-starter. [Maybe he's never been institutionalized before, but he's seen his fair share of movies.]
Yeah, you're probably right. It's just not been my experience in life. Better to be prepared for the worst. Then you don't get blindsided when it happens.
Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.
Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.
Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.
Okay - I didn't mean to suggest anything that would make you uncomfortable. I just thought it seemed like a way to make sure I don't hurt anyone, including myself. But I won't ask you to do anything that upsets you.
Thanks. I can handle being sacruffy, but I don't want to wind up with a full beard.
Yeah, me too. Now, I'm crossing my fingers they can actually help.
Funnily enough, I do know that, but it's kinda in my actual diagnosis to not be able to do so easily. My doc and I were working on it, with limited success.
I can see how it would be. [Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]
Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.
Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?
I can see how it would be. [Thought, really, he'd have been far better suited to being a Submissive here, if he'd had someone he trusted. Turning his life over to someone else to run had to make it better than he managed on his own. Except...basically doing that with Miles had led to mostly badness.]
Thank you. I don't know that I've ever been able to see myself to "healthy," but healthier would be nice. Maybe a new doc will have a new perspective.
Listen - I need you to be there for Alex through this. He's not taking it well, and is trying to blame himself, and poked me until I said some atuff I've been lying about to not upset him. I'm new to this putting someone else's needs above my own, and that seems to require *not* being honest about how I feel. But he needs to not blame himself. I'm trying to make sure he has what he needs to be happy; I've just realized I can't do that on my own, that I need help. But that's due to my deep-seated psychological issues, not because he did anything wrong. So, please...don't let him wallow?
So do I. All I want is for him to be happy, whatever that takes or looks like. But he's already beating himself up over this.
I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.
You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.
I hear you. I just don't know hoe to work with him, not against him. Not in my skillset, though I'm willing to learn.
You can speak to him about whatever you want. I'd prefer it not go farther, but. He probably needs someone to talk to, and I can't help but feel and know that I'm in the wrong here, but he thinks he is, and this is his fault. It's not. But I'm also really not trying to manipulate the situation. I'm doing the best I can, trying as hard as I can. There are just some things that are literally out of my scope of abilities, particularly now. And that's not on him. Just because I'm fucked up, he shouldn't have to suffer. Anyone else would've been out the door months ago--I know that from experience. He deserves better than I know how to be. So, yeah. If this Henry Foster guy's got any experience working with BPD, and paranoia and dissociation, I'd love to sit down with him. Thank you.
Yes, learning is sort of the point of therapy--I'm not trying to say that I am helpless and can't learn new skills, just commenting it's currently not in my skillset and I might falter along the way of learning how to do things I've never managed before. I've learned a lot in the last couple of years, but navigating these waters wasn't something we covered. Hopefully this Mr. Foster is a good teacher. I'm more than willing to do whatever work needs doing. I just need a guide to show me the way.
Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.
Thank you for that. I told Liz ands Maria that I was going, because I'm resaponsible for Liz, and she needed to know I'll be gone, and Mariaknew I needed help, so I wanted her to know I was getting it. I'm not really used to being this exposed and vulnerable. I always *feel* like I am, but that's part of my disorder, too.
Sorry - I didn't think you were. I'm just kinda used to people questioning my commitment to being a better person. Or if I'm worth trying to help. Thank you. The gang didn't have anything to do with this. They blindsided me, but I fought them off. I survived. Two of them didn't.
Thanks, me too.
Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.
Thanks, me too.
Maybe. That's just a really new concept for me and goes againat everything I've had drilled in my head for 17 years.
I'm going to keep giving it everything I have.
I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.
I'm trying. But when the people you loved and trusted most have all tried to kill you...trusting new people to actually be there for you takes a lot of work.
Why would I dislike you for looking out for him and being a good friend? I know you're right and that was one of the first things the Doc and I worked on. I still struggle sometimes, what with the disorder-born paranoia, but I know he's not them, and I trust him more than I ever thought I would trust again. But letting *other* people see me vulnerable and not expecting them to take advantage, trusting people who say they want to be there for me? That's a different story to make myself believe. I know Alex cares and wants what's best for me. I don't feel certain about that...larger support network. But I would rather you all be there for him, anyway.
I'm never going to complain about you all supporting and caring about him--or about me for his sake. I'm glad he has you. I appreciate the lack of judgment and that you believe I'm genuinely trying to work on my issues and be better.
( he knows he's being a coward. he knows he's being stupid and reactive and he's pretty sure that he's going to regret this the moment he goes through with it. but there's a nagging voice in the back of his head that says get out, get out, get out and he can't ignore it. not when there's the paperwork literally sat in front of him.
a week ago he would have signed it. now, nick can't even look at it.
they've barely crossed paths all week and that's the worst part, because nick knows it's because of what nick said, but the awful nasty part of him that needs to escape twists that too, until it's hard to see it as anything other than a rejection of it's own. kyle has never pushed nick into anything he didn't want to do, never made him feel uncomfortable, or try to press an issue nick didn't want to engage with, and it makes perfect sense that he would be exactly the same way with this.
but the lonely hours of the middle of the night spent alone in his own bed easily twist it into something its not, until all he can think about is that it's for the best of everyone if he goes. the bedroom door has been magically locked for two days to stop anyone besides nick from coming in or out, so that no one would know when he started packing.
he could leave without saying anything. kyle would probably let him. maybe that would be better than whatever this is, but it still feels cruel. so he does something only slightly better, and sends him a text. )
so i think i'm probably going to go. i'll take chester with me but cullen likes the sun too much so if you don't mind i think he should stay.
i really appreciate you letting me stay here for a bit, it's been fun.
( even after he hits send, there's the icon that indicates nick is still typing for a very long time after, until eventually it disappears. )
a week ago he would have signed it. now, nick can't even look at it.
they've barely crossed paths all week and that's the worst part, because nick knows it's because of what nick said, but the awful nasty part of him that needs to escape twists that too, until it's hard to see it as anything other than a rejection of it's own. kyle has never pushed nick into anything he didn't want to do, never made him feel uncomfortable, or try to press an issue nick didn't want to engage with, and it makes perfect sense that he would be exactly the same way with this.
but the lonely hours of the middle of the night spent alone in his own bed easily twist it into something its not, until all he can think about is that it's for the best of everyone if he goes. the bedroom door has been magically locked for two days to stop anyone besides nick from coming in or out, so that no one would know when he started packing.
he could leave without saying anything. kyle would probably let him. maybe that would be better than whatever this is, but it still feels cruel. so he does something only slightly better, and sends him a text. )
so i think i'm probably going to go. i'll take chester with me but cullen likes the sun too much so if you don't mind i think he should stay.
i really appreciate you letting me stay here for a bit, it's been fun.
( even after he hits send, there's the icon that indicates nick is still typing for a very long time after, until eventually it disappears. )
( there's the dot dot dots again as nick writes and deletes and rewrites and deletes, because there's a hundred things that he wants to say — and a thousand things that he should say — but half the problem is that he can't find the words.
if nick knew how to express even half of what he was thinking properly, he probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. so, as always — when in doubt, he just lies. )
i just think this is the best move for the both of us.
youve got a spare room now, someone else can move in if you want them to.
im going to be fine.
ive got some things sorted out, you don't have to worry about me or anything.
just like. look after yourself ok.
youre a really great guy someones gonna have the time of their life with you.
if nick knew how to express even half of what he was thinking properly, he probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. so, as always — when in doubt, he just lies. )
i just think this is the best move for the both of us.
youve got a spare room now, someone else can move in if you want them to.
im going to be fine.
ive got some things sorted out, you don't have to worry about me or anything.
just like. look after yourself ok.
youre a really great guy someones gonna have the time of their life with you.
( this is the part that nick was dreading. he should have waited longer, so he didn't actually have to have the conversation. something caught between guilt and misery shatters, and he's so close to throwing all his resolve away and yanking the door open. he could do it, he could say sorry and beg forgiveness and kyle would probably let him, and they could forget any of this ever happened.
instead he just squeezes the device so tight that his palms ache, feeling a little like he's screaming internally as he runs over the words again and again. because he knows if he opens the door, he'll change his mind, but nick is so convinced that he's making the right choice for all of them. )
it's really not you. it's not. it's me. i need to go. i'm sorry.
( it doesn't make him feel any better, but at least he can try and make sure they're all on the same page about what's happening here. nick is the problem, and he's weeding himself out like a poisonous root. )
instead he just squeezes the device so tight that his palms ache, feeling a little like he's screaming internally as he runs over the words again and again. because he knows if he opens the door, he'll change his mind, but nick is so convinced that he's making the right choice for all of them. )
it's really not you. it's not. it's me. i need to go. i'm sorry.
( it doesn't make him feel any better, but at least he can try and make sure they're all on the same page about what's happening here. nick is the problem, and he's weeding himself out like a poisonous root. )
Kyle Valenti,
Greetings, and I hope this message finds you well.
My name is Anduin Wrynn. We may not know each other well, but we have served as colleagues at Haven Hospital under the leadership of Anders. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that Anders no longer resides within the city, and so leadership of the hospital going forward has been entrusted to me.
I wish to assure everyone that we will continue to offer our services as we always have, and strive to offer our very best to those who come to us seeking aid. Maintaining a presence in the Down given the recent turmoil is more important than ever before, and you have my deepest gratitude for your contributions in that pursuit.
I understand there may be questions and concerns, and I would like to make myself available to each of you in order to discuss these matters. I would also like to hear your thoughts as to improvements that you believe may be made, as well as considerations towards filling some of the vacancies left behind. Among those include the position of Head Magical Healer, which I will be continuing to to manage until such time as a proper replacement can be found.
You are welcome to reply to this message to arrange a suitable time to meet with me, or to offer what input you may have in the meanwhile. My door will remain open should any issues arrive in the future that you believe require my attention. Know that I value your skills, your knowledge, and your compassion for those we serve, and I will do my utmost to maintain a secure and stable environment for all of us to continue our good work.
Light go with you.
Anduin Llane Wrynn
Greetings, and I hope this message finds you well.
My name is Anduin Wrynn. We may not know each other well, but we have served as colleagues at Haven Hospital under the leadership of Anders. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that Anders no longer resides within the city, and so leadership of the hospital going forward has been entrusted to me.
I wish to assure everyone that we will continue to offer our services as we always have, and strive to offer our very best to those who come to us seeking aid. Maintaining a presence in the Down given the recent turmoil is more important than ever before, and you have my deepest gratitude for your contributions in that pursuit.
I understand there may be questions and concerns, and I would like to make myself available to each of you in order to discuss these matters. I would also like to hear your thoughts as to improvements that you believe may be made, as well as considerations towards filling some of the vacancies left behind. Among those include the position of Head Magical Healer, which I will be continuing to to manage until such time as a proper replacement can be found.
You are welcome to reply to this message to arrange a suitable time to meet with me, or to offer what input you may have in the meanwhile. My door will remain open should any issues arrive in the future that you believe require my attention. Know that I value your skills, your knowledge, and your compassion for those we serve, and I will do my utmost to maintain a secure and stable environment for all of us to continue our good work.
Light go with you.
Anduin Llane Wrynn
FUCK.
I've been bitten by whatever the hell these things are going around. Distract me so I won't do what everyone else is doing and posting whatever the hell is on my mind on the public network.
I've been bitten by whatever the hell these things are going around. Distract me so I won't do what everyone else is doing and posting whatever the hell is on my mind on the public network.
No, let's just...ignore my drama. We've been through all but the kiss the other day and nothing's really changed with anything else. Nothing will change until Bass is out.
Why isn't it the best of times? What's wrong?
Why isn't it the best of times? What's wrong?
Depends on how you define 'troubles'. With Bass, no. Though that's as much because I haven't mentioned it yet. I'm trying not to do anything that will disturb him, though I think he's mostly worried about Guerin. You slid under the radar.
Have you tried talking about it? Recent experience has taught that talking might do more harm than good, but it's at least worth a chance. Avoiding seems a little extreme.
Have you tried talking about it? Recent experience has taught that talking might do more harm than good, but it's at least worth a chance. Avoiding seems a little extreme.
I don't know how you went from my tongue down your throat to quirky sidekick, but you're wrong.
Maybe you can't blame him, but should he really blame you for your feelings? We can't help who we fall for. Or who we have complicated feelings for.
[ Did he say something? Of course not. Moving on. ]
I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you're talking about Nick. My odds are 50/50 with the men I know you know who you could be talking about and Guerin would tell you to back off to your face.
Maybe you can't blame him, but should he really blame you for your feelings? We can't help who we fall for. Or who we have complicated feelings for.
[ Did he say something? Of course not. Moving on. ]
I'm going to take a wild leap and guess that you're talking about Nick. My odds are 50/50 with the men I know you know who you could be talking about and Guerin would tell you to back off to your face.
Edited 2021-06-02 01:23 (UTC)
I just don't want to make things even weirder than they already are. Which I always seem to manage. You finding out I wanted to kiss you was not on my list of things to do to get back to the way they were before.
[ And damn. ]
Now you see why I wanted to talk to someone off the public network.
Look, I saw for myself how much he gave a damn about you when the video came out. When I came over to see how you were doing, he put himself at the door to block the way. It was only when I proved I knew you that he let me in.
Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't YOUR feelings he was running from?
[ And damn. ]
Now you see why I wanted to talk to someone off the public network.
Look, I saw for myself how much he gave a damn about you when the video came out. When I came over to see how you were doing, he put himself at the door to block the way. It was only when I proved I knew you that he let me in.
Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't YOUR feelings he was running from?
Just throwing it out there? I didn't
[ And the text ends there and his fingers are forced to type another word. Because even if he's admitted his feelings about Guerin, weren't there times in this city when he'd wondered about Kyle? Dismissed, sure, but wondered. After they'd had sex until they stopped talking. Now again over the last few weeks.
But Kyle's treating it like it was no big deal and just a thing that happened, so he's not going to draw any more attention to it, especially since they're talking about Kyle's issues and not Alex's. ]
don't want to admit I had have feelings for anyone but Bass, either. Didn't want to admit I had feelings for HIM for the longest time. And I really know what it's like when it comes to running from those feelings.
Look, I don't pry too hard into Guerin's love life, but I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping with Nick. I'm willing to bet that you are. Or at least were. So I call bullshit on him caring about you like he does Guerin.
Feelings are hard. I spent nearly two-thirds of my life running from them.
[ And the text ends there and his fingers are forced to type another word. Because even if he's admitted his feelings about Guerin, weren't there times in this city when he'd wondered about Kyle? Dismissed, sure, but wondered. After they'd had sex until they stopped talking. Now again over the last few weeks.
But Kyle's treating it like it was no big deal and just a thing that happened, so he's not going to draw any more attention to it, especially since they're talking about Kyle's issues and not Alex's. ]
don't want to admit I had have feelings for anyone but Bass, either. Didn't want to admit I had feelings for HIM for the longest time. And I really know what it's like when it comes to running from those feelings.
Look, I don't pry too hard into Guerin's love life, but I'm pretty sure he's not sleeping with Nick. I'm willing to bet that you are. Or at least were. So I call bullshit on him caring about you like he does Guerin.
Feelings are hard. I spent nearly two-thirds of my life running from them.
[ He hadn't thought that texting Kyle when he couldn't lie - was forced, even, to tell the truth - would be that much of a problem. Or maybe he'd done it knowing subconsciously the kind of thing that might come out. Now that he'd admitted to himself and to Bass, even, his feelings for Guerin, maybe it was that much easier to admit that there might be something here, too. ]
Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
Sometimes you have feelings for the people that you're not sleeping with. The people who've been there almost your whole life, even when they were being assholes.
[ Fuck. ]
You're right. I'm just saying, don't count him out. I have a long history of being the idiot and pushing people away and I know the signs.
After everything that I've been going through the last month or two, I think it'd be unfair to make anyone else go through that, too.
I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
I'll say this once - and every time you need to hear it again - YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You were an asshole in high school. Guerin would probably agree that I was, too. We both did things we regret and things we don't and we shouldn't have to keep that with us for the rest of our lives.
If you want to be more recent, I've done asshole things here, too, so you don't deserve to carry anything else you might be blaming yourself for, either.
And since we know I can't lie right now, I mean it, okay?
There's a difference between being there for me and being in it with me. Like Guerin is. I think it's unfair for him to be in it and dealing with it, but he's stubborn like that.
I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
You do deserve it, Kyle. Of course you do.
I'm not going to pull anyone else I have feelings for into dealing directly with Bass's jealousy.
But leaning on friends for support? Of course I'm doing that.
You do deserve it, Kyle. Of course you do.
I will say I'm surprised that the two of you never hooked up here.
Hey. So I hope this is still okay to talk to you about. After everything. Which I'm sorry about if it's weird for you but if it's not I'm not that sorry? We can just pretend it never happened if you want though. Or I can find someone else to talk to about meds.
But uh, until then, I think maybe I need to adjust them a little? Or maybe. It's hard to tell if you're mood swinging because you're depression crashing or because this place is doing stuff.
But if you're not comfortable helping me then that's okay.
But uh, until then, I think maybe I need to adjust them a little? Or maybe. It's hard to tell if you're mood swinging because you're depression crashing or because this place is doing stuff.
But if you're not comfortable helping me then that's okay.
Okay. Thanks. I just didn't want to put you in a bad position or something. Or make it super weird.
Uh, I'm okay. I mean I live in the Down but there's hotels that say they'll take us if it gets bad, and I could probably stay with my Dom if I had to. But I can get to the Up, I can still teleport.
Uh, I'm okay. I mean I live in the Down but there's hotels that say they'll take us if it gets bad, and I could probably stay with my Dom if I had to. But I can get to the Up, I can still teleport.
I mean, many things make me uncomfortable but I don't think you can drain the Down or punch the Creator in the face. So nothing YOU do makes me uncomfortable.
There's hotels or something they said. But maybe? Who is "we" are are you sure they wouldn't mind?
There's hotels or something they said. But maybe? Who is "we" are are you sure they wouldn't mind?
It doesn't, promise.
Oh, right. I remember, I tried to read him and couldn't. I guess he probably wouldn't notice company. But let me know what Nick says?
... handsy? Like he has hands?
Oh, right. I remember, I tried to read him and couldn't. I guess he probably wouldn't notice company. But let me know what Nick says?
... handsy? Like he has hands?
YOU SAID HANDS, YOU DIDN'T SAY A TON OF TEETH!!!!
But he's kind of weirdly cute? Is he going to eat my eyeballs or anything?
But he's kind of weirdly cute? Is he going to eat my eyeballs or anything?
He eats chips and cheetos?
That is weirdly amazing.
That is weirdly amazing.
dont freak out this isnt a break up text or a nick's about to do something dumb text or any of those sorts of things but like
i need 2 talk to u abt something and im messaging now so that we actually talk about it when ur home and i dont just like continue to not do that
is that ok
i need 2 talk to u abt something and im messaging now so that we actually talk about it when ur home and i dont just like continue to not do that
is that ok
i bet there's some kind of early warning system magic someone could rig up. some bit of jewellery that vibrates whenever i'm about to be a dumbass
it's not
bad
its just complicated and i probably should have talked to u about it earlier but i didnt for like a lot of reasons but its not bad
it's not
bad
its just complicated and i probably should have talked to u about it earlier but i didnt for like a lot of reasons but its not bad
you can be a little bit cheesy i'll allow it
ok i am like technically already here im just procrastinating
but i want to like say if ur confused or u dont understand or like whatever u feel about stuff i want to actually talk about it
and if u have questions i'll answer them
like be honest dont just be like 'if thats what u think u want' ok?
full amnesty u can say whatever u want just dont like yell
ok i am like technically already here im just procrastinating
but i want to like say if ur confused or u dont understand or like whatever u feel about stuff i want to actually talk about it
and if u have questions i'll answer them
like be honest dont just be like 'if thats what u think u want' ok?
full amnesty u can say whatever u want just dont like yell
( when nick walks into kyle's room, he sounds a little like he's striking up the conversation midway through a discussion, the pre-rehearsal he's been chewing over doing nothing to soothe nick's frayed nerves. )
It's really not that bad, or like. I don't know, it just seems like something I should talk to you about.
( he frowns, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he looks at kyle, but he crosses the room and sits on the bed without hesitating. slightly mixed signals, probably, but it doesn't last for long at least. he huffs, but keeps talking, holding a hand out for kyle to take. )
You never watched the video, did you?
It's really not that bad, or like. I don't know, it just seems like something I should talk to you about.
( he frowns, chewing at the inside of his cheek as he looks at kyle, but he crosses the room and sits on the bed without hesitating. slightly mixed signals, probably, but it doesn't last for long at least. he huffs, but keeps talking, holding a hand out for kyle to take. )
You never watched the video, did you?
Right, so you know...enough. Not who was involved.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick very much doesn't talk about that whole incident, even by nick's standards of avoidance. he does a lot to avoid talking about pretty much that entire period, the whole stressful month from the realignment cell through to kyle's release from prison.
but he was serious about wanting to be better, and if the blowout with ragnor was anything to go by then there's nothing to be gained by keeping things to himself. actually it just tends to blow up in his face. )
I don't— it's not like— the person who's punishment it was, we...kept seeing each other. After the video. I didn't really tell anyone 'cause I thought they would freak out.
( it's not exactly a secret that nick very much doesn't talk about that whole incident, even by nick's standards of avoidance. he does a lot to avoid talking about pretty much that entire period, the whole stressful month from the realignment cell through to kyle's release from prison.
but he was serious about wanting to be better, and if the blowout with ragnor was anything to go by then there's nothing to be gained by keeping things to himself. actually it just tends to blow up in his face. )
I don't— it's not like— the person who's punishment it was, we...kept seeing each other. After the video. I didn't really tell anyone 'cause I thought they would freak out.
( he tugs kyle's hand closer to him, so that he can quickly duck a kiss against his knuckles, but even when nick is done with all that he keeps kyle's hand close, squeezing his fingers lightly. )
I don't know. Maybe a little at first, but it was more like— he already knew exactly what that was like, so it was just...easy.
( he's not defensive, but nick can feel the knee jerk instinct to argue, to defend himself. communication has never been nick's strong point, but he made a point to tell kyle to ask questions and be honest. he drags his thumbs over kyle's knuckles, looks at their joined hands, actually takes half a second to think before he speaks.
none of it comes naturally to nick, who would have hightailed it long before this conversation only a few weeks ago, but he's trying. )
I don't like, expect us to keep each other up to date on everyone we're hooking up with or anything stupid like that. You know? This is like— he's...important to me now, does that make sense? But I don't want me and you to blow up in my face because I kept it from you.
I don't know. Maybe a little at first, but it was more like— he already knew exactly what that was like, so it was just...easy.
( he's not defensive, but nick can feel the knee jerk instinct to argue, to defend himself. communication has never been nick's strong point, but he made a point to tell kyle to ask questions and be honest. he drags his thumbs over kyle's knuckles, looks at their joined hands, actually takes half a second to think before he speaks.
none of it comes naturally to nick, who would have hightailed it long before this conversation only a few weeks ago, but he's trying. )
I don't like, expect us to keep each other up to date on everyone we're hooking up with or anything stupid like that. You know? This is like— he's...important to me now, does that make sense? But I don't want me and you to blow up in my face because I kept it from you.
It doesn't mean anything about us.
( nick drags his eyes up from their hands, to meet kyle's instead. he's a little stressed, he can't hide that, but that's just talking — what they're talking about, or touching on at least. he reaches his other hand up, touches his fingers to kyle's cheeks lightly. )
I just...Ragnor saw before I told him and things got seriously out of hand. And I know it's not the same, I don't even know if you'd recognise him but like, that's not the point. He was so mad. I don't want to fight with you about shit.
( what is the point, exactly? that he still feels like he's lying, maybe. that it feels wrong to have kyle touching on filthy conversations when he doesn't know the full story. that there shouldn't be parts of nick that he's still hiding from kyle, maybe. )
I don't know if you remember the uh...marking your territory thing. Or the finder conversations, but. That's him, that's Logan.
( nick drags his eyes up from their hands, to meet kyle's instead. he's a little stressed, he can't hide that, but that's just talking — what they're talking about, or touching on at least. he reaches his other hand up, touches his fingers to kyle's cheeks lightly. )
I just...Ragnor saw before I told him and things got seriously out of hand. And I know it's not the same, I don't even know if you'd recognise him but like, that's not the point. He was so mad. I don't want to fight with you about shit.
( what is the point, exactly? that he still feels like he's lying, maybe. that it feels wrong to have kyle touching on filthy conversations when he doesn't know the full story. that there shouldn't be parts of nick that he's still hiding from kyle, maybe. )
I don't know if you remember the uh...marking your territory thing. Or the finder conversations, but. That's him, that's Logan.
Yeah, it was um— right before I moved out, actually.
( which probably gives a little more context for why that whole situation went so spectacularly south. nick has never dealt with being overwhelmed well, and coming off of that fight, the self-destructive spiral that followed, and then the contract renewal coming in at the perfect moment to make him panic.
it wasn't his finest moment. )
No, it's...I get it looks bad to people, and I didn't want to worry anyone, or freak them out, which is part of why I didn't tell anyone in the first place.
( as it turns out, it's easier to talk about things the closer kyle is. he still struggles through the sentences, trying to tease his own thoughts out in a coherent way as difficult as actually saying them, but it's easier with kyle's cheek in his palm, with his lips against nick's skin. nick shuffles closer until his knees knock against kyle's leg and he can lean up, pressing a kiss to kyle's forehead and staying there. )
It's not about hurting each other. I just— always knew he understood some shit that no one else did, and it made it easier to relax around him, I guess. But it's not us. I don't want what we have with him, I don't want you to think that's what this is.
( which probably gives a little more context for why that whole situation went so spectacularly south. nick has never dealt with being overwhelmed well, and coming off of that fight, the self-destructive spiral that followed, and then the contract renewal coming in at the perfect moment to make him panic.
it wasn't his finest moment. )
No, it's...I get it looks bad to people, and I didn't want to worry anyone, or freak them out, which is part of why I didn't tell anyone in the first place.
( as it turns out, it's easier to talk about things the closer kyle is. he still struggles through the sentences, trying to tease his own thoughts out in a coherent way as difficult as actually saying them, but it's easier with kyle's cheek in his palm, with his lips against nick's skin. nick shuffles closer until his knees knock against kyle's leg and he can lean up, pressing a kiss to kyle's forehead and staying there. )
It's not about hurting each other. I just— always knew he understood some shit that no one else did, and it made it easier to relax around him, I guess. But it's not us. I don't want what we have with him, I don't want you to think that's what this is.
Not as much as we should I guess, but we've talked about it more than I probably have with anyone else.
( in truth, he'd like to dress it up a little more. making it sound like nick and logan are perfectly healthy individuals and the past is just a matter of circumstance, because he knows kyle is worried. he can feel the tension there still, and this is part of what he'd been trying to avoid.
but lying has just made things worst in the past, and he said he was going to do better. getting caught out in a stupid lie and turning it into a reason to break up is what the old nick would have done. he's trying to be better than that. )
We've talked about...a lot. Enough. He's not a bad guy, I wouldn't bother with him if he was. But like...it's okay if you don't get it, or you think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to just understand, I sometimes don't still.
( in truth, he'd like to dress it up a little more. making it sound like nick and logan are perfectly healthy individuals and the past is just a matter of circumstance, because he knows kyle is worried. he can feel the tension there still, and this is part of what he'd been trying to avoid.
but lying has just made things worst in the past, and he said he was going to do better. getting caught out in a stupid lie and turning it into a reason to break up is what the old nick would have done. he's trying to be better than that. )
We've talked about...a lot. Enough. He's not a bad guy, I wouldn't bother with him if he was. But like...it's okay if you don't get it, or you think it's a bad idea. I don't expect you to just understand, I sometimes don't still.
Okay.
( nick worms his way closer as best as he can, winding an arm around kyle's waist and dropping his head onto the other man's shoulder. nick is always very physical, but these sorts of moments seem to demand it more than ever.
he stays close and it brings with it more relief. especially after the way things had gone with ragnor, nick had been catastrophising this conversation with kyle. kyle wasn't a fighter but nick would picture it anyway, play out vicious barbs and loud dismissals for no reason other than his own anxieties. )
That's fair. It's not like it would be the first time I made a self-destructive choice and got in my feelings about it. ( he pauses ) It's not like....I don't want to date him. That's not why I'm telling you.
( nick worms his way closer as best as he can, winding an arm around kyle's waist and dropping his head onto the other man's shoulder. nick is always very physical, but these sorts of moments seem to demand it more than ever.
he stays close and it brings with it more relief. especially after the way things had gone with ragnor, nick had been catastrophising this conversation with kyle. kyle wasn't a fighter but nick would picture it anyway, play out vicious barbs and loud dismissals for no reason other than his own anxieties. )
That's fair. It's not like it would be the first time I made a self-destructive choice and got in my feelings about it. ( he pauses ) It's not like....I don't want to date him. That's not why I'm telling you.
That's why I didn't want you to watch it, you know. I didn't want you to have that image of me.
( nick settles into position in kyle's lap, easily, like it's becoming second nature. it takes no thought at all to brush his fingers through the front of kyle's hair, tugging idly at the short strands as he leans in to duck a quick kiss to his lips. just to punctuate the conversation. )
I'm like, all in on you. Okay? There's not— even if there's other people, other feelings, they're not going to replace you, or us. No one could. That hasn't changed.
( it's a nicer thing to talk about than michael, who was— more supportive than nick had expected, but he thinks that was probably more to do with michael walking in on nick right after the fight, still trying to recover. )
Michael heard the fight with Ragnor. We sort of talked about it then. I don't think he likes it, but...
( nick settles into position in kyle's lap, easily, like it's becoming second nature. it takes no thought at all to brush his fingers through the front of kyle's hair, tugging idly at the short strands as he leans in to duck a quick kiss to his lips. just to punctuate the conversation. )
I'm like, all in on you. Okay? There's not— even if there's other people, other feelings, they're not going to replace you, or us. No one could. That hasn't changed.
( it's a nicer thing to talk about than michael, who was— more supportive than nick had expected, but he thinks that was probably more to do with michael walking in on nick right after the fight, still trying to recover. )
Michael heard the fight with Ragnor. We sort of talked about it then. I don't think he likes it, but...
( something a little like tension he hadn't known he was holding unknots. it's not like he had ever expected kyle to demand that nick chooses, that's not what they've ever been like, but he's worried about it all the same. more than he'd realised.
he winds himself into kyle, an arm looped around his neck and the other hand wrapping loosely around his wrist. he nudges kyle's hand a little more securely around nick's throat. for no particular reason other than because he likes the feel of it. )
This...me and you? It's different. I don't want what we have with anyone else. Sex, feelings, it's whatever. It doesn't change that I'm yours.
( for someone with well documented commitment issues he sure does like the sound of that, you're mine, without the bells and whistles of whatever little game they're playing. just the simple statement. nick's commitment issues are sky high and well documented, but he doesn't want to run now.
he doesn't want to ask the question that's still tugging at his thoughts either, but he does anyway. he hadn't expected kyle to get angry about it either, but his realistic understanding of the man in his arms only does so much to dissuade knee jerk fears. he doesn't think that kyle is angry, but he wants to hear him say it anyway. )
You're not mad at me?
he winds himself into kyle, an arm looped around his neck and the other hand wrapping loosely around his wrist. he nudges kyle's hand a little more securely around nick's throat. for no particular reason other than because he likes the feel of it. )
This...me and you? It's different. I don't want what we have with anyone else. Sex, feelings, it's whatever. It doesn't change that I'm yours.
( for someone with well documented commitment issues he sure does like the sound of that, you're mine, without the bells and whistles of whatever little game they're playing. just the simple statement. nick's commitment issues are sky high and well documented, but he doesn't want to run now.
he doesn't want to ask the question that's still tugging at his thoughts either, but he does anyway. he hadn't expected kyle to get angry about it either, but his realistic understanding of the man in his arms only does so much to dissuade knee jerk fears. he doesn't think that kyle is angry, but he wants to hear him say it anyway. )
You're not mad at me?
I know. I get it, I do.
( or at least he thinks he does. it's hard not to read it as people not trusting his decisions sometimes, but then—
nick's decisions haven't exactly given people much cause to trust them lately, either, so maybe he deserves that. he rubs his thumb over the back of kyle's hand, pressing it forward just enough that he feels the pressure when he swallows. he sighs, leans forward and presses a quick kiss on kyle's lips. )
You don't need to worry about him. For any reason. He, um— ( the corner of his mouth tugs up into half a smile, and he rests his forehead against kyle's, eyes closing. ) When I...left, you know. He told me to come talk to you, fix things. He's a good guy, I swear. He's not the things he's done. Just like I know you're not.
( or at least he thinks he does. it's hard not to read it as people not trusting his decisions sometimes, but then—
nick's decisions haven't exactly given people much cause to trust them lately, either, so maybe he deserves that. he rubs his thumb over the back of kyle's hand, pressing it forward just enough that he feels the pressure when he swallows. he sighs, leans forward and presses a quick kiss on kyle's lips. )
You don't need to worry about him. For any reason. He, um— ( the corner of his mouth tugs up into half a smile, and he rests his forehead against kyle's, eyes closing. ) When I...left, you know. He told me to come talk to you, fix things. He's a good guy, I swear. He's not the things he's done. Just like I know you're not.
( it's not like he'd been deliberately angling to lead them there, so much as once it starts happening, it's hard to pull his focus anywhere else. it is an important conversation, it is one they needed to have, it's just—
well. he really likes the weight of kyle's hand on his throat, too.
he tries not to look so pleased about it though — tries not to look too pleased about the idea of kyle throwing threats around for him either. he doesn't want there to be violence anywhere, and he definitely doesn't want kyle put in the position of having to choose to be 'that monster'. but it's the possessiveness, again, the protectiveness, the claim staking that nick has always liked. now he's just better about admitting it. )
I think that's something you can both agree on.
( on all of it, actually. the taste. the faith. the violent protectiveness. never let it be said that nick doesn't have a type. he grins though, leaning in for another kiss, and this time he lingers. stays there even as he speaks again, a quiet murmur against his lips as he squeezes kyle's hand around his throat again. )
Are we done talking now?
well. he really likes the weight of kyle's hand on his throat, too.
he tries not to look so pleased about it though — tries not to look too pleased about the idea of kyle throwing threats around for him either. he doesn't want there to be violence anywhere, and he definitely doesn't want kyle put in the position of having to choose to be 'that monster'. but it's the possessiveness, again, the protectiveness, the claim staking that nick has always liked. now he's just better about admitting it. )
I think that's something you can both agree on.
( on all of it, actually. the taste. the faith. the violent protectiveness. never let it be said that nick doesn't have a type. he grins though, leaning in for another kiss, and this time he lingers. stays there even as he speaks again, a quiet murmur against his lips as he squeezes kyle's hand around his throat again. )
Are we done talking now?
( a big perk of dating officially is that nick no longer feels the need to skulk off back to his own room each morning. he still sleeps in his own room every now and then, but the majority of the time, he's more than happy to wake up in a warm haze, kyle's arms around him and sprawled out over his chest.
this morning is especially nice because kyle doesn't have anywhere to be, so there's no rush. nick happily takes his time blinking sleepily awake, tucked up into kyle's side and latched around him with an arm and a leg. even now he hasn't really let go, even if his inability to sit still has led to nick scrolling through the device to see what people are talking about. )
Hey, ( he tilts his head to look up at kyle, a little curious. casual, off-hand, like he wants to discuss the weather. certainly not something serious. ) we don't have plans this weekend right? I think I said I'd go help Reggie and Logan with his camming site this weekend.
this morning is especially nice because kyle doesn't have anywhere to be, so there's no rush. nick happily takes his time blinking sleepily awake, tucked up into kyle's side and latched around him with an arm and a leg. even now he hasn't really let go, even if his inability to sit still has led to nick scrolling through the device to see what people are talking about. )
Hey, ( he tilts his head to look up at kyle, a little curious. casual, off-hand, like he wants to discuss the weather. certainly not something serious. ) we don't have plans this weekend right? I think I said I'd go help Reggie and Logan with his camming site this weekend.
What?
( nick actually looks confused for a moment, as if it's some kind of stretch for kyle to have put that together. it's not that nick has forgotten, he couldn't, but he's spent so much time actively trying to separate logan from what happened in realignment that the presence of a camera in these weekend plans hadn't really set off alarm bells the way they clearly had with kyle. )
No, it's not— ( he frowns, lifting his head a little so that he can look at kyle properly. ) it's not a punishment, it's just...you know. Porn. I think there's been some suggestions we fit the bill for.
( nick actually looks confused for a moment, as if it's some kind of stretch for kyle to have put that together. it's not that nick has forgotten, he couldn't, but he's spent so much time actively trying to separate logan from what happened in realignment that the presence of a camera in these weekend plans hadn't really set off alarm bells the way they clearly had with kyle. )
No, it's not— ( he frowns, lifting his head a little so that he can look at kyle properly. ) it's not a punishment, it's just...you know. Porn. I think there's been some suggestions we fit the bill for.
God, no. Not...that. Twinks and bears, porn categories. No one's asking anyone to be brutalized.
( this is rapidly becoming a much less casual conversation than nick had anticipated when he'd brought it up. and really, he probably could have anticipated this, if he'd put some serious thought into the matter, but nick hadn't.
it's hardly the first time that has happened, but he's not normally making such an effort to actually talk about things. it was a lot easier when his response to conversations he wasn't prepared for could be to just walk out of the room, actually. )
I'm not...we're not recreating anything. It's not even going to just be me and Logan. And I don't think about that shit when I'm with him, you know.
( this is rapidly becoming a much less casual conversation than nick had anticipated when he'd brought it up. and really, he probably could have anticipated this, if he'd put some serious thought into the matter, but nick hadn't.
it's hardly the first time that has happened, but he's not normally making such an effort to actually talk about things. it was a lot easier when his response to conversations he wasn't prepared for could be to just walk out of the room, actually. )
I'm not...we're not recreating anything. It's not even going to just be me and Logan. And I don't think about that shit when I'm with him, you know.
( this is...awkward. nick has been avoiding the house a little, if he's honest, for a number of reasons but not least of all because of the boyfriend of it all. he isn't remotely close to figuring out how the hell his life works here, and that's just one added complication.
but it feels weird not reaching out at all, and eventually he cracks.
there's so many heart emojis in this guy's contact name. it's ridiculous. )
so. hi.
but it feels weird not reaching out at all, and eventually he cracks.
there's so many heart emojis in this guy's contact name. it's ridiculous. )
so. hi.
yeah some guy did the same. he seems real cut up about it but idk, maybe i'll be more bothered when i remember.
i havent looked at much. i poked around the pictures a bit but thats about it, it all started to feel a bit weird?
idk. the whole thing is really confusing. everyone seems pretty sure we'll get our memories back tho
i havent looked at much. i poked around the pictures a bit but thats about it, it all started to feel a bit weird?
idk. the whole thing is really confusing. everyone seems pretty sure we'll get our memories back tho
do you think it's better learning about all this stuff we don't remember? or just...waiting
( there's a huge elephant in the room, at least for nick, and he doesn't know whether to address it. actually he knows that he doesn't, but it still keeps eating at him anyway, because nick has spent years being extremely anti-relationship, anti commitment, anti feelings. but here--
well. apparently something has changed. )
that friend of yours. michael? he told me something. about us i mean.
( there's a huge elephant in the room, at least for nick, and he doesn't know whether to address it. actually he knows that he doesn't, but it still keeps eating at him anyway, because nick has spent years being extremely anti-relationship, anti commitment, anti feelings. but here--
well. apparently something has changed. )
that friend of yours. michael? he told me something. about us i mean.
( there's a lot of ways he wants to respond to that, and he's also sort of considering not responding at all. it's just--weird. kyle is hot, sure, but hot alone doesn't match up with some of the things he's seen on his brief dig, before nick had to stop.
it's not even the gratuitous abs shots that made him feel uncomfortable, it's the pictures of the soft moments. stupid selfies with the pets roaming into the shot and a look on nick's face that he has never seen on himself before. the candid snaps of kyle walking through the kitchen, like this is normal for them. it's the way he could see the casual affection, so clearly.
it had been around there that nick had decided that he wouldn't dig through the device any more, but he keeps thinking about it all the same. )
i mean, youre the one that knows him. is there any way your friend could be mistaken? like maybe he just thinks we're together or w/e
it's not even the gratuitous abs shots that made him feel uncomfortable, it's the pictures of the soft moments. stupid selfies with the pets roaming into the shot and a look on nick's face that he has never seen on himself before. the candid snaps of kyle walking through the kitchen, like this is normal for them. it's the way he could see the casual affection, so clearly.
it had been around there that nick had decided that he wouldn't dig through the device any more, but he keeps thinking about it all the same. )
i mean, youre the one that knows him. is there any way your friend could be mistaken? like maybe he just thinks we're together or w/e
Page 2 of 7